pumkin

Dear Cy, So very sorry you are going through this journey that no one chooses to go through. I found so much support here and truly hope you come here to talk with all of us. I lost my love six months ago to a massive heart attack. I didn't get to hold him or say good bye to him while I frantically tried to give him CPR. They rushed him off in an ambulance, but it was actually too late when I found him in the carport. You have been given the gift to at least spend time with your beloved wife to hold her and talk to her. I pray the angels surround you and your wife through this difficult time. Pumkin

Welcome dear Cindy to this place that all of us lost souls have found for comfort. I have just been here since I lost my husband six months ago this week. So you see, we're all at different stages of loss. We're all here for you with Marty, our precious moderator, guiding all of us so gently. I am so very sorry for your lloss, but here, I didn't feel so all alone. Thank God your mother pushed through the nurses so you were able to say your goodbyes to each other. I found my husband lying in the driveway. He had a massive heart attack, so it was too late for me to say goodbye. I found comfort from everyone on this forum and you will too.

Dear Jan, I am so happy that your nephew and family are coming to spend time with you. You can let all your emotions out, cry and talk about Pete. That will be healing for you. You're at nine months through this journey, and still, waking up without your Pete is so difficult. Today at 9:30 a.m. was six months when I found my Marco laying in my driveway. Day after day I'd tell myself I don't want to go on, but when I found this caring HOV family that's when I found hope to go on. Tears just come flowing now because I am ever so grateful for all of you. I called my daughter today to let her know it was six months since I lost Marco. It's now 7:30 p.m. and she never called me back to see how I was doing. But I know I'm safe to come here and be with all of you who understand. You're all in my prayers. Sleep with the Angels. Dear Marty, Thank you so much for "Thought of You" that really reached out to my soul.

Harry, Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful poem for Jane. I bet Jane smiled down on you while making her a snowman. Peace to you. Pumkin

Kay, I begged Marco to at least give me the referral to the cardiologist he was supposed to call for an appointment. He said he couldn't find where he put it. I found it under some of his papers the day he died. The cardiologist was located right down the block from where we live. But you're so right, they weren't little boys and capable of making their own decisions. Then I blame myself for sleeping late that day. If only I'd had gotten up earlier. We all deal with the "if only" portion of the grieving.

What a horrible thing to happen. My girlfriend in N.J. just called me to say, she was hacked into by someone from India as your George's account was. It's truly is a violation. It is so upsetting. So very sorry for having to go through this.

Dear Marty, Wishing you the happiest birthday surrounded by all your loved ones. We all love you so much. Health & Happiness always. Pumkin

Dear Anne, Congratulations on bringing your precious baby Benji home. I know how much you wanted your Jim there with you, but he was there with you in spirit. I'm glad you had Pat (Jim's daughter with you). Years ago my daughter and I volunteered at the Sunny Slope Rescue Center and we were so happy whenever we could find homes for all those special dogs. I'm sure Benji would have loved your Jim. The love between you and Benji will be very healing. I'll be looking forward to seeing more pictures of your baby Benji. Pumkin

Dear Nicole, I feel so much better after I've been on this forum with so many caring people who understand how I feel. We are all in this together. Everything you have written is so inspiring and feeds our souls. I'm so glad you had a wonderful dream of your beloved, Tom. May you have many more in the future. Thank you for your powerful wishes for awesome dreams. Peace to you my dear Nicole

Dear Kay, I've read in all the responses, that we all feel guilty because it's part of the grieving process. We all realize we would have done anything to have them still be here with us. You have endured so much in seven years and I admire you for all that you have gone through and survived. You give hope and strength to those of us who are in the beginning stages of our grief process . Peace to you dear Kay.

