enna

In a few weeks, my 51st birthday will be here. Time moves on, even though my heart still aches for my mom. My second birthday in my life without her here. Trying to take it day-by-day, minute-by-minute, as you have recommended. Too hard to look too far ahead.

Dear Miss Ngu,

When I read your messages my heart sank knowing how devastated you are feeling. I am so very sorry. Many, many years ago I too lost my dear mother. My heart is still empty and sad when I think of her. She was truly the BEST person I ever knew. Gentle, kind, loving, caring, best friend, confidant, and so on and so on . . .

I can only tell you that you will always have those loving feelings for your mother. Those feelings do slip into the background as years pass but they will always be there. This site helps all of us express the loss we are feeling at any given moment. It makes no difference how short or long ago the loss it is still loss. I have found it helpful to read others posts because when you have lived as long as I have you'll find that you have suffered many different losses. Each loss is as unique as the individual. Not one of us fit into a 'category' or mold. The people here listen and they do 'get it.' Our hearts are broken and we sometimes think we will never be able to go on without someone we loved, but we do and we will and sometimes we just need to say things outloud. That is what this site allows us to do.

May the sorrow that you are feeling in your heart today lighten by the love that surrounds you. Journal to your mom, ask her for advice – and in a quiet moment you may just hear a reply – celebrate your birthday knowing that your mom is with you – not in the way you would like her to be but she is with you.

Please check out Marty's link titled 'Self-Healing Expressions' for her take on the loss of a mother and she posted a poem that speaks to all of us on the loss of our mothers. I found comfort reading it. Peace and hugs. Anne

http://j.mp/a0rrvM

I have gone to Marty's link on Grief Healing: After-Death Communication, NATS, and I have found several links to be helpful to me at this time in my journey. The medium, John Edwards, has some interesting readings. I have used his Lighthouse Meditations to relax me when I'm trying to place myself in a state of mind that will allow me to be open to whatever! I find that I am a very impatient human being. I want something, anything to happen right now. I so miss Jim that my mind just won't accept the fact that I'll never connect with him again until I leave my body to join him. I am a Christian so there are many factors that prevent me from accepting some of the theories that others believe in but that is ok. We are all individuals. Reading provides us with knowledge so I am spending much more time reading. Nurturing the mind and body is/has always been important to me. I will not allow myself to accept that I will not connect with Jim while I am physically here on this earth.

I am taking an online class from a renowned Hypnotherapist , Steve G. Jones, who is skilled in astral projection. We shall see.

For those of you who are interested in how my 2^nd session with the HOV Grief Counselor went yesterday - will – all I can say is that if crying is cathartic well then I am healing. It is good to sit with someone who understands and listens and is just present. I have opened myself to the pain as so many of you before me have all ready done – I know I will get through this because this is what I am choosing.

One observation that I'd like to make about our grief web site - one never knows what words of encouragement mean to those who grieve – no matter what we are grieving or how long we have been grieving – words DO comfort and heal. Anne

Dear Kay,

I think that you are doing a great deal of exercising - reminds me of 'Little House on the Prairie" - you indeed are exercising. I like horses also. They are so majestic and so powerful yet gentle to be with. I used to love riding - I rode a horse called Buttercup when I was younger -much younger. I hope you are on Pinterest. I sent you an invite to visit me on the site. The site is very relaxing and I really like seeing what others have posted.

Tomorrow I see my HOV grief counselor for the second time. You see, I am very new to this grief journey even though it has been almost five months. Our HOV here in AZ has a service memorial that honors all those who have passed during the last year. We send in a picture of our loved one in and then they run a video during a service. I am somewhat afraid of going but I also am drawn to it. I will not go alone because it will be too painful. I really don't know what I would do if we did not have this grief forum. It has helped me. My heart breaks when I follow some of the posts to see what others are going through. I so admire the courage that is present. I believe that we do not survive as single people on this earth - remember 'No Man is an Island?' by Thomas Melton? I truly believe that we do not live here alone but need others. This site brings us together in a single purpose - we are all grieving and we all need to be heard. I think dreams are what keep us human. We can believe what we want to and yes, sometimes they do seem so real and that is all right. Anne

