lorikelly

well here goes this is going to be a long one. i'm sorry for that but i think i need to write it. let me start by saying my parents never had a good marriage and my dad drank heavily(alcoholic) and my mom really raised us. their marriage was beyond horrible. my mom would start fights and it just got worse and worse. my two older brothers would beat my dad up and one time they nearly killed him . i was about 7 ( iam 38 now) and i had to call the police so my dad would not die. my mom did nothing to stop it. the police took my sister and i to the police stattion and we had to answer ques. it was horrible an it feels like it was yesterday . anyway this only got worse and both my parents had thier faults. finally when i was in my 20's they separated. my mom said my dad hit her outside and he was arrested and place in jail for 2 weeks. i honestly can say i don't think this happened. anyway life went on and i lived with my mom in a apt. it was hard my other siblings had there lives and i had to take care of mom . my mother never wanted us to have anything to do with our dad and if we did we would be disowned. well i could not accept that and i got in contact with my dad (found him at the bar) i hid my relationship from my family otherwise i risked losing them. well my dad seemed to slow down on driniking and he changed. my mom still had no idea i talked to him . one day my dad asked me for his tool box that my mom had i took it and gave it to him , well mom figured it out and boy was i in trouble. she was so mad at me and always threw it in my face. well i got married could not have my dad present or walk me down the aisle. i still talked to him and told him i was sorry he couldn't come but i just could not risk my mom not loving me. well i then had my first son and then my next still seeing and talking to my dad. my mom never knew. he never brought up my mom or said anything bad about her i think he knew that i needed both of them. well he finally moved down here by me , so he could be close to my boys. in jan of 02 ,my dad dropped dead. i was so happy that i allowed myself to have a relationship with him but i still had to hide it from everyone. if i ever told them i would be disowned. it had been 12 yrs since my dad and mom split up and nobody tried to talk to him or have a relationship. (i have 4 s iblings but only my one sister is his daughter the other are step_) my sister never tried to contact him when she got married or when she had my niece. she wanted nothing to do with him. i could not be like that and am thankful i wasn't or i would have so much guilt. well my dad was cremated and i told noone i had to grieve alone with out anyone. my dad left me money and excluded anyone else from his will. i got took all that money and paid for my mom to live in assisted living which was 1700 per month. she lived there 2 yrs b/c she could not be alone. i never told anyone and they think i got the money from my father in law who passed 8 weeks before my dad. even my children never spoke of my dad it was like they sensed it. they were 3 and 7 when he died. they loved him very much but never talked about him in front of my family. i never told them not to i would never of done that. anyway i had to hide my dads remains in my closet and hide my grief. well when my mom passed on 7/3/006 my one brother tried to find my dad. do you know why b/c he wanted him to help pay for the funeral. noone had seen my dad for 16 yrs and they wanted him to pay. well they find out that he is dead and that i knew. it opened pandoras box. we were not on the best terms to begin with b/c of issues with my mom. they didn't try to talk to him ever and now they wanted money. i just could not believe it. well since they do not speak to me i am finally able to but my dads urn out and some pictures. i think i am just starting to grieve for him. i know this sounds crazy and some people might think i should of told them about his death. but why? they never reached out to him and if my mom hadn't of died they never would of know. i feel such a mess, i think my mom now knows and i wonder what she thinks of me. we had such a crazy realtionship very codependent. my mom had alot of emotional issues and she was always afaid we would stop loving her. i think b/c of this i tried harder to pls her even when i knew i couldn't. i am lost with out her b/c i am not sure who i am without her. i just wanted them both to love me and i wanted them both in my life. i don't think that was alot to ask. i should of be upfront with my mom and told her that i needed my dad in my life but i was so afraid to lose her love. that was something i could never live with out. you see my dad never told me i could not see my mom and never said anything bad about her. i hope my mom still loves me and is not mad at me. you see i have alot of issues to work through. my siblings will probably never speak . i am a total mess, i am in therapy and have my husband who is wonderful and understanding. my life with my mom was so controlled by guilt and manipulation but i loved her more then anything, i just wanted to please her. i know that she loved me very much and i hope she still does. pls pray for me that one day i will be able to forgive myself and that my siblings will one day be able to see some good in me. i really tried my best and took care of my mom for the last 18 mos of her life as she was bedridden. when i was about 5 she made me promise her never to put her in a nursing home and i never could. this is why my family does not speak to me b/c i kept her at home. i could never have placed her b/c i just wanted her to love me. she was happy here and i took very good care of her. she was only suppose to live 6 mos and she live 18 mos at home . i think she gave up when she went in the hospital and i told her she could not come home b/c my sibling said she would prevent her from going home with me. i feel guilty that she died in a nursing home on hospice, i don't think i wil ever think i did enough. i was so tired and i would get angry at her and said some things i neve should of said. when will this pain end. i would give anything to have her back . i am sorry this is so long and rambling but i just needed to tell some one else. thank you for listening and pls don't think i am terrible. lori

