feralfae

Dear Jan, It does get a little easier. It has been a year and 11 days, and some nights I sleep 3 or 4 hours straight now. I must have been listening with some part of me to you and Mary, though, because I was up wandering around about the time you two were posting. Half-waking and not finding Doug there often brings me entirely awake. Jan, the healing is happening, but it is very gradual, and the progress is not at all even. Some days, I think I can go on, and other days I wonder if there is any reason to brush my teeth. But when I am up, and can come here and find some solace and sharing, it really helps. Soon, though, I hope you will find that sleep is a more comforting place, and that your nights will have more rest and less restlessness. After a year of being in a fog of grief, there are times on some days when I see a little blue sky now. I hope you know how much we all are walking with you through this. Waking up and leaving the comfort of sleep to come back to the reality of loss can be one of the hardest parts of each day. And while the loss is hard to bear, sometimes there will be moments of peace. For now, I hope you find some moments of peace, and that you can take come comfort in those times. Writing to Pete is a good idea. I hope your day is peaceful. It will get a little easier. (Marty, thank you so much for your posts below. The concept that we are setting a new benchmark helped a lot. I do know there is a reason to hope: I am still here. And I love the Thought Sculptor one, too. ) *<twinkles>* feralfae

Dear Mary, I am so sorry for your very recent loss. The article and site Marty linked were both very helpful for me. I lost my husband a little more than a year ago. I am figuring out just now that there is not timeline for this grief process. And as the article so helpfully points out, the more we lean into our grief and loss, and let the tears flow, the better we feel. I am healing now that I am letting my grief come out as tears. And,I have finally stopped expecting me to be all better in any set amount of time. I wish I knew words to help ease your pain. But I can say this: you have found a wonderful place to share your pain, share your loss, and find your along this journey. We will be here to comfort you and listen. You might want to introduce yourself on the Loss of Spouse forum, where you will find caring and loving people who have also lost spouses and will continue to respond with love to support and be with you on this journey of grief. I am so glad you have found this place, and I hope you will stay and join with us on this journey we are all learning to navigate. Welcome to a place of comfort and caring. Blessings, Peace, and Much Love, *<twinkles> feralfae

Dear Mary, Thank you for the Marianne Williamson link. I loved the "pour pink paint over it" phrase, because that is what I was doing, often. Thank you for pointing out that we must look at it, accept it, and figure out how to release it for the healing. Now that I am understanding that, I find myself sitting, crying, and actually whimpering as I release all the hurt and pain. Thank you. And it is wonderful to have this place to hold hands. Thank you. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Babbent514, I am so sorry about your sadness and this terrible double loss. No, it is not fair. I hope you have some family close by to help you bear this pain of loss. Grieving is exhausting sometimes, and it can help to share the journey. I am glad you have found this place, because there are a lot of us here who will love and walk with you as you find your way. Please know that others will be visiting you here as well, and that you are not alone. Blessings, feralfae

Dear Shannon, I am so sorry that things keep piling up around you. If hospital equipment would not be compromised, they might let you and Leo talk by the sort of inexpensive little walkie-talkies that they have at Walmart. Be sure to get the batteries. Right now, time for you to stay warm and hydrated, take an extra long warm and relaxing bubble bath, and snuggle in for a good long sleep, warm and cozy. You need to heal, and let the hospital take care of Leo for while. I hope you have some delicious Chicken Soup to nibble. Mostly, I am glad you have come home to take care of your self and get some rest. Healing will happen while you sleep. Be gentle and caring with yourself. Blessings and *<twinkles>* fae

Oh, Marty, thank you. I go now to read and I hope gain more understanding. *<twinkles>* fae

