Pollara

You did the best I think. The first days would be difficult but I hope you will feel better afterwards. And after all, are you sure that she is keeping up with your updates? She is with another guy and a lot of time has passed. I believe that if at some point want for some reason to come in contact with you, she will find a way. For me it was even more difficult cause I had to block all our common friends, and they were also my friends damn it. But I value myself more than them. And it won't be forever. I doubt they will notice it anyway, because as I said it is not like I am in the same country and don't answer to their phone calls etc. But if you know a way to find her, she will definitely find a way to find you

well KayC that is the thing. I can totally understand why you feel and felt like that. But people in internet like hiding behind anonymity and speak ill about others. I am not like that and if I sometime make someone feel uncomfortable I will only do that because it is my opinion and not of an ill will. And what is my friends appreciate because they know that I don't tell them the things that they just want to hear in order to reassure them. In any case, yes a lot of people are like: yes of course he would have preffered his mom. You never asked him to leave his mom or to choose between you too. To ask him to back you up for me it is totally understandable and he should have done it. I have done it with one of my exes that my father disapproved when I was younger because otherwise it is like I don't support my decision. Of course it might be even more difficult for Jim that he has Asperger. And the second thing that everyone says: you pressured on things, you should have done this and that and the other. Easier said than done. I really believe that in this case I was as selfless as someone could have been. I cannot even hear for some of my acquaintants lines like: come on, he has it hard. Of course he does. I never doubted about it, but I also have it hard and noone cares.

Well yes I have thought of the letter as well and I might do it at some point. Maybe I will try to ask him personally out when I will return to my country and if he refuses then I will do that. Just to say that I said everything I wanted to say. I also don't believe that there is a posibility of us being together, especially after not answering to my texts which where one per 1.5 month. Actually it is not the time that makes it strange to reconcille. After all it is 3.5 months after the break up. I know couples who reconcilled even after years. And as I already mentioned I have stories that wants us to be together after years. But my biggest surprise though is that he cut contact totally. This was unexpected. And with this in mind, even if he comes back after years how can I accept him although I want him? OK I understand that someone doesn't want a relationship at the time, I totally get it. I understand that he wants his space etc. But to someone that you had even the slightest feelings not to answer at all? and it is not like I kept on calling every day after the break up or something. One per 1.5-2 months is very discreet I think and my opinion is that you can answer to the other in order not to worry and make it clear even in an indirect way that you don't want anything more than friendship. He knows me. He knows that I am not the type of woman who press on things and situations. He knows that I will never ask him to be together again or something, so really what is he makes him worrying to talk to me. Anyway, I am saying all this because as Fred is impatient as he mentions, the grieving process is different for everyone, but still I don't believe it takes less than 2 months. especially if you get into depression. But any situation is different. By the way KayC, sorry, I didn't understood that he had came in contact with his ex before. But, I have read a lot of cases when the griever resume contact with people that he had spoken for ages and with exes that they weren't on good terms but not with the person they were on relationship at that time. Even my ex, he is almost every day with some persons that he was telling me that he doesn't recognise them as good friends (no he didn't hate them, but he considered them as unreliable). So to think that he prefers them than me... So the fact that someone will let people back to his life doesn't necessarily means that he will ressurect his relationship in a romantic way.

