feralfae

He he he. When Doug was eating game with me, and with all our dinner parties, a whole moose barely lasted us through the year until next season. Of course, we also gave wrapped packages to a few people we knew, including to several elderly couples who no longer hunted. Everyone so appreciated getting our game packages, because we were known for carefully cleaned and prepared meat packages. So, we did not have much to can. And we have a couple of huge freezers. But I know people who can their game. I helped to can bear meat once. Great for cassoulet. I have a couple of huge moose roasts still in the freezer up in Alaska, and maybe I will cook and can those. Okay, time to stop. Crying just thinking about Doug and hunting trips and our times together. Good tears. *<twinkles>* fae

It is an extract of Elderberries, and I am not sure how she makes it, except that it is from organic elderberries. My grandmother used to make it for when we had flu or any viral infection. Gram used to take a small glass of it after dinner, and called it her "tonic" but I don't think it had any alcohol it it. She lived to be 98, but she was a very healthy outdoor woman, riding and working the ranch until she fell at 97 and broke her hip. Then she was terribly bored until she decided to leave. Anyway, I guess it is herbal. I know it is for sale at the health food store as well. It is a liquid. Yes, it is those fleeting moments that remind me I am still alive. It doesn't last long. Very fleeting, as you said. And, yes, it is not the same as the happiness with Doug, but yes, it is something. It is a little start. We can build on it, I think. Now that I know looking at a beautiful sky can make me happy, I will probably spend more time looking at beautiful skies. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Kay, I wonder if we will ever get back to living again, the way we used to. Probably not, but I would certainly like to be able to enjoy and appreciate life again, and be grateful for this opportunity to enjoy existence. Mostly, I am not there yet. A few brief little flashes, but not the joy and eager anticipation of the next morning that I had before Doug got sick. I'd settle right now for going from being terribly afraid most of the time to being more cautious, but less afraid. So, yes, we are mostly surviving right now, but I do so wish to get back to doing more of living. This bug seems to be getting around. My Goddaughter brought out more Sambucus, and now I am taking the maintenance dose every day. All her children are on the maintenance dose as well. Not sure how much it will help, but it is at least doing one small gesture of self-care and prevention. Please do remember that you can go home when you get tired. Maybe if you thank you boss in advance for his understanding and support, he will hear the hint. *<>* So glad you are here. Thank you. *<twinkles>* fae

Wow, Kay! Good post! Yes, bow hunting can be worse, because as you said, wounded animals run away, and are not tracked and finished and eaten. We found a shot elk just behind the house here a few years ago, one arrow in its side, left to die and also to go to waste. I am a hunter of elk and deer. Doug hunted moose and caribou. We, too, eat and ate our animals, and I will only eat organic beef these days, which is not too difficult to find in Montana. But I have moose and caribou and elk in the big freezer, and every time I have a moose steak, it is a celebration of Doug's hunting skills and persistence, since he would trek/kayak in to remote Arctic Circle regions to hunt, so it was quite a marvelous outing as well as a hunt. The bears were often waiting close by for whatever we left after the field dressing and filling the game bags. I am going to shrink-wrap some moose steaks in triple wrap, so I can save a few for a few years and have them when our Godchildren are all here. Although they all hunt as well, and one is the state champion archer. But he is in college now, and I imagine he will be headed away to do engineering in some far-away place when he finishes his degree. I wish they would all stay within 100 miles or so. Here in Montana, and in Wyoming, our big fears during hunting season are all the poorly-trained hunters who have non-resident tags, and will sometimes kill the wrong animal. In Wyoming, out of Buffalo, there are actual billboards showing hunters the difference between an elk (long season) and a moose (short or no season) and a buffalo (no season) because those fellows just want to shoot something big. And they drink in their hunting camps, which is just crazy. Mary, I totally understand posting your property. Ours is also posted. Even at that, a neighbor came on to our land to kill an elk, and Doug went out wrapped in blaze orange to shoo him away, but had also strapped on his .44 and had called Fish and Game. The man was also drinking. As with any human activity, there will be great, good, and not so good humans involved. This chap is a sort of putz who moved here from Seattle, and was so excited to see elk that he was going to get one even though, we