boogieman

Once again, Thank you Ladies. I do appreciate your insights and encouragements, and eloquent words.. Maybe there is an issue of time here that I can not yet discern. Most have been at this task much longer than I. Perhaps your perspective has finally, somehow, changed from "the present" into a longer view. Right now, in my "present", I can't afford the luxury of even considering the long view. Efforts to not focus on My Paula bring more pain as I come to realize that not focusing on My Love, as I did for over 35 years, is time spent away from her, and yes, even her memory. I cling desperately to what I have left out of a desire to remain as close as possible to My Love. Time can not diminish that love but it certainly diminishes the quality of life for those of us who exchanged and shared all aspects of love so completely and totally. I know the world will go on with or without me. I matter not for much in any situation. Forgive me if I can't, won't, or don't see from your perspective. The immediacy of need, the all consuming desire to be united with My Love, is too powerful. I have learned, up to a point, how to manage and adjust to this living hell, and will continue to do so. That fact in no sense changes my personal need, my sense of urgency, to be together right now with My Paula. She needs me. I need her. My personal continuing pain is inconsequential. All that matters is being with her. I consider the love we shared and the complete bliss, comfort, and serenity there-in continually. Our love continues despite the abyss between us. I am not entirely sure the mental aspect of love is enough to overcome the longing, hope, and desire to be in each others presence. So the struggle continues. There is a healing here but also a constant reminder of the totality of what has been taken. I have yet to be able to balance the two diametrically opposed aspects and get to the place where a satisfactory compromise , a balance, can be attained. Maybe I never will. The jury is still out in that regard. Outwardly I appear to be gaining ground in this area if for no other reason than to be able to function. Inside I am still in turmoil and constant pain and agony, defeated internally from missing so greatly the physical bonds we so eagerly and openly shared. In my limited mind, no amount of ritualization, wanting, or remembering, can replace the deep seated desire to be with My Love. Your eloquent words contain and convey your truths quite well. For some of us, the prospects of hope are yet outweighed by our grim reality. The reality of a sad, lonely existence without the ones we love and hold so dear. A long weekend and holiday is upon us. I hope everyone has a safe and pleasant time. As most will be away from this forum, I hope to be able to manage until next week. Chris

Morning Ladies. Lots has transpired in the last several days. It has now been 3 days since the 13 month Memorial Service for My Paula. My thoughts are almost exactly the same now as then. Complete lack of understanding as to how to go on alone. I have tried prayer, light meditation, distractions, writing daily, keeping busy, etc., and I still come back to the face the reality of not wanting to continue on alone. It is not just a matter of my deep grief, turmoil, and pain. I can learn to deal with and adjust to that. It is an extremely deep-seated desire to be with My Paula where we were both so very happy and secure in each other. That sense of security and belonging is gone for all intent and purposes. Yes I carry her in my heart constantly but that is not enough. I need to be in her immediate presence. To touch, and see her, to experience the all consuming love pouring out of her for me, and mine for her. To be able to share, directly, face to face, the wonders of such a life changing and love affirming relationship. My Paula said several times "You will find someone better and get remarried someday". I could never even consider the prospects of replacing My Love with another. There are no betters. Preposterous at best but My Paula's means of testing me. I would never diminish the love and passion I feel for her by looking to another for consolation. I did that once and learned the lesson quite well. Ours' is a once-in-a-lifetime affair that can never be equaled much less replaced. My life is directly connected to My Paula's. Without her I am nothing. For almost a year I panicked every time the phone rang for fear that I would not answer the phone before the answering machine activated with My Loves' voice there. Now, more often than not, I allow it to do its thing just so I can hear the sweetness of My Loves' voice. What other choice do I have? It is that or memories, and memories fade. I choose to not work on grief as, for me, the effort increases the distance between me and My Love. I choose to not do anything to intentionally distance My Paula from me. The gulf is too wide already. Keeping hold of the pain is my manner of keeping My Love in the present as badly as that hurts. It is a small price to pay for the love I received from her. Relieving my pain in no way lessens my deep seated longing for My Love. So I plod on alone and in pain. This is real. This is what I have without My Love here to guide and comfort me. I accept it gladly. I think of little else but being with My Love. There is no better place for me than with her. Certainly not here alone. We belong together. I recently watched the movie of Johnny Cash's life. I did not know that he and June were married for 35 years. She passed away in 2011. He passed away only 4 months later. My immediate thoughts were "how lucky was he" to be able to rejoin his love so quickly. I envy him that. I want that. I need that. Maybe my experience is different than others. I have no way of knowing other than my experience. I openly pour my heart out here to express my honest feelings. My Paula was and is my entire world. I am even more assured, confident, and comfortable, knowing, believing, that I belong with her, not here alone, sad, and so very uncomfortable in my own skin, over my head in a completely un-acceptable circumstance. One that shows little promise of improving. I have nothing to prove or gain by hanging on so tenaciously to an agonizingly sad and lonely life when I can easily join My Love and solve all the issues I struggle with. I appreciate all the support, suggestions, and understanding. I try to incorporate them in my daily existence but so far not much has improved my lot. I am still hopelessly, passionately, in love with My Paula and miss her more than I can bear. I need to be with her. I desperately seek the means of my transition to My Love, my salvation. Some of us can not, will not, ever accept the cruelty and loss thrust upon us. Nor will some of us ever learn to "adjust" when we choose to not do so. Chris