well Fred, I am actually kind of like you so that is why 7 months even to me strike really really heavily. But since I am 7 months after you I can tell you that our case is similar. I was with my ex 2 months when this happened. And it was something that he was waiting because his mother had cancer for 15 years or so. In the first 3 weeks he was totally ok and then he started felling into depression. Although, he tried to fight and even came to visit me 2 months after the death. I was seeing the signs but as you do now I didn't wanted to believe. In any case, he broke it off with me 1.5 after he came to visit me. He told me that he needs to cure himself first and fix some other things in his life before starting going into relationship again and I told him that if he feels like he wants to be together again with me he can find me. At that time I really didn't think that he will cut off contact with me completely because he speaks with all of his exes except his previous one. Well I am 3.5 after the break up and we haven't speak. my last effort of seeing if he feels better was no answer at all. It is the same for me cause everything were great between me and him and also he had come out 1 year before he meets me for a relationship that was full of fights and jealousy. he met me to all of his friends and even to his deceased mom. So I believe that in some way I must meant something to him. Three months after this hurts like hell. My previous ex, we are in friendly terms. we were almost 5.5-6 years together but it was totally different. This came out of the blue. I mean the one day to send you valentine's presents and the next week starts not talking to you. I believe that this optimistic view made things that hard for me. that although I knew I chose not to believe that it was all over. Even after the break up he even tell to a common friend that we might be together. Yeah together with no contact at all. And also my ex was like that, care about other people's feelings. and his parents were divorced. I really hope the best for you and your girlfriend but for me, whoever asks for space and stuff usually doesn't return. and also if someone fells into depression this might take a lot of time to heel. And my interpratation of the letter was breaking up. I don't know if it loses something in translation. And also yes it is different to let other friends come in than having a relationship to come in. My ex resume his contact with all his friends. And in the begining he was talking about these things only to me. now I am the only on he doesn't talk. As KayC had mentioned, Jim resumed contact with even a girlfriend that he was afraid of, but not with her. Still it is too early for you. I hope that your girlfriend has a hard time and she might be better. I don't know and without offence, I believe that you think that this might take something like 1 or 2 months and then she will be ok. But if someone chooses depression over grieving with other people (English are not my first language) then it usually takes longer. As what to answer I still regret that I didn't tell what I have to tell. But back then I really believed that we are not going to cut contact at all and at some point we will be able to talk at least as friends and at some point I will tell you how I felt. At the point that he might have a clearer mind. Because when someone is in depression cannot think anything else but himself. Now I see that we probably won't speak ever again and this hurts me. That I didn't tell how I feel. Well it is up to you to decide. Since you still have hopes, then just write something to her like: sorry I wasn't insane, it was just strange to me watching you become further and futher. you know how I feel about you and I still have the same feelings for you I understand that you need your time and whenever you feel ready you know that I will be waiting for you. something among these lines. In any case she won't read it that much because she only thinks about herself at this time. So if you write more yes she might find it suffocative. oh and also I am like that when it comes to self perfection and I am pretty selfish. But this only when it comes to normal situations as it proved. ie, if someone didn't want to have contact with me I was always the type: ok if you dont want one I dont want 100 and always forget it. Actually I have a lot of old stories that still begging me because I was like that back then. One he still begs me after 13 years. But what the problem was in this situatuon that I couldn't act like that was that I knew there is a real problem, so I always have the hope, oh he is not yet fine. When he will become fine he will seek me. And since you are impatient that is why I am giving you this piece of advice

yes it is true KayC what you say. I don't consider myself pressury (this is a word propably that doesn't exist but whatever). I believe that if it was some other girl she would have been 100 mores pressure than me. I can tell of the advice they give me. Like call him and scold him and stuff. What I did was after the death and when he started became distant I had told him twice that I will leave the communication part to him since I can totally understand that he is not in the mood. I never mention anything about our relationship. When he came to visit me, I only asked him once if he wants to return to our country for summer holidays and he said he doesn't know. I only show compassion and told him that it is natural and it is natural not have energy. after he returned for 1.5 he stopped talking to me and only talk to me once in a month. I just sent him an email in the meantime in order not to be a pressure and told him that I won't return for summer but this might better because if I was there it might be pressure. He just said it is good that you will stay there or something like that. Then I didn't say anything totally anything for one month when I asked him if he have break it off. He told me no and that he wants to talk to me before he makes any decision and I told him it is only natural to feel like that and he can have all the space he wants and when I will return to my country at autumn we will see our relationship but let's consider it a pause. Of course this was the extra additional pressure so he called me 2 weeks after and broke it off. Since then. I did the mistake and ask him 3 days after the break up if this was the reason in order to take an answer like: I don't know, I cannot think clear, I am ready to take antidepressants. Then I spoke him 1.5 after and then few days ago. All these make 8 times that I tried to contact him in 7 months. The 4 of them was after the breaking up and only 1 of them was about our relationship because I had learnt something that I heard he told about me and I was out of mind. For me, I don't consider these times that I added pressure and I am pretty positive that noone would have been so patient like me. BUT, for him now I think that this was extra pressure. I don't know, I might send him something in his birthday but I don't think of contacting him again. I told him so many times that if he wants he knows where to find me (in a polite way). I also sent him sms texts one in 1.5 month to show him that I am still thinking of him and see if he is doing well. He didn't bother to answer. I don't believe there is nothing else to do. Maybe he even thinks that I am not giving him enough space. Of course there definitely will be another girl that he will be there at the right time and she will take the space that I gave him. But that is life. Everyone is suggesting giving space, but to be honest, I didn't see a lot of cases coming back from the (outer space) so I don't want to hold my hopes up for something impossible. I really don't know what you should do Fred. Whether you do the one or the other. Personally on the one hand I would have feel happy that at least he told me something but on the other kind of insulted that she prefered her friends over me, thinking I was anedequate for that.

