feralfae

Laughing at the fear of falling information. Very good information. I am very, very careful these days, not wanting to mess up the back when it is almost healed. The message and posts are so appropriate! Having fallen while not quite climbing, but out of harness, and ending up far below with both arms, skull, knee, ribs, shoulder, and one hand being broken (living with both arms in casts is a challenge!) has left me very careful about falling. I am fortunate to have both original knees and hips, but I know what a difficult time people can have with replacement joints, AR Mary. Dad did well, but felt very limited as his usual mountain goat self after he had an artificial knee installed. And my friend who has an artificial hip has really worked hard to get her balance and stride back to what she wants it to be. Now I go to read the "Melody " article. fae

Well, we know that we have the ability to alter things by our individual intention, so it is nice to see how water can be altered and how it carries memory. Now if only we can figure out Mary's water puddle mystery! The problem is how sporadic it seems to be! But if you, Mary, can correlate it with the use of the dishwasher, then you at least have a good direction to explore! Okay, I am still in my trembling, shaking mode from yesterday and earlier today, so I will just go read posts for a while and feel "with Tribe" until I can find my center again. Much Love, fae

Dear Kay, You have so much going on in your life even now. You are a very loving giver and nurturer, and I hope you are taking enough time for your own peace and healing, your own health and rest, to stay in balance. But you seem to be pretty aware of things, so I am trusting you to take care of yourself all the time. Your poor Mother! The regulations for settings of temperature, light, noise, and other things do not take into account the human factor, but are often set by lobbyists who have a vested interest in seeing that things work to their advantage, I am sorry to say. Greed is so rampant in our culture. I sometimes think the driving force of so many corporations and government entities is based entirely on greed and manipulating situations to enhance profits. I have taken the day off, because I was just too tired and sort of shaky to go in to work today. The genetic family of Doug has reared its ugly head again, hence the paperwork and stuff. I am just about worn down and ready to throw in the towel, but I am not a good martyr. Or saint. But I needed to NOT be in the office today with all the anger among our staff. So I am hiding out at home, hoping to find my center and some peace before I tackle any more of this scurrilous bunch. Sorry to unload here. You take care of you, and keep up the rest, peaceful times, and Arlie play! Much Love, fae

Happy Birthday! I hope today is filled with all wonderful and good things for you, dear Mary. You are a blessing and a joy to me and everyone here. Much Love, fae

It is nice to know others have this going on. I never know when I will get a sign from Doug, whether in a dream or a chime ringing, or an owl perched on the railing, emails, notes found, necklaces, so many things. I have been keeping a journal since prior to Doug leaving, and it just keeps going with so many miracles happening almost every day. Talking about this ongoing experience of ours is a point that brings me to feeling frighteningly vulnerable for me yet, so I will just be happy being comforted by the openness and power of love that I witness here in this Tribe. Must go get these desk kinks out with some stretching. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Mary, Thank you. No, it was not such a peaceful day, but that is okay sometimes too. I am feeling a lot better, did a half hour of meditation, and want to get back to another half hour in a few minutes before I sort of collapse in bed. I received some very loving notes from two women climbers today, and what was funny was that they had not talked with each other, but just happened to both get in touch today, when I really needed some love. One is a widow of five years, she and her husband were both climbers. And one who is an artist who has painted a portrait of Doug for the Club. I have advanced the redecorating the guest room project a bit this afternoon after I got home. I need to go fix a bite to eat, then do my other meditations to get centered, and then do some stretching and moving today. Too many sitting hours! I'd best go stick to my schedule, even if a few hours late. Maybe I will get back here a bit later. Much Love to everyone, fae

Dear Shannon, I am just stopping in here to send love and {{{hugs}}} for you dear heart. Please keep resting, taking care of yourself, and getting better. I love you and I am holding you in my heart. fae

Thank you Kay and Mary! {{{hugs}}} Oh, gosh, I will go find Shannon and give her some hugs. Be back soon. fae

ps... How is Shannon? I will look for her here again this evening. fae

Through my time of fasting, prayer, meditation, retreat, and being in stillness, many transformations have surfaced into my awareness. Among those shifts has been a growing sense of hope and certainty about the future, as well as a growing peace in my heart and spirit about Doug and his escape. The transformations are still evolving, but within my heart I can feel a new quiet acceptance, a new strength growing that will carry me forward. As I leave to work at my desk, finish a couple of projects, and run errands, I am also reminded that my healing and nurturing are most active in the quite times when I can sit still and listen, reflect, pray, and be with my own awareness. I've also been listening to Tara Brach's enlightening presentations, and feel healed by her insights and compassion. So, as I go to begin my work day, I send love and light to you all, and will hope to be back to be more in fellowship with my Tribe here very soon. Blessings, Much Love, and *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you Mary and Kay, for being open-hearted enough to listen to other voices, and having the courage to believe. Were it not of an amazing series of miracles in my life since Doug left, I would not be here on Earth today. As I become more trusting, calmer and able to sit better in stillness with myself, I am also able to open more to the subtle level of life and awareness again, and finding my way is becoming easier because of those times of stillness and listening. *<twinkles>* Peace and Love, fae

