feralfae

Kay, you know, as in "round up the usual suspects" and it was a phrase our birding group leader used often. My CRV is a 2002, with 200,000 miles on it, still running very well. The recall was probably not for your year, but once they had my car in the shop, the Honda dealer gave me a list of maintenance service that needed to be performed at 200,000, so although the recall part was free, I ended up spending more than $500 on the rest of the needed maintenance work. Not complaining, but it was an unexpected expense. It is raining here, and cool with an overcast sky. I have a fire going. *<twinkles>* fae

QMary, I just read about Lois, and I am sorry to hear this news. Peace to your heart. Harry, I am glad you got to see Hank and that he is looking better. I hate those tax forms, and I hope that by now you are finished and ready to mail them. If you do not have one, perhaps it is time to get an accountant to do the returns. I had to take the Honda for a recall repair, and saw several of the chaps there who knew Doug, and who are always so very kind to me. I later watched the most delightful movie, "Arranged" about two young women in Brooklyn, going through some of life's major transitions. Time to get some sleep, on a lovely night of light rain making soft sounds in the hush of the spring night. There were yellow-rumped warblers, two robins, and a male mountain bluebird here today, as well as the usual suspects. Peace to all our hearts, *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Amy, I am so sorry that you have lost your wonderful Daniel. Your words beautifully convey your love and grief, and I am glad you feel supported here. Sorry I have not been around much. This month is heavy in special days, as 19 May is both our anniversary and Doug's birthday. He has been gone 3 years and three months, and I am much stronger and able to enjoy life a lot more than I could even a year ago. It takes as much time as we need on this journey, and I am glad you are here with us, around Marty's wonderful fire, to make the journey with the loving support that resides here. Welcome and some *<fairy dust>* which is a prayer and a blessing and a hug. Yes, grief weakens our immune system. And grief often settles in the lungs. Please do all you can to care for yourself, giving yourself all the love and compassion that Daniel would give you if he were there. Or that you would give to him. I know you are probably doing so, but I just wanted to stress this. Please reach out to the people at work, friends, any family, and ask for help and support. People could bring soup, other meals, and some fresh fruits. Your body needs lots of rest. If you have not done so, you might want to talk with a local Healer. Perhaps a naturopath or Ayurvedic doctor. There are some natural products you can take to boost the immune system. For a while, I was taking colostrum, propolis, and extra Vitamin D. This might be entirely the wrong combination for you, but some immune boosters of some type might help with the illness. Do you have a humidifier? Can you take an Elderberry extract, such as Sumbucus? Here, so you needn't hunt for it, from Wikipedia: "Folk medicine Black elderberry has been used medicinally for hundreds of years.[8][9] Some preliminary studies demonstrate that elderberry may have a measurable effect in treating the flu, alleviating allergies, and boosting overall respiratory health.[10][11] Elder is used in traditional Chinese medicine, dissolved in wine, for rheumatism and traumatic injury.[12]" I do hope you can get some help—and kindly visitors—soon. Encourage people to take care of you for a while until you have your strength back, and that might take a week or more. You have healing going on at may levels, from your broken heart to your lungs, so devote yourself to healing until the lungs clear. You must do this, practicing patience and good care of your precious body. Enough of me mothering you for a while. *<twinkles>* and Peace to your Heart. feralfae

