boogieman

As the time is shortening I find my anxiety rising exponentially with each passing hour towards 3:00am tomorrow morning. Haven't been able to sleep, or even think of anything else. Stomach tied in knots from stress and anxiety. Haven't been able to eat today. Extreme headache. Aspirins don't help at all. Blood pressure up again. No idea what to do but wait-it-out if possible. Not sure I can do it again as I am falling apart.

No, not blaming, but certainly suffering from the reality of the decisions I proudly made on My Paula's behalf. I would do the same again for My Love. Eleven months later it is still so fresh, so raw, so painful.

Hard day so far today. Eleven months ago, this afternoon, I asked for Hospice Care for My Paula. Realizing the implications of that invocation I was sworn to take matters in hand for My Paula's sake as she and I agreed. Now I am completely stressed and on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack because of that fateful decision. I know I acted in My Paula's best interest but suffer the consequences of having to do so. I miss you so, My Love.

I would love to read again but my lack of concentration and my tire old eyes prohibit that. I tried drawing earlier but could not see well enough for what I was doing. I spent the rest of the day outside and in my shop. Didn't get much accomplished though. I kept returning to the week at hand and missing My Paula. Going to be another long lonely night.

Didn't sleep much last night. Awoke with a headache and upset stomach. Tense and edgy so far today. Trying to relax but a pointless effort.

The two grand-children living in the area are "involved" in new relationships that have little to do with me, of course. Remembering how it was with My Paula and me in the beginning, I fully understand. The all-consuming heat of passion is theirs to share and explore. I envy them for what their futures can be, having once been where they are with My Paula. Let's leave it at No, they are otherwise occupied. Besides, each and every day has it's own life and memories. The night of the 15th through the morning of the 16th, is a nightmare in and of itself. So choosing one or two specifically is pointless. They all are hard. As usual I will try to weather this storm alone. I know I won't be fit company this next week anyway. Should the need arise I can touch-base with my friend Nick. He "gets it". And all my friends here are supportive should I need, and I probably will. So begins the last up-all-night saga 11 months ago with My Dear Paula. Right now, what hurts most is the fact I couldn't do anything to help her overcome the impending resolution to her condition. My heart aches for her and all that she has missed, not me. Tears again. i will check back later.

Trying to do just that. Knowing and doing are very different issues. For example, my BP is up to 150 over 92 today where it is normally 120's over low 80's. Very good given my age. I check it daily. Anticipation, anxiety, and angst. Emily is in San Antonio for her realty business this week and Greg is putting in 70+ hour weeks and out of town too. Great timing all around.

I have to wait just another 24 hours before the " Week of Hell" begins tomorrow. 11 months ago My Paula was admitted to the hospital for the final time. Today is the last day we were able to be home together. I will never be comfortable the week on the 13th - 19th any month. I am feeling the anxiety rising as I write. Blood pressure up too.

