boogieman

I sincerely wish I had some sort of meaningful advice to offer. As evidenced by my posts I am struggling greatly too. Living in the fog of unknowns and indecision has become the norm. Never knowing what or when or how anything might develop. Only you can decide weather or not to make contact. Trust your heart, not your emotions regarding this. Shortly after My Paula passed I was faced with the same type of decision. In my deep grief I located my first love with the intentions to contact her. Married with two children, grand-children I think, etc. I have addresses, pictures and such. I decided to not interject myself into her life. There could have been unintended consequences I did not want to be responsible for causing. A decision I do not regret. But that is just me. I still think of the "what if's" but had to let them go. I decided with my heart, not emotions Through a family member, My Paula was contacted by her first love too. Under the guise of simply reaching out to her in dealing with her cancer and chemo, he purported to being caring and concerned. A month later he was hitting on her, suggesting clandestine meetings and hiding his correspondences from me. Needless to say this caused a huge ripple in our peace and serenity while trying to care for My Paula in her time of great need. Of course she declined, but he persisted in contacting her. Not her fault or doings but the effects were the same. These unwarranted and unsolicited advances troubled me greatly. I only ask you to reconsider before interjecting yourself into that dynamic. Would you really be content with "being just friends"? Only you can answer that. The truth is that each of us must face our problems and situations individually. There are no "pat" answers to any of this. We are all basically on our own trying desperately to cope with our personal demons. Some more successfully than others, some of us not so well. I wish peace for you. Chris

Jenna, so sorry that your hopes did not match your dreams. Perhaps the findings can now allow you to find some sense of closure. "Confused and empty" is a feeling we all know well.

Thank you Marty. What ever one may call it, it is a situation or factor to be addressed. Personally, I resist the efforts to "categorize" everything. These feelings come and go as they choose with little control from the so afflicted. For me, the issue is the lack of control and how these gremlins seemingly pop-up when they choose and interfere with the daily routines, such as they are. Little issues once easily ignored or passed-over become boil-over points so easily. The ability to "cope" is short-circuited leading directly to blow-ups with no stops between the extremes. All due, at least in part, to being forced to spend such a great deal of time and energy grieving for our lost loves. This exercise, this almost all consuming effort, leaves little room for adjusting to inequities as they arise. May be the accumulative effect where "the straw that breaks the camel's back" is the merest of things. None-the-less, the effects are the same. For me, the lack of influence on the maelstrom of life going on around and to me is frightening. I never know when and if I may explode inappropriately, having done so on more than one occasion. I do not like having to be so guarded against this situation constantly. This basically" shuts me down" and even further removes me from everyday life. Takes too much of my effort when I have much bigger issues to deal with at a time when I barely have minimal capacity to just get by.

I have been thinking. Maybe I am finally getting to that "anger" phase of grief. Every little thing sets me off for no apparent reason. Short fuse and quick to react. Been that way for a week or a little longer. I got a surprise earlier tonight. Our oldest grand-daughter dropped by for a visit. So I took her to dinner. So nice to share a meal with someone I really like. Adult conversation and all.

Very hard if not impossible to smile when.....(fill in the blank). I know I am less than pleasant company. But come on. Our daughter is right. The toll of this shows very plainly.

I had a post in reply all written out. I hit "post' and it vanished. The gist of which is this. My Paula was the source of my happiness. She and she alone brought joy to my life. She chose to be responsible for my happiness and I hers. Never failing to make each other happy! Together we were greater than the sum of our parts. I was consummately unhappy before meeting My Paula and am so again without her. My personal joy and happiness are gone. There are a few good times, but no continuing happiness. No inner peace or joy. Went to the Cirque du Soleil today. Wonderful show and a good day with our children. I had offered to treat us all to a nice meal after the show but they declined. Hurt my feelings somewhat. Instead, I helped Greg rebuild the carburetor on his truck. Emily and her intended went home. Bobbie prepared tortellini and tomato sauce for dinner. Greg's 43rd birthday is next Sunday. Maybe we can get together then.

Thank you all again Ladies. I express myself here as my one true friend is someone I can not afford to continually overwhelm with all that I face. Your consistent assistance is appreciated. Beautiful, poignant painting, Mary. Well brushed I might add. By "love" of course I am referencing My Paula. There are many forms of love but only one registers as most defining, most important, most personal. The type of love that transforms one. The type of love that engulfs and changes every aspect of a life. My Paula and I have that. All of you monitoring my posts have been able to get through these issues I now face. I applaud you for your strength and courage, your encouraging words to me. Maybe I am too linear, too analytical, in my thought processes. I have always dissected an issue thoroughly before finding an acceptable understanding for me. Neither right nor wrong, but acceptable. Another piece of a puzzle that fits in only one place. Right now I am that piece searching for my place in the tapestry of life.