Today is the 19th. The 13 month date of My Paula's' Memorial Service. I had hoped to be better able to cope, but this week has been very difficult again. Not as acute as in the first few months, but disturbing and distressing just the same. Headache all day, stressed, tension, blood pressure dropped to the low 100's over low 60's'. Anxious about everything, I am unable to do anything but hang on. Another wasted day. A sense of impending doom and a crushing weight fallen over me. I wander around the house looking for My Paula. All I see are heart-wrenching reminders of My Love and our life once so enjoyed.. At this rate I extrapolate that I might be able to withstand the onslaught never.

Thank you all ladies. I am sure my condition is stress related. If I am lucky it will not pass and I can be with My Love soon. I do enjoy sitting on the patio where My Paula and I spent so many wonderful hours together. I drink a berry flavored green tea regularly. So apparently I am destined to "live" alone in what some say passes for "life". I do wish it were not so.

Sorry for your loss, KCinko. I lost My Paula just 13 months ago today. The pain is still unbearable but here I am. Each of us processes our loss at our own pace and time. You deal with it as you feel the need, especially the financial issues. As surviving spouses we have to look out for ourselves. Be it ever so slowly we do " get better" with time. Learning to adjust is very difficult but doable. In the mean time you "melt down" as often as you need, scream, cry, fall apart, or whatever you need to do. We all understand so very completely. Chris

Today is the 16th. I had hoped and prayed to not wake up this morning. No such luck. 13 months since My Love passed. Stressed terribly this morning. Headache, chest tight and hurting, hands trembling, no energy or strength. The usual heartache, sadness, and loneliness. They have become my constant companions.

Wonderful story. Glad it turned out the way it did. My Paula has been gone almost 13 months. I do not wear her wedding sets but do wear a "Live, Love, Laugh" pendant I gave her in 1980, her favorite one, on a chain she gave me in 1980 . We gifted these to each other for Christmas I completely agree with "Until death do us part". In my world I am still married to My Paula and she to me. As long as I am alive I am married to My Love. There can never be another. Your story proves my point. Chris

Yes indeed. My Paula is nothing short of wonderful. I understand standard procedure but originals? Happy Mothers' Day to all.

Thank you Mary. I do have a Physicians Directive, a Medical Power of Attorney, a Legal Power of Attorney, a DNR directive, a Financial Power of Attorney, a Living Will, and a General Power of Attorney. These documents transfer all my legal and financial rights to my executor. I had to provide My Paula's Physicians Directive to the Oncologist, the hospital, and to Hospice for the care of My Paula. There was never a question regarding the validity of the documents. My Paula saw to it that everything was made as easy as possible for me in that time of unbearable stress. There was some resistance from credit card companies and the cable service provider. They required a copy of the Death Certificate to change name designation on accounts, or to close accounts. One of these bastards even required an original, not a copy, "just to make sure". Surprisingly, dealing with the federal and state governments regarding Social Security Benefits and Unemployment Benefits was easy by comparison. In the final outcome every issue was addressed and settled due to the foresight of My Love and her attention to details. Our son and daughter both have a notarized copy of my End of Life documents. All of my documents are under lock and key in a 2,000* fire-proof box. I would have another set in a safe deposit box at the Credit Union but they do not have a vault or safe. Is there any wonder why I love her so? Thinking of me until the very end. Love you Dear. Thank you, My Love.

