lorikelly

Kaye I still hven't washed the pillow case that my mom died on. She is gone 3 mos this week and i just can't. Isn't that crazy. i just think it is the last thing she touched. You wrote such a nice reply to jaime , i cried reading it. i also feel so close to everyone on this board like we have know each other forever. I only wish we all lived near each other and we could meet every week. wouldn't that be nice. maybe one day we will all meet. lori

Maylissa Your girl would not want you to feel like this. you did nothing wrong and she does not blame you. the only person that does that is you. why?? you loved her, feed her, cared for her, gave her a home, why should you feel guilty. all animals should have that kind of love. I know how you feel i lost my wonderful friend Spanky (my dog) on 9/22 i know that a part of him died that day just like a part of me died when my mom died in july. i can't change that but i know that i have alot of love inside of me and there will be another furry friend that may need my love. i know my spanky would want that. today i brought his ashes home and cried to think that is all i have. i had to remenber that i have so much more all the love he gave me will never leave me. i know that you and i will one day cross that rainbow bridge and see them again. pls don't beat yourself up take all that energy and give it to another aniaml that nonone will love. i know that i would want to be yours. lori

Derek I am so happy that this part is over. you deserve it. Remenber that we are all here for you and you will never lose your mind. i will pray that God will give you the strength to help you on this journey. How is Carson doing? i will be praying for him also. always remenber karen is always with you , just look at Carson. God Bless Lori

Chrissy Congratulations!!!!!!!! I know that he will bring you so much happiness. i know that my boys are a blessing from God and i tell them this everyday. take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it. lori

i am also wishing the holidays away. i can't b/c i do have two boys who love them. i don't have my siblings so i won't be with them and my mom is gone. i feel very alone. we could go with my in laws to a relatives house but i think thanksgiving will be to hard for me to be some place that i can't cry if i want to. we may just stay home have dinner and see a movie. if not we are thinging going overnight somewhere just to be away. i am not sure what to do. i loved the holidays and this time of yr, know i hate them. christmas will be another one but i have to keep it together for the boys. i feel so sad when i think of the holidays so i push the thoughts out of my head. i start a support group next thurs at a local church maybe that will give me comfort. i also joined a online support group for motherless daughters. i try to find as much help as possible. i think though alot of people think i should be moving on, it has only been 3 weeks. i want to scream at them. now i am grieving over my spanky dog who died friday. the pain is horrible.

jkw my spanky would of been 15 in oct. i don't care if he was old i wanted him longer. it doesn't make this pain any easier. he was a beagle/corgi mix the best ever. i told him i was a better person b/c of him and thanked him for loving me .. then i held him as they put him to sleep, he died in my arms. thank you for caring about him. lori

Dulcismom I know how you feel. i just lost my beautiful friend Spanky on friday the 22 nd. He was 15 and i loved him with every part of me. i cry constantly and can't believe he is really gone. 12 weeks ago i lost my mom and now my spanky, the pain is so unbearable. i can't imagine my life with out both of them. i just want to know why? i will be praying for you lori Marniesmom What a beautiful video of your girl. she was so loved by you and i know that she loved you so much. they give us such unconditional love. i told my spanky before he died that i am a better person b/c of him. i thanked him for being my friend and loving me. Lori

Dear Foxslady. I believe that the pennies are from your husband, they say they can send us adc (after death communications) i think this one was yours. keep looking for them. i pray everyday that i will get some. Maylissa I know how you feel, i had to put my wonderful dog friend Spanky to sleep on friday due to congestive heart failure. one of the worst days of my life. i asked him to forgive me. i work for this vet so i am use to counseling people on this but it is different when it is yours. i feel numb i keep looking for him waiting to hear his bark. i love him so much why did he have to go my mom just died 11 weeks ago why did God need him also. a part of me died when my mom died and now another part of me is gone. my 4 cats are looking for him and they have given me extra love but i want and need my Spanky.. WHY?????????????????????