If love is the reason for living what is the reason for living without love?

The repair seam would be on the bottom, Right? Maybe around your neck as a compromise. My hands and feet both swell occasionally. Less often now I have lost weight. I took mine off just now for a few seconds. What a strange feeling after 35+ years!

Thank you Kay. I have not felt completely comfortable in group. Not that there are any issues with the counselor. I just have the sense I do no fit in. The "standard" offerings do not resonate with or through me. I guess I am searching for, longing for, something "deeper" or at least more meaningful. I just do not know for sure. In my case, having had that rare experience of actually being able to find and keep "the love of my life", I find the mere idea or suggestion of "rituals" at least disrespectful. My Paula means my very life and existence to me, not a trivial lighting of a candle. I did contact the counselor and apologized for my vocal opposition to the suggestion. She graciously let me off the hook by commenting on my apparent deep seated pain. Could not disagree there. I will speak to the group next week if I go back. These suggestions may prove useful to others As for routines, I have forgone as many of them as I can, choosing to do nothing in lieu of not being able to share them with My Paula. I too have noted a great reluctance for our children to come around as before. This past Christmas being a prime example. What once was a come-early on Christmas Eve, stay the day, and leave just before bedtime ( 9 to 10am through 9 to 10pm) was reduced to coming just before noon, eating, opening presents, and gone to other things by 6pm. My Paula was "the fun one" too. With just me here the mood is/was too intense for comfort and easy visiting. I accept that reluctantly. What other choice do I have? Their "MOMZ" is not here, My Paula is not here. I am, but accept that that is not enough to overcome the apparent sadness within me. Their lives, their routines, no longer include me. And with exception of one true friend, all other friends and family have distanced themselves from me too. So other than here, I have only one person to try to help me externalize my deep pain and loneliness. I still wear my wedding ring. My Paula had it especially custom made for me. It is now my most prized and cherished possession. I do not intend to ever "take it off". The significance is too great. I vowed to love, honor, and cherish only her until I die. I proudly intend to follow through on that vow. I also wear a gold pendant I gave to My Paula in 1980 for Christmas. I wear it on a gold chain necklace she gave me that same Christmas. That will never "come off" either. What I an trying to say is that My Paula is so profoundly an integral part of me that short of being in her presence again, no thing, no one, can ever replace that magic we shared. I will never entertain such a suggestion. "Ritual" or not.

Went to group last night. Not a pleasant experience at all. For some reason I have yet to identify or understand, I was almost confrontational in my attitude and approach. The main subject was establishing new "rituals" in order, in my mind, to replace the established and cherished norms of a past life. For some unknown reason I find this abhorrent. How can I , or anyone, honestly, be so flippant as to ignore and replace the long established patterns and shared experiences of a glorious past with a few meaningless "rituals"? Nothing will ever replace or supplant the memories inherent there. Yes that past is gone forever. Yes everything has changed for the worst. But to ignore that past is an anathema to me. Maybe I try too desperately to cling to what once was. That is my choice, detrimental or not. Yet I spoke vehemently against such a suggestion when presented, which I probably shouldn't have. I am so screwed-up I don't know whether to pat my watch or wind the dog. Emotions still so very close to the surface and still completely raw. I gather you can tell how deeply this still affects every aspect of my so-called life now. I hate being like this. I don't like who I am been forced to become and my negative attitudes towards everything are tainting my limited perspective. I see myself as ruined and broken beyond repair. Had I the ability to be otherwise I would. The unbearable pain,agony, and irreplaceable loss of My Paula, are all driving me into the ground and grinding me to a pulp, so-to-speak. This load is becoming too great for me to bear. No rest, little sleep, no appetite, no future, no explanations or understandings. No idea how I can continue like this.

The Cirque is magically fantastical in it's scope and presentation. A three hour escape to their fantasy land. So few of us are lucky enough to have the kind of relationship we had. I adored My Paula. I knew it from the very first time I saw her. Is our kind of relationship so rare due to "cosmic forces" or are too few others willing to make the commitment and self-sacrifice required to nurture such a commitment to the other? Commitment for a life-time not just until the first bump in the road? Maybe both.

