boogieman

Thank you all so much. Maybe the idea of "tomorrow' or "the future' is too daunting a task right now. Paula and I lived in "the moment" so easily. Apparently I have mis-placed that mind-set. I will try,given the rawness still, to focus short term. Paula was oh so good at keeping us so grounded, so intuned to the "here and now". I just lost sight of that consumed by the turmoil without her. Yes I have had these "attacks" before. As I was leaving my first loveless, contentious marriage, I came very, very, close to the brink. Hopeing that Paula could/would be my salvation I turned to her. She was very eager to leave her physically abusive, violence prone first husband but afraid to do so. In every true sense of the word we were each others salvation, literally. The love we shared, her grounding me, me comforting her, our healing of each other began immediately. With her gentle loving, careing manner, she loved me away from what would have been my undoing. Never to have to experience that hell again due to her loving ways. I loved her in return with continued support, re-intalling her sense of self, her self confidence, her inner strength, her beauty, and her meaning to me. Now with this resurfacing again I turn to her for comfort to find she is not there but in memory. I think I will try to limit the dark specter of that yet unknown future and focus on today, or the next day, at the most, if my mind will let me. I still have no desire to interact with others but will cautiously try to wait and see. If I can figure out how, I would love to post a picture of the two of us. The mutual love and respect captured so nicely.

Mary, I see by your 3500+ posts you are a regular. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts. After this early mornings post I indeed sucumb to that anxiety attack. Finally calming myself about 9:30 am I fell into complete exhaustion sleep. Waking about 1:30 pm not feeling any benefits from the tumultious "sleep", I strived to work in my journal to no avail. I just couldn't organize any coherent thoughts. Struggeling to accomplish my chores I had to leave our house. This in of itself causes anxiety but I went anyway as I had no other choice. While out I realized not only the hour of my earlier hours posting, but today is in fact the 5 week date of loosng my dear wife. Still counting time in weeks. It feels like so long ago, but just yesterday too. Feeling another "episode" coming on . Shaking hands, upset stomach, heart racing, chest tightening, confusion, and the ever present headache.

Thank you too, Jan. I have read parts of your heart-rendering saga, also. My heart goes out to each of you as yours does for me. Right now I feel little sense of comfort from that fact alone. Perhaps because this is so fresh, raw, and tender. Ironically, as I sit here awake and alone again, I notice it is coming up on 3:00am yet again. The hour my sweet Paula passed. This routine has become the norm instead of the exception. Being awake and so tuned in to the hour and it's obvious significance for me, I probably can't, won't, go back to bed for much needed sleep. Slowly I have come to realize this truth. This persistant reminder, and others, haunt me constantly. If this is my "new reality" I want no part of it. It begs the question..."Why can't I get past even this?". Of course it is my mind and soul refusing to let go of my Paula who permeates my very being, while refusing to accept the true reality of it all. Once again I feel my tentative grasp slipping. As I acknowledge the coming anxiety attack that will consume me I must go.

Thank you all. I am so confused I don't know what to do. Possibly tomorrow I can get a grip on something.

One thing I find most daunting are the holidays. For example, Mother's Day was a disaster for me. The children were coming here to be with Paula on her day. Plans changed as I was asked to come to our oldest son and wife's house instead. Not really wanting to go, but not wishing to tarnish the day for her or Paula, I went. We had a pleasant visit. Found out later that Bobbie (daughter-in-law) was still grieving Paula's loss too. She had a lesser than expected day for herself. How I wish I could have made it better for her. Then headed to my Mothers (she lives a distance away) I was hit with a full blown anxiety-panic attack. Pulling off the road I realized I needed to be home with Paula. Home where we are safe, home where we belong, home together. I also realized a short time later on my drive back home, my immediate thoughts were what if something happens to her while I am gone? Arriving home it was a full hour before my stress and anxiety levels began to diminish. Is this crazy or not? Now Memorial day is coming up. Our oldest (Greg), Bobbie, and their 8 year old, are headed to San Antonio for six days at Sea World, and Six Flags. Our Daughter (Emily) and her new romance are headed to Galveston for some beach time. Our oldest grand-daughter (Chrissie) is off to New Orleans with her church for a mission trip. Our youngest son (Bradley) and his wife (Jenn) live in Mass. I do hope they have the greatest of times. So a long holiday is upon us and not only will family be gone away, I feel even lonelier because Paula and I lived for these long weekends alone. To work in the yard and garden, long afternoon naps together, staying up late watching movies or talking, she cooking the special meals she so loved doing to surprise and please me. Just being together for our own pleasure. The continued shareing of our lives. Still to come this year are Paula's birthday, our anniversary, the youngest son's birthday, Thanksgiving, and Paula's favorite holiday, Christmas. All to be spent alone for all intent and purpose. Crying again as I write even this, how will I be able to make the rest of the most significant days of our lives without her? Life seems so lonely, pointless and useless from my vantage point, right now. Not intending to dredge-up uncomfortable situations for anyone, my mind wanders and the words and emotions spill out of their own accord. Once again I appreciate all who take the time and make the effort to console this raw grieving soul. Re-reading this post it seems I might be a hopeless case. There are some of us you know.