I have carefully, explicitly, left all my possessions to all three of our children, or their descendants if applicable, in equally divided 1/3 proportions. Any disputed items to be either sold and the monies split, or a determined value assigned and handled in the same 1/3 proportions, or any one child may "buy-out" the other two on disputed items if they so desire. A few very personal items I have pre-assigned to particular family members by my choice. They are listed on a separate addendum sheet and numbered and notarized so as to not be replaced or my wishes circumvented. Our oldest son, Greg, is the executor and I trust him implicitly to carry out my wishes. I have gone to great lengths to ensure that no one child, or their families, benefit significantly more than the other two. The ring in question, and My Loves two wedding sets, go to our grand-daughters or great-grand-daughters as they rightfully and traditionally should. My Paula, being a pare-legal, covered all the bases with her will and attending documents. I simply expanded upon that same premise for my use. I have had them checked and am quite sure they are valid and legal. I did this to hopefully minimize any issues between the three of them. If any one feels slighted they can blame me. I have personally witnessed several family wars and attending court cases over the settlement of "stuff". In one instance barely even a few thousand dollars worth. I will have no part in that and so I spare my children of the potential derision in that regard. All that being said, I find comfort in addressing the final resolution of our meager estate. I hope and pray that the need for these documents and directives is not long in coming. I have done all that I can for our precious children. Perhaps they will think kindly of me.

Brittney I did read all your postings. I wish I had wisdom and insights to help you cope with your tragic situation. In my case, when my Daddy passed away after a lengthy illness, my 3 brothers and I ( I am the oldest) joined forces to help Mother any way possible. It was a long process but finally all the issues were addressed and settled. My Mother divided my dads personal affects into 4 simi-equal parts for the 4 of us based on each brothers personal relationship to Dad. Almost a year later Mother made us gather to settle these items. Come to find out, not one of us was willing to take any one single item for fear that one of the other brothers might want that item. Always at odds as brothers are, we came together out of respect for Daddy and my Mother. So you see, all families are different. Ours is the exception to the rule as I know first-hand from extended family experiences how volitile and mean families can be. I am so sorry for you and that which you deal with. In My Paulas' case, I have yet not been able to address any of her personal affects as the pain is too great. Not a word has been said except from my MIL who wants a ring My Love inhereted from her grand-mother. MIL and her sister fought bitterly over the meager estate, with the sister and her family taking the majority of the possessions. MIL wanted the ring bequethed to My Paula and tried to get it through me. Seems my MIL wants the ring to add to her jewelry collection that was passed to My Paula. I told her that if and when I addressed My Paulas things I would consider it. My Paula was a para-legal and well versed in the law and estates. She wrote-up MIL's will and handled all of the legal matters. We were married for 35 years. MIL ammended her will for the remaining family. I know for a fact that not one single item, not one red cent of her estate will pass to me, or our three children, or our 5 grand-children, of three, soon to be four, great-grandchildren. I fail to see how such a cold hearted attitude can exist. As for me, I want nothing. But for her to exclude My Paulas family I find disrespectful and dismissive. Apparently our 35 years of raising a family and caring for each other amounts to nothing in her eyes. We all have baggage to tote around and crosses to bear. Some more than others. As a young head-strong man I had issues with my Daddy. I was going to show him what-for! So I did not speak to him for several years as I established myself. fFrtunately I real;ized the huge error I made and we re-connected before his stress related medical issues arose. Second best decision I ever made after asking My Paula to join me on lifes' journey. Bob, her first husband was a small, cheap, petty, callous, lazy man. I was best man in their wedding. My Paula and my first wife were friends. I married the first time on the rebound, wife#1 married to escape her domineering mother. My Paula married husband #1 to placate her mother. Bob married My Paula out of convenience. He became physically abusive and played-around. My first was indifferent to any responsibality, including me. I asked My Paula to join me as I was leaving my abusive marriage as My Paula was filing for divorce too. Never looking back we set out on our own together. I add this background to show that we all have skeletons in our closets. How we deal with the sometimes cruelty and indifference most of us face, speaks volumns about character. In that vein I have been trying to re-establish contact with our estranged son. I got an email this afternoon from his wife indicating that he may be ready to contact me. I am very cautiously optimistic. I hope someday to have the respect from him that you so elequently express for your Daddy. Thank you for holding out the hope of that possibility for me In this regard, I want what you have with your dad. Maybe it is not too late for us.