Butch, You know this is a place to bring your anger. We understand. I doubt that any of us has made it this far with our grief without days of anger, perhaps even rage. I wrote long, nasty letters to doctors about what I believe was their incompetence, to hospitals who botched tests, to people who took advantage of Doug's being ill. I didn't mail any of them, but it helped a lot to rant and rage on my computer or with my fountain pen, and to get it OUT until I felt a still, inert emptiness inside where the anger had been. And then, of course, more anger rose up in a few days, and I repeated the process. I threw things, split wood, did all I could around the times of weakness from the surgeries. I would sit in my car and growl and yell. I made balls of clay and threw them very hard against my studio work table. I lifted weights, walked, ran a little, carried rocks, and did all kinds of things. I came here and wrote about my anger, and I think everyone who responded understood and shared the experience. Of course you are angry. You have been robbed of your most prized treasure of your heart. I think we all muddle through in this new role, and that it takes a long time to sort it out, begin to think about a new life, and to begin to slowly, every so slowly, put some of the pieces back together to begin to create anything that feels like life again. Keep being patient and compassionate with your broken heart, with your need to feel all different feelings, and to accept and honor those feelings as a part of the process. Anger is a familiar feeling when we are grieving. And I don't think anger is useless: it often tells us where we need to do some healing work, probably with our grief counselor. Bring your anger here, vent and rage, and we will hold your heart while you use this safe place to slowly release the anger from your heart and body. We understand and share your feelings, and we are here for you. Blessings, fae

Harry, What a beautiful and eloquent tribute to your alma mater, to the students who strive there, and our own dear Marty. Thank you for sharing your writing with us here,and with the world. Thank you from me personally for your emotional support, kindness, concern, and openness during my initial shock and dismay about the NETS. My tests are coming back clear, but I will keep having tests every four months (graduated from three months to four!) and living as best as I can to stay healthy. And your words on gardens sent me out to begin to reclaim more of the flower beds and plants, the fruit trees and cattails that have been terribly neglected since Doug left. Your words are a wonderful inspiration and solace for peace in the future. namaste, fae

Anne, I am excited for you that you are taking a pottery class. Will you be working on a wheel? This is going to be so much fun for you. Clay on your fingers, indeed, and probably on your clothes, hair and elbows as well. Have entirely too much fun! Jan, is it possible to put in a dog run for Kelbi, her own space to run in and a place she can play, where she can "own" the area and the birds can learn to stay out of her space? I don't know it this works, but it is just a thought. Kay, we had rain last night, and it is supposed to be a little warmer today. I hope you are having some peaceful days without much stress, and able to just love yourself and relax with your fur family. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anne, Beautiful, truly beautiful. Thank you. *<twinkles>* fae