Well Fred I am glad you feel relieved. But let me tell you one thing, you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with it. I am also very energetic as well but I don't consider myself enthusiastic. Instead, I can tell that my ex was overly enthusiastic over our relationship and did a lot of surprises for me. In the end, he even accused me to one common friend of being immature. I believe he was just trying for excuses in order to have a reason to break it off since he was feeling like that. I also believe because he was mentioning something like: love is the thing that want you to make things for the other, like he does for me, he felt that he doesn't have energy anymore to do these things for me and although I didn't ask for it, he couldn't stand it. What I mean by that, is that I don't actually believe that your girlfriend didn't like your enthusiasm or something. It is just that she was trying to find an excuse to feel somewhat relieved of leaving you. My opinion is to answer her something that will say how you feel but you can only accept and respect her decision and trully be there whenever she feels better. Well I kind of tell something like that to my ex. I am glad that your girlfriend said that she might leave you again at some point. I hope it works. It is good that at least she told you all these. My ex didn't tell me almost anything and that is why it made things worse. He just told me that he doesn't know how much this is going to take him and he doesn't want to keep me waiting so it is better to end it up and he just thanked me. And then asked me what is my opinion about it. I told him that of course it is not the best thing ever happened but I can only respect his decision and if he feels like wanting to be again with me he can tell me. Of course 7 months after I don't hold any hopes and my biggest regret was not telling him exactly what I felt. So I believe that it would be good to tell her how you feel. Good luck! PS and by the way, I knew that everything was over the time who change his msn picture of us to one of himself. I knew that it wasn't something that I should take it personally and never said anything about it, but it hurts to see there other people like they were the best friends ever and you meant nothing to your SO. By the way it is still too early for her, not even one month had passed and same goes for you. I can say from what I have read that in the end, the people who got "dumped" lose patience and stop waiting. It is almost 7 months for me though and I cannot see a lot of changes in myself, while I was really strong with my break ups in the past. I really hope the best for you, but the only I can advise you is to just give up. (Although it sounds so hard, it is the only good advice that I can give. I can see my mistakes, but I was very naive not to give up from the begining. I was seeing the signs, I had written all the forums but I wanted to have hope. Of course my ex didn't cut contact with me in the begining but it started gradually after 3 weeks. But he tried since he came to visit me in the other country and I guess there was my mistake. That this hold my hopes up. That if he is coming then he must want to see me and then when he sees me he will stop being like that. )

oh KayC you are totally right! I totally want to respect his wish and try to have the minimum contact but if he hears everyone talking about me and even asking him about me (without even my persmission) in the worst case scenario he might think that I made them asking or in the best he will just feel pressured himself. But in any case, when it comes to me, there are times that I am totally fine and not thinking about him intensively. Only few minutes per day. And when I talk to a common friend, even though I have told them in the past please don't mention him they seem not to understand they are causing problem? Or I don't know, do they think that I already overcome it? Who knows, each time I talk with them, they will cme with a new information about him. One had even the idea of asking me what is my opinion about a matter (totally irrelevant, like what is your opinion about religion for example) and I answered him and then he told me, yeah that is the same as your ex believes. Yeah why do I have to care about what my ex believe? Even this little mentioning made me go backwords, so I decided not to speak to them anymore, at least until I have totally move on. Luckily I am not yet on the same country as them. It is easy to avoid them because they have only online connection with me, so I can pretend that I didn't saw their messages or not having internet connection or something so no hard feelings. I really don't want to lose these people and I don't do that because I hate or something and I wish that they will be wiser and not mention him to me and me to him, but it seems that they aren't. So this is the only way for me to move on. And also, they cannot understand that by mentioning me to him, make things worse. Last but not least, I rarely speak to them about him nowadays, in order to avoid any transfer of my words, that it might even be the way I told it.