Dear Kay, I've been thinking about you these past couple of days as the accountant and I forge ahead with the tax returns for the other foundation, and remembering that we Can file an extension if need be. But it looks as though we will be through trial balance by the end of the week, and maybe have the drafts done by next week. Things got so confused last year when Doug was leaving, and I made (more!) mistakes, which is very unlike me, but not so unusual considering things. I wanted to drop in here this morning before heading to town to wish everyone a beautiful day of love and laughter and promise, hope and health. We have all been through such a rough winter, and I am smiling at the first few days of sun and warmth. I know we will have a couple more blizzards, but is is wonderful to be out in shirtsleeves for at least a few days before the next big snowstorm. I hope your week at work is going well, and that you are finding time for play and fun as well. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anne, May you find solace and comfort, renewal and hope as you walk in the mountains today. I hold you in my heart this special day. Much Love, fae

Dear Mary, Your journey is eloquently share in your not, and your image of walking with grief in one hand and gratitude in the other rings true, I imagine, for many of us here. Your journey and survival, and your capacity to balance the emotions of love and loss, grief and gratitude, hope and heartbreak within your heart and mind are a guidepost for us all. Thank you. As I read your posts and watch you journey with grace and love through this time of remembering, I am touched by your optimism and ability to enjoy the moments of the day that touch you with their beauty and friendship, art and companionship. Emerging from this time of great wonder at the eternal essence of awareness and continuity of life, I hope we are all touched by your words and the promise of Spring. Today is a new day, filled with all that we can see and dream, and it is both comforting and inspiring to hear your heart singing out with the wonder. *<twinkles>* fae

Hello ... Thank you Anne, for tapping my shoulder. Whew! Just out of retreat, fasting, Quest for Vision, sweats, lots of prayers. Everything I left on hold began to come back today fast and furious, and this week is pretty much buried, although I may find a way to exhume one day soon just because things are going way too fast around here. Repairmen, godchildren back from India settling into apartment, Darcy, the Other Taxes for the Other Foundation, and gobs more. I am going to go take a nap which may be an early bedtime. I hope to be back here at least a bit in a few days, when things slow down a little more. *<twinkles>* fae

Blessed and Happy Easter, everyone! *<twinkles>* fae

Right, Kay! Happy Easter everyone, and I know you will all take care of each other while I am on retreat a few days. Marty, go play. They were only words, and there are plenty more where those came from, dear one. Back to my retreat. Much Love and *<twinkles>* fae

I imagine it will all get straightened out by tomorrow. Blessings and a wonderful night to us all. *<twinkles>* fae

Oh, Mary, dear, I hold you in my heart, and your tears started my own. Your sharing of Bill tells me so much about both of you: the things you honored in each other, and which still shine from your heart so very well. I think you are both highly evolved. Thank you for sharing about Bill, and your sense of loss welling up during this Holy Season. I will have the candles lit tonight for Bill and others. I feel your love, constancy, and Oneness shining through your words and heart. The colors for your home sound lovely and restful, and warm. Maybe you can post some photos when it is all done and back together. My girlfriend in Australia still cries after thirty years, and my best friend still cries very often after 8 years. I don't think we get to put a time on the need for tears. But now, I float along on and with them, knowing that more pain is releasing from my heart. Sometimes, I can feel such a sense of relief after tears that it is though some physical impediment has been cleared from my body. I think it has. Something toxic, something not at all life-affirming, is being washed away. I started painting my tent fly today, and it feels good to make a new joyful pattern on my "other house". I have a customized VE-24 North Face, which easily held me and Doug, although he scoffed at the weight. Because I must let each ink dry very well and then heat set it, the project will take a while, but then I will put up a photo. I am smiling about it. Our tent is going to Alaska with me in a couple of months. And I am making a new banner, too. Our hearts are healing. As you continue on this healing journey, I send you love and prayers, and special good wishes for these next days. May you have moments of peace. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anthony, This post was from Marty to me, but I think you might find the article helpful: Fae, my dear, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard day today, filled with grief triggers or what is known in the trade as "STUGs" (subsequent temporary upsurges of grief). Usually we are hit with one or two of these, but to be hit with one right after another is enough to bring anyone to her knees. Sometimes, it really helps to have someone, outside of ourselves, to help us be able to name what is going on. The above linked article helped me a LOT. Blessings for a weekend in which you find moments of joy and peace, dear Anthony. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anne, Thank you for posting that! It is incredibly beautiful. Compassion, to me, is a manifestation of the Creator's love, and one of the means by which we can each express that love one to another. As individual humans. I belive love happens in the particular, as did, among others, Madeline L'Engle. And I am sure you all know about the monks who meditated on compassion, and how it changed their brains. Imagine how beautiful life and Earth can be for humankind as more and more meditate on the many attributes of love, which is the most powerful creative energy in existence, after all. Which is obviously what makes this such a special place. I am having happiness right now. Thank you, wonderful teachers, givers, *<Angels>* *<twinkles>* fae