Kay, I will post some photos when I get some pieces through the process - throwing, firing, glazing, firing again. It takes a while. nattering . . . I decided that, although I did not want to go, I'd go to meeting yesterday, and as a treat, stop and buy the Sunday paper at the grocery store on the way to meeting. While I was at the grocery store, I decided to get a dozen beautiful pale salmon roses, and give one to each of the mothers at meeting. I knew I'd still have half a dozen or so to bring home (our meeting is a small group, and we have meeting in the activity room at one of the retirement communities). When I got to the building, there was a dear elderly woman, probably about 90, standing with her walker, telling the receptionist about how she had outlived her two children. So of course I had to give her a rose. Then the receptionist said she had three children, so I gave a rose to her. There were a couple of other women, both with walkers, sort of wandering around, so I gave them each a rose. Then I went upstairs for meeting, and gave roses to the mothers there. I had one left, which I had planned to bring home. But when I got back downstairs, there was a darling fellow of advanced years playing the piano for everyone, and very well. So I gave my last rose to him, and he smiled at me while he continued to play. My darling grandson Sterling called from Houston. He has been through some tough times as well, and we talked a little about that and his plans to finish his degree. He is heading into his last semester, with only a few credits left to complete his degree, which he should have by Christmas. Then he is thinking of grad.school or pharmacy school, but not sure where he wants to be in 5 years yet. Meanwhile, I watched "The Way" again, and realized that crying during the movie is very cathartic and helpful for me. Lots of emotional energy gets released. Then I watched "Lovely, Still" with Ellen Burnstein and Leonard Nemoy, which is about a family's struggle with the father's Alzheimer's. It is a beautiful story, and gave me a deeper appreciation for what Mary, Anne, and others have faced and endured. We are all such fragile creatures in our physical health and in our loving hearts. I read Harry's article on taking off his ring this morning. Working in the studio means I wear no jewelry, of course, but I often slip my ring back on, because I do not feel fully dressed without it. I am so glad we have Harry to share his journey with beautiful eloquence. Then I read an article on sorting and and clearing things. I still have so much of that to do. I am working on being patient with myself, recognizing that between health issues, dealing with the bad stuff, and losing Doug, I need to be as gentle with myself as it takes for as long as it takes for me to feel ready. Harry's patience with his process, and his self-awareness, help me to realize how slow and incremental this journey can be. But at the same time, I am getting a lot done, and I think for humans who live in this western culture, it is tough to not feel the need to accomplish, to do, to be active. We are not a contemplative culture, even filling what could be quiet times with television too often. I am always amazed to visit people and find televisions on and blaring, although no one is actually watching them. Maybe it is company for them. It is a beautiful sunny day here today. I am slowly cleaning flower beds and starting to get the yard in better shape. Life has a slow rhythm right now, and that is just fine with me. Tomorrow is the last day of my "vacation-staycation" and then I must get back to desk work, more studio work, and also return to my trauma therapy sessions. But today, I am wrapping little gifts for people, doing a bit of cleaning, and simply letting myself be. Maybe some studio time, too. I think of you all so very often, wondering how you are doing on your journeys, wishing we could have tea or coffee and long talks, and so very grateful to at least have this wonderful fire to gather 'round and share our journeys and what we are learning. I hope everyone is enjoying the beauty of the day. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Karen, It is so good to hear from you! I am glad your grandson gave you a hug! I know the day was filled with special thoughts and memories for Debbie, and I hope you were able to have some good memories to lighten your heart a bit. I am sending love and wishing you a good day, with good memories, and peace for your heart. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Butch, You ARE together. Mary knows how well you are managing to make it through each day. She knows how much you are there for your son and grandsons. With you, she is celebrating the joyful news of the twins. I so very well remember those days of thinking I "should" be doing better, that I "should" find a way to rise above the sadness and grief, that I "should" be getting on with life and clearing my mind and heart and able to be more effective at work. It has taken a long time to accept that today, no matter what is going on, I am all right, that it is all right to be where I am today, and to be right here, to let life flow, and to enjoy what I am able to enjoy, and to cry when I need to cry. Butch, we slowly, very slowly, learn to carry our grief with more grace. We ever so slowly learn to let in little bits of joy, to enjoy the moment, to be caught in the aliveness of the day. I think sometimes that it sort of sneaks up on me: a flower blooming, a bird singing, a hug from a dear friend. These comforts and reminders that life is going on around me, help to draw me back into my own life, and to appreciate that I am here, surrounded by all the beauty and richness which we are given by our Creator, and I then stand in awe and wonder at my beautiful, beautiful life. Not perfect, not always happy, and sometimes devastatingly empty, as it was when Doug left. But he left me with so much love, so many beautiful memories, such a constant sense of his spirit within and around me, that I cannot help but feel grateful that I am still here to carry his memory, to sometimes say his name to the forest and the birds, and to be lifted by the love that still lives on. We cannot change our loss, but we can do exactly what you are doing: acknowledge the loss and pain, and turn to the beauty of life when we are able to do so, even if only for a few minutes at a time. I think you are walking with great grace and beauty, and I know Mary is so very proud of you for being the loving, caring person you are. I am dedicating this Mother's Day to my Grandmother, who was one of my sanctuaries, and to my darling MIL, Estelle, who simply surrounded us all with her bright and loving spirit in many ways. How wonderful that we have had such people to love. Mary and Doug. Our families and friends. I think I feel best when love is flowing through me. I know that even in your deep sorrow, love is flowing through you for your family, and I know that love is healing your heart, because that is what love does. You are a loving and caring person, and I hope today you will find some comforting memories, some beautiful memories, to bring peace to your heart. Blessings, fae

