boogieman

Thank you Kayc. While I was away my granddaughter admonished me several times for my eating schedule and habits. "You can't loose weight eating like that". I am 68 and eat what I want when I want. I'm too old to worry about that sort of thing. An occasional smoothie sounds great but fruit will spoil before I get around to eating it. Plus, I have lost most of my taste sensation so not much tastes good either. Being alone is unnatural. We are made to "belong" to another for all the obvious reasons. Not the least of which is a longer lifespan. I know me fairly well and tend to fall into old habits and traits without My Paula "to keep me on my toes" in a manner of speaking. I was much more happy and comfortable being half of a couple. I need to be needed. It brings out the best of me. How long after George passed before you realized you were indeed alone, and how long before you became accepting of your new life? These are all new sensations/revelations/adjustments to me as I grope my way through this maze of confusion and conflicting scenarios. Do you ever feel any "guilt" about your "new life" without George? Is there a lingering resentment over his being taken from you? I only ask these intrusions into your personal life as you are someone I tend to trust. I mean nothing derogatory nor do I wish to "open old wounds" should they be too personal. You may PM me if you so choose.

As you well know, there are cycles that come and go during stages of grief. Some days, even hours between emotional highs and lows, emotions ebb and flow. At least this has been my experience. Down then up, or up and then suddenly down. This applies to my appetite also. Hungry then not hungry. Buy or prepare something to eat then not want it or anything. So I eat when I get hungry which is very seldom, maybe once a day. Then nothing of any substance is enough. Pop tarts, one corny dog, half a sandwich, a couple of pancakes, a bowl of cereal or soup, etc. As for not sleeping, that is fairly consistent day-in and day-out. Although there are yet several sleepless nights every month or so. The sadness and loneliness bears heavily those nights. Another cycle I am dealing with now is the sensation of becoming a singular person again, not a couple as with My Love. There seems to be no balance or counter-balance without her. Some days I can accept this, reluctantly. Others, I feel very depressed at being so alone and lonely. It comes and goes as it will. I begrudgingly accept that I have a life of my own to be lived somehow, then the crash comes as I feel so guilty that that life does not include or revolve around My Love with whom I shared the majority of my past life with. This new life as a single person is so foreign and somehow uncomfortable as it has been thrust upon me against my wishes and desires. Most certainly not of my choosing as I struggle with the concept of being without My Love. Finding a new identity separate from and independent of My Love is so foreign to me. It is scary to have to start over when all I ever wanted was My Love. Where to begin, how to proceed, what direction to take. So my personal emotional roller-coaster careens ever onward taking me to places new, strange, foreign, uncomfortable, and scary. A journey of rediscovery I never wanted to take.

Appreciate the concern. The trip north was a birthday/fathers day gift from our daughter. And I wanted to go see the new great grand daughter too, now 8 weeks old. Number 9 for us now! While there I was caught-up in the summer time activities and families, Lots to do especially with 24 hours of sunlight for several days. Unique to be able to be outside at 2 to 4am in sunlight. People out mowing yards, washing cars, kids playing, even grilling out. My mental attitude was a big positive too. For the first time I was comfortable being without My Love. Always aware of her not being there but manageable for me. A long and slow process for sure. I don't consider my weight loss extreme. 10#s in 30 days is not such a big deal, is it? And now 130# in 39 months total. Food is terribly expensive there and I was busy doing other things. Eating not a priority. I intend to get down to 200 or less again someday. As long as I can navigate around and feel acceptably well I see no harm. I'm liking the look of a slimmer me. I'm at 215# now. I was not aware that no cost options were available, Marty. I have a chance to go to England soon if I can get some finances in order. I want to go there. I need to go there. I have been invited by a very nice lady I met here on this forum some time ago. Maybe soon that will come to pass. So life goes on despite my reluctance to participate fully. I still feel a devotion and dedication to My Love, just as she does to her late husband.