Well Fred, unlike you I gave my ex all the space he needed and of course when I asked him about our relationship 3 months after the death and after 1 month of contact once per week he broke it off as I guess it was so super pressury and selfish of me to ask him something like that. Of course I am sarcastic. But anyways, on the matter of friends, it happens to have common friends so when they tell me how are you and do you still want your ex, I cannot say lies and of course I am saying that I still have feelings for him and that I am worried about him. But the worst thing didn't come from me, but from my best friend. She wanted to see what is happening and she is in good terms with a close friend of my ex. So she told him that I am desperate and I have almost fell to depression and she even exaggerated. I don't know if this is the reason why my ex doesn't speak to me now. I didn't know about this fact until recently that she told me. Anyway, I cannot blame her, but maybe my ex found it extra pressury to still have feelings for him. Of course she told that at about July. In any case, it is not good to have common friends. Not only because of that, but I really find it hard when everyone comes and tells me his news ignoring how I feel. In the end I had to block all our common friends in order not to see what he is doing or learn his news by mistake. And some of them they were good friends of mine that I knew them before I met him. But really, I cannot do something else. It was so easy to move on before the digital age. In any case, my opinion is to do what will make you feel better. It is their problem that they feel pressured anyway. That is what I learnt. Because in the end, you know, I feel like I didn't do enough and I would have wanted to tell you what he did to me, even if it was the last time that he would have spoken to me. I am sorry for what you are going through, because I don't want other people being in my shoes, but just leave it. If someone fells into depression, it is something that s/he cannot go through it so easily and it will take more time than someone can wait. Just move on with my life. This is the advice I can give to everyone. And I think that the fact that your relationship was not settled (same goes with me) it is not always true. In this forum, there are a lot of people that had relationship for years and didn't work in the end.

Honestly KayC I cannot find any other rational solution than this. That he thinks that if he speaks to me I might got my hopes up. Because we never got on a fight and I was the person who was sending gifts every week when I was in the other country. I didn't do anything to hate me and I always saying good things to our common friends about him. So unless someone has start telling terible lies to him about me (well this is somethings happens to our culture) I cannot find any other logical explanation than this. That it isn't that he holds a grudge against me or something but since he doesn't want to delay me or anything it is better to ignore me. But still I don't get it.

Yeah I would fully understand if he cannot see me in his future, but then why he just don't delete me from his chat contacts? And also, he is not the kind of guy who doesn't speak to his exes since as mentioned he is friend with almost all of them. You don't want someone in your future if he is an enemy or if he has done something really bad to you. And I believe that you can answer to someone and let him/her know that s/he doesn't have any hopes. This goes to the point of rudeness. I really believe that hope and belief in him were the things that "killed" me. If I hadn't any hope or belief in him, I would have already broken up when the incident happen. Then I could have just blame myself because I just couldn't handle it. If he had cheated me, believe me it would have been better for me. Because he would have already shattered my illusion. I don't know, for me the good memories are very troublesome and I cannot cherish them. They can only bring me unhappiness and sadness. I have been through break ups and NEVER felt like that. I had searched inumerous forums and also read those happy ending stories. I also had the same belief back then, that people won't return to write about their happy ending story. But no, these were the things that really delayed my healing. Well as you mention KayC I just want a peaceful life. I never was the drama queen type. And since I don't want a family I will also prefer to stay away from men, at least not get serious with them. I know it is unfair to treat someone in an unfair way because someone else treated you unfair, but I cannot commit to someone. Of course I won't give false hopes or something. I am very honest to tell people lies and playing with their feelings. Sorry I might sound bitter, but I really took a lesson from it. I know that my relationship wasn't even settled. And it's not that I am so angry about him. At least I don't have shown any angriness towards him. It is me I am speaking to him and he doesn't reply. It is more like he is angry at me for no apparent reason.

Well as you might have already read my ex decided to go on antidepressants back at the middle of July. I texted him back then to see how he is going and got no answer. I also texted him one of these days since he had changed online habbits and he was like before (when he was on his grieving state he stopped being offline and forget to turn off the pc, but now he does it). So I just texted him a hi to see how he is doing and of course I got no response. I really cannot get it where this rudeness comes from towards me. I know he answers to everyone, so I really don't get it. He also is in friendly terms with his exes (except from his previous one) so I really don't get it why he doesn't answer. As for me, I don't cry over him and I have found new interests. I believe that I am doing fine, but I don't want to see men any more. Really, for me this story was just a reassurance to what I believed, don't trust noone. In the end, humans are selfish creatures. The same goes to me as well because I wanted at least to let him know all the pain he caused me. I know that this is pointless but since it is the only thing that i would like to do, I really want to do it.