Kay, I hope Arlie's pen has a good top. When we lived up Lolo trail, we had a neighbor's beautiful yellow lab taken by a mountain lion—very near our house! Yards away! Not even a tenth of a mile. They had a twelve-foot chain link fence, but no top. The lion got in, took Juniper, and hauled her out over that fence. Lots of fur and hair, but no lion and no dog. None of us even heard Juniper bark. So much for the alert watch dogs! After that, we all checked the trees for lions when we took out the trash at dawn or dusk. And a we had a moose who slept in the raspberry patch for a while. In winter, there were elk in the yard. Juniper used to steal our running shoes if we left them outside after our morning runs. We had to hang them on wooden pegs. So, make sure Arlie is safe if you live in a place wild enough to still have lions. (Did I mention that the ranch lion who lives in a cave, and is obviously female, is named "Fluffy" by me? Everyone knows of whom I speak.) I loved living where there are moose in the raspberry patch and elk in the winter. I imagine your place is such a haven, a sanctuary for you. There is incredible healing and solace in the heart of nature, isn't there? I hated being in Phoenix and Tucson -- big cities! The lights of the city have lost their charm for me. I think I am about ready for the Aurora Borealis, especially since I have a series designed for that motif. I will have two weeks of throwing time starting Thursday. Horray! I am going to post some birding stuff here when I get everything put away, and the house sort of re-opened more than it yet is. This is Fourth Month of May for me since Doug escaped. I remember May of 2012, with Doug's memorial services for the climbing community and for his spirit family/tribe. I was in terrible pain and would soon be facing emergency surgery. But I did it, I hosted the gathering in Alaska. How far I have come! I can feel a sense of "me" again, and there is a heart beating here, and I am physically stronger, as well as more emotionally resilient. I am more and more able to hold Doug in my heart and cherish all the beautiful memories. This is still a healing time for me. I am busy with some clay stuff, but I have only recently begun to form the shapes I want to make, because it takes a while for hands to learn a new shape. And the designs are coming together, as well as planning the tones for when the pieces are rung. Yes, porcelain does that. . This series seems to have the name Earths Harmonics already, now all I must do is make about 50 and get them fired. *<twinkles>* fae