Sitting here lonely as the rain falls. A most unusual day here in Texas this time of year. It makes me miss My Love even more as we enjoyed these cooler quieter rainy days together. Heidi, even carefully chosen words can not hide the true depth of our loss, pain, and uncertainty about a future alone. All to often the emotions pour out in un-intentioned ways. Meanings and intents become jumbled when trying to cope with the enormity of loss. Words fail. I found out that understanding and compassion here is a quality to be accepted and appreciated. Through my long struggle I have inadvertently stepped on toes too, only to be forgiven those missteps. Thinking of Brittney's post I find myself lacking regarding our children. I would love to have our estranged son think of me with such understanding, acceptance, and compassion. That is not the case despite continued efforts on my part to re-establish some sort of line of communication with him. We both lose in this regard. I can not make him do anything against his will. I committed a grievous error and he has yet to forgive me. Possibly never will. I have to live with that, too. As caregivers we all see in hindsight things we feel now we could have done better or differently then. I have to live with those shortcomings too. We all do. Like our son mentioned above, some things may be forever unforgivable. Another burden to carry through a sad, lonely existence. Self recriminations are hard, if not impossible, to cope with. Knowing we did our best under extreme duress certainly does not diminish the impact of decisions made then. Each of has hundreds, if not thousands, of moments to have to come to terms with. Decisions made under the worst possible circumstances of stress imaginable, especially when facing the passing of the "love of our lives". Personally, I did my best, but now see the errors in my distorted thought processes. All to be second-guessed and even regretted as in my situation. To acknowledge these short-comings is to admit to being all too human and fallible. How can I expect forgiveness from others when I can not forgive myself? My only hope is for grace to be extended to me by those I have so grievously injured and failed. Baring that there is no hope.

So much has transpired since my last post this morning. I don't know where to begin to address all the comments made. I am stumbling through the aftermath the best I can. Ever so often a single moment stands out above the fugue. The majority of the rest I somehow get through without even being aware of doing so. I find this troubling. I don't plan to do or not to do much. I let things happen as they will. Not the best method of managing this life but to do more requires focus and forethought I just can't manage to muster. I guess each of us must do whatever to cope. Despite encouraging words I do not feel that I have progressed much at all. I do not have the advantage of "distance" you have. This all still so very up-close and personal that I can't see beyond my own limitations. The pain, agony, loneliness, uncertainty, and all the rest, my constant companions. I know My Paula wants better for me. I also know My Love understands why I am the way that I am. Were I able to overcome this I am not sure I would, either. I stated very early on that as long as I "stayed close" to My Paula I could learn to adjust. As time has dragged on I sense a "distance" between us. Perhaps this is "healing". I certainly don't know. It is the sensation of time seperating us from each other. But a real seperation none-the-less. I still love My Paula passionately but miss her so very terribly, constantly. I need to be able to hold her, kiss her, touch her, walk hand-in-hand with her, snuggle with her, all the personal displays of affection we so easily and comfortably shared and expressed. Being denied these simple things is agony. "Unrequited Love" in its purest form. I struggle greatly having no outlet for the simple pleasures we exchanged. At present I would choose to live in this agony if the choice was to be even further removed from My Love. I suppose that "impatience" best describes my source of anxiety and longing. Impatient to resume the contact we shared. My Love is "pleased" at my doting and fawning over and about her. She thoroughly enjoyed the attention and I thrived on giving that to her. My Love deserved every bit of it and much more. I am so very proud of My Love for allowing me to be with her. Thank you all again for your kind words of support. Special thanks to Brittney ( one of our grand-daughters names - I call our Brittney "Peanut")1289 for the poignant post. Sorry for the loss of your Dad. I am sure he is a wonderful man. Praying for you too Fae. Jan, if you need, ask that "gentleman" to leave. Same for you Heidi. Mary, KayC, right on the money as usual. So off to bed to miss My Love another night.