I don't think we ever go back to NORMAL, i think it all changes and we have to change with it. i have realized ( i think ) that things will never be the same. i don't like it but i am not sure there is anything i can do . i wake every morning and i still think somedays are a nightmare. it has been 11 weeks for my mom and i just lost my wonderful dog friend friday, his name was spanky. i am numb, i still can't believe it could happen, how i could lose them in such a short period of time. the roller coaster of grief just keeps going. i also took care of my mom for 18 mos who was bedridden. i don't have a relationship with my siblings, i am the youngest of 5. i don't think my mom every realized her time was coming to an end. maybe when hospice came but even then i think she held onto hope. i never told her she was dying so we never really talked about it. the week before she died i think then she had a clue. i think she had seen/dreamt about others who had passed. she didn't tell me this but i think so. we did dicuss that she wanted to be cremated and come home with me. she is in my bedroom next to my dad. she said she was afraid to die and i told not to be. i also told her that the thing i was afraid of the most was not knowing how i would be with out her. now i can understand her being afraid. when i think of death now i become scared, i never use to be that way but i am terrified. i am lost almost like i am not sure who i am with out her. i think being a caregiver does this to us. we have spent so long caring for someone so intensly that we don't know what to do when they are gone. i think i have to find out who i am know. i always put mom before everyone even my own family. i lived my life around her and now i have to learn to live my life for me. i am not sure i will know how to do this. i am trying each day. i feel horrible today was unable to go to work since i work at the vet hosp when my spanky died. i know that his body is in the freezer waiting for the crematory to pick up tomorrow. the pain is horrible. i am sorry if i rambled or got off the subject, sometimes i just write and what ever comes out i write. thanks lori

I think you don't have to go if you don't want to. if you can't handle it then don't do it. just make sure that is what you want so that you don't feel bad later on. it is nice that the funeral home is doing this, i never heard of that. your mom would want you to do what is good for you. lori

I had to put my wonderful dog Spanky to sleep tonight. i feel horrible i just can't believe God would take my mom 11 weeks ago and now my friend Spanky. oh why ??????????????????? i feel horrible and not sure if i can continue on. he taught me so much and loved me so much. i know that i am a better person because of him. i just want the nightmare to end. please pray for me, i need my mom and my spanky. oh why........

Hi i just want you to know that i have alot of those days. somedays i can't stop my minding from spinning. every scenario from my moms last days goes through my heads. it is like a video tape that won't stop playing. i beat myself up everyday for things i should of done differently. i also think it will never get better, how can it. i just can say that i keep on trying one day at a time. today i am physcially and emotionally tired and just want to sleep my life away. i hope you have a better day tomorrow. lori

I cry everyday for my mom and i think it doe help. At first i don't want to cry and try to push it down but then it just hits me and i need for it to come out. the nights and weekends are the worst for me, i seem to feel the worst then. the site helps me alot and i come often if just only to read. pls come back and write as much as you want, we are all here to listen and we all feel your pain. lori

I am sorry that you had to come here but i know that you will find help here. Grief to me is like a roller coaster that you just can't get off. i find myself screaming alot to get off but it won't stop. i just know that coming to this site does give me help, at least i know i am not alone and not crazy. i also take meds for anxiety but you needed to grieve. if you can talk to someone or get into a group for you and your boys. i believe they need it also b/c children grieve also and if we overlook it they will have problems later on. keep coming back . lori

I am so sorry for your loss, i could not imagine losing one of mine. you are right when you say so much of of you is wrapped in being a mother. the physical pain you feel is real, grief can do so much to you physcially and emotionally. this is a great place to come, i found it soon after i lost my mom on 7/3/06. i don't know what i would of done if i didn't find this site. all these people are wonderful and understanding what you are feeling. pls come back and write what ever you are feeling, we are all in this together. lori

I am so sorry that you had to come here. this is a wonderful site with really wonderful people who care and listen. we may not know each other in person but i believe these people have cared more about me then some of my friends. what you feel is normal and don't let anyone tell you it isn't. the pain is awful and it feels like it will never end. keep coming here and posting we all will be here for you. lori