Greetings again my fellow survivors. Had this feeling I needed to touch base again. In an attempt to try to "live" again, I was able to spend 30 glorious days with 2 of our grand children and 4 of our great-grandchildren in Anchorage, Alaska. The entire month of July as a matter of fact. Saw some spectacular vistas and did some amazing things. Now back home I have fallen back into my old patterns of staying up most all night every night, sleeping until late morning or early afternoon daily, and having nothing to do until going back to bed before sundown to lay awake alone in agony all night again. The euphoria of being with family lasted only as long as I was with family. Now alone again I see exactly how lonely my life was and still is, without My Love beside me. This month, on the 16th, marks the 40th month of her passing. and it fills me completely with sadness yet again. In a side note I am still not eating as I have no appetite and have lost yet another 10 #s in the last month, even while on vacation. Down to 215#, none of my clothes fit again. Time to waste even more money on clothes I have no desire to buy as I have no desire to go anywhere to be seen in them. The "stigma" of feeling so blatantly sad and alone is, to me, glaringly obvious to everyone. I don't want to be seen that way but feel that way just the same. Perhaps that is what I project but have no choice as that is exactly how I feel constantly. Although I was able to set aside theses deep seated feelings to a degree while on vacation, the grief was patiently waiting for my return, right where I left it. My mother, 86, passed away this past April 19, the date of My Love's memorial service 36 months prior. As it has been said, "Dates that will live in infamy", my memory anyway. Not being a wealthy man I can't afford professional help. My Medicare will not cover the costs and the Hospice support has long been withdrawn, not to mention the cost of medications, leaving me no recourse but to face matters alone. So another long hot summer remains, and I remain also.

Greetings. I haven't been on-site for quite some time now. This week is the 37 month anniversary of MY Paula's passing. I am and have been in a deep, deep, depression since the 13th. Spending 22 hours a day in bed is a great escape and hideaway from the horror of sadness and loneliness I face daily. I find the effort to face and interact with the cold uncaring world impossible to bear. I realize I am becoming a recluse and isolationist more each lonely passing day. Unless forced to do so I don't leave our house, ever. Chain smoking cigarettes, my life has devolved to less than nothing. Even considering paying for home delivery of groceries so I do not have to leave here. Not a big deal as I spend less than $100/month on food anyway. But then what does it matter either way. Maybe not the best solution but my solution just the same. My relationship with My Love has passed but I find myself still passionately in love with the love of my life. And will always be so. My life without her is so much less than I could ever anticipate or expect. And it deepens and worsens daily. Clinging desperately to the past with My Love is all I have left.

Thank you Ladies. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is enough for a moment. Had I any control over anything I might see things differently, but I have little. Congrats KayC on the grandchild. Praying for you all. And I have yet to even consider taking my wedding ring off. Never will do that. Can't. I am a great-grandfather 4 times over now. Never see any of them. One is in Charleston, WVa, one in Anchorage, Alaska, two in Dayton, Ohio.

I would have never believed this possible before having been forced into it. I know I am far from the first or last but this story and journey are mine alone. It has been several months since contact with our daughter. No idea why. Over 3 weeks since contact with our older son. A major storm with 80mph winds blew down a 30' tall tree in the front yard 3 weeks ago. Oldest son and grandchildren came to my rescue to clean up the disaster. As they would not take payment in return I offered to take them all out for a meal. No reply in that regard. Not a single word. Youngest sends an occasional cryptic one line text when convenient. Nothing regularly. I understand they are busy. Everyone but me is. I have stayed in contact with my Mother at least weekly for well over 30 years. I was very busy too but managed to maintain contact. I have hinted, suggested, asked our children to do the same for me. Nothing in return. Being busy is no excuse. At least one I am unable to accept. Besides having to go back to work, I am gathering a lifetimes collection of rare auto parts to sell while I am able. I need the money. So sad. Thinking of selling our car but would then be forced into complete dependency on my truck alone. If the truck goes down I'm stranded. What to do. Life is hard enough without having to consider all the ramification of every aspect of change. What was once easily decided is now a major issue at every turn. And today is the 18 month date of My Love's Memorial service. I suppose I will get through this too but have no idea how or why. I need to let some of this go but it will not let me go