found out when F&G arrived, he had no permit and no idea of the regulations. A lot of people come to Wyoming and Montana thinking they are free to shoot anywhere, at anything. Wrong. Our entire big family ranch in Wyoming is permanently posted, and so we protect an elk herd, which calves in our hay pastures, local big horn sheep, and moose and mountain lions. Our sheep herd is used to take new genetic material to other herds, since the corridors between herds have been pretty well replaced with human development. The lions tolerate us. When we hunt, we go into the normal hunting areas, which is not the ranch. Doug loved to go to the ranch and watch the elk calving and the eagles circling on the rising air currents. Well, that was a nice respite from everything else, to spend time remembering hunts, hauling out game bags, and packaging up the meat. I don't know if I will ever get to go hunting again, but I certainly hope so. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, My dear one, you mention your own illnesses, and yet you hope to do more to take care of Leo all at the same time. Even if you put Leo into a nursing facility right now, until you are entirely well and strong enough to do more, it does not mean it is permanent. Even if you need to have time to heal yourself and become healthy and strong enough to do more than manage your own health, it does not mean that things will be the same way forever. Right now, your first priority MUST be to do all you can to heal yourself, to become well, to get strong again, and to be at peace within. I know this is a very hurtful time for you, with the anniversary of your Mother's death approaching and Leo so ill. But dear, you must take care of yourself even through the grief of loss and the illnesses of your dear Leo. Please know that everyone here is with you. Many of us have been caregivers who let our own health deteriorate terribly, and so we are giving you hard-won knowledge. I am paying attention to what you are feeling and how you are doing, and I know that you must take care of yourself and get healthier before you can turn and care for anyone else. Leo will be cared for and safe, and you must give yourself the same care and safety. Part of that is finding your own caring self FOR yourself. You need that from yourself right now. I did not have a Mother either, and I am still learning how to be loving and caring for myself. Fortunately, I had a great Dad, who did all he could for me. Please talk with your counselor about how you can better take care of yourself. I know others here will have good hints and suggestions for you on self care. It is absolutely critical for you right now, that you take care of yourself and get better. Begin by drinking more water. A bladder infection can be a sign that your body needs more pure water to flush out toxins and residue. Please see your doctor about this immediately if you have not already. Thank you for letting us know how things are going, and I hope things will be better today. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings and *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, If you stop by, you are in our prayers, and I am sending special love and prayers to you, dear heart. *<twinkles>* fae Thank you Kay, I do that on rare occasions. Take my own advice, I mean.

I think one must complete hunter education and be 12, but it could be 14 here in Montana. Mary, thank you for the wonderful photos of your life. *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you Jan and Kay. Part of it seems to be that I am feeling less afraid of the world than I was just a few weeks ago. Not that I expected dragons over the hill or a thundercloud to settle in above me. I just did not expect anything good to happen. Probably ever again. Even when good things would happen, it was difficult to find joy in it. And the joy would not last. Kay, I hope you are feeling better and taking time to take care of yourself. I am not all the way there yet. I still wake up most times with a sense that something is very wrong with the world, which in my world, of course, something is very wrong. But I think maybe it will be all right some time in the future. I am willing now to admit that possibility. Jan, yes, your words expressed it exactly: the very, very worst thing has happened. Maybe this shift is a part of accepting that if the worst has happened, then things will surely get better in the future. I am not totally trusting it yet, that things might get better. But truly, I think I can admit that possibility now. I could not before. I kept expecting yet another shoe to drop, no doubt on my head! Maybe things will be okay again. Maybe some day I will feel the depth of joy and delight that I used to feel with my beloved Doug. I don't know, but if our Creator can make "beautiful clouds of Beirstadt luminous light to dance with the winds across a sapphire sky" as Doug once wrote to me, then I suppose I can accept that things could get better some day. It feels remotely possible. Thank you both for understanding. Today, I noticed that I had a more