I keep surfing around in this wonderful place and finding more cause for tears, memories, and joy. After Doug's last huge surgery in October, and after he was home and weak but walking again, it was enough to be able to hold hands and kiss. But one night, not too long before he left, we were able to hold each other and make love one last time. It is one of my most cherished memories, because we both knew he was leaving, and that this was as much a goodbye to a part of our life together as it was our usual "ultimate closeness" that we shared. And it was that: a communion of two souls expressed through our bodies, and it felt as though we were back on our honeymoon. It had been months since Doug had been well enough, or home from hospitals and clinics long enough, for us to make love. I am so happy we had that last loving time of sex before he left. It was so very special. I just feel very blessed that we had that expression before he left. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Deborah, You sound just fine to me. Just grieving. I hope you can wail, sob, whine, and shed lots of healing tears. I don't know if we get to manage grief: I think it manages us. Sometimes, I am able to step back and tell myself, "Ah, this is grief, and it is healthy and natural. You are allowed to have grief." Lately, I am also telling myself, "And you are allowed to have joy." So about the only managing I am doing right now is managing to get through each day. This bad flu bug is a blessing, because it has given me a reason to be isolated, to stay in my PJs, and to read, cry, feel what I need to feel, and honor what is going on in me. All my feelings are natural. And I don't need to act on any of them. One of the best insights I gained from meditation was the awareness to stand away from the flow of thoughts and feelings and let them glide through my mind, just being aware of them, but not dwelling on them or taking any action. Then I learned to let myself cry and sob, whimper and wail, when I needed to do so. These weeks of being "on retreat" have been a blessing for that, and I wish I'd bought some stock in Puffs. I have been whimpering, wailing, and letting the tears fall where they may. I am feeling better emotionally for all the release, not so broken. I am putting in smiling faces, because I do feel that being in the grief rather than fighting it so I can stay "functional" is helping me to heal some of the pain. Now, I am beginning to learn that it is also okay to enjoy life again, even if it is very lonely without Doug. The chocolates were more therapeutic than I can say. I believed once again that I was worthy of chocolates. Huge breakthrough for me. This grief is such a process, and one we don't go through often enough for it to feel familiar, thank goodness! No wonder we need each other to find out way through this! And there are not many role models, either. I know we are each on a unique path, but the voices here, the comfort here, the recognition here are truly helpful. I have been helped more than I can say by reading what others have shared here over the years. I go back and read posts from past years, and I feel that someone else has been on this bit of the journey before me. Thank you for sharing yours with me. I am learning to do at least one kind and loving thing for myself every day. I am trying to use a lot of consciousness about it. Like, when everyone was talking about chocolates, I didn't think I should have any since Doug was not here to enjoy it with me. It didn't seem right to savor chocolates when he could not. But, I really don't know. He may be off on some adventure in the stars, grinning from ear to ear, enjoying an entire chocolate torte with raspberry sauce and hoping I am having as much fun as he is. Yesterday, when I was savoring a chocolate, I felt he would be glad to know I was having some fun. He loved that I was so happy and energetic most of the time. I am going to work on being how he loved me. That is a new thought, and now I am crying. I can take as long as I need, but I know he loved my smile and laughter. He would tell me jokes just to hear me laugh. I think it will be all right for us to be happy again as much as we can. Now I need to go find the Puffs. And this is really long. I hope some of it comforts you. *<blessings and twinkles>* fae