Sympathies about your sleep issues Jenna. I am completely sympathetic and fully understand. Lack of messes-up my entire day too. Physical symptoms from grief are common occurrences, or so I am told. I still hope you find that which you are searching for through the detective. I have found that unresolved issues take on a " life of their own" while we grieve, demanding attention until answers are found. As if we don't have enough going-on already. The 35+ years with My Paula are the absolute best times of my life. My bad, Kay. I assumed Cirque was well known. For those unfamiliar with them, they are a performance group based in Canada. They have several performance venues in Las Vegas, as well as national and international touring shows. The shows are fantastical in their scope and production. Circus type acts performed in exotic costumes, a live band for music, operatic quality singing, multiple mechanical props, video backgrounds, clowns, skits, audience interactions, all set to a theme for each show. There are high-wire acts, jugglers, teeter board groups, trapeze groups, balancing acts, rope acts, and performances that I still find unbelievable while watching. Known for their huge tents, we have seen them there, in basketball arenas, and hockey rink arenas. We always preferred the tent venues. It is an exotic getaway from the ordinary daily routine. My Paula and I often asked others to go with us but until now our children have been either too busy or uninterested. The few others that have gone with us haven't been as taken with the experience as we are. Apparently the Cirque is an acquired taste. So more often than not we looked at this yearly outing as another "date night" for us. As recently as her last year, My Paula commented to one of her friends how she still looked forward to our "date nights". I was always so proud to take her out and be seen with her. It just doesn't get any better than being allowed to "date the love of my life". We are so very good for each other. Being a "gentleman", I still enjoyed opening doors for her, seating her at dinner tables, pushing the grocery cart for her, saying please and thank you, our "PDA 's" (public displays of affection) and especially enjoyed walking hand-in-hand with her. My Paula is my life. My complete reason for existing. I miss her so. Today is the 20th. This past weak has been unbearably hard. The hardest since last April in fact. I was still awake at 3:30 this morning bemoaning her being gone. There was another doorbell visitation this morning at 8:10 am. There have been eight such signs from My Paula so far this month. I love her caring and efforts, especially now. I find my lack of sleep and rest acceptable as long as I know My Paula is around and cares for me to the same extent I care for her. How absolutely perfect under the circumstances.

The 19th has come and now going. What a long terrible stressful week this has been. I hope to get a reprieve until the 13th of next month. School obligations over until next week. Only group tomorrow night if I go. Oh, and I am going to Cirque de Soleil Sunday with our son and daughter. This yearly outing was eagerly anticipated and thoroughly enjoyed by My Paula and I for 10 years. Made sure to see every touring show. Even when she was "down" from chemo. Cheered her up greatly. Hope I can keep it together then. Seems that no matter what, my frame of reference always includes My Paula. What a wonderful life we shared.

Having a glass of milk before bedtime has been my practice for over 35 years. I don't do it for sleep inducements as much for the cold, smooth, settling effects on me generally. So far I have not been afflicted with the "old man prostrate/bladder syndrome". Lucky me. I neglected to mention my bedtime routine of taking an aspirin to ease my normal aches and pains. Heart healthy, blood thinning properties, and general mild pain relief. A lifetime in construction leads to these. Sleeping is my issue, not the location. It is stressful sleeping alone but equally so most of the time regardless of location. Being alone is a major complication factor, but not the only one. I miss her warmth, security, her being close for me to protect, the gentle sound of her breathing. My Paula almost always "slept well" for lack of a better term. I often just laid awake next to her to enjoy vicariously her serene, peaceful sleeping. I envied her that quality. It was our habit of her going to bed before me. I would always accompany her and stay with her until she was soundly asleep. It comforted and reassured her I was there for her. This simple routine, this seemingly insignificant gesture, was good for us both. That is what I miss so greatly. If and when I do sleep, I hardly ever wake in the night. Exceptions being if My Paula needed me, or the phone ringing, or such. Otherwise I just don't wake at night. Or used to not wake in the night. Now I find the opposite is true. My Paula not being there is the first thing I check should I waken in the night, and most assuredly every morning, if I do have a morning. Twice weekly I go to school. It is only a 15 minute drive and never on a highway. Surface streets only. So not much danger there. Besides, I can come and go as my schedule and time-frame allows. Last week I even was allowed a "personal" work table set aside just for me alone. Otherwise the tables are on a first-come basis. ( More students than work tables. They have to share - I don't). I am doing a few fabrication projects for the college, and class in particular, so I get my own! Fortunately, when I can't or don't sleep before class days, I find I move in slow-motion. Lots of safety there when every move is planned and considered carefully. I adhere to a life-time of safety precautions. In years past I even gave regular safety seminars to my crews. A fully functional fabrication shop is a very dangerous place. I have even taken it upon myself to point out dangers to some of the first-time students.