I just had to tell you that was so beautiful . I could feel your love for your husband , what a love you must of had. i am so sorry that you have to go through this pain. my prayers are with you. lori

hi i would feel that way about my mom. my mom died at 79 and i see people her age or older and wonder why she couldn't be that way. part of me understands but the other parts doesn't. i find myself looking at people who are with their mom or even if they are not. i wonder do they still have a mom . its so weird if i hear someone say mom i look to see what their mom looks like and how old they are. i am jealous and can't help it. then when i find someone who lost their mom, i almost feel better b/c then there is someone else like me, does that make sense. i think they will understand better. i just don't know anymore. feeling sad and the weather is miserable here raining and very depressing.

i agree about friends. i think people are so wrapped up in them they don't care about others. i don't believe that they don't know what to say. just asking how you are helps and then really listen. someone asked me how i was yesterday and before i could finish answering she started telling me something about her dog. i just listened and then said i had to go. the only thing i can say is death happens to everyone so one day they will all feel it. lori

Kaye I think you really find out who your friends are in times like this. i already have notice a difference. they think b/c my mom was 79 and sick i should just be over it. well quess what i am not and that is ok. wait til it hits them b/c death does not escape anyone. i will be praying for you to get that job. lori

Hi suffer for really bad neck pain. i had cervical spine surgery 3 yrs ago to remove a disk and it was great. then when i became my moms caregiver i think i have aggravated another disk. i started going to a chiropractor while mom was here and it did help but just to keep up with it was hard. i am now in agony and not sure if it real or due to grief and depression that i have. i know that i am depressed and they say depression caused physical pain. i have chronic headaches but i am prone to them but not sure if they are worse due to the loss of mom or b/c of my neck which does causes them. i am a mess. i even get nausea and i know that is from the grief this whole thing is awful. i prray everyday that i will wake and feel so much better but it doesn't help. oh i wish i knew when, the pain (mental , physcial ) is horrible .. thanks for listening to me once again. lori

Derek I was wondering where you were. Oh pls don't be so hard on yourself. Carson will be ok in time. i think he may need some help . i take my boys to see a therapist to help with the grief and it really helps, try the hospitals they offer free groups for children. it probably is very hard for him to concentrate since he is so sad. i think we take them for granted and b/c they don't act like us we think they are feeling better or over it. well he is not, he probably feels awful just like you. i tell my boys everyday that they are my hope, my hope to continue on and get through this grief. remenber carson is that for you. karen lives on in him. try to spend a day every week doing something just the two of you, your special time. maybe everynight you can read to him, i also make sure i tell the boys a story about grandma everyday. try telling carson things about his mom he didn't know. God will give you the strenght, he never would of placedCarson in your hands if he didn't think you could do it. you are a wonderful dad. try to get some help for you by going to a group so you can talk to others like you and maybe carson can meet other children who have lost a parent. God please replace Dereks heart with joy and remove the sorrow. i wish i lived in texas so i could help you. God Bless. Lori

You should be proud of everything you did. you took care of him and loved him. He was probably so thankful and loved you so much. i am sorry that he had to have so much pain at the end. i know that it is hard to make decisions that we wish we didn't have to. you made all the right ones. remenber that.

Dear Kaye, I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. i will pray that a job will open up for you. it must be hard to be married so long and then not have them. i ran into someone the other day whose father had passed 7 mos ago and she is still terrible. But anyway her parents were married for 64 yrs her mom is 82 her dad was 83. she said when her dad died at home in the hospital bed (he had hospice) that her mom told them not to call anyone until she was ready. she got into bed with him and hugged him and kissed and stayed there for 1 hr. she then said oh Harry why did you have to leave me, you never left me in 64 yrs. it broke my heart to hear that story. to be left alone after all those yrs. i lost my mom on 7/3/06 that is why i am here. but everyday i make a point of making sure my husband know how much i love him. i always did this before but i think i am really now more thankful. he is a wonderful man. i am so sorry for all of you and only wish it could be different. i will pray that God will give us a little more strength everyday so we can get through this. before i forget Kaye try looking into AAA for the car we have it and it is not expensive at all and then if something happens you have someone to help. just a thought. lori

I am glad that you had a wonderful trip. you deserve it. i took can't believe the fall is here and mom is gone 10 weeks. i am dreading the holidays which use to be my favorite time of yr. i have my boys and husband so i have to make it. i use to love the fall and the change of season and now i wish nothing changed. some days i am so afraid to keep going.