Kay, I think shooting cats is terrible as well. When cats around here are trapped by animal control, they are taken to a no-kill shelter. I think what needs to happen is that when cats or dogs are adopted, there needs to be a training session about keeping animals on the owner's property or on leashes and under control so they don't kill the little wild animals. Out here, we have open range, so not many fences, and the cost of putting up a fence to keep out pets not under control of their owners is really high. I have seen two neighbors almost come to blows after a dog killed a fawn. The fawn was on a small ranch that is a posted wildlife sanctuary, and the dog was one of several who "pack up" and run the deer, often killing the fawns, and also killing other animals, including rabbits and cats. I think if people love their pets, they should keep them under control and protected. I have found many dead chipmunks, birds, baby rabbits, and baby jackrabbits on my property. Most of them were partially chewed. When we had cats, years ago, they were de-clawed, indoor cats, not allowed out unless on a leash. Out here, where we all have acres of land, it is hard to patrol it to keep off cats and dogs, or even four-wheelers. I know the guy who is shooting cats had called animal control at least 50 times -- he had the records when he was taken to court for killing a neighbor's cat,and the trial ended up with the neighbor being fined for not heeling his cat under control. Of those 50 times, 43 resulted in trapping a cat, and the owner of 3 cats trapped more than 20 times had paid $1,000 in fines for letting his cats run free. Then the bird-protecting neighbor got an air rifle, then he got a .22. We now have more bluebirds nesting again. And the chipmunks are slowly returning, but not the pine squirrels or jack rabbits or grouse. We are missing so many small mammals and birds since we did our first wildlife census. It is the responsibility of the pet owner to keep their pet under control and off of private land, not the responsibility of the landowner whose land is being invaded/trespassed by domestic predatory animals. So, I call the animal control officers. I know them all on a first-name basis, as well as the names of their personal dogs. It is hard to get people to understand the damage that loose domestic pets can do to the land and forests and their natural residents. There is one siamese they have trapped and taken away from my property five times! But most neighbors do walk their cats and dogs on leashes, thank goodness. You have enough property to let your animals out. And I know you love them enough to keep them from being exposed to any dangers. I wish everyone loved their pets enough to care for them as well as they watch and control their children. I am trying to save the little animals who lived here for a long time before this house was here Anywhere there is an urban/wilderness interface, I think we need to be especially sensitive to protecting the natural environment as best we can. Just around our homes and on our property. Now you got me thinking, so maybe I will write up something for the animal shelter to give to people who adopt pets there. Hmmm... Thank you for getting me thinking. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Jan, I am sorry about the bird. Domestic cats and dogs are introduced, unnatural predators most places,certainly all over North America. Audubon has traced the perilous decline of many songbirds to, among other things, cats allowed to roam free. In Alaska, the loose cats hunt the voles and small birds, and we are beginning to see nature going out of balance up there in many places where the little mammals and birds that interacted with and groomed the understory of the forests have been killed off by cats and dogs, so that the entire chain of life in the forests is falling out of balance, then next the lynx and rabbits disappear. Where I live in Montana, the forests already have lost several native, natural species to predatory, introduced, domestic pets. Cats are great mousers to keep mice out of homes and barns, but left to wander free, they do incredible levels of destruction to native species. Same with free range dogs. We have border collies at the ranch, but of course they are working dogs and trained not to hare off after marmots or rabbits or skunks, etc. They sleep in the house in their beds, so at least they are not out roaming unsupervised. Actually, they are too valuable to have them running free. We are trying to save the marmot, ferret, and jack rabbit populations on the ranch from the neighbors' domestic pets, who wander miles to hunt at times. It is such a huge problem. I know several fellow birders who now routinely shoot roaming cats, shooting any cats they see stalking birds or disturbing nests on their property. Doug and I put up painted sheet metal cat-stops on many of our trees, but of course the birds nest in smaller bushes and other trees as well, so I try to watch. We are part of a bluebird restoration project, and where we have those boxes, we have done all we could to keep the cats from the nesting boxes. There is a leash law for dogs AND cats in our county, because of the terrible decline of small forest mammals due to predation by cats, mostly. I routinely call animal control to come take away roaming cats and dogs. Having been a birder all my life, I am especially aware of the problems roaming pets can do to the bird populations. I am glad you can keep Kelbi on a leash while the birds are there. Domestic cats and dogs are simply not a natural part of the wild cycle of life, although they certainly impact it in terrible ways. I had a meeting with one of the nation's specialists on bird/wind farm interactions while I was in Arizona. I have been investigating adding some wind power to a couple of buildings, and wanted to find out more about how the blades of those large structures are affecting the bird populations. These days, I am happy to report, much consideration is being given to the birds, with nest relocations to places away from wind farms being standard practice now. Flight patterns of hawks are considered when the windmills are being placed as well, to leave free the areas where hawks might be taking advantage of thermals. Lots going on in this area. Fascinating work. And I found out about some new designs for wind generators that have screened covers to keep birds out of the blade areas. Time for me to go check my new woodpecker boxes today. I had more woodpecker boxes put up to keep the birds from pounding holes in the house, and the flickers seem to have moved right in! A happy ending for us all, I hope. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Anne, Thank you for the positive report. Your niece is certainly a loving and good person, and she writes with warmth and intimacy about her life, feelings and the situation. I know you are comforted to hear this report from her. I am glad things are going better, that new goals are in place, and that rehab is bringing good changes. *<twinkles>* fae