Finally slept last night. Fittful at best, I find this morning I got no real rest. Apparently just enough to be forced to have to go through the motions of another long lonely day. In a way a good thing as I have nowhere to have to be or anything of importance to have to do. The cubbards are bare but stll no appetite or desire to eat anything. Thinking on the sleep inducing suggestions from Marty I find I do many of them at present. I sleep on My Paulas side of the bed on her pillows. I have a night light on in the adjacent bathroom. The bedroom is as dark and quiet and as cool as possible. I have a glass of milk every night at bedtime. I leave the TV on an old movie or one of the music channels every night. I say my prayers and talk to My Paula every night before trying to sleep. I go through our exchange of "Love You" reaffermations every night. All to no avail as these aren't enough to overcome the deep pain and agony of having to be without My Paula. Even acknowledging the fact that she is gone is more than I can bear. Sleeping alone, in-and-of-itself, causes anxiety and sorrow. I have to accept that this is how I will be. I am one of those lonely souls who is just not going to be happy alone, ever. Now alone without My Paula, the "Love of My Life", I am approaching a critical-mass point, not abating as some would suggest. Things aren't getting "better" or "easier" at all. They are getting worse for me. Even while pursuing distractive endeavors, I find myself constantly going back to and recalling the happy past we shared. Going back and perusing my past posts I see a pattern of ups and downs. Lately the downs are over-shaddowing the ups. As time passes the reality of the totality of my loss is "sinking in" and becoming the dominant factor in my daily so called life. The few good times and situations of the last ten months are so few and far between as to be insignificant. Appreciated for sure,but not enough. From mid 2010 through April 2013 we had many heartbreaks, dissapointments, fact facing, and reality checks. We accepted them all in stride because we had each other. That all-encompassing love and support for each other so rare. We faced all the realities together as one. Our vows and pledges to and for each other never waivering. Now that I don't have My Paula to care for I am empty and hollow. I know the focus of my life has been taken. I am thrilled beyong words knowing she does not have to suffer any longer. That in no way mitigates my missing her. My long lonely days with no one to share the simple things of life with are real. This is how it must be. I find it unacceptable. By myself I have no drive, no ambitions, no asperations, no life. Every aspect of my life was and is laser focused on My Paula. Without her I am lost. Completely lost. My Paula is my reason for existing. My reason for thriving. My life expressed through her, and her alone. Without My Paula I have no life.

I did make the day somehow. Got to class by 6:30 am. The instructor was astounded as I usually show up around 9;00 - 9:30 for an 8:00 start time. Stayed until 3:00 pm. A long day. Got home and fell asleep until just a short while ago. Extreme irritability plagues me. A constantly barking dog a few doors down woke me. The city won't take action for this disturbance of the peace unless I file charges through the police dept. Can you believe that? Now hungry but not wanting to eat. Repulsive expensive habit this. In order to cover my household taxes for this year, $3,000, I have had to set-aside an additional $250/month. Existing on only my $1,300/month leaves me $1,050/month for living expenses. The AC tab runs up to $500/month all summer long. So a doctor is out as Medicaid barely covers anything any more. I can't afford the co-pay and out-of-pocket costs. Thank you "Uncle Barry". Affordable Health Care my aunt Sally! I did try repeatedly last June to contact my doctor regarding the sleep aid. After a week of leaving messages I gave up. I quit trying completely. Left to my own devices with not much alternative available. What else am I supposed to do? I did re-read that link from Marty. More than I can cope with right now. Every aspect of my life is wreaked by havoc somehow anyway, so what difference does one more make. I don't mean to be so negative so much of the time. Reality dictates what I see and how I feel at any given moment. It is hard to look up from the bottom of a very deep hole. If I thought for a single second I was the only one with problems I would get really depressed!