!8 months and counting. Still almost unbearable grief, sadness, and loneliness. Situation slowly grinding on and changing, not always for the better. I end every month on the verge of being broke financially. Have been forced back into the work-place just to make ends meet. Joined my friend in the construction business. I am helping him build a tree house for a family now. And other home repair and building projects to come. At 66 this is very hard on me but having no other choice I work again. Certainly no way to spend my "golden years", whatever that may mean. Being alone and so very lonely I suppose I should be grateful for something to fill the long hours. And I am, but dealing with this continuing deep grief and now the physical exertion is taking a double toll on me. Ironically, I hope the strain is an avenue to being with My Love sooner than later. Have basically lost all contact with our children. No contact from them. I reach-out and get little or no reply. Grief has changed me into someone I don't like. Had I the choice I wouldn't want to be around me either. Hard if not impossible to be relegated to the sidelines of life, the back of the crowd, watching as the grand parade marches by oblivious to my continuing pain and suffering. But then, who cares?

17 months today. I had so hoped that my situation would have improved by now. Not so. I am slowly learning to cope and adjust but still not the same, or enough. The pain is there constantly although I have learned to internalize it . This is a nasty business, hiding away from the world, family, and friends, who simply do not understand or accept. So I soldier on, like the other untold multitudes, in sadness, sorrow, and abject loneliness. Never in my darkest moments did I envision such a fate. Scratching and clawing so desperately to barely survive. But this is my lot. I must face it. So completely and totally alone and lonely.

Thank you Mary. I understand the mechanics of this. Acceptance is another matter entirely. Acceptance of "secondary" implies acknowledgement of "primary". Haven't even gotten through the initial stages yet. Not being interested in or stimulated by anything so far I find I am doing nothing. That is hard too, but lacking the will or desire to do anything I see this as a small victory. I am still here to do nothing. An example. I was reconnecting with our son in Mass. Making progress even. When the situation turned to one of money, or my truck be given to him/them, they turned on me and I was told to not come up there to visit. Needless to say I was/am devastated anew. I had planned to go in July after my dental work. I even chose to miss the last 2 weeks of school to go. All to no avail. Turned away yet again. Rhetorically, how much is one expected to endure while seeking peace and resolution?

Not doing well at all. Up all night of the 15th-16th. Up until 4am this morning. awake at 8am. The crushing loneliness is unbearable. No where to go to get away from it. Temporary diversions are just that, temporary. 16 months and still no easing of the agony. If anything it is increasing.

The only why I ask is why not me?

Ironic for me that near the darkest hour of my life I see this post on NDE's. I experienced one myself in 1967. Car wreck. Pronounced DOA twice en route to the hospital. Once again during surgery. I was sent back. Oh how I wish I could have been allowed to stay.

Sitting here all alone as the appointed hour for My Love quickly approaches, 3am exactly. Hard to imaging 16 months have gone by, except that 16 months of agony is an eternity. The isolation, sadness, and sorrow my only constant companions. Like it or not this is what I have been reduced to.

Today marks the 15 month date of My Love's passing. Yet another hard day in a succession of hard days.

I did get to speak to our children so no need to write. A good idea though given different circumstances.

So many days that have significant meanings for us. I have no plans for Fathers Day. That depends on our children. My sympathies to you KayC.

I wasn't going to bother anyone but today is the 13th, the 14 month date of having to admit My Paula into the hospital. I just wanted to talk to someone as I am so alone.

Thank you all.