Dear LarrysGirl, Yes, I get it. We were a team, too. Climbing, building, art, everything. Until recently, I felt guilty if I smiled or felt happy. I felt that somehow I was betraying Doug by not being vigilant, on guard, and as close to him as I could be, even though he was gone. The last few months were very rough, and we were both worn down, exhausted, and both in pain. For me, it was easy to remain in that mode of being. Even after Doug left, I was still in a lot of physical pain. All of the loss, pain, and grieving got very twisted in my brain, as you say so aptly, and left me feeling that I had absolutely no right to feel any joy or peace. I would sit up at nights, just in case. But there was no just in case. Doug was gone and safe. I would fall asleep only to wake up. Just in case. I felt guilty that I was betraying Doug's memory if I was happy. If I enjoyed a movie, or a book, or laughed, or even enjoyed chocolate, I'd feel guilty, as though I had no right to be happy and that to honor Doug, I needed to stay sad. I am still working through this, as I slowly release my guilt at not being able to save Doug. It was almost as though I was trying to bury the joy along with the grief. It takes a while. We each have our own time line. I didn't think I 'should' have any Valentine chocolate, for instance. Yesterday, after chocolate was recommended, I went Target, since it is across the street from my doctor's office, and I found a little box of valentine chocolates on sale. I decided it was all right to have some chocolate and to enjoy it. I ate three pieces while I remembered how Doug loved chocolate, that all his favorite desserts were chocolate,and I smiled through the tears. I could not have done that a few months ago, though, because it would have felt as though I was betraying Doug somehow. I don't know if this helps. It is just my experience. I still feel guilty if I think about going on a trip or trek when Doug cannot go. Part of that feeling of guilt may be residue from not wanting to leave him when he was ill. I sometimes still feel it is not right to even forget Doug for a minute, or somehow not loyal to focus my attention somewhere else. I am learning to shift my focus, and not feel guilty about it. It has taken some time. When we are tuned in the way so many of us were, I think it is a slow process of shifting from one type of awareness to another. I know others will have good insights into this. But I do understand, even if only from my own perspective. I got very angry with people telling me that Doug would want me to be happy. And I think Doug would want me to do exactly what I wanted to do and feel what I needed to feel. Comfort, {{{hugs}}}, and *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Matt, Thank you for your music. Your songs touched my heart. My Dad and I were very close because he raised me alone most of my life. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, even though he has been gone almost 30 years now. Your music is beautiful, and your words of reconciliation and healing helped open my heart to deep feelings of love and loss. I truly appreciate your art, your heart, and your sharing. Thank you so much. Blessings, *<winkles>* fae

Dear Shannon, I am so sorry to hear things are not going better. Grrrr! is right! I hope you are making it through these days keeping in mind to take care of you. Your health is most important right now. Fainting in rehab does not sound good at all. That must have been beyond scary for you, Leo, and everyone. I hope they can give Leo oxygen assistance in the hospital, and get some of those numbers back in the normal range. I am sure every day is a challenge for you right now. Meanwhile, your car problems sound serious enough to need a garage. I hope you have a trusted mechanic nearby. I hope your Visa card has a way to get the fraud straightened out, because the last thing you need right now is any more worries. I hope you have been able to get a good night's rest, and that things will look a little better in the morning. Meanwhile, I send love and hugs to you, and *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you, Harry, for that beautiful and healing poem. I could feel the cold, smell the snow, and the sense of emptiness and silence settled in to me as I read your beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing such a special and personal message. I wish you peace and gentleness this day. *<twinkles>* fae

Death cannot stop true love. It can only delay it for a while. "the princess bride" Thank you KATPILOT, that was one of my husband's favorites, too. Peace and Blessings. *<twinkles>* feralfae

Dear Marty, thank you for those links to articles on grief and depression. Very helpful. Your writing is so clear, and resonates with me deeply, thank you. Your writing is compassionate, clear, and caring. So wonderful! One of my other very helpful resources have been the books and workbooks of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt whom you mention. I bought several of his books to give to friends as well. I feel so especially blessed to have found this place after a year of looking. Just on time, of course. *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you Kay, Harry, and Mary, Your conversation about not being ready helped a lot. I realize I have been avoiding church sometimes and other gatherings because I a tired of fending off men who just don't get it. One calls every week, although I have told him I am not ready to go out to dinner, and I will let him know when I am. (I no longer pick up the phone.) Another one, whom I see at church, keeps asking me if I am ready to "be social" and I keep telling him I am not ready, that I will let him know. (I am not answering when he calls, either.) I cannot bear the thought of another man touching me yet. I do not want anyone to hold my hand, even, except dear friends of ours, men who know and love me as Doug's wife, and they are very careful not to say, much less do, anything to make me uncomfortable. It doesn't matter how nice they might be, or how lonely I am: I am not ready to be courted or to flirt or anything close. I just want to learn to be at peace with me. Alone. That will be a good beginning. I am so glad to know that others do not feel rushed to work on a new relationship. I know I am not ready. It would not be fair to him, but mostly, it would not be fair to me. I have a ways to go, just to get myself sorted out. I am not ready. And I am all right with not being ready. I just want to find peace and to be able to make peace with Doug not being in our home with me, and with Doug not being present in this life. That is enough for now. Thank you so much, Kay, Mary, and Harry, for your insights on your journey. It really helps. *<twinkles>* fae

