lorikelly

I feel how you feel. Each day seems like an effort to get going. I try to tell my self that day will be a little better. I cry alot. I am going to therapy ann i think that will eventually help. i have started taking xanax and it does help with the real lows, those times are so hard, my husband says he sees a difference. the medicine does not make you forget or not deal with the grief i think it helps you be more rational and look at the whole picture. i am going through so many emotions that they are over whelming. i wake every morning with this sick feeling in my stomach and then have diar. every morning. i barely eat a meal and have lost wt. i pray alot and hope that it will get better, it has only been 3 weeks since my moms passing. i have no siblings since they do not speak to me and i am dealing with alot of guilt which is so hard to get rid of. i pray for an end to this misery.

Maylissa thank you for that wonderful reply i will read it over and over to reassure myself. i am trying and thats all i can do. each day is a new day and i say i will try a little harder. i just had a really good cry so i think i am set for the night. the morning is the worse for some reason as soon as i wake up it hits me. i am working on the guilt i have and tomorrow i am going to try again to focus on one positive thing i did and try my best to not let the guilt creep up. i know that if i don;t deal with it it will get the best of me. i am going to do my best. thanks again

thanks for answering me and for your thoughts. i am trying to hang in there and getting all the help i can. i try to only take my xanax once a day b/c i am afraid of that it will stop working or that i will always need it. i am trying my hardest not to let my family get to me but it is hard. i can only see what i did and not there negative things. we had to stop my family from going to our house to see my mom b/c it was causing so many problems and fights. my husband and children could not take the stress. my family could of taken my mom to there house for a weekend and cared for her just like i did here. they never wanted to. my therapist says b/c they were afraid they would get stuck with her. it was alot of work but they could of done it. then they said they were going to find her a nursing home and never did. my brother wrote us nasty letters and wanted copies of my moms health cards so he could find a home up north closer to them well that was aug of 05 and he never found one. my sister told me mom she was working on having her move down to florida to live by her and then never did anything about it. she lied and told my mom due to her state insurance she could not go but that was not true i checked into that. i think nobody wanted to be the one to place her in a nursing home b/c that was my moms greatest fear and they didn't want to be the one to do it. they wanted me to do it so that she could not blame them. she spent 11 days in the hospital and 4 weeks in the nursing home before she passed. my one sister went to see her 2 times in the hospital and then told my mom that if she was just going to lay there and die then she woudld not waste her time coming to see her. we live 1 1/2 hrs away from my other siblings. then she waited 3 weeks before she came to see my mom in the home, this was the week before she passed. the other ones saw her only one time the week before she passed and she had been out of my house for 5 weeks. i try to remenber this when i start to feel quilty and there is so much more. i am trying to cope with the loss of my mom and so much more. i know that my mom was happy here and never wanted to be a home i feel bad that she died in a nursing home something i promised her would never happen. i just wish i could feel better about it all. thanks for listening to me.

thanks for answering me. i seem to wake up and feel awful, i wish i could wake and feel like today will be a better day. i can't wait for that time to come. i dream't alot last night about my mom and one of my sisters who doesn't speak to me. i wish things could be different but they cant and i have to accept that. things with my family will probably never change or will take a very long time. my therapist says not to worry about them and that i have to try and look at the whole picture not just my negatives. i seem to focus on all that i did wrong and can't see anything else. i wish i could turn back time and have my mom back, i know that for her she is in a better place and finally happy. i just want the pain to end. i have started taking the xanax and it does help but i hate to take it more then once a day so i only take it one time. my husband says to take it more i can take every 8 hrs but i am afraid i will be come dependent on it and he says right now i need it. my therapists says the same but i am afraid that it will stop working and then what. i am just going through so much. thanks for listening.

I understand about it hurting to much. i feel this everyday, somedays i can't wait for the night to come so i can go to sleep. i keeping counting the days hoping that as time goes on it will get better. my mom passed on 7/3/06 and my family does not speak to me. I am one of five and they do not speak to me since i was my moms caregiver. half the time they don't speak to each other. it is just that know i am the one they don;t speak to. i go to therapy and had to start taking zxanax b/c the anxiety and panic attacks were so bad. i feel lost like i am never going to feel better the pain go away. i have a wonderful husband and 2 great boys. each day i pray that it will be a better day and that God will relieve some of the mental anguish, i am such mess that i can;t eat i have to force my self and i have diar every day. i hope someone can tell me this gets better. thanks for listening.

Hi I found this website off another one about ADC's. My mom passed on July3, 2006 and i am having a very hard time. I was my moms caregiver for 18 mos before she passed at a nursing home with hospice (she had only been there for one month). She never wanted to go to a nursing home so i took her home with me. She was completely bedridden with a foley cath, and feeding tube . She only took meds by the tube and liquids. she ate all her food by mouth cut up real small. she suffered from copd, chr and aspiration phneumonia. i washed her, feed her and medicated everyday. She lost the ability to walk and her hands stopping working well enough to feed herself. We did do pt at home but she did not improve so it stopped. When she came home in Dec of 2004 it was 3 days before christmas and the dr said she only had 6 mos to live. She lived 18 mos at home with us. I have two boys age 7 and 11 who loved her and she loved them. I miss her alot and am not sure what to do with my self anymore. She had alot of emotional problems also and our family was very dysfunctional. I am one of five and i am the youngest 38 and the oldest is 56. Nobody wanted to take care of her which i understand was alot but they never wanted to help either. they wanted her to go into a nursing home the day in dec. i had made her a promise that i wouldn't put her in one and i just could not break it. my one brother cut off contact long before this b/c he could not deal with my mom or the problems (he has a masters degree in social work) my one sister decieded to pick up and move to florida when my mom is her sickest b/c honestly i believe she didn't want to have to deal with it. then does not tell she has moved until she it there for almost 3 weeeks. the other two are wrapped upin their lives. i am not saying i am perfect but i just wanted them to be supportive of my decision and give relief help so that we could have time off. my mom did not have the best insurance and the only help we could get was 2hrs a day for a aid and the visiting nurse once a week who was a angel. the whole jist of this is that they do not speak to me at all and blame me for alot of things. it may sound crazy but i grieve for my mom and also for the loss of my family. we have not spoken in over a yr. i am also dealing with alot of quilt . things i should of done differently with my mom. sometimes i would get mad at her b/c i was so emotionally, mentally and physically tired. i know that my mom loved me very much and i loved her or i wouldn't of done what i did. the last thing she said to me was i love you. she told me she loved me more then i would ever know. i just wish i could see her again to say i am sorry for anything i needed to say it for. some days i don't thnink i can go on the pain is so intense and i just keeping going over every scenerio in my head. i cry most of the time, can't eat, have chronic diar and overall sadness. when will it stopp hurting. i am in therapy and have started taking zanax b/c i was having so much anxiety and panic attacks. i can't stop thinking about it all day and night. the pain is so bad i have never felt this bad. i never wanted my mom to die i wanted her to keeping fighting , i know now that she just couldn't. pls someone tell me when it gets better, i need to go on i have two beautiful little boys and a wonderful husband but i am feeling desperate. i grief for the loss of my mom, my family and all the things that could of been. if anyone has any advice i would appreciate it.