With all due respect Fae, I might disagree with your assessment that "I have come a long way". Having been forced to manage to eke-out a meager existence by not fully exposing the tremendous pressure, grief, sadness, and loneliness that engulfs me, is a shield around my heart to try to hide from the overwhelming effects of this lonely life. Externally I try to put on a brave face, but inside I am still the same sad lonely grief-ridden insecure lost broken soul I became on April 16th, 2013. If making outward concessions and adjustments is a measure of being better then I suppose you are correct. What really matters is how I/we are internally. In my case, the face shown to the world is merely a mask hiding the devistation and destruction so dominant in my real life, the only one that matters to me. I wish it were not so and merely a role I play for others to see. In order to function, this duality is the only means I have of interacting with others. It is so tiring and stressful leading two seperate personas all the time. My true devistation is too intense for others to see so I hide it and internalize it to not be a burden and source of discomfort and uneasiness to those few willing to be around me. I wish it were not so but must accept this duplicitous version of myself. I am only fooling myself but getting better at it by necessity. Hoorah for me. I do appreciate your support and concern. For what is worth, I do not mind at all sharing my blog with Heidi. If this place is comfortable for her I have no objections with sharing openly with her. It is the least I can do if my story helps her or others.

Thank you all for your comments. Was my pleasure to share the magic and wonder of the event. Ironically, last night I was plagued by horrible nightmares that prevented me from sleeping. Frightening images tormenting me. Finally after 4am I fell asleep from exhaustion and slept, not rested, until 10am. Now the day is shot. Despite the events of Sunday there is always a dark cloud there just out of reach to dash the small steps of positive aspects of life in general. Without My Love by my side to balance and countermand these forces I sink into the mire of the daily grind. Still more bad days than good. The few "good" times trumped and negated by the rest. I will always remember that magical moment despite the torrent of torture in my daily existence. It has been about 2 weeks since My Love last came by and I miss her and that visitation greatly.

Thank you all for your support. The event was memorable and moving. Estimates of close to 1,000 people. The Butterflies were all Monarchs with beautiful orange, gold, white, and black markings. The simutanious release became an extended release over the course of 5-10 minutes. Seems that some were still hibernating and needed extra time to stir to flight. Still beautiful. En-masse they darted and flitted, landing on flowers, in peoples hair, on the instruments of the string quartet, on fences, in the grass, in cupped hands, on peoples ears, chasing each other like children playing tag, then carried away on the winds. Butterflies everywhere I looked. Beautiful sight to behold. My Mother, grand-daughter, Mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and I all enjoyed the event. What could have been somber was peppered with expressions of joy, delight, and laughter. Remarkable. I about half expected to be overwhelmed but the magic of the moment brought some peace and comfort. In addition at least two of the local TV stations had film crews there to record the event. I saw coverage on a 9pm broadcast and will check the other later broadcasts at 10pm. Was nice and hot (97*) but the laughter and wonder swayed the day. Afterwords we gathered at the house to visit and share rememberances about My Paula. MIL came over to visit with my Mother. We talked, laughed, and shared this day dedicated to My Love. I am so glad I went. Our children missed somethimg wonderful. My Love eased my troubled mind regarding their absence. Their loss. Our gain.

Just got another crushing bit of news. Our daughter has decided that her career and pursuit of real estate has greater importance to her than supporting me or honoring her mother. She can't come because "she is too busy otherwise". I have to learn to do for myself completely as I can't depend on any of our children, all three of them. I guess it is time to settle accounts and get back to square one with them. I am so hurt and furious I could bite nails. I doubt they will ever realize the sacrifices made for them all by me and their Mother, My Paula, for the entirety of their lives. And they can't even give up a few hours for me and their Mother? Appaulingly heartless conduct and attitude. And again, with all due respect, I do not care to have excuses offered. A new generation and different times can not allay bad, rude, inconsiderate, behavior and attitudes.

In a last ditch effort to allow our son the opportunity to attend the memorial service Sunday, to honor his Mother, to be there to support me in this difficult time, I contacted him again this afternoon. Same answer. We made other plans. Heart broken, I don't know what to do. The disappointment crushing. Even disrespectful in my eyes. It is only 6:45 here. Think I will just go to bed and turn the cruel world away at least for a while.

Thank you Ladies. I have every intention of going. Fortunately for My Paula, I will not be alone. My daughter and oldest grand-daughter along with her friend, are going with me. And I heard earlier that My Paula's sister and Mother are going to be there also. It is only fitting and proper to honor My Love with this gentle memorial. I could not bring myself to face this last year, but am looking forward to this years. As for our son and DIL, they might have to answer to "MOMZ" some day. Of course My Love will let them off-the-hook so to speak. I can't yet. Maybe afterwards. Kay, I could not agree more with every word you said. I sometimes think these generational issues are convenient excuses. I like being "old fashioned". I still write letters and actually make phone calls. Fae, I couldn't help but chuckle at the specter of drawing faces. Made my day.