Dear Anne, You are so right that dreams come and go. We all long for it to be the way it was. You still wanted to see the "twinkle" in your Jim's eyes as you held your beloved and tried to convince yourself he was still breathing. As you say, we know we did the best we could, but it's never enough in our eyes. Then the guilt sometimes comes through in our dreams. Thank you so much for responding with your caring and kind words and for sharing the journey you're going through. Peace to you my dear Anne. Pumkin

This morning I woke up with my heart pounding and feeling so guilty. In my dream I was going through Marco's clothing and getting it ready donate it to Goodwill. Marco came walking right by me and said, "I'm still alive,and if you would have come see my body at the funeral home you would have known I didn't die." That's when I woke up. Is Marco telling me I should have gone to see his lifeless body? I tried so hard giving him CPR before the paramedics arrived. Everyday I see his lifeless body lying there in the driveway. Maybe I could have saved him if I woke up earlier. I miss him so much. He looked so handsome and healthy in my dream. I just sit here crying at my computer, but I know all of you on this forum understand what I'm feeling. You're the only family I have that understands me. February 20th will be six months since I lost him. Thank you with all my heart for being here.

Mary, What a beautiful tribute to your Bill. You will always be wrapped up in each other's love. Brought tears to my eyes. Pumkin

Dear Nicole, Welcome to this wonderful place where you will always find acceptance. You'll be able to pour out your heart to us, because we all know what you are feeling and going through. I am truly sorry for your very recent loss of your husband and soul mate, Tom. I lost my Marco five months ago to a massive heart attack. This is a very special place and I'm so glad you found us. This forum surrounds all of us with love and understanding. I feel so safe here. Again, welcome. Pumkin

Dear LindaKate, I am truly sorry for your very recent loss. The people here are so loving and supportive. I don't think I could have made it without them. Marty is so caring and guides all of us with gentle words. I find strength and courage to go on here. I lost my Marco to a massive heart attack this past August 20 in my driveway. So I'm still pretty new to this myself. Welcome to this healing place. Pumkin

Dear Marty, Anne, Queeniemary, Mary & Kay, After reading all your heartwarming and caring responses, I feel secure that I'm not losing my mind. I got the chills when I read about Mary seeing the Peacock on Easter Sunday as a sign from her Bill. And Queeniemary, having the wind chime ring even after three years, and knowing Mike is still around, Thank you telling me to trust my butterfly sign and to allow myself that gift. Kay, you're so right in saying there's so much more to existence and things we can't explain. Anne, thank you for telling me to come back to this very caring website and that our loved ones are still with us, but in a different way. Hugs to all of you. Pumkin

On Jan. 28, 1994, I had to put my precious Dobie to sleep. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. He will always be a part of my life. He lived for 10 years and was my best buddy. He was there for me when my husband left me and kept me and my daughter going. Dobie had bone cancer. The vet wanted to amputate his leg and give him chemo but I couldn't afford it. I knew he was suffering. The vet put him on some steroids for six months and I thought he was going to be o.k. But on this day 19 years ago, he woke up and couldn't walk. I knew it was time. My daughter immediately came home from school and I stayed home from work by his side all day. My vet came to our home at 7 p.m. that evening and prepared us (me & my daughter ). We had placed Dobie in one of our bedrooms for the vet. I hugged and kissed Dobie as did my daughter and held him in my arms. My daughter (16)had a panic attack and couldn't breath just when we knew Dobie was gone. I went down to 90 lbs. and luckily was able to find a support group for me and my daughter that Marty was running. I believe I recovered because of that grief support group I attended 19 years ago. I am now lucky to have found this grief forum that Marty is running. I've lost my significant other five months ago and feel so very fortunate to be a part of this forum. Everyone is so kind and non-judgemental. So you feel you belong and they understand you. God bless all of you who have lost your precious pet.

My Marco is gone 155 days today. For weeks I've been crying everyday and praying that Marco would give me some sign that he's happy and at peace. He always knew how much I love butterflies. He'd always looked for anything with butterflies and would point them out to me when we went shopping together. This afternoon while I was sweeping my front yard, I spotted this beautiful butterfly on one of my lavender flowers. Marco knew lavender is my favorite color in flowers. It flew away and here I am talking to a butterfly begging and crying for it to come back if it was truly, a sign from Marco. It came back and went to another flower. While it was on the flower I wept and said I love you Marco five times. Then it flew away. I feel that was a precious sign from him telling me he is all right. Am I losing my mind thinking this way? All morning I was saying to myself that I just don't want to live anymore. But I know I must go on. You are all so strong and your support for each other on this forum is what I cling to and keeps me going. Hugs to all of you.