Hi Beth, Atticus looks like what we used to call our Marmalade cats at the ranch. Great mousers. Thank you for sharing about the Celebration of Life, the customs, and the scattering of ashes. Our human rituals vary so. I am very glad you are finding us all kindly enough to share Atticus with us. Thank you, and peace to you this day. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Mary, I hope you will have a bit easier day today. May your heart and spirit rest secure in the knowing of your abiding L*ve with Bill, and may you feel his presence always in your heart, and may your spirit be warmed and illuminated by your shared L*ve. You are a special, loving, and caring soul, as well as remarkably resilient and courageous. As we move into the days of the Promise, may we all be fully blessed in our grief, and comforted with the love of our Creator. I have not started writing poetry again yet, but when I do, I have a lot of wonderful stories to share about the most remarkable and loving people here, and you are most certainly one of the compassionate stars. I hope these next days ahead hold comfort, peace, and abiding hope for you, to ease this time and succour your heart. Much Love and *<twinkles>* fae

Aloha Kolea52, I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your dear husband. It is very early for you, and I imagine you are still numb. I am so sorry that your losses have been continuing. Facing our own health problems is enough without all that you have had to endure. I am especially sorry that your husband is not there to be with you through your own treatments. And to lose your brother so soon after losing your husband must feel overwhelming to you. The loss of your beloved cat had to have been another terrible blow as well. I don't know how you could feel any other way than beaten down. You have had multiple, tragic losses in a very short period of time, punctuated by your own diagnosis. I am glad to hear that you have found helping and caring people for support and assistance. Good for you. I am glad you have Hospice, as my hospice counselors have been solid support through this entire 14 months since I lost my husband Doug. The cancer support group and your support system of women will be so helpful. We had a good cancer support group here as well. It is very early for you, and if you have the same experience as many of us have had, the numbness and disbelief are still parts of your landscape each day. Please know that the days will get easier with time. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Please do join us here. There are many loving, caring and compassionate people here, and we have Marty, who monitors, mentors, consoles, and counsels us with excellent advice, helpful articles, and a most compassionate heart. Actually, everyone here whom I have met has a wonderfully compassionate heart, and we are all on this journey of loss, grief, and finding our way together, but each on our own unique path. I am glad you found this place. Life will get easier, and we will be here to support, share, and encourage you each day, and to walk with you. I can only imagine the incredible pain in your heart, and I know that you are going through the shadows of grief, loss, and figuring out how to go on. We are all here to share the days, support you, and hold you in our hearts. No one here will judge or lecture you, and everyone will lovingly support your journey. Welcome. Blessings, and thank you for stepping out of your shyness and posting here. We all learn from the sharing and come to welcome the comfort of the loving concern everyone offers. I hope you find moments of peace and stability through these turbulent times. We open our hearts to your pain, and I know everyone supports your journey. *<winkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, You are going through a time of pain and memories that I can only barely imagine. I am holding you in prayer and in love, and hoping that each day brings you at least a few moments of peace and solace. I know it is terribly difficult for you at this time, and only hope that your counselor, family, and doctors are all caring for you and holding you close. I hold you in my heart, dear one, as you pass through this time of intense feelings and memories. Peace to your heart, and I am thinking of you and wishing you relief from this grief even for a few minutes at a time. Please keep taking care of yourself, and rest. Eat as well as you are able, find some time for yourself, and let the staff care for Leo, so you can take care of you. You need to stay as well as you can to make it through this time. Much Love, fae