Thank you, Mary for your kind words. Having read many of the previous posts I see you are a long-time contributor and respondant. I feel the empathy from you and hopefully others here in this hallowed forum. As I am obviously floundering I eagerly await any and all responses. All the while knowing this is an inner struggle. One that I must face alone despite the comfort, reassuring words and support from other like afflected individuals. Paula was my strength. After 3 years ,two batteling cancer from 2011-2013, she had two other medical issues the previous year (2010) requiring hospitalizations and long-time recoveries, I was gladly able to focus all of my energies to loving her, taking care of her, and tending to her every need for that three year period. Nothing else mattered. Now she is gone I find I have no focus in my life. Long-time hobbies and other interests hold no appeal for me. The 'things' I once enjoyed are now just "things". Things that distract me from my only love, Paula. I find I can not allow even one prescious memory to be diminished for what-ever reason. Since her passing I have begun to keep a journal denoting each and every detail of everything I can possibly remember. To not do so, to me, lessens the profound impact she has on my life. I simply can not, will not, allow our glorious relationship to be a meer memory. To chronicle these prescious moments is to forever lock them into my consciousness. If that forever locks and binds me to our past, so be it. There is where we are happiest. There I wish and choose to remain. For me, right now, I realize my view is distorted, clouded, yet crystal clear at the same time. Perhaps it will change, become more accepting of the horrid situation I now must reluctantly face. Part of me sees the need to ease my hold, a larger part insists on holding on even tighter. What to do. Who wins this battle? Idealism or reality? Knowing the answers must come from within, I remain in constant turmoil. A state of existence only my Paula can relieve me from. If that never comes to pass, here, alone with my beloved wife, I will remain. All I ever long for is to be in her company. Please overlook the dour tone to my postings. The grief and pain I bear have clouded my reality to the point I am not sure of anything anymore. My longing for her, my undying love for her, my desire to be with her, have taken control of my being. I must do what I must do to quench this deep thirst I have for her. She who literally saved my life now sustains me. Chris

Paula, my dear beloved wife of 35 years passed away this past April 16th from colon cancer which metastisized into her bones, hips, vertabra, liver, lymph nodes, lungs, and neck. First diagnosed in 2011 with colon cancer, she stood proud and tall, resisting the inevitable with her great inner strength. I was disabled in 2007 due to a car wreck. She nursed, healed, and loved me back to health. I retired in 2008 as a result. Being there to proudly tend to my wife her last 2 years is one of my greatest accomplishments. How could I ever do less for her than she did for me? After suffering through 3 rounds of chemo, 2 rounds of radiation treatments, and 2 surgeries we learned of the spread throughout her body in March. Being able to care for, tend to, and love her daily for the last years of her life, we became even closer, inseperable. Because of her, I was able to set myself aside and focus completely, totally on her needs. What a proud man I was of her and her defiant refusal to give in to this insidious condition. Being unable to control her extreme levels of pain at home, WE made the decision to have her admitted to the hospital on Saturday the 13th. Efforts there were minimal as WE opted for Hospice care on Sunday the 14th. What wonderful people they are. Caring for and attending to her speciffic needs as her pain increased to intolerable levels. The most selfless decision I ever made was to ask the Hospice care team to increase her pain meds to a level I knew would hasten her demise.As we spoke about and agreed to, we both vowed to not let the other suffer needlessly if and when to situation dictated. Selflessly helping her the only way I could by letting her go. To be pain free and untroubled for eternity. Finally at 3AM on the morning of the 16th she was released from her personal anguish, I was proudly there by her side. Never leaving, ever loving her. My first thought was to thank the Lord that she would forever be pain free for I know she is now in Heaven. Ours is one of the prescious, dear, rare, epic love stories so often referenced but so few experience. We were inseperable from day one. Both coming from loveless, abusive relationships we were each others salvation. We reveled in each other, shared our most guarded fears and hopes, cherishing our lives and time together. Gladly forsaking all others for the one person we so easily became. She loved me back from the precipise I was once willing to leap into. She literally saved my life. And I hers. Her first husband constantly cheated on her becoming physically abusive, We both longed for that peace and comfort dwelling in true devotion and caring for another before ourselves. We chose each other, vowed to be true to each other, and set off on our lifes voyage, never looking back. In each others love and care we became the people, the couple, the one person we both so deeply wanted to be. What a wonderful, rich, full life we have. Sharing the most intimate moments, as well as the trivial, with such abandon. She came full circle with the joy she found in our three children, five grand-children, and three great grand-children. All the while striving to be the absolut best wife, lover, companion, partner, confidant, and friend to me possible. The joy in her eyes haunts me daily. The contented smile ever present. The love that pours from her humbly acknowledged. She threw her whole being into all that we are. Becoming ever so content and personally pleased in the process. She gave us all so much more than we can ever repay. I never imagined that one person could ever have that much love and care to give to us. A debt we can only now begin to understand and never repay. Now she is gone and my world has been crushed. I cry now just typing these meger words about my so dearly loved and missed lifes companion. I have no sense of worth, no direction, no focus. I have a constant headache from the stress. My hands shake. I have experienced anxiety and panic attacks that I have no control over. My blood preasure is off the charts, I don't sleep. All from the still unimaginal loss of my friend, my companion, my dear wife. How am I to be expected to go on alone? Family and most friends offer platitudes to no avail. I find no peace. She was/is my entire world. My reason for living. My everything. We shared everything possible two people could. Now I have no-one to share anything with. Who am I to turn to for someone-anyone- to talk to who understands? To share my day with? To hold and comfort each other when needed or wanted? To share a lifetime with? To continue life without these prescious moments is about all I can bear. And that not easily or well. Most here share a similar story and outcome. Thank you all for allowing me to share this unbearable grief with you. So few care, even fewer understand the devistation from losing the love of a lifetime. Your comments, care, and support will be greatly appreciated as I now begin the process of discovering who and what I am without her ever by my side Thanking you in advance, Chris