As if dealing with this crushing grief were not enough I received another devastating blow just now. The Hospice group that cared so lovingly for My Paula last April is hosting their annual "Butterfly Release " memorial this next Sunday. I had told our children last week of the event and asked them to come and be with me in this very difficult time in my life. Just heard that our oldest son and his wife have made other plans. Seems that going to lunch is more important than honoring My Love, My Paula, "Momz" . This is devastating to me. How can this be so? Why? Crying and hurt beyond all reason by this lack of respect. I really can't hear any lame excuses right now either. Had I know just how alone I am in this, how I can not depend on the family, the family MY Paula nurtured, raised, sacrificed for, and gave so much of herself to, was going to act so indifferently towards, I would have tried much harder this past 16th to put an end to this sad, lonely, miserable existence. My heart is so broken I can not begin to express how deeply this hurts. My Paula is the master at forgiveness. Me, not so much. Not soon anyway.

It is a sad grey rainy day here. As I sit to enjoy the soothing gentle rain, a tear rolls down my cheek. These are the types of days My Paula and I especially appreciated. Quiet days alone together in our own special world. Relaxing times sharing and enjoying the simple pleasure of each others companionship. I can not begin to express just how greatly I miss My Love. This is such a sad lonely world without My Love beside me. What to do, what to do.

Heidi, sorry you still carry such great pain. I was told last year that it would ever so slowly abate. i could not see that time then, or believe a single word of it either. But here one year later it has actually eased enough to catch my breath occasionally. There are still hard times, hard days, sleepless night, pain, sorrow and sadness. And I know more to come. I hope I have weathered the worst of it but have no means of knowing. In the mean while I try my best to adjust to these changing dynamics. Sometimes even successfully I might add. Today is a perfect example. I had little to do so fell into a depression just thinking of My Paula. I cried and felt sad and lonely most of the day. Another wasted day as nothing was accomplished. Then late this afternoon I remembered a small project in my shop. Then I decided to trim the grass from around the sprinkler heads. And trimmed the groung-cover growth from the sidewalks. Then swept up the clippings for recycling. Nothing of any import, but I found something to distract my tortured mind and soul and at the same time, honored, remembered, and "pleased" My Love. Like you, I do not care very much about myself. If left to me, I could and would simple sit down and give completely up. But I have come to see that doing these things enhances my stature in My Paula's eyes, makes me feel better inside, and provides a much needed distraction for me. So I ask you to give it just one more day. Pour your heart out here if nowhere else. Research religious aspects of an afterlife on the computer. Accept that which comforts you. Reject the naysayers. You will find both. When you find your "truth" you will know it. I did and found it comforting in many ways. Maybe I picked and chose to find something to ease my pain but it helped. It is a grim task but you can face this too. The voice of experience and friendship.

Thank you Kayc for that revelation. I have been here for just under a year and this is the most I have ever heard of your history. Thank you for sharing. What struck a chord for me is the simple holding of hands. I came home from work eagerly, every day, just to be near My Paula. If I got home before she did I eagerly awaited her arrival. No matter who was there first, each ALWAYS greeted the other with a hug, a kiss, and a "happy to see you. I'm glad you are home", and meant every word! Everywhere we went it was hand-in-hand. I just could not get close enough to My Love. It was an obsession for us. Out to dinner, the movies, shopping, running errands, walking in the yard, anywhere, anytime, all the time. Enjoying the peace and serenity we shared and dearly cherished. When I have to be out now I always tell My Love I am going and give her a kiss. When I eagerly return I announce my arrival and give her a kiss. I kiss her good morning each day and kiss her good night every night. I tell her I love her several times daily. This may seem bittersweet to some but these displays of affection serve to keep My Love so very close to me, where she belongs. I know she is watching. I want to "please her". I know she is here. According to Prof. Steven Hawking energy can not be destroyed, only change into another form of energy. My Paula has taken on a different form of energy but will always exist. All our spouses have done so. They are still here. Take heart Jan for your Pete is there with you even now. As is Doug with Fae, and George with Kay, and Robert with Heidi, and My Paula with me.