Well like you CoCoa and SadMellyDelly, I don't also have anything bad to say about my guy and it almost have been 7 months after the death. What I really cannot understand or probably never understand, since I don't hold any hopes anymore is why he doesn't answer to my texts that I am sending him once in 1,5-months. If you read my post I really was thinking like you ladies and even taking pieces of advice from some psychologist friends I have. After 7 months of the incident and 3 months of not being together I came to the conclusion that everything is bull sh*t. What I learnt from this story was nothing but to never trust nobody again. Well I always had this tendency of being suspicious and it took me a lot of time to even trust this guy. But I let my guards down. In any case, I really cannot understand how a guy that says that I did him a lot of good and that he will always love me forever (and he is not a womanizer) can completely cut me off of his life and doesn't answer to any of my messages. Then why doesn't he just delete me from his chat if he has decided that he will never speak to me again. I really don't get it how he can talk with all his exes (except from his previous one who are on bad terms) and not to me, that I didn't do anything bad at him and I was trying to be patient and waiting? I mean, it isn't that I am sending him everyday or even once in a week. I sent a message 1.5 month after we break up to see how he is and one after 2 months of this message. would it be so bad to be kind? I know that he answers on chat and on texts etc so why am I only me that he doesn't answer? What I learnt from this story is that everyone cares only about himself. And in the end it is the same with me. I so much wanted to tell him what he did to me and how awful I felt but no I cannot.

No what I mean is that the girl was in love with him, so it would have been better if he wasn't trying to enforce himself of liking her more, but tell her to break it off sooner. I think it would have been very devastating for this girl. Well I don't know the girl, but what I mean is that if is something to happen, it will happen sooner or later.

well she might have already delete this message so she couldn't see it. I cannot really explain it to you, but I have a lot of friends (girls) that when they broke up after a while they wanted to be in friendly terms with their exes. I am on friendly terms with a lot of my exes but of course it hadn't ended that way. In any case, most of my friends, didn't seem to realise that they were hurting the other person by being friendly or that they were giving them hopes (or breadcrumps). I am sorry that I am sounding like that, but because I am a woman and I know a lot of women, I wouldn't have taken this message seriously. In my opinion, she just wants to be fiendly with you. she cares about you but she is not in love with you. she sent this message because 1. she wanted to deliver the letter because it might have been important to you (I would have done the same even if I hated my ex) and 2. to show you that you can be on friendly terms. If you are ready to cut contact then do it. It is true that out of sight, out of mind

it was kind of the same with me. It really is admirable how all these cases have similarities. In my case, my guy didn't make any excuses at me, but he started making excuses to our common friends for the reasons of the breaking up. I don't believe he did them due to fear of commitment though. I believe that at that time he didn't want to accept to himself that he is grieving or that he is in depression. So he needed to have an excuse in order to believe himself that he isn't losing it. That there must be a reason that he is bored of everything including me. maybe when he will be fine he will see that these were excuses. maybe not. Maybe he has convinced himself that these were the reasons. Who knows. I am sorry for all the things you are been going through though. You seem so understanding so it is kind of a pitty!

Plum I am so happy that you are doing fine and that you find a more suitable guy. But just from curiosity, don't you have any kind of contact with your ex?do you know if he is doing fine and things? It is like that, not exactly that everything happens for a reason, but it it meant to be together you would have been. if it didn't then, at some point of time, even without this incident you wouldn't have been together. And I don' t say this with any fateful beliefs or something, but I was talking recently to my previous ex which we are at friendly terms as you might know and he told me that and then by this simple sentence I realized how true he is. He told me that he was dating a girl from whom he wasn't that excited but since she was a good girl he was keeping on dating her, when he decided to leave her because he wasn't in love with her and he admited that it would have been better to have done it months before. Of course with this I don't mean that we didn't mean anything to our guys, but just if it is something to happen it will happen sooner or later, with the one or the other way. That is all.

