lorikelly

i also don't have anyone to share with, my siblings and i don't speak. i talk everyday to my children about my mom and i have my husband. i think it would be nice to have my siblings since they know all the stories but i realize i have to make the best of it. my therapist says i not only grieve for the loss of my mom but also for them which makes it so much harder. i do try to tell my children one story a day about my mom. the pain is horrible and i pray for the day that it will be bearable. i had such an anxiety attack yesterday and had to take my xanax, i hadn't slept in days and then i watched the coverage of 9/11 which made me even sadder. i then went to work and felt horrible. by 11pm i was a wreck i took the pill and it finally helped. i have to say i am thankful for that, i had such chest pain i thought i was going to die. then the nausea and diar kicked in. so far today i have not eaten anything but at least i am off tonight an haven't had any hysterical crying. thanks for listening. lori

I am stil here. i read everyday and try to post. somedays are better then others but today is not a good one. i had such a bad anxiety attack last night so i am still trying to recover. i can't see a time when i won't come back. lori

Thank you, this is a hard day. i live in NJ only a hr away from the World Trade Center. it is sad to think this thing could of ever happened. we can only pray that it will never happen again to us or any country. My God be with all of their families.

I am so sorry that you feel so much pain. i wish i could say something to make it go away. just know that you are not alone and all of us are here for you. do you see a therapist? maybe swithch your meds? i have read that some meds actually make you suicidal when they are suppose to help with depression. your husband would not want this for you, he may not be with you physically but i believe in my heart that they are always with us in spirit. i bet if you look hard you may even see signs of him. also look at your children he lives on in them and maybe someday in your grandchildren. take one moment at a time, if you can get through that moment then that is good. try to seek some help throught a counselor or clergy. pls give yourself time, you will have the strength to go on, for him. you took the first step and came here. keep coming and venting it will help. my prayers are with you.

Hi i am so sorry that you had to come here . i wish none of us had to experience this pain. i just want you to know that you are normal.. i lost my mom on 7/3/06 and the pain is so deep. i to felt physically stuff, i lost wt, had chronic diar and no sleep . my legs would tremble and i could not sit still. i realized i was suffering from anxiety attacks and take something when they get so bad. i also had nausea. some of those symptoms have gone but the sleep is bad. i cry everyday and do my best to get throught one moment at a time. keep coming her the people are great and it will help alot.

Dear Kitkat i am sorry for your loss, i lost my mom on 7/3/06 and i feel lost. somedays are worse then others, but i can tell you i cry everyday not one goes by that i don't. some days i cry more then others. the pain is crushing, it feels like it takes over your entire body and soul. i relieve every moment over and over in my head. i do read alot of books about death, grieving and the afterlife. it has helped to keep my mind buys. i also come here at least once a day even just to read it has helped alot. i pray everyday and light a st. anthony candle for my mom whom she loved. sometimes i get scared that i am to preoccupied with her death, but then i come here and read what others feel and feel normal. i also go for counseling. i learned that by now most people don't want to hear it anymore so i don't talk about it except to people i know really want to listen. i can only say talk one moment at a time, somedays it is hard to get through the day so if you can get throughh 20 mins at a time be proud and each day will get a tiny bit longer. know that you are not alone and we all understand.

I pray for the nights to come so that another day is over. i don't sleep great so i take tylenol pm to go to sleep and sometimes it is not a sound sleep. yesterday i was feeling low and took a nap for 3 hrs while the boys are in school. feeling sad makes you tired and the crying does not help. i think if we need to sleep and can then we should do it. i think anything that helps we should do. this grief thing is so hard so whatever relief we can get take it. lori

I still think i am going to walk into her room and see her. she was bedridden here with me for 18 mos so i saw her everday . i have to remind myself everyday that she is gone, sometimes i have to look at her urn or read her prayer card with the date on it. i still think its a nightmare and will end soon. oh why can't it be one. i talk to her every morning and every night. i usually cry on the way home from work and ask her why she had to leave me. i know why but i would give anything to hear her voice. i think i may see a medium , i just hope i don't get taken advantage of. i need something. lori

You are right she definitely is not a LADY. I would go to the funeral home not call and tell how she goes aroung talking about these things. they will not be happy b/c they will think that they will lose business if people think they are charging to much. I also cremated my mom and dad and they are both home with me. You just have to remenber their souls are in such a better place. people still amaze me at how they act. lori