Looks and feels like I'm the only soul here. It is after 4am and I have no one to talk to. No sleep tonight even though I tried. Don't you just hate nights like that? Almost got there but had a terrible nightmare about a home invasion that woke me. "Slept" for a total of 3 minutes. 3:28 to 3:31. Tried again but my eyes won't stay shut. Brain in total overdrive so I can't relax. I hate being so dependant on others now. Without My Paula I am completely lost. No appetite so I don't eat. No one to lay next to me with so I don't sleep. No one to talk to so I type. No one to spend time with so I am lonely. No one in this big house but me. No one to turn to but me and I let me down regularly. Resigned to being sad and lonely for the rest of my miserable days, I just can't seem to get the hang of it. Desperately needing to be somewhere else, but where do I fit in anymore? I equate this so called life to the "STYX" song,,,"Too Much Time On My Hands". The extremes of life from the stratasphere with no air to the crushing despair of the depths of hell in a matter of moments. Even my simple mind knows this is no way to live. No middle ground, no base line, no visible horizon, no tangable normal to return to, so I "yo-yo" constantly. No forseeable end in sight scares me beyond words, yet I try to put it into words. To speak the un-speakable. Think the un-thinkable. Imagine the un-imaginable. To be who I am not since I have no compass or means to find who or where that person is any longer. Not at all pleased or accepting of the person I have been forced to become. Moody, erratic, sad, lonely, given to emotional extremes, and completely un-recognizable to me. A stranger in my own flesh. Who exactly is this disagreeable soul? What does he want? Where is he going? What is he doing? Why is he here? What is his purpose? All rhetorical of course, but these thoughts constantly flood my consciousness, especially at night. Ergo, no sleep for me. The sporadic ramblings of a mad-man at best. No rhyme or reason apparent except to me, whoever he may be. All questions and still no readily available answers. Much wiser scholars have wrestled with these questions for eons. As of yet, no discernable definitive answers. How is a simple soul supposed to make heads or tails out of the fugue and chaos sorrounding and engulfing those pondering such issues? Getting old is not for the poor, the weak, nor the lonely. I personally fall into all three catagories. Poor I can manage. Lonely is a condition beyond my control. Weak is an embarassment. My Paula made me strong. Without her I am not strong enough any longer. Another meaningless day is soon to arrive. I ask myself... What is the point? To go and do simply for the sake of doing? For what purpose, to what ends? Although esoteric and nebulus, my life has had a focus, a purpose, an end-game point. That being the life shared with the love of my life. That end-game point has been reached and surpassed. Now without My Paula, what is left for me? In the overall scheme of things I don't matter or amount to one whit. I can live with that but is what is left enough? "NO" is the answer that continually rises to the top. Isn't it ironic that after a very short while depression becomes acceptable? At least it is a tangable entity, easily defined, and comfortable in it's consistancy. I hear the hustle and bustle of the awakening world outside my doors. I have commitments made to keep today. Tomorrow is another matter entirely. Even tonight is questionable, at best.

The day is over and I have hit bottom despite the better day earlier. So off to bed to wrestle with sleep from the depth of despair. I have yet to figure-out how to manage these extremes in emotion with no warning in the extremely short time frame they overpower me. Think i will just give-up trying to do so. A futile effort at best and never successful. Yeah. Only 10 hours until tomorrow.

This is a perfect example of the unexpected. Last week I called and left a greeting for the Hospice Care nurse that tended to My Paula during her last days. Not expecting a reply I was content with doing so. Late this afternoon I got a return call from her. We exchanged pleasantries and talked at length. I told her I had been thinking of her for a while before calling. She said she had an urge to contact me prior to my call. Like old friends we talked, exchanged views and opinions, and opined on our current situations. So very nice to be able to talk openly with this special person in my and My Paula's life. The sweet irony is that she remembered caring for My Paula and was planning to call anyway. Planning to call today, the date of My Paula's passing, which she remembered.. Also ironic that My Paula's care was the first she had taken after taking a 6 week hiatus from the stress of her position and had only returned to Hospice Care duty the very day we enlisted Hospice care for My Paula. Some will see this a coincidence. I, for one, can not. Too many happen-stance events, decisions, and occurences to be so random. And calling today of all days. What a blessing. Makes the unthinkable almost bearable. Almost. The call did lift my spirits to approaching tollerable levels.

Karen,I do fully understsnd your pain and situation. My heart goes out to you, Ron, and now your daughter. Having someone to share the pain and agony with makes a huge difference. I am so sorry we have to face these demons alone but face them we must, alone or not. Everything you said resonates with me and most others here. Thank you Jenna for your words of concern and support. I finally fell asleep from exhaustion sometime around 4am. I actually slept well and restfully after doing so. I had an encounter with My Paula that somehow soothed the raw emotions and allowed me to rest. Maybe my anticipation of the time at hand exsaserbated my sense of dread. I don't know exactly what or how things turned out as they have. Whatever the case, surprisingly, I feel better this morning than I expected. Amazing the effects a good nights sleep can have on ones psyche. And last night, of all nights, for me. I choose to believe My Paula's intercession is at least partially responsible. Or simply the passage of time and the daily mental adjustments required just to "get by". The day is here and so am I. Still not easy or pleasant but "do-able" some how. I feel the need to somehow make the best of today if for no other reason than to honor My Paulas indominable spirit and positive outlook on life in general. "Rest well My Dear. You know I love you and hope to be with you soon."