Derek Just to let you know that i am thinking of you today. i know you said today would of been karens birthday. i hope you are doing ok and i am praying that God gives you comfort. i hope he replaces your sorrow with joy. lori

Hi i lost my mom 8 weeks ago today and i feel many of the things you feel. i wonder every day why. i had a bad night last night and just wanted to lay down and die. i have a wonderful husband and two little boys but sometimes the grief is so bad. i also suffer from guilt which is going to eat me up. i replay everything in my head. i can only say that i thank God for this board b/c it has helped me alot. i also pray alot and read anything i can get. people say time but i also wonder about that. does it really help? i have to sometimes push the thoughts from my head and then i have to tell my self everyday that she is DEAD i hate that word. i am so sorry that you have to feel this way, why anyone of us has to but we can't change that so we have to take one minute one day at a time. pls keep writing everyone here is wonderful. just try to do your best and when you have a good moment then praise your self for that. lori

Well i had a really bad night last night. the day was ok went to work and then went shopping with my sons and husband. we then went to mass and i was fine.. went to dinner at applebees and i was eating dinner and lost it. the emotions just hit me like a brick i couldn't wait to leave. i calmed down until we got in the door and that was it. i was hysterical and then had such a anxiety attack. i think it didn't help that i was so physically exhausted haven't slept well due to grief and my dog who is getting up alot due to his lasix for CHF. i would get up 100 times for him as long as i don't lose him. anyway i became hysterical the sobbing wouldn't stop couldn't breath and for that moment i just wanted to lay me head down and die. i did have to take a xanax which i don't like taking but i needed it b/c i was so bad. it calmed me down and then i watched a movie with my family . when i went into bed it hit me again and i just prayed so hard for God to help me. i finally started reading my book Orphaned Adults and fell asleep. does this happen to others? where you think you are ok and wham. i then start obsessing about all the things i should of done differently and then that guilt takes over. i am not sure how often i can go through this, it has been 8 weeks today that my mom is gone. i was screaming last night why did you have to leave. i wish for so many things and i just don't want to feel that way again.. thanks for listening. lori

hi i lost my mom on july 3 2006 and it does hurt so much. i think you are right it is so raw, like a wound that is open and oozing , so painful. i have alot of guilt about my mom. we had a different kind of relationship and i was her caregiver for 18 mos. my mom could be difficult and i would tell her and get mad at her. i realize now that i was tired and so scared. i also know that i could of done things differently and now i can't change that. i wish i could go back but i can't i can only pray that she know how much i love her. the last thing she could mouth to me (lost the ability to speak) was i love you to. the guilt will eat you up from the inside so pls try to work on it , i am not saying it is easy.. i take one day at a time and read alot. i have to believe that my mom can see and hear me now and knows how much i love her and how sorry i am for being tired, angry and scared. pls keep coming back this site has been my saving grace. these people are wonderful and i truly believe that it has helped me when i have been at my lowest. take one day at a time . lori