concrete sense of being in control of, of all things, my own kitchen. It had felt like alien territory, inhabited by poltergeists who obviously conspired with the forces of the Universe so that Doug had to leave. Alien, even a little hostile. In fact, my whole house doesn't yet feel as though it is my house: it is still our house, and I cannot sort out any pleasure in it from the pain of the emptiness. Just this huge sense that everything is so terribly, mistakenly wrong somehow, with life and everything around me. And a lot of time, I feel that it will never come right again. Now, at least, I think maybe it will some day, if I just hold on. Being here has helped a lot, because there are no unanticipated pitfalls, impatient people telling me to do this or that, and no one blaming me for their own issues. So, maybe it is being here, learning to have more compassionate expectations for myself. Learning more patience from all of you here. All I know is that I think I might enjoy life again some day. Even without Doug here to enjoy it with me. I don't know how yet, but maybe it could happen. Kay, for me, it is less about surviving, and more about living. Really living, and having hope, and knowing that tomorrow will be okay, and is not a place to fear going. I think so many blows coming so very fast with Doug's leaving have just left me reeling. I think I will survive, and now, I might even want to survive. I thought nothing else could go wrong before I lost the feeling in my legs with the cauda equina, so I am not asking THAT question. But I understand: we are tough enough to live through all this, so we must be survivors. I just don't feel that tough yet. You, stalwart one who puts up with your brick-headed boss, are a tough one, for sure. I am inspired. Thank you. Jan, thank you, I will remember not to squash down any glimmers, and yes, you are right: we can nurture those glimmers, and they may grow and warm our hearts. Thank you for that. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Friends Here, Healing with Me, I had an awareness shift today, and I am wondering if others here have gone through this same shift. It is a rebalancing, actually. From before Doug left, when we knew he was leaving, I became conditioned to catastrophe. Also the physical pain, but leave that out for now. His leaving was of course my catastrophe. We all talk about moving, being in an accident, being in war, having violence initiated against us, or our houses robbed, as catastrophes. When I lost Doug, I found out the real meaning of that word. I will henceforth use it far more sparingly. I do recognize that within it is also the possibility of miracles and growth. Sometimes. This catastrophic event left my entire sense of being shifted, to a new axis of being. The Pole Star was gone from my line of sight. Nothing that happened since, whether the roof leaking, a deck breaking, my car needing repairs, washed out roads in the Yukon, my cauda equina; none of that seemed out of the ordinary for every day events. I was just used to things not working anymore. Doug was gone. Nothing was working any more. It all made sense, there on my shifted axis. But today, I had a very healing experience of being able to give up expecting more bad stuff to happen all the time. I had some procedures this morning, and I was a bit afraid, and woke up very early anticipating the morning's activities. But then, on my way in to town, I remembered Doug and me laughing and talking, driving into town on a morning much like this one, and how happy we were when we were winning during the first round of chemo. It was only later that things went catastrophic. I could remember a wonderful time, just a snapshot, and not feel the need to cry, but only the sense of wonder and gratitude that made me smile. That is a huge shift. Maybe the world is going to work again. I certainly intend it to. I walked in to the doctor's room, fully enjoying being alive and with these kindly people. Everything went very well. I drove home a different way, and admired the scuttling clouds and sky, even if I could not pull back my earlier sense of wonderment and joy. I think my pole is shifting. I expect things to work. I expect things to make sense again, at least more of the time. Has anyone else here had a sense of a shift in their awareness? As though things might come out all right again, sometimes? Not bringing Doug back, but a sense that I might find things worth enjoying in the future again? Because I think what triggered this joy was remembering how we used to love to stare at the clouds scuttling across the sapphire sky on blustery spring days. And how we reveled in being IN it all. I remembered what it meant to be ecstatic and to be alive, even if I remembered and felt it just for a few minutes. It felt so wonderful. So things might come right again some time. That things come to have some logic, some order, some sense to them. Something is still there, within me, that can feel happiness, and it is learning again, but on a different level, to trust things to work. Have you had this shift? I was just wondering. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Kay, I am sorry that you, too, are still under the weather. I am just back from the doctors, and another good report on things, so from here, all is well. I hope you are taking care of yourself and resting. I go now to take my own advice. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Mary, Thank you for a bit of Rumi this morning! What a wonderful way to begin the day, and an idea to meditate about this day. Thank you. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anne, How wonderfully warming and healing to read of your beautiful visit with your daughter! Your words make visible the love that flows between the two of you and with Jim. The memories you shared of your visit together lifted my heart, as I know those memories lifted both of your hearts. There is a time for everything, and when it is time to sort things, you will know. Jan, I understand about Jim's computer. I tried for a couple of days with Doug's, and felt as though someone was tearing out my heart, so I just stopped and will go back to that task some day in the future. For all of us, I think that the most kind gesture we can give to ourselves is patience to let things happen when out hearts are truly ready. My impatience is a challenge for me, but, with the help and support of everyone here, I am learning to walk in this path rather than trying to see over the next hill. Not easy for me, probably not for many of us here. I send lots of get well wishes and hopes for a warmer Spring day for you very soon. We endure, but I promise you, there will be a Spring. *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you Mary, I will look into the Nine Essentials when I get back from town. It is very early for you to be posting, by the way. No, I am not worrying. Just take care of yourself. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, You have such a wonderful and loving heart, and it shines through your posts. Please, dear one, take one hour today to feel that love and share it with yourself with great compassion and understanding. Your loving nature is so special, and you can use it to listen to what you need and to respond to your own needs. Even if you can only do this for fifteen minutes, sit quietly and get in touch with your own needs, and hug yourself, be gentle with your breaking heart, and let yourself relax for a little while in the comfort of our love and compassion, even as you are drawing on your own love and compassion for you. Leo is getting good care now, and you must make sure that you are also getting good care. Besides being Leo's advocate, be your own loving and compassionate advocate. Let love and peace fill your heart this day. I send love and {{{hugs}}} and prayers for a day of healing and compassion for you and Leo. *<twinkles>* fae

Good Heavens! Everyone, please take the best possible care of your health and pamper, comfort, nurse, indulge, warm, heal, and love yourselves through this time. For Harry, Jan, and Marty, all best wishes for a speedy, full recovery. This is the time of year when our immune systems can be weak, coming out of winter, and susceptible to more than usual. Please rest and restore, and be well soon. I hope you are all feeling better already. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Harry, Each word you wrote resonated with me. Thank you. I hear you feel the pull of your spirit to step back into life, hope, expectations, and dreams. It will happen exactly on time, and I applaud you for the recognition of these stirrings to break into buds and their promise again. Spring is such a good time to feel the renewal of life. You are in tune with the seasons. You are in tune with your heart. Go gently, and as Mary reminds, us, patiently. Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, What a day you have had! I am so glad you were able to reach your SIL and get to the emergency room. I think it is all right not to see Leo until you are more stable and stronger. Right now, you need to focus on your own health and getting better. I am so sorry you have had such a rough day, and I am truly glad your SIL is with you. I hope you do not read this until tomorrow, and that meanwhile, you are having a wonderful night of rest. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Cy, I am so very sorry you had to say the last goodbye to your dear Carolyn. Please know that all of us are here for you, and wish you peace as you continue this time of great change and shifts in your life. I am sending comfort and compassion, and holding you in my heart as you learn this new way of life, one minute at a time. We are here for you. Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, I am glad you spoke with the staff.Leo is being cared for and you are doing a good job of being his advocate. This is a very rough time for you, and you must also take care of you, dear one. I do hope you keep up the good care for you as well. And that you are sleeping well. It is snowing here and very beautiful. Time for me to get ready to drive into town through this lovely snow. I am off to my usual morning of physical therapy. I hope you have a better day today, and that you remember to love and take care of yourself very well. *<twinkles>* fae