Anne, I thought you were coming over to rake up all the leaves. Seriously, I have a guy who comes with a vacuum that minces them up and takes them away. The maple is about 35% bare now and the leaves are ankle deep so far. Usually takes two trips. No trees in the back yard this fall thanks to lightning and wind...so it will be cheaper to get my leaves out this fall. Hope to plant two trees in the spring...one in the center of what will be my labyrinth/memorial garden and a white pine elsewhere because they grow so fast and I like them. As for my addiction to Pinterest...you are right. I do find it relaxing especially/mostly in the evenings. I started on Easter (a tough day for me as Bill's funeral and burial was the day before Easter-Holy Saturday-and my 70th birthday was on that same Easter Sunday). Easter has always been a more important day to me than Christmas. Makes sense theologically. Now it is a reminder of Bill's funeral. But, I do believe in life after life...for all of us. I paid bills today, finally had time to get to them, and did sneak over to Facebook and Pinterest for a break a couple of times. Make bill paying and updating Quicken so much easier when I can plop a few pins on my boards ....what would we do without the Internet as we walk this journey. Now to take Bentley for his training session.

Peace,

Mary

Hi Mary,

I thought I answered this but I don't see my response. If I came over, I'd be jumping in those leaves not raking them. I know you have a hard time around Easter - so many memories. Here's a hug. And you know you can always cry with me for more than 10 seconds. I am so thankful for this grief support site. Rest and take care. We will never be finished with this until we are with our loves again. I do believe this. anne

Dear Marty,

I have always been a spiritual person. I do read and meditate. Relaxation was never in my vocabulary when taking care of Jim. He never knew I wasn't relaxed though because I always had a smile when near him. Yes, Wednesday is my time with my HOV bereavement counselor. She is such a caring person. I sent a picture of Jim for the 'Light up a Life Event'. I will go but with someone. I will ask about that referral for a HOV massage therapist. I think my experience today was funny. I continue to have a protected casing around me and only let my true feelings out to a very few people. Our grief support group has helped me. Some things are still just too painful to put out on the board. In time. Anne

Dear Mary,

I took a nap this afternoon and came on our site to see this beautiful quote you sent out. Wow! Thank you. You get a hug right now. Our journey will just keep on keeping on. Thank you for YOU. You are indeed a caring person. I'm sure many appreciate how you have our hand helping us on our journey. And I truly hope, Mary, that you know we are here for you also. We hear the quiet pain in your heart. Anne

Hi NATS,

Good for you for working out. Remember what I said about our hearts - we only have so many beats in our lifetime and I'm not going to waste them on exercising. But I was only kidding. We need to stay healthy. Tell me more about the steps you are taking on your meditation. 54 is so young. I don't know how I'm going to react when I turn the big 70!! Anne

Dear Mary,

Talking about the 'trek' we were on - my Jim was not a small man – 6' and he was Irish so he loved my cooking. This pains me to even think about our journey to his death. I think I told you this in E-mails. I was very fortunate that Jim only became unsteady around the last six months of his life. The falls were terrifying for me. And he had many of them. I hated it when people would tell me that I couldn't keep doing this and I should find a good care facility for him. I know this and if I had to do it then I'd do it. Showers were always so scary because I feared he'd fall. I was on first name basis with our fire department. When I finally called Hospice and they started to work with us it was not until the last month of his life. I felt so comforted with our HOV Team. They truly were our angels. I was able to become his partner and love again and not only his caretaker. I will always be so grateful for that. I started with my HOV grief counselor in September. I see her this Wednesday. She comes to the house because that is where I am most comfortable. And anyway, that's much more cozy than meeting at a coffee shop! I took to her right away. She is so caring. We are very fortunate here in AZ to have access to a specialized grief counselor for the first year of Jim's death. The first months I was just numb so I'm getting a late start. I am reading and reading and reading. I allow myself only a few hours a day for self-pity because it is just to exhausting. I do find comfort and caring and help from all of you on our grief support site. I have always been a spiritual person but as you mentioned taking care of a loved one puts pretty much everything on hold. I found that I had to store everything in my heart because when it was time for sleep I slept. I am journaling. It is so painful but I just pour my heart to Jim as though he were sitting here with me – I know he is not – at least not in the way I want him to be. Perhaps now that the light is beginning to dawn I'll be able to process what happened the last five years of my life. Thank you for the links on meditation I'll check them out. I have always meditated and I know that that is why I had the strength to do what I did. Relaxing is another story. I'll put a little more effort into that one. Anne