In my opinion, the message on facebook was very typical. She found a letter and she might thought that it was important that is why she asked to forward. She doesn't seem to me that she wants to resume contact. On the other hand I believe that she doesn't want to stay on "hate" terms with you and that is why she is nice to you. But I cannot see anything else rather than a typical message

Hi and welcome! It is sad that you were added to this company! I can tell you that I understand how you feel! I was in my relationship for 2 months when my boyfriend's mother passed away. When his mom died he told me that he needs some time alone which I gave it to him of course and then he returned being "normal" for about 3 or 4 weeks. In the meantime he started being distant and like you he told me "sorry for being distant". Unlike you, even though he had became very distant towards me, I stayed there and waiting without asking for anything. He broke up with me 3,5 months after the incident. I talked to him after 1.5 month after the break up since he broke up with me and he told me that he is not ok and he was going to the psychiatrist to ask for antidepressants. I tried to contact him again to see how he is doing but he didn't answer. So that makes it 1.5 month without contact and 3 months after the break up. Of course the only advice I can give you is to move on. Of couse every person grieves differently and he might return. In my case I know that he won' t anymore. I lost every hope. I think it is for the better if you don't hope for something. In any case, since he seems to have feel into depression too, if he doesn't ask for help, that means that it will take some time for him to be able to devote again to a relationship. Are you able to wait? And then what if you wait and it was for nothing? Sorry for being so pesimist, but experience shows that seldomly these kinds of cases return to their significant others. But I am wishing you the best

GuiltHaunted it is very admirable that you can see things like that. That if someone returns to you after s/he has been with another then you are the one who wants the more (unless the other dumped him/her and feel insecurity and wants someone in his/her life). I wish I could have this way of thinking but unluckily it seems that I am selfish. While I know that he is not on the mood of having a relationship I feel so frustrated when I see a pic on FB in club with his friends and although I know he just tries to do whatever he can to feel better at the time I am saying: "Why you are so ungrateful. Go out with everyone and not answering a simple text to me?". In 3 months I am returning to my country and still I don't know what to do. I guess that if I return and sent him and don't answer to me I will let it go. I actually am at a loss. There are a lot of guys that they are asking me to go out but to me is impossible. Not because I am waiting for him, but I think it is unfair for them to start dating someone half heartedly just because I want to forget someone else. Isn't it? I hope time will heal our heart and feel better. The good thing is that I feel that time passed faster after our official break up, rather than the 3 months that I was waiting without knowing.

I think what doesn't leave us to move on easily it is the fact itself. I have been through break ups and blieve me it is the first time that I took it like that. Because in the other cases I knew that we both did mistakes (usually it is not one's fault) and at the end of the day I thought that there were reasons for breaking up. But this time it is the reason itself. As you mentioned before, it is the first time that the reason: "it is not you, it is me" is real. And really it feels real to me too. But then it is this unfairness that makes things more difficult. Yes as KayC had told me when I started writing here, why, was it fair for them to lsoe their beloved one and go through this? Of course not. But at the same time it is unfair for us. Because there is no real reason behind it. You know it would have been 1000 better to come and tell me: you know I got bored of you, I don't like you anymore or even I like other girl. At this point it might be sudden but it is just the shock and the hurt of our ego that make it difficult. But after some time you really feel better because you know that the other one didn't deserve you and you deserve better. But thinking that if the death hadn't taken place things would have been different really makes you feel like that. At least I feel like that. I cannot even blame myself for something. But at the same time how can I blame someone that he is mentally ill?

Well I totally understand you. My ex before his mom dies thought of me as a great support. He had told me that I was the only reason that he could stand this and that even before we start oficially dating he was waiting for the time to talk with me because this was the highlight of his day. Judging by what our common friends have told me and by the fact that he likes one girl in five years or something like that, I don't have any reason to believe that he was lying to me. But for me the problem I think it was the relationship itself because we were only two months together before the incident. I totally understand that if I were in his shoes and got depression I wouldn't want the other one to be with me because I would have feel as an extra burden to him. I was also the one who had told him that it might be unfair for him to keep on ahving a long distance relationship because I wasn't there. But he was the one who wanted to continue. Also, there were two times before the death that he told me that he didn't want to talk with me because he was feeling down. This was probabaly an indicator of what was going to happen after the death. But then it comes the hard part that I cannot even understand myself although I try to put myself in their shoes. I accept the fact that they don't want a relationship with anyone (not particularly with me) because they don't have the energy to devote and maybe they would feel that it is undair towards us. (I remember when my ex broke up with me he told me: "but if I have an apathy towards everything and towards you, isn't this really unfair"? My ex used to say that he wanted to make me happy. So I guess he realised that he cannot). (read here answers by people under depression and what they are thinking of having a relationship http://m.qfak.com/health/mental_health/?id=1384009 I really can't accept this part, but why not talking to us like they are talking to their friends? I really cannot understand how it works but it seems that this is the case either if they were other issues behind the breaking off or not, either they returned back at the end or not. They didn't have any contact in the between but I really find it hard to find the reason.