My birthday today and having a decent one. Heard from our daughter and got new pics of that great-grandson. Out for dinner with MIL and SIL. Dinner with my mother and one brother tomorrow. For my birthday My Love gave me some peace. Love you too My Dear. Nothing of any importance, I just wanted to talk to someone.

Thank you Scuppy. As this is still a day-to-day endeavor I never know, but hold on to what today brings. Reconciliation and being of assistance to our son is enough for now. Thank you for your support and kind words.

Great news. Not only am I in contact with our youngest son, he has asked for my help with a situation. I can help him. In three of the four last days My Paula has made the effort to and contacted me. Not only heart-warming but I get a real sense of peace and serenity through our contact. Exactly that for which I have been searching. I also consider this as tacit approval of the direction I am ever so slowly inching towards. Not exactly sure where it will lead but willing to find out with My Loves support and understanding.

Heidi, so very few of us have the opportunity to connect so completely and totally with another. It is that comfort and ease of life together that makes the parting so very traumatic and life changing. Our lives are changed for the better together and utterly destroyed when parted. It is well known that some of us never recover from that loss, including you and I. My Paula and I met in '74. Together in '78. Married in '79. Both of us being older, I was 30, My Paula was 25. We each came from broken marriages to find in each other that which we so longed for, together. We found that and nurtured and cherished that love for 35 years. It was not enough time. Only eternity will provide the time needed to share and explore the wonder of what we have. I long for and relish any and all avenues that will re-unite me and My Love. Nothing else matters at all. Every aspect of this existence merely a holding cell in hell while awaiting the pardon needed to be with My Paula again. If the eyes are the window to the soul, our pain must be plain to see for those willing to look inside of us. Some of us know all too well what that looks like from the inside. Like you, I see the world through tired, lonely, frightened eyes. The future dark and foreboding at best. The trick, for me, is how do I in cooperate that perspective into the daily grind of sadness and loneliness. Not very successfully so far is the best I can do at present. I try to balance the past with the now. There is no bright future to consider alone, sad, and lonely. We are exclusive members of a fellowship of survivors that none of us want to be a part of, yet here we are. Unwilling participants in the aftermath of the devastation brought-on by the loss of the greatest gift ever bestowed upon us. That being the total commitment to and from another person, the love of our lives. What life exists outside of that?

From Dallas to central Ma. is about 2,500 miles. As the train goes about 3,000 miles and 48 hours. The gubment here has made flying too restrictive except for those who must. I'm not one of those willing to suffer the indignities. Taking the train as that is one of the retirement travels My Paula and I talked of doing.

Morning Fae. I guess I'm still in the darkest of places. I hesitate to make decisions for fear of making the wrong one or a bad one. I can honestly see myself in the same place for a long time to come. My grief has become bearable not through relief but from familiarity. Right now the best I can do is manage around it. Whatever results from that is what I get. Our youngest son has invited me to Mass. for a visit. I want to go but am hesitant to leave the house. Here I am comfortable and have a routine that protects me. On the trip there, while there, and on the return, I don't have that sphere of familiarity. Since the summer of 2010 when My Loves medical issues first appeared, until now, the unknown has beaten me down. I have lost that spirit of adventure and ability to face the unknown with bold bravado. "Gun shy" is the best I can describe this feeling of complete lack of control. I haven't the foggiest idea what to do to help myself and really don't care either. I have come to a place of stale-mate where my sad lonely life and attitude is precariously balanced against the uncertainty of a future. From this position I can manage to balance what existence I have. Not willing to risk loosing that balance, as tenuous as it is, is my comfort zone. I long for the person I once was and the boldness with which he faced every challenge. When My Paula passed, that person passed too. My Love was my reason for being, for doing, for challenging, for boldly facing the vagaries of life. Alone, those qualities are non-existent. I accept this state as I know what even one set-back can lead to. I have been there and it isn't pretty. I do appreciate you concern and support. Perhaps someday I may be able to see over the rim, too.