Kay,

Things were really all right. Just funny. And the table was ok just small. I'll go again but to another masseuse. Anne

Hello, Jan,

You should be sleeping right now in England. The massage experience was interesting. there will be others though. I was sleepy this afternoon so I took a nap. Touch base when you return from holiday. hugs Anne

Some of you knew I was going to have to post on this one ~ my massage

Yes, it was my first experience with having a massage. We are advised to take care of ourselves during this grieving process so I decided to go for it. I've had neck and shoulder massages but not the back with rocks! So, I introduced myself and told her that I was treating myself to a little bit of self-indulgence since I lost my husband recently. She gave me the quick 'sorry' and it was time to get up on the table. Now, I am not a small lady ~ I am 5' & 7" tall and I do not weigh the same as I did when we were married forty years ago. Well, not very gracefully, I climbed up on the table that was about as wide as the one in a doctor's office (you know, the one that's about the width of an arm). I started to laugh and found myself out of control and she hadn't even started the massage ~ after all, I'm going to be 70 and I'm not exactly the 'yoga' queen. I only have so many heartbeats in this body and I don't want to waste them on exercising! I never have been one who can sleep on her stomach! And when you've been taking care of your husband 24/7 for five years there really hadn't been too much time to self-indulge! Oh, I called on friends to visit with Jim while I ran out to do the necessary things like go to the dentist, the doctor, do shopping, fill up the car with gas, attend meetings, lunch with girl friends ~ looking back on it I think I've been running for a long time. Thank goodness the gal I went to is right here at our community. She usually does the golfers and the ball players who think they are still in their prime. When she put the rocks on my back she did ask me if I was ticklish because I was still laughing. I said, NO, don't think so ~ why? I couldn't tell you the number of times she said, 'relax'. She asked me if I was seeing a therapist and I said, "NO, why?" Ok, so here goes ~ she said, "I don't think you are dealing with the loss of your husband as you should be." So I said, "How should I be dealing with it?" So she told me I should be crying not laughing. I do not think I'll go back to her. I did like the rocks on my back only they were too cold! However, it did feel nice. I've been home for a few hours now and you guessed it ~ I've started to analyze the whole experience. There is no doubt a parallel between laughing and crying. You know those chemical endorphins in our brain could work for laughing as well as crying! I also have read that laughing or crying can strengthen the stomach muscles. I sure could use that help. Was I laughing because I was nervous ~ hummm. Was I laughing because it is easier than crying ~hummm. Was I laughing because I really do not know how to relax ~ hummmm. Was I laughing because it is too painful for me when I cry ~ hummm. Or, was I laughing because it felt good ~ hummm. Anyway, I forgot to bring my box of puffs and my laugh wasn't the hysterical kind. I know I am starting to come out of the 'FOG' everyone talks about. I know my body has not relaxed yet since I must have been on remote for so long. I must tell you, I have bawled and screamed until I don't think there is any water left in my body. I am releasing whatever it is that has overwhelmed me. I will try a massage again ~ later. I still would rather have Jim's arms around me. Someone other than people on this site no doubt would be telling me I should go see a shrink. But here, I think you all understand. Anne

Dear Mary,

No offense taken about your thoughts on the Dog Whisperer. I really had no opinion about him other than sometimes it is the trainers who need to learn how to train.. I love animals. I am trying to take baby steps through this time in my life - I suck at it - I have been running for so many years that my body needs to learn how to slow down. I am off to my first massage. I've had neck and shoulder ones but not the rocks on the back! Today is the day. Anne

sounds like you are having a great time with Kelbi!!! Have you ever heard of the 'Dog Whisper"? I guess they say it is the owner who needs training. I hope your holiday will be relaxing. We'll help you with those pictures. Miss you until you return from your visit. Thanks for your PM. I am trying to be open but sometimes it is hard to be on the site - I feel so vulnerable and I know I shouldn't. Anne

Kay,

As I said in an e-mail - happy, happy birthday - hope you don't have to suffer through a cold this early in the season.

I wonder who has to rake all those leaves at Mary's house. he he

Dear Anne

Good for you. We do need to reach out to others if we can. I did my bit today by inviting the elderly lady I picked up to take to her caravan to have a cup of tea with me. She is the lady that I let down and neglected a few weeks ago (though to be fair to me I was ill). I too am totally self absorbed. I think about very little but Pete and his death and how lonely I am without him. Distractions are listening to the radio while walking the dog, watching tv programmes, and not much else. Yes my mind is cluttered. And if Pete were here we would talk it through as we talked everything through. I shared all my thoughts, worries, bright ideas etc etc with him. Where do they go now?