I found this and have signed up for the course, hoping it will help me to be less demanding of myself and a bit more accepting during these times. Self-acceptance is not going well for me: the old me whom I accepted was also validated by Doug, reinforced by our extreme physicality, and held as a standard. I cannot see, much less approach, that mark right now. So I am hoping to learn more self-acceptance as a part of this process. http://live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/event.php I am having a very difficult time giving up expectations of high performance and peak health right now. I want to be able to carry my heavy pack, climb, and run again. I know it is going to take a while, and I am trying to find an in-between place where I can be comfortable with that. But I also would like to be able to carry on more of our work and dreams, and some of those have physical aspects. Patience ... my big lesson. Thank you for the new meditation options. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Cy, I am so sorry it is time to say goodbye. I know you will cherish each moment, as you look into those blue eyes that have held so much love for you, and have seen you both through so much. Yes, one of the hardest emptinesses is the absence of the voice of our beloved. After a year, I still look around at a store or concert if I hear someone who sounds a bit like Doug's voice. Carolyn is communicating, and I know your heart hears her. Even when all she can do is be with you, your heart can hear her. I am so very, very sorry for this time of leaving. I hope you know how much the love and compassion, the caring and understanding of each of us here is with you. This is a time you will cherish forever, being with her to tell her you love her while she is with you, knowing she is carrying your love with her into the next transition. Blessings, Prayers, and Much Love to you both, as I type this through my tears, which I cry now to celebrate the wonder and beauty of your love for each other. We all hold you in our hearts. *<twinkles>* fae

Just take the first step. Thank you for the wonderful reminder. I am absolutely sure, if there is one thing I have figured out, it is that I will never have it all figured out. Thank you, Mary. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Cy, We are all thinking about you, sending prayers, holding you in our hearts. Please let us know how you are when you can drop by. Peace and Comfort to you, dear Cy. Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Mary, I hope that you will give yourself an unending allotment of time to rest, remember, restore, and grieve this month. I am glad you took a nap, and were comforted and reminded by the movie, too. There are some movies I simply cannot watch yet, such as "Being There" which Doug loved, among others. But I am delighted to be reminded of the richness and joy of the lives in Fiddler. Thank you. We will heal our other issues, dear Mary. The shift is happening, and cannot be stopped. You rest and relax, and cherish the memories, and comfort your heart. {{{hugs}}} Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae

You two brave, brave women! I hope to see lots of photos here! I am cheered at the prospect of Your gardens! I am not gardening this year, but not because Doug is not here to lay out his usual spiral spinach, tree shapes for lettuce, and on and one. We had so much fun making an art garden together! All veggies, except for the rhubarb and strawberries. And asparagus. And our entire garden is bordered in flowers. I am not gardening because I must go to Fairbanks and do more cleaning out of our home there, and take care of lots of maintenance things which the grad. student/caretaker is not willing to tackle. It will be interesting to see what has survived more than a year of my neglect. I know they let the pipes freeze and had to thaw them with steam this winter. We always kept the tap in the MBR running a tiny flow when the outside temps went below -20F for more than a day or two. I hope to be ready by May. If not, they can all wait until I am ready. I am not going to push myself anymore when I can be on my own clock if I choose. This is such a new sensation for me, to protect myself a lot more emotionally, that I am still reeling from the sense of power it gives me to be able to say "NO!" or "I'm sorry, but no, not right now." But you get the basic idea. Whew! I feel like WonderWoman! I think I am ready to take on a little more of the world. I think I have been too emotionally weak to take very good care of myself. Now I am weeding out people better, and choosing projects better. Spring Housecleaning! Anne, this is a wonderful thread! Jan, you will do a brilliant job! Here are the two of you, taking on loving and caring for the Earth, and bringing forth flowers. Conspiring to bring beauty into blossom. Nice. Thank you, *<twinkles>* fae