Marty, Thank you so much for referring to Mourning the Loss of a Dream. I wrote in my journal quite a few things it mentions. It was very helpful. God bless you and all the help you provide to all of us in this forum. You're an Angel from God. Pumkin KayC, When George found out he had five blocked arteries, did he consider going to a cardiac surgeon with you to consider having stents? He was certainly under a lot of pressure with his job and that long commute. Sometimes we wonder why they made the choices they did. My Marco collapsed in the kitchen on 5/31/12, then I called 911. He came to and grabbed the phone out of my hand and told the 911 operator he was an ex-cop and didn't need any EMT's to come. I begged him and the operator begged him to let them come, but he refused. I got him to his PCP the very next day and his doctor couldn't find anything wrong, but referred him to a cardiologist. He made an appointment, but the cardiologist said they wouldn't accept his insurance. I pressured him to get another referral. The second referral came in, but he refused to call for an appointment. I kept after him for weeks to call, but he refused to talk with me whenever I mentioned it. Just three months after his first collapsed, he passed away. If he would have gone to the cardiologist, just a block away from here. But as you said George and Marco made their choices. I can relate when you say "nothing could diminish my love for him or his love for me, not even death." I pray you'll find the peace and happiness you're looking for after all that you have gone through. Pumkin

Dear Rodney, I truly understand how you feel. Maggie was your whole life. Reading your ordeal brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel. Please don't feel guilty. It was 18 years ago when I had to put my precious Dobie to sleep for bone cancer. He was 10 years old. Jan. 28, 1994 at 7 p.m. the vet came to my home and that was the worst day of my life. I couldn't eat or sleep. I went down to 90 lbs. Let your tears out for your beloved Maggie. She will always be with you. I had my Dobie cremated and I have his remains in my living room and also in a little necklace. I had to attend a grief support group that Marty was part of 18 years ago and that helped me so very much. I am so glad you joined this support group. I am now part of this forum since I just lost my significant other of 15 years to a massive heart attack on Aug. 20, 2012.. I just wanted to see if I could be of assistance to someone who lost a beloved pet as I did. As you said losing your precious Maggie is unbearable, but just know you did everything possible for her that you could. Your Maggie looked like a little cuddler. I am truly so very, very sorry for your loss. Talking about how you feel with people here helps a lot. And you know you're not alone. I would write about how I felt each day for a year about my Dobie's loss and every January 28th I re-read that journal. Take care of yourself and know we are here for you. Pumkin

Dear KayC, I have learned so much in reading your various responses to all the other people grieving here. You have been through so much in all these years participating in this forum and you have survived. I believe there is hope for all of us participating in the forum with the help and guidance of Marty. Learning to forgive the man you love for secrets found out is so necessary for going forward. You really loved George so much and still do just by the way you talk about him despite the secrets you found out. Health & happiness to you in this New Year. Pumkin

Dear Marty, Thank you so much for responding in letting me know that what matters here is that I love this man and my grief is the measure of my love for him. It warms my heart when you say I don't have to walk this path alone. Gratefully, Pumkin

I'm newcomer to all of this. This is where I've found the most peace in dealing with the loss of my significant other. Just reading what all of you are going through, helps me so very much. You understand what I'm going through. I found my love passed out in my carport on August 20, 2012.. I knew when I found him that is was too late, even though I called 911. There are things I found out about him that I didn't know,and my daughter thinks he's not worth crying over. I've known him for 15 years and shared my home with him during the last five years. Anytime I try to talk about him to her, she says whatever. She has helped me sell and donate a ton of his stuff. He was a shop-a-holic. He had told me he was married twice and my daughter found out his was married four times. I have told her I loved him and still do, but she doesn't want to hear it. In February I'm joining a grief support group at a local church. Today I held his remains in my arms and just cried and cried. I miss him so much. Thank you for letting me share my story with you all.