Thank you MartyT, for the link to that wonderful article. I know I need to be more faithful in my practice of mindfulness and RAIN. And in exercising. And in so many things. I am slowly getting there, and also being compassionate with myself when I need days to cocoon and be here, and to simply be. Thank you for a wonderful article and resource. *<twinkles>* fae

To Lighten this Day of Celebrating Loving: This was sent by our friends who are both dentists. Valentine's Day Valentine's Day probably has its origins in the Roman feast of Lupercalia, which was held on February 15. One of the traditions associated with this feast was young men drawing the names of young women whom they would court during the following year--a custom that may have grown into the giving of valentine's cards. Another legend associated with Valentine's Day was the martyrdom of the Christian priest St. Valentine on February 14. The Roman emperor believed that men would remain soldiers longer if they were not married, but Valentine earned the wrath of the emperor by secretly marrying young couples. The first American publisher of valentines was printer and artist Esther Howland, who sold elaborate handmade cards for as much as $35 at the end of the 19th century. Complex and beautiful machine-made cards brought the custom of valentine exchanging within the reach of many Americans. ******************************************************************************** HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY February 14, 2007 Have A Happy Valentine's Day On Valentine's Day, we think of people who have cheered and encouraged us, who go out of their way to be kind and caring, who have enriched our lives just by being themselves. You are such a person. The History of St. Valentine's Day Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured. According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France. While some believe that Valentine's Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Valentine's death or burial -- which probably occurred around 270 A.D -- others claim that the Christian church may have decided to celebrate Valentine's feast day in the middle of February in an effort to 'christianize' celebrations of the pagan Lupercalia festival. In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and was considered a time for purification. Houses were ritually cleansed by sweeping them out and then sprinkling salt and a type of wheat called spelt throughout their interiors. Lupercalia, which began at the ides of February, February 15, was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus. To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at the sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa. The priests would then sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification. The boys then sliced the goat's hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed being touched with the hides because it was believed the strips would make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city's bachelors would then each choose a name out of the urn and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage. Pope Gelasius declared February 14 St. Valentine's Day around 498 A.D. The Roman 'lottery' system for romantic pairing was deemed un-Christian and outlawed. Later, during the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds' mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of February -- Valentine's Day -- should be a day for romance. The oldest known valentine still in existence today was a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London following his capture at the Battle of Agincourt. The greeting, which was written in 1415, is part of the manuscript collection of the British Library in London, England. Several years later, it is believed that King Henry V hired a writer named John Lydgate to compose a valentine note to Catherine of Valois. In Great Britain, Valentine's Day began to be popularly celebrated around the seventeenth century. By the middle of the eighteenth century, it was common for friends and lovers in all social classes to exchange small tokens of affection or handwritten notes. By the end of the century, printed cards began to replace written letters due to improvements in printing technology. Ready-made cards were an easy way for people to express their emotions in a time when direct expression of one's feelings was discouraged. Cheaper postage rates also contributed to an increase in the popularity of sending Valentine's Day greetings. Americans probably began exchanging hand-made valentines in the early 1700s. In the 1840s, Esther A. Howland began to sell the first mass-produced valentines in America. According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.) Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women. In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia. Valentine greetings were popular as far back as the Middle Ages (written Valentine's didn't begin to appear until after 1400), and the oldest known Valentine card is on display at the British Museum. The first commercial Valentine's Day greeting cards produced in the U.S. were created in the 1840s by Esther A. Howland. Howland, known as the Mother of the Valentine, made elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as "scrap"