Absolutely Heidi. Not only thought I would, knew I would, and prayed and hoped for just that release. This is just part of the grieving process. My Love gives me the strength and courage to hang-on just one more day even when I do not want to do so. Robert is doing the same for you if you let him. Allow him the honor of continuing to be there for you, too. Make him as proud of you as you are proud of him. Another perspective I adopted was to not use past-tense words when referring to My Love. I much prefer "is" to "was", etc. Gives me a sense of "now" and continuation, not the finality of the past event. "Passed away" not dead or death, or dying and the like. Staying in "the present" keeps her "in the present" and with me. Using softer, kinder, more gentle terminology softens the sharp edges. And yet another is that I write love letters to My Love daily. So far I have filled12 80 page spiral notebooks, front and back on each page. About 1750 - 1800 pages now. About 3 or so pages daily. I tell her of my day, my troubles. my thoughts, and expressions of my un-dyeing love for her. By doing so we still have that bond and sharing we so greatly appreciated and nurtured. I feel that by writing, she can see, hear, and share my most basic thoughts and deep inner turmoil. I approach her "being away" as if My Love is on an extended business trip or long solo vacation. Now that I can somewhat, I think from different perspectives. Yesterday I saw how shabby the yard looked and needed mowing. Due to medical and physical issues I have not "done" the yard in about 15 years or so. I cranked up the mower and attacked it full force. Not very neatly done, but done for My Paula as she enjoys the property looking nice. I am sore from head to toe and did not sleep well accordingly. But I did it for My Paula. I know it "pleases her" and that is enough for me today. In fact, My Love came to wake me this morning in a gesture of appreciation for my effort yesterday with the yard, for her, and to once again re-assure me she is still here and loves me. Just like in "real life", relationships change as needed to accommodate circumstances. This is an adjustment to our changing dynamics, sad though they be. Not wanted, but necessary just the same. Small steps. One at a time when you are ready.

Heidi. If I had the magic words to say I would. I don't because there aren't any. I have felt the same exact panic you are facing now. The best I can suggest, based on my still raw journey, is to try to relax. Don't fight so intensely against the waves of emotion that are coming now. Let them go through you, not wash you away if possible. Acknowledge them and let them go when you can. Bend with them and the sharpness is not so great. At least not as great as resisting, for me. This is going to hurt like hell for a long time. No way to avoid it I am sorry to say based on my still new experiences. I promise you it will get better. When, no one knows for we all process differently. Cry your heart out. Scream. Rage against the world if need be. Just don't give up. I have been down that road. At times like this our inner resolve is all that keeps us from succumbing to the horror all around us. I gave up and did absolutely nothing for months but grieve ardently for My Love. I still do. Just not as intensely. Nothing else mattered, nothing existed but the grief and its devastating effects. As I slowly, very slowly, came to terms with the truth, everything I had set-aside and ignored was still there waiting, both good and bad. At some point you, just as I did, must face the reality that our loved ones are gone and not coming back. You are so much stronger than you know and are about to discover just how so. My Paula just planted a thought. Perhaps she will encounter Robert where they are. My Paula is so very good a listener. I would like to think they might build a friendship and wait patiently for us to join them. Like Robert, anyone who knows My Paula, thinks the world of them. I imagine My Paula there preparing a place for us. Tending to her garden. Addressing the needs and wants of children. Enjoying the pain free existence never to be ill again. Can you see Robert there helping others? Building? Tinkering? Living out his hearts desires? You know that includes you, Right? Imagine the possibilities. My Paula told me "she was waiting but not sitting on a park bench. That there "is no need to rush". She would be waiting for me. These simple words gave me strength. Can you imagine Robert doing the same for you? I can. I have decided that what time I have left is best served in becoming worthy of the un-dying love we share. It gives me chill-bumps. How exciting a reunion we will share! My Paula always was proud of me. (And I, her) To let others see exactly what sort of man I was. It "pleased her" and that is enough for me. I know you want the same with and for Robert. He wants that for you. Our spouses did not leave by their choice you know. They are awaiting for our time to pass. Patiently waiting and wanting nothing but the best for us until that appointed time. I have not mentioned this before but feel this might benefit you now. When younger I had a "near death experience". It was real. Transported instantly to a place of such peace and beauty as to be indescribable. Mere words fail utterly. I know My Paula is there now. You know Robert is there now. Someday we will be there too, sharing eternity. There is no rush. Until that time I pray for you and, hopefully, remain your friend and supporter. Talk to me when no one else will listen. I am here. Chris