Hi Jan,

I wonder how come people of all ages love cookies! We are surely going through something I bet neither one of us expected to be doing at this time. I love thinking about Jim just as you like thinking about Pete. I did not know what lonely was until only about a few weeks ago. I am missing Jim so much. I don't know if it is harder because I am already retired and not out in the work place anymore. I find myself looking for him so I can share something with him. I can't go out on the patio yet because that is where Jim was from morning until evening when he was still able to move around. It is so painful to see his rocking chair that he loved to sit in. We are coming into the great fall season now when we can be out from October until May. I really do love Arizona during these times. Our last travel time together was when we drove up to Sedona with family and spent a week taking in the beauty. We loved the red rocks. I have always liked nature. It gave me a peace. I'm sending you a video of our great state of AZ with Patsy Cline singing 'The Wayward Wind' as the slides change. It'll be your turn to send me some pictures of your place.

I'm glad we are pinning now on Pinterest. I'm addicted but NOT as bad as Mary. he he

So you will be visiting family in a few days. I know you will be ok. And I know you will be glad to get back home. Love your grandchildren. They keep us young. My little ones are in ILL so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the holidays - I want to stay here - I know I don't want to travel - and if this is selfish - so I am selfish - I don't want to do something for others right now. I want to be here where Jim and I have been. I don't want to be away from our home this year - not now. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It does scare me to be alone during the holidays. Last year a group of our seniors came to the house and sang songs for Jim - he sang right along with them. It was sad because I knew that it would be our last holiday together. Now I have that to think about. Touch base with you when you get back from your visit. Anne

Dear Anne, I am between a trip to Madison and meeting someone for dinner so will respond to this more fully later but I just want to say that you can't expect yourself NOT to be absorbed in your pain. It is huge gut wrenching pain and you are at 134 days seeing the fog lift a bit. I barely remember those early days...the fog was heavy. Good for you visiting the ladies and getting a massage. I LOVE full body massages and my gal uses hot stones or cold which are incredible also. I hope you are proud of yourself for doing both of these. I am fairly touchy feely...so massages have always felt wonderful. You will get used to them and then we won't be able to stop you from going. I will write more later. Peace to your heart, Mary

Hi Mary,

You are a busy lady. Take time to breathe. I know how much you love your quiet time. Winter is coming. I do miss the cold winters sitting next to the fireplace. But that was with Jim. It is really hard not having him to talk to. I never, never thought it would be this painful. And here I thought I was prepared!! Right! Sometimes I feel so vulnerable coming on this site. I feel so exposed. I know I am not being judged but it is so hard to get these feelings out. I know this is a safe place to share your feelings but it seems so unnatural. Family and friends have gone ahead a long time ago. And that's all right. I know they just don't 'get' it! I sometimes embarrass myself for being so self-absorbed - I think it was better when I was in that FOG - at least the pain was not so intense. I so miss Jim. Here I am almost seventy years old and I'm acting like I've never gone through losses in my life. This loss is tearing me apart. I have lost the most important person in my life. Now what am I suppose to do!

I am seeing my grief counselor from HOV on Wednesday. She checks up on me and tells me that I need to get the mind and heart a little closer - wait until she sees me on Wednesday! I know I won't be so philosophical about this whole death experience. I know we are born and we die. I hope no one tries to tell me that when talking about Jim because I never thought that he was going to die. And I don't want him to be dead but he is. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life without him. And I know he is with me but not in the way I want him to be. Enough.

I hope you are able to get some quiet time. It has been very busy for you these last days.

Thank you, Mary, for being with those of us who are so new to this grief. It does help to hear some encouragement from those who have traveled this journey before us. Anne

Dear Ann,

The Celebration of Life you had for your brother sounded so nice. It always helps when the day is beautiful also. Yes, as you said now is the time to begin your journey into facing the reality of his absence. You will have support right here on this site. Many have lost both siblings and others so they will be able to understand.