Dear Pumkin and everyone, Thank you. I have had such painful and debilitating feelings of guilt. Thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry you are having dreams about that. I cannot think of what you might have done, and your guilt has no foundation, dear one. But I have learned recently that these guilt feelings are normal. And I felt so guilty, and was sure I was guilty, that I did not want to talk about it to anyone and have my guilt confirmed. You are not guilty. You are grieving. I came to believe that somehow, if I had known more about cancer, if I had been more observant, paid better attention to small signs (I don't know if there were any, actually, but I felt I should have been tuned in better, somehow), and if I had fought harder for Doug in the early months, rescuing him from VA sooner, that things might have turned out another way. I am not guilty. I am grieving. Thank you so very much. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Mary, Thank you for sharing so much about the conversation and shared love with Cathy. You two have a special and cherished bond for sure. As I was reading your post, I had tears in my eyes, because, yes, it is very rare to find another couple where everyone "sees" each other and can share from their hearts. What wonderful memories you two share! Like Kay, I have found that the married couple with whom we shared the most have also pulled back. He is grieving the loss of Doug, and I think his wife is as well. We were actually much closer to him than her. Kay, I am sorry this has happened to you as well. I know how hard it is to lose your husband, and also lose married friends. Mary, how wonderful that there were the four of you who could all meet each other on such a loving level of knowing! Your post is beautiful, and thank you for taking the time to share. Happy Valentine's Day to you. I am glad you are finding comfort and love in the day. *<twinkles>* fae

I'm so sorry Kay. To lose pieces of your life, especially one of the communication pieces, and one that was private property, is just theft. A significant violation in so many ways. You were already dealing with so much, and you did not need this added insult to your grief and loss. Sometimes, I think it is just too much for any of us to bear. Yet, somehow, we keep going, we keep living, and we find reasons to go on. I am so sorry for this invasion, intrusion, and theft. {{{hugs}}} *<twinkles>* fae

Ah, and I am taking my girlfriend who more recently lost her husband out for Chinese, because that is what they did every year on Valentine's Day. She arrived back from her ten days in Hawaii today. I am taking some roses for her as well. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Mary, I hope your day has been as healing for you tears must have been. The surge of memories and of seeing those memories from a new perspective as well I have found very dificult. I am honored to be here as you undertake this journey, and hope I might add a little to the love and compassion I find is given here in such abundance. Thank you for a link to help me understand ALZ: I know so little about it. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful store of memories, of your enduring love, and of your journey on your river of tears. How beautiful and special your words are to me, and I am sure to others. Thank you so much for your presence here with me, with us. You are a wonderful blessing of songs, poems, images, more music, and links back to life for me, and I imagine for many of us. It is a wonderful richness, this life of humankind here on Earth, and you -- through your sadness, loss, and mostly, I think, through your enduring love -- you hand that world of beauty and richness back to us, sharing your loving vision of life. Thank you so much for your beautiful, loving, insightful, and inspiring words. You remind me that I will survive through these times of memories, and come to welcome them for their healing tears. Thank you. I wish you peace. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear LisaAnn B, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad's death. The loss of a parent can be a terrible blow, and can cause a lot of deep grief and sadness. It is difficult for many people to understand when we do not want to stuff our feelings, I think. I am glad you found this place. People here will hold you in their love, and give you a safe and compassionate meeting place to share your journey. Grief and depression can look a lot alike. I think anger is a normal part of grieving, too. And with grief, I think we just must go through it and come out on the other side. There are so many wonderful people here to be with you on this journey. I am relatively new here, having lost my husband a year ago. But I want to hold out a hand to you, offer you some comfort, let you know you are not alone on this journey, and that we will be here with you as you walk this healing path of loss, sadness, and human sorrow. I hold you in my heart, and send you much love. *<blessings>* feralfae

I am so glad that things are better today. Yes, as Mary said, keep taking care of YOU. That is your job right now. *<twinkles>* fae

Oh, Dear Shannon, I just posted over on another thread, and did not come here to look first. I am so sorry you are dealing with such an overflowing load of things. Is it time for you to go to hospital? It sounds as though you are not in good shape at all. Is there anyone you can call? A neighbor? Someone you know nearby? Please go sooner rather than later. Have someone there with you if you can. Yes, it certainly seems you took the right paths and Leo is where he needs to be. Maybe it is time for you to turn some healing attention to yourself, dear? Hummmmmmm? I hope others will stop here and add some better advice. I wish I knew more to tell you, dear one. At least go see your physician and have a physical. Please. I wanted to edit this in case you see it yet tonight. Please try to relax and do some deep breathing. I hope you can sleep well tonight. In fact, I hope you are already asleep and won't see this until tomorrow. I hope you are feeling better. And I hope you get some medical help for YOU asap. {{{hugs}}} *<twinkles>* fae