I would switch myself and your mom. i work for a vet and we take better care of animals and there owners. she is a very insensitive human, and someday she will feel the grief and pain that you feel. remenber you know who your dad was and that is all that matters. lori

WEll it is only 9 weeks and counting for me. i seem to count each week b/c i keeping praying that it will get better. i am scared also that the pain will never end. today was the first day of school for my boys and i cried b/c mom is not here for it and also b/c i am alone in the house. i don't think i will be able to make it 2yrs like this. the pain is awful. i have to remind myself each day that she is not coming back. i am lost, confused, sad, lonely and have alot of regrest. i seem to replay each scenario over and over in my head until i am going to burst, i try to stop but it is like toture. i pray alot and that is where i do get some comfort. i just wish God could come downd and tell us it will be alright. i am now into reading every book about death and the afterlife. in 9 weeks i have 7 books. i am also now afraid that somebody else is going to die and now i am afaid of death. why???? i told my mom not to be afraid and here i am terrified. i don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. somedays i just wish i could sleep forever and have it be over. sorry i am just feeling sorry for myself. lori

Thank you Marty for taking the time to respond to me. i will definitely think about what you said. i think i have alot of my plate right now and i know that is making this so much harder. i will continue to do my grief work b/c i know that by doing it , i will and can get better. thanks lori

Shubborn I can relate to how you feel, i miss my mom so much. i was her caregiver for 158 mos while she was bedridden and i feel lost. not sure what to do with myself or who i am. i have a wonderful husband and children but the pain is unbearable. today we went to a baseball game and even watching the game thoughts of her getting coming into my mind, then the guilt i have starts to creep up. its a horrible feeling, my mom passed on 7/3/06 so i know it hasn't been long for me but somedays i think it will never end and that scares me. i always ask where my mom is, sometimes i scream for her that i need her. my therapist says that b/c i was her caregivere for so long that it is harder to get over. i try to tell myself something positive everyday when the negative/guilt thoughts come up. i can only try and that is all you can do. pls be patient with yourself. lori

Hi John I am sorry that you have to be one of us. i wish none of us had to go through this pain. it is like a roller coaster and you feel like you just caught your breath and then down you go again. i have been screaming let me off. i want it to end. I am glad that you see God is with you, this is the only thing that has kept me going. i just came from the rosary and benediction at our parish and i cried the entire time but felt better that i did. just keep believing and he will see us all through, I have wanted to go to a support group but have really not looked for one. i work evenings and sunday am most of the meetings are during the week at night, maybe i will try to look for one I can really say that this site has helped me alot, i don't feel alone and i know that someone else feels what i am feeling. keep coming back. My thoughts and prayers are with you. lori

I think what you are feeling is definitely grief. they say if you don't deal with it , it will come back to haunt you. you took the first step and recognized that something is going on. you need to talk about your feelings here, to your family and maybe a counselor. what you are feeling is normal, don't deny your feelings or that will never go away. it is a roller coaster ride and once you are on its hard to get off. somedays i wish i could jump but no i can't,. keep trying and take one minute at a time. get all the help you can and let yourself feel. keep coming here the people are great. lori

Thank you Ann, i need to hear that lori

i am so sorry that you lost him. i work for a vet so i see it alot. it never makes it easy. i tell my clients that it is the one last thing that we can do for them out of love. i think you made the right choice, you didn't let him suffer and i believe if they could thank us they would. i see many people not euthanize their pet when they should. it maybe b/c of denial, fear of letting go or b/c of quilt. i always feel for that animal b/c i know they will have to endure the suffering. you did not do that to yours and you should be proud of that decision. it takes a very strong person to make that choice. he will always love you and they to go to heaven. i believe strongly in St Francis and he believed that all creatures are from God. Peace be with you.