Shelley that was great. i wish i could feel my moms hug. i am missing her so right now and could use her love. today we celebrated my sons 8th birthday and it was hard. it was the first thing she wasn't here for. i keeping on going b/c that is all we can do, ijust hope the sorrow gets better. thanks for your story it made me smile, maybe your mom can tell mine i need a hug. lori

Hi Trudy I am so sorry that you had to come to this website but am happy that you found it. it helps me alot. i lost my mom on July 3,2006 and still can't believe it. i think it is a dream and i will wake up or i just try to push it from my mind so i don't have to think about it. we can only take one day at a time, my grief counseler said try to take 20 mins at a time and each day a min or so longer. thats what i try to do. i think about it all day and night. i will pray that for all of us this will get better.

I am sorry for all of us that we have to feel this way. i think the nights are really bad for me. i work in the evenigs and find myself crying on the way home. i am not sure when this will ever get better but i just try to do one day at a time. some days are better then others and some really stink. i wish we all could wake up from this horrible nightmare. i just read Embrace By The Light by Bettie Eadie. it is her account of a near death experience. it was very interesting. i find myself so preoccupied with what is after this. i believe in God and heaven and have never doubted Him. i just wish i really knew what goes on. i am reading as much as i can, i could never believe that death is the end or i would never survive. i try to also tell myself each day that my children and husband are here and are important to me. i also ask God to replace my heart with joy and remove the sorrow. Tonight i will ask God to replace all of your hearts with joy and remove the sorrow. may God give us all the strength we need to get through this. Keep believing that we can!!

Amanda/ I will be praying for you and your son. i can understand you being worried. i think when we lose someone it always makes us realize how precious life is and how you never know. i have a 7 and 11 yr old and i worry alot about them. i lost my mom in july o6 and can't think of anything happening to them. i think he will be fine and so will you. take one day at a time. lori

I am going to try and go to the seminar Gods Gift of Love After Death Communications in Phil Pa. there is a wonderful website and you can also post there. Maybe some other people from here will be able to go. i live in NJ so it won't be far for me.

LeeAnn where did your friend get the circle of life necklace? if you know could you pls let me know. thnaks lori

I get very tired also. i think grief just takes its toll on you. i think we are working so hard on this process that it wxhausts us. i then can't sleep at night which is so frustating. i wonder when it will get better and just take each day as it comes. i don't get much from work either. i have to wear the mask at work and sometimes i just want to be alone. i hope tomorrow brings a better day for all of us. lori

Well i just got some bad news about my dog Spanky. Ihave had him for 15 yrs since he was 9mos old , he a beagle mix and i love him more then i can putinto words. i just found out he has CHF and fluid in lungs. my mom died from this. i work for my vet for 13 yrs so i know alot about it. he was just put on lasix and will start heart meds at the end of the week when we see his blood pressure is ok. i just can't believe this. today is 7 weeks my mom is gone and i am feeling so sad and now my spanky. pls pray or whatever you do that God will be merciful and allow my spanky to be with me for a long time. i don't think my mind or body could handle any other loses right now. oh God why does this have to happen. i need to talk to my mom and i can't , i just want my mom so i can tell her about spanky. why do they have to leave us?

I still can't believe that i don't have my mom either. It has been only 7 weeks but can't believe i have not seen her for that long. i can relate to how you feel. i am 38 and now i have to live the rest of my life with out my mom or dad. there is a good book out that i am going to start to read it is Motherless Daughters, have you read it? i think maybe going to help your god mother could be good and could be bad. Maybe go and visit and set her up with some help , i am not sure if you should go back into being a caregiver this soon. you can help her but finding others to also help. be kind to yourself and let yourself cry. i think we have a right to that.