Like it or not I am still here. So it begins again. The darkest chapter of my life. 10 months? 10,000 years? Took a long hard look in the mirror. Who is that person looking back at me? No wonder our daughter can "see the toll on me physically". Frightening

It's 10 pm on the longest night of my life, again. In 5 hours at 3:00 am on April 16th, My Paula passed away. Going to be a very hard night, little sleep if at all, and then tomorrow. Already anxious, stressed, and tense facing the onslaught again. Terrible headache and hands shaking.

Just saw your most recent posting. You have every "right" to be angry at the world! You be "mad" if that is what you need to be! I made a solemn vow to My Paula on Nov 10, 1979 to love, honor, and cherish her to the exclusion of all others. I intend to continue to honor that vow. She deserves nothing less. I still wear my wedding ring and will forever do so. I am still married to her and love her even more passionatly than ever before. The "why" is an unanswerable question. It has taken time to realize this and learn to adjust my thoughts accordingly. The "unjustness" of this certainly is unfair by any standard. The world is a lesser place without people like My Paula and Your Bill in it. As "they" say...."The greater the love, the greater the loss". If we didn't love so very much this wouldn't hurt so much. We suffer deeply and greatly for we loved so very much. Chris

Good to hear from you today. Happy for you that you made it through your double-whammy Valentines day. These particular "love shared" days are hard for us without our loved ones. I spent the majority of my day in distraction in my shop. Not particularly rewarding but a distraction none-the-less. Had a late lunch and pancakes for dinner later I was reluctant about attending a group session. Still not sure of all the implications and ramifications , but being around others similarly afflicted seems to help. The counselor reminds us at the end of session that we may have negative reactions afterwards, and she is right. Re-facing the tragedy and trauma certainly opens wounds again. It is like any other endeavor. The more we put in the more we get back, supposedly. Think about it and go only if and when you feel up to it. Another unexpected repercussion from our situation is the drawing-back of friends. For example, in years past My Paula and I would receive 25-30 Christmas cards yearly. This past Christmas I got only 6. As a gentleman in group opined, not hard to find out who your true friends are. People are reluctant to face the situation as it causes them to potentially face the same issues for themselves. And this aspect of life is avoided at almost any cost by most. They just don't understand how deeply this affects most of us. It's too personal. As for me, I know the person I am now is not the most pleasant person to be around. During and shortly after My Paula's passing our children were very close and helpful. They basically "took over" for me and attended to all the details and arrangements to spare me that. As time has transpired they have gone back to their own lives, the natural progression. Our oldest son is a regional director for the State of Texas, responsably for 20% of the states properties of which there are thousands. Our daughter recently resigned from her position as general manager of a dental chain in this area to devote her efforts full-time to the booming real estate market locally. Business is great as she has several million dollar listings and has sold 15 properties in recent months. Our youngest son lives out-of-state. I don't have much contact with he and his wife, but that's another story. Needless to say, contact with the children and families has dwindled considerably. Hurt at first, I realize this is a solo-effort for me. Might as well get on with it and not cause any potential un-repairable damage with them. Get back to your life as you see fit. Only you can decide if, or when, or where you may be ready. I have broken-down several times in public and just don't care what strangers think anymore. This is my burden and I'll handle it the best I can, publically or not. Oldest son and DIL coming sometime today, or so they say. I'll warmly welcome them if and when the arrive. No expectations, no disapointments. I need to do chores outside today and tomorrow if I can manage to do so. Spring isn't far away here and I need to tend to pruning plants for the yearly blooming. My Paula loved working in our yard. Me not so much, but I will do so to honor her past efforts. And I may get back to the shop too, working on a project or two for school. I have plenty to do but still little drive to do so, especially now. Tomorrow morning at 3:00am in April '13, My Paula passed away. Her memorial service was/is on the 19th. Needless to say, I am quite disturbed by these dates again this week. Ten months isn't long, but an eternity for me. Only you know what is best for you. Do what you need and want to do to try to ease your grief. There are no right or wrong answers. Rest well. Chris