GuiltHaunted, you say that there wasn't any sexual relationship before. But yes I agree there wasn't. But is this enough? For me it is worse the fact that he started have romantic feelings towards him than just having sex with him. And as a girl who have a lot of girl friends, I know a lot of girls who are like that. They find the next relationship before they break up with the previous and they never return to the previous. Sometimes they are very unkind to them to the point of hating them (yes I know 3 girls like that). Maybe your girlfriend falls into this category and it is good that at least you learn it now with the good or hte bad way. I know that it is easier said than done, but why do you want a girl that he chose another guy to support her instead of you? If it is just for revenge ok I can accept it but nothing more than that. Grief is grief but if she feels better when he is around him for me grief is not related

Well KayC I agree. Yes I know it is selfish, but I don't find anything wrong on being selfish in this way. It is true that for my other exes I am wishing them the best. To have a girl and be really happy with her. Of course I am wishing the best to this ex but not when it comes to a relationship with another girl. Why? Weren't I enough? At the end of the day he didn't even "try" me to see if I was adequate or not because we were only a few months together. And I am narcisist and so I don't see any reason for choosing other girlfriend. And although I know that it sounds harsh and maybe pathetic, I would prefer to stay alone for his rest of his life than choosing another girl instead of me, while he knows that I am still there for him. That is why the finding another case scenario would be led to totally hate from my part.

The fact that she thinks that you changed 180 degrees remind me of my ex, who went and tell to a common friend that in the begining he was really in love with me but then he realised that I was immature. Of course I don't care about his wrong judgement, neither I can take something been said under depression seriously, but it is also the same for me. I didn't change anything in my behaviour towards him. I told him a thousand time that I am there to listen to him and how coincidential can it be that he realised that after the death? Like one day before the death he was totally in love with me and sent me presents and one day after he start became distant. Both the "180 degrees" and my "immaturity" lead to the conclusion that they cannot make right judgements at the time. That is why usually counselors told them to avid taking serious decisions during the first year. But no matter how irrational their decision is, we cannot change their mind or trying to convinve them that it is the other way. But to me, finding another girl would have been the end and it would might even be easier for me because at the end of the day I would have an excuse to move on. Of course people's ego and the feeling of rejection always lead us to overreact and always believe that we lost something precious and that we cannot be happy again if this something doesn't return back. And od course it hurts more to know that you don't have control over a situation. Well it is only natural. Read this article, I found it interesting enough. It says that getting over a break up is like trying to get over cocaine addiction http://adoreedurayappah.com/category/rejection-blog/

Hi Helena! Nice to see you again. I am sorry that you ot to feel again like this. I hope it is temporary and I hope everything go well with the moving. Well I know that it is hard to say, but your ex gave you an explanation on his letter. Mine too. I mean they told us that they are breaking it off because they need to be selfish and focus on themselves. Yes of course it is frustrating and unjustified but at least they did it. They cannot tell if the break up is forever or temporarily because they don't know themselves. Yes I know that if my ex had told me please wait for me, even if it was for one year or more I would have waited. But try to be a little in his shoes (ok I know this is the hardest of all) but if I was feeling that bad and for some reason I couldn't give any more to the relationship, wouldn't be unfair to the other to wait? I don't hold any realistic hopes of getting back with my ex (although hope is the last thing dies), but I cannot either be mad at him that he lost his mind and got depression. Depression is not only a psychological state but at some point makes a reaction to your brain. But of course we cannot wait when and if their depression gets over. And even if its over noone guarantee that they will seek us. So at this point we should just move forward and if it is to happen it will happen. And no I don't mean it with any way regarding to fate, as we are the one that we define our fate, but if our love was strong and their love was strong enough for us, then they will seek us, otherwise it wasn't meant to be and we would have break up at some point later, or this is how I am thinking.