The necklace sounds so beautiful – "tears of Pele" how nice. You will miss him. I am sorry for your loss. Now both your brother and your dad are somewhere out there and they are watching over all those who have loved them. Please visit this site to help you find peace. Anne

134 Days

My thoughts on Spirituality – I’ve been thinking about putting my grieving on a back burner for an instant – I say an instant because that’s all I think I can focus on at a time these days – after all, it’s only been 134 days

I do need to work on balancing work, play and rest which has almost been impossible since Jim’s death – I have been so self-absorbed – so focused on his death and what it means to me – all I can think about is why, why me, why isn’t he still here holding me, loving me, touching me – I miss him – I miss him

So today I’m looking to add my light to the world. I’m going to lend my hand to create positive change by visiting some of the ladies at blessings for seniors (a care facility for those who can’t be by themselves anymore – they like my cookies)

I do respect myself so I am going to pamper myself this week and go for a massage – I’ve never had one – I haven’t been the ‘touchy- feely’ type but the need for touch is pressing on me now – I so miss Jim’s arms around me – I will bring a box of puffs – I can’t get Marty’s post to us the other day out of my head –

I have been working on humility all my life. I still don’t know what it is – I am grateful for all I have – Jim and I used to talk about this often – I miss those talks

We never wanted to limit ourselves – we always read. We worked on being kind.

I want to accept this grief I’m in right now I just don’t know how or if I’m headed in the right direction. So many questions - so much clutter in my mind – how do I go with the flow now that I am alone

Anyway, these are my thoughts right now. Anne

Hello Cindy,

I have read your posts. You are in the right place right now. I am so very sorry that you have suffered this painful loss. My heart goes out to you. What a trip your husband has traveled. It sounds as though you had some wonderful support at the hospital. How good that your husband was never alone. He must have loved you so very much to say to you that you were the only one he trusted. You know that that was not the case but that was what he said to you. What a bond of love you must have had. I am so sorry that he had some trouble breathing. What a beautiful thing your son did when he wrote that song for his dad – how beautiful – what a touching moment. When you put your head down as you listened to the song – this is when your husband made his choice to leave this world. We don’t know why, but we have heard that those who are ready to die do so on their own terms. He no doubt wanted to spare you any more pain. You are going to start your journey through grief as those of us on this site are doing right now. We are all at different places – some have been on this journey for only a very short time and others have been on for many years. Those who are more seasoned will share with us their journey and I have to tell you that as we walk this journey we will come out of it stronger than we are right now. I believe this because this is a choice I am going to make. Keep posting – there are caring people here. You are in my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. Anne

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest

Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,

But only God can make a tree.

“Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet—a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of whom do the work of carrying their own parts and practicing their own music, together, as a group, you can blow the doors off the place.”

This quote reminded me of our journey through grief. By ourselves we cannot accomplish what we have to to move through this pain of loss but with others we will move through this journey and come out new. It’s like the geese formation – together they get to their destination. Because we have loved much we will mourn much and slowly become well again.

I usually don’t recommend books because there are sooo many of them but this one is one that we could take something from whether we are in the beginning of our mourning or well into it -

Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt

His book can be purchased at http://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore/Loving-from-the-Outside-In-Mourning-from-the-Inside-Out.html

Anne

I love your tree. Now I know where to get one to replace my dead Shamel Ash tree in the backyard. I wonder how long it would take me to drive to Wisconsin in a BIG truck. Thank you for sharing. Anne

Dear Lina,

I like the picture. Six months is such a very, very short time. There is NO right way to handle any of our grief. It is whatever we think it is at the time. Things you are experiencing like not sleeping, not focusing, thinking you are going insane, crying ALL the time are all normal grieving. I am so sorry. You are so very young. I understand that we will have these periods of time when everything comes rushing back. Remember, there is no time limit on what we are going through. This is a good place to be. So many people have this great power of listening because they have been where we are. My Jim passed on May 25th - my whole world fell apart - I thought I was prepared - I am not. Please keep posting because there are caring grievers right here who hear you and will respond. Thank you for liking my picture of Jim. I didn't think I needed to keep the one of the two of us up. Anyone who has read my posts know how much I love him. My heart goes out to you. I am hearing you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and let you know you are loved and not alone and not insane! Anne

Mary

You who are always giving should have a moment of compassion from those of us who do understand. I'm glad you liked the ppt. I sent you. It's good to reflect and you are the one saying tears are cleansing. And I think your maple tree is beautiful - most colorful one I've seen since we left the mid west. Anne

Right back at you, Kay. I know I'll never stop missing Jim.