Today, it is three years and three months since Doug left. This is also our anniversary month, his birthday month, and the month we first met. So many memories flood through me today, and I am going to just let myself be in the flow of love and grief, honoring our love and my own longing and aloneness. Just yesterday, I had an email from a friend in Alaska, asking when I would be up, hoping I would attend the next board meeting. I don't know if I will. I don't know if I'm ready to go to Alaska again yet, since I am in the midst of this trauma therapy. But today, just for today, I am going to let myself move into my sadness and grief, my loneliness and lostness, and honor these feelings that I sometimes must put aside to go on with new this life I am trying to find and create from pieces that are left. When I think of Doug, and our love, I think how incredibly blessed, how amazingly lucky, how profoundly fortunate I was to be found and courted by such a kind, gentle, loving, generous, goofy, athletic, adventurous, brilliant, and caring man. He filled my days with love, wonder, fun, comfort, peace, protection, sharing and philosophy. He was a brilliant epistemologist and climber. He was an insightful and successful businessman. He was a goofy lovable guy sometimes, and he was always true to himself. As one climber said of Doug, "He found his center and stayed there." And truly, Doug did. And so, today, I am lighting a candle, burning frankincense, playing some of his favorite music, and I am gong to write a very long letter to my beloved husband, whom I can no longer see or kiss, but whose spirit I still feel with me. He seems to know when I need him most, and at those times, his spirit comes and holds me and comforts me. I still feel wonderfully loved, but oh!, so alone! Jan, I am holding you close in my heart as you make it through your own days of remembering and loving, longing and celebrating. This is no easy journey. I know Pete is with you, each moment, and that your love is a alive and strong as ever. Yes, I understand the solace of others, and the need to be alone. I think it is good that we can honor both and attend to our emotional needs with love and compassion. I think you are doing a beautiful journey, and I am often inspired by your insights and thoughtfulness. Namaste. We are surviving, and we are finding our new Path. It is a long, long journey, and I am not sure it ends even when we make that energetic phase change of death. Truly, I have come to believe that death is just a phase change. I know Doug believed that was so. Because I feel him close around me, because he fills my head with our songs when I become sad, because he promised me he wasn't going to leave me all alone, I believe as well. He never, ever lied to me, and I don't think he did about this. So, I hold on, knowing he is here, keeping watch over me, loving me, and giving me as much comfort as he can from his new energetic state. And it is a lot, and it keeps me going each day. I am not yet called, and so I feel I must do my best to live each day as best I can. The birding trip was wonderful, although I came home early because one leg of the tour was cancelled due to that canyon being closed for the bears. I will write up a report and post a few photos of the new hummingbirds and other birds I saw, of the beautiful hikes, and the hauntingly beautiful scenery. Many of the places were filled with memories of being there with Doug years ago. But if I avoid places where I have memories, I would miss the happy memories of our times together, so I acknowledge the loss, the sadness, and then turn and find joy in the day, in the place, in life, although the ache in my heart continues to exist. I find a great deal of comfort in nature, knowing it was Doug's favorite place as well, and that among the mountains, he was truly happy. We do learn to carry our grief with more grace as time passes, and perhaps that is enough. *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Jan, I'm thinking of you and Pete, and holding you in my heart today. Thank you for sharing Pete with us, here around our fire. namaste, fae

Dear Mary, Thank you for links to these wonderful resources Your generous, kindhearted caring and sharing continue to touch us all. Much of what you share seems to touch me personally, and I thank you for continuing to be a loving resource and a well of wisdom for me especially. I hope your healing and 'reconfiguration' are going well. Love to Bentley, and to you as well of course. Peace to your dear heart, and namaste, fae

More soon, but for now, just {{{hugs}}} to you all and Much Love, fae

Dear Teri, I am so very sorry that you have lost your wonderful husband Brian. You two sound as though you had truly loving and delightful times together. Your story is beautifully told and I imagine resonates with many of us. Finding our soulmates, and then losing them, is a loss I don't think we ever get over. We learn to adjust and to make a life for ourselves, but big pieces who I am will be missing. I lost Doug three years ago, and I still yearn for him every day, wish he were here to guide and protect me, and to hold my hand as we fall asleep. I am glad we had so many wonderful years, but we had another 30 or more years planned, and now I must find a way to give meaning and substance to those years without Doug here to share the days and nights with me. I am glad you found this site, but so very sorry for the loss that brought you here. I think you will find this a place of compassion, support, and sharing that will help you as you make this grief journey. Peace to your heart. feralfae