I was reading a book called Nobodys Child Anymore by Barabar Bartocci. i came along something i read and thought i would share it. "Perhaps the only choice we have is to choose what to do with our dead, To die when they die. To live crippled. Or to forge out of pain and memory, new adaptations" Feel your pain, and vow to live past it. I just thought it was something to think about and share. lori

I can just say that with out my faith i would be nowhere. I believe through God all things are possible. i don't where i would be if i didn't believe. my mom( who i miss terribly) gave me this faith. one of the last things i said to her while she still was with it was to thank her for giving my belief in God. I need HIM now more then ever.

I am so happy it is back. i didnt realize how much i need this site. i actually was having alot of anxiety about it not being back. i suffer from anxiety anyway so this did not make it better. i am so thankful to be able to come back here when i need to , thanks to all of you.

I noticed it also, i quess b/c it was down for ahwile. i am just happy it is back again.

Shelly My mom didn't learn to drive until she was almost 50 so you can do it. Be proud of your self and get driving. lori

Kathy I have been depressed for awhile i think caregiving of my mom and my siblings problems made me depressed.. Anyway i went to see my regular dr and he prescribed Paxil well i took it for 12 days and just stopped. i read horrible things about it and withdrawl. i am happy i stopped but also scared b/c i thought it was going to be a wonder drug. i do take xanax for anxiety that i have. what i am trying to say is that maybe we have to experience the grief so that we can get through it. if you are depressed and need meds for that then take them don't be afraid . i think this is a long process and we have to go through the highs and lows of it. i think you are doing just fine and will be fine. don't worry about that dr find someone new who can help you. Be proud of how far you have come. lori

Don't you wonder why some people can move on so easily while some of us can't. i seem to always be looking for people who have lost some one so i can ask how they handled it. i know that each person is different but it has amazed me how some can just move on. i also wonder what other people think about what happens to us when we die. i am a catholic and believe strongly in heaven and that we will seee each other again, i have talked to others who think when we die it is over. this gets me so sad b/c i couldn't imagine not seeing my mom or dad again. then i wonder will they really know who we are. i have some manyg ques. my mom was so terrified of dying i quess b/c of the unknown. she was very religious but was so scared. i use to tell her not to be afraid and that i don't think i would be. weil i think i am afraid of it. i wonder if you experience so sort of pain. i think we must. my brother said he talked to my mom that morning before she died and that she was in so much pain ( id on't speak to him he told my niece) i wonder what kind of pain did she have. when i got there my mom could no longer speak so she could not tell me if she had pain. i have so many unanswered questions. i wonder why doesn't God let them speak to us so that we can at peace. wouldn't it be so much easier with our grief if they could just come once tell us what we need to hear and then be gone. sometimes i think i am still in denial about her death. i think i may wake up and it be different . i hate saying she is DEAD it hurts so much. i wish for so many things to be different, i wish i had done so many different things. i try to tell myself i did the best but quitl creeps up and takes over. sorry i had to vent and maybe at times i didn't make sense i just have to write what comes to me. thanks for always listening , lori

Chrissy I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I think you should just let your self feel what it needs to feel. it is ok to cry and feel sad you have a right to it. take one day at a time and all we can do it is hope that tomorrow will be a little better. i will be praying for you and the baby. Lori

Dear Kathy I think you should find another physciatrist to talk to. Some are good and some are not. I see a social worker who does alot of grief work and she is wonderful . YOu should not go to therapy and feel worse, pls change drs so you can get the right therapy. you are perfectly normal, my therapist say each person is different in how long it takes. she told me not to worry about how long it takes just try my best. thats all you can do. lori

Derek I am so happy that you got some good news about your son. He is probably happy also since he probably would of been scared. Karen probably had some help with this. I wish you all the best with him. I hope each day brings you a little more happiness. God Bless Lori

I feel that i to may forget, i look at her picture alot the last one i took before she died. I hate writing that word. i also have the pillow that she died on, i won't wash the pillow case and sleep with it everynight. my biggest fear is i won't remenber it terrifies me...lori