well i am having a bad moment, missing mom so much and wishing i could just see her. i just can't understand why God can't let them come to us and tell us what we need to hear so we can feel better. when i get up there i am going to ask this. i am thinking about going to a medium, i think i have found a good one from another site i go to about adc's (after death comunications), i am going to a seminar in Phil PA in oct about this. Does anyone think i am crazy? my mom believed in this alot, i use to tell her they were fakes and that being catholic we are suppose to believe in this. now look at me, she i probably laughing about it. i just need to hear from her or i am going to lose my mind, i don't feel very strong and am not sure if i can get through this pain. also to top things off i was just told my wonderful best friend Spanky (my dog) only has 6 mos to 1yr to live due to chf (ths same thing my mom died from) why does it all have to happen at once. is God trying to see how strong i am? i don't like this . i also was just told by my doctor that i need to see a hematologist due to some crazy stuff with my blood work. i really don't care to much about this, i think maybe it would be a blessing if something was wrong ( i am having a pity party right now). i know for my husband and children it would be terrible , but the way i feel now is horrible. i just want to give up it hurts to much. i am trying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am also decieding if i should take a antidepressant , my dr has me coming back in 4 weeks to seee how i am by that time mom will have been gone 3mos. i still can't sleep. maybe i should start something espically with spanky being sick. i tried paxil but stopped it due to side effects . it doesn't help that my mom suffered from anxiety and depression and i know it can be hereditary. i think i always have suffered from anxiety and pushed the depression down. now it has hit me full force. i am reading alot , come here and another site and see a great counselor (she thinks meds may help but will support me anyway i want to go) i am just so confused. HELP.. i wish there was somewhere you could go to get rid of this and then come back and feel better. oh well thanks for always listening, you people are great. lori

I am dreading my moms b-day , hers is not til april a week before mine and falls this yr on Good Friday which is always a sad day for me. i am so nervous about the holidays coming up and then what about mothers day. i have already decieded that we will go away for thanksgiving overnight somewhere i don't think i could stay home. but then i also think this is the only place i want to be and i hate going places. so mixed up i am to preoccuppied with these holidays. i will try to remenber what everyone else did. one of my clients told me on thanksgiving (the first one w/o her dad)they left a chair for him and that helped. another client told me on her dads death anniv she goes to the cemetary with breakfast and eats it there. she brings her dad a cup of dunkin donuts coffee *this was his favorite) and before she leaves she pours it on his grave. she said her husband gave her this idea (he is a psychiatrist) i liked it. well i can only hope that we can all do the best we can to get through these hard times. to bad we all couldn't get together. lori

Dear Grace Thank you for that post, i to needed to hear it. my mom passed on 7/3/06 and i have been a mess. part of me want to be with her. i have 2 boys 11 and 8 and i know how much they need me. my mom would want me to live for them. she would of said the same thing, maybe my mom sent you to give me that message. thank you from the bottom of my hard. lori

I am reading a book called Orphaned Adults since i have now lost both of my parents. there is a very good chapter about friendships and other relationships in our lives and how they change. i just started reading that chapter so i will let you know what i get out of it. i think i have realized that many people don't get what you are feeling unless they have experienced that kind of loss. i try not to tell people that i don't cares, it is not worth getting hurt over. i find coming here really helps b/c everyone here really does care and is sincere. lori

dear shelley i don't think there is anything wrong withyou we allfeel different things at different times. be easy on yourself. i know that i am very preoccuppied with someone else dying and leaving me and i don't think i ever want to feel this much pain again. my dog is sick now and i am so worried about that , i can only think that he is going to leave me also. he has chf just like what my mom died of. i think we all have to take one day at a time. lori

Thank you to each and everyone who answered me. you are a great group of people and i am so happy i found this site. lori

Derek i am so happy to hear that you are a little better today. i will continue to pray for you ( and everyone on this site) that God will replace your heart with joy and remove the sorrow. this place is a light in the darkness thank God we have it. lori

Derek I hope today is a little better for you. i pray that God gives you the strenght to get through. i can only tell you that Carson needs you soooooo much you need to take care of yourself for him. remenber through him Karen lives on. you can see her all around you when you look at Carson. you have to make him feel that he is just as important to you as she was. my counselor told me i have to say this everday that my husband and boys are just as important as my mom. i don't know what plan God has for any of us and i don't know why we have to go through this but i know that when the seas are stormy he will bring us through if we allow him. i wish i could take your pain away i can say that i will pray for you everday that God will replace your heart with joy and remove the sorrow. i don't know you personally but i tell you are a wonderful person and father. remenber that. be honest with Carson tellhim are havin a hard time so that he know why you are grumpy and he doesn;t think he did anything also remenber he is grieving the loss of his mom and looks to you. i think being honest with are children is the best thing we can do. it is ok to cry in front of them and tell them what we feel. do you see a therapist? does carson? maybe you could find a group that you could go to in person once a week for both you and Carson. ck with your church or the hospitals. i think you both need to be with others who feel the way you feel .. i know that would help me but i haven't looked for one yet. look into his eyes everday and see the love he has for you and see Karens love inside him..May God give you peace and comfort today and always. lori