Anne, What the heck are you doing up at 4:30 am??? I hope you are planning a nice nap later today! Jan, I like your special garden idea, and hope when it is done, perhaps you will post a photo of it here. I hope your anniversary day for Pete is filled with beautiful memories and comforting words from all those around you. Remember to give yourself time for reflection and remembering. Honor your own heart, and surround yourself with compassionate energy as you move through the day. Our anniversary and Doug's birthday are next month, and I am already thinking of how to celebrate our love and remember Doug on that day. Slowly, I am finding ways to celebrate the memories, to release a bit of the sadness and begin to move with gratitude and joy through this beautiful garden of memories I have of our days and years together. I know you are doing the same. I will be thinking of you during this time, and sending *<twinkles>* fae

Dear Butch, You have not let Mary down at all. As you approach this anniversary, remember that grief brings up so very many emotions, and not all of them are valid. We get angry, guilty, fearful, ashamed, vengeful, and so much more, because our Beloved is not present with us right here and right now. You are a loving and good person, and I know Mary is proud of you and thankful for your love, just as you feel about her. I think you will make it through this anniversary time with some beautiful memories to comfort you, although your broken heart will still feel the pain and emptiness. Let the feelings flow, and as Stephen said, follow your heart. Let these feelings be what they are—feelings you are having right now, feelings which will perhaps change over time. The emotional turmoil and great waves of grief we feel the first while are still very present for you, and slowly, your heart will heal a bit and you will be able to look at life, and your love, with more compassion for yourself and others. About dear Nancy, I hope you will talk with your counselor about your feelings, including your feelings you have for another. I think it is normal to reach out for emotional connection with others when we are feeling so alone. I hope you can talk wither counselor about this. I think it is normal and human, but also a time to be cautious and patient with yourself and others, because when we are vulnerable, we need to be both compassionate and caring, including doing exactly what you are doing: expressing your feelings and considering them carefully. I know Mary is proud of you for all you are doing to help yourself to go on and to heal. I hope you can discuss this all with your counselor soon. I am keeping you in prayer, and sending lots of *<twinkles>* fae

Kay, I am so glad you had such a good day. good shopping, and good food! It's raining here. NIce thunderstorm, actually.

Hello Smudgie, I think your words above could sum up what many of us have felt, that sense of 'why me?' What have I done that this pain should be visited on my heart? Am I being punished? Why can't this pain lessen? When we have loved deeply, we grieve deeply. After three years, I am only beginning to feel hope and that life might be all right again. Some days are very rough, and yet, each day I hold on, keep my faith, and believe that things can and will get better, I seem to feel a little lighter, the pain seems to soften a little bit, and more of the dark shadows lift. Grief can pull us in to places of great sadness, helplessness, and hopelessness. But, our love and our beautiful memories can lift us up from those places into a space of more light and beauty. Please try to remember the beauty of the days you have had, and know that beauty is possible for you again. Just hang on, and keep taking very good care of yourself, while being as compassionate and loving to yourself as you can. Life does get better. Open the door a tiny bit, and have a little faith that something good might enter your life today. Just take it one day at a time, and if you need to, take it one hour at a time. Your poetry is expressive and I think everyone here who reads it can relate to your feelings of how empty and painful it can be, even after a year. Have patience with yourself, and slowly, life will get easier. Blessings to you, fae

Wonderful news QMary! Yes, just to see someone rally and come back to life can lift our spirits delightfully. I know you must be feeling such a sense of relief. I hope your other sis can come for a visit, and that you own travels are filled with good times and good friends. *<twinkles>* fae

That sounds sort of reasonable anyway. Stress can cause a lot of things to go wrong or to have strange symptoms. fae