Where to begin today. This past week I was fortunate to be exposed to three events/situations that I have yet to fully digest and understand. During My Paula's last days in the hospital there were several pictures taken that I have no recollection of. Emily and Bobbie had them and were reluctant to show me for fear that I would react negatively. They came up in conversation and I needed to expose myself to that terrible time again. It was time to look at that time from a perspective of time. Seeing these for the first time this week was a mixed bag of emotions. Instead of falling apart I saw the essence of our oh so loving, caring, personal relationship. In all of the pics I was right there next to My Paula, being close, holding her hand, looking on with loving care as she faced her final days. Not alone at all for even one minute of those final days. We faced and endured even this together. I am so very proud of having the opportunity to be there with and for My Paula, the love of my life.. Several more of My Paula in peaceful, hopefully, serenity taken on that last full day, Monday. Several from the later morning of the 16th after My Paula had passed. The abject trauma captured. The grief and agony of those horrific hours plain to see. And the knowledge that My Paula did not have to endure her pain and suffering any longer. My personal vow to not allow her pain to continue for any longer than necessary fulfilled. The heartbreaking realization that the best part of me was now gone. And one final one of My Paula's remains as she was gone. Engulfed by peace never to have to suffer again. Several more taken later at the private viewing at the Funeral home that I have little recollection of. Several more of the family gathered to pay respects to My Paula, Momz, Mamaw, before the memorial service. Several at the service of the multiple pictures, mementos, and the out-pouring of respect through the flowers and plants in her honor. The largest chapel filled to overflowing with those whose lives My Paula had touched. Being so laser focused on My Paula, I had no real idea how greatly she impacted and influenced so very many souls. Several ladies there with their children. My Paula had baby-sat the mothers when they were children. That was 40+ years or so in the past yet they were there for My Paula. Secondly, I have been approached by the assistant instructor in class. A very spiritual person I have come to realize. He has reached out to me on several occasions to offer support and understanding. In the course of our conversations I came to asking multiple rhetorical questions. Trying to answer as best he could and trying to explain a broader view of spirituality only led to more questions. Finally he said..."Stop thinking so much. Stop over-analyzing ever detail. Relax and let the answers you seek come to you as they will. And they will. Seek one answer for one question at a time. You will get your answer". I did and the answer did come. I asked My Paula to show me a definite sign that she was still here watching over me and waiting for me to join her. In our bedroom the ceiling fan and light are operated by pull chains and a switch on the wall. We never used the switch, only the pull chains. We never used the switch. That night as I went to bed I noticed the fan was not on. I know I did not turn it off as it runs 24/7 to ventilate and circulate the fresh air from the always open window above our bed. I knew instantly the switch had been turned off. Checking, sure enough the switch was off. We never used the switch, ever. No one has access to our house and I did not flip the switch so My Paula had to be responsible. It certainly got my attention and was the definite answer to my question. My Paula is still here in our home and waiting for me. And lastly, a situation during the final group session Thursday night. Asked to observe a candle lighting ceremony and say a few words about our departed loved ones. Tears all around as we spoke from our hearts. Very solemn and heartwarming. Afterwards we just talked about our loved ones. I commented that My Paula was stronger than I and would probably not have as difficult time coping with my passing as I was with hers. As an after-thought I added..."Well, I hope she would grieve a little anyway". Laughter erupted from all present. What a wonderful surprise! I knew instantly My Paula was pleased at the comment and subsequent joy in the assembly, even if at her expense. I know full well the sensation and warm feeling I get from her at pleasing her. It was apparent and abundant at the very moment. It has been the better part of a week now and I still wonder at the implications of these three events. In one respect I am aware of the trauma of the tragedy and after-effects of My Paula's passing. As if I could ever forget! On the other hand I sense some sort of release and relief, an easing of my angst, and an indeterminate amount of comfort due to the events described above. I feel, somehow more relaxed and not quite so keyed-up all the time. As if a great weight has been lifted from me. Words escape me in this effort to try to relate my experience. Like describing a rainbow. Words fail to convey the beauty and majesty. For me it has been poignant and wonderful. Reality or not I accept it for what it is worth. It is so very real and true for me and that is all that matters. I know more sorrow awaits but hopefully I can deal with it in a better fashion. This not over by any means but for a brief moment I think I saw a faint glimmer of hope. I hope it is hope and not the light of an oncoming train. Here come the tears again. I need to go for now. Thank you for allowing me to share with you all.

By "long term consequences", how would feel or react if your action was the catalyst to seperate him, his wife, and impact their child, destroy their family? How about this causing them undue stress and harder times than otherwise would naturally exist in almost any relationship? I hope you don't have that in mind but it could happen. I have seen it before. And what if he, or they, rightly or wrongly, blame you for that potential destruction? Do you still hope, given that possibility, that he will still turn to you for solice? What if all the above comes to pass? Where do you think you will "fit" in that scenario? Please understand that I am not being critical. By your own admission you have made some really bad choices and decisions in your past. Without interfering or passing judgment, I am simply curious if you gave adequate thought to these types of scenarios and the potential negative back-lash for you. There are two others inocents involved, too, not just you and him. Can you handle another rejection plus the unforseen possibilities? None of us can see the future and others must be considered in bold moves such as yours. If you have considered all this then good for you. If not, I wish the best for you however it unfolds. Forgive my bluntness. I have no intent to offend. I have no idea what "BBS" and "PM" stand for. Sorry

Jenna," we all want what we want when we want it" in some shape or form. I hope you are prepared for the results, either good or bad, of your actions. Only you can decide what is best for you. By sending your letter you have set things in motion with unknown potential long-term consequences. I, we, sincerely hope you can deal with the repercussions. I know first-hand that no matter how the letter were written, that it will be scrutinized carefully including "reading between the lines" with negative interpretations by the reader(s). Surely she knows by now his version of your common past. Human nature will rear it head as his wife will defend "what is her's" despite your seemingly innocuous tone, just as I did with My Paula. In our case my suspicions were proven to be true. I trusted My Paula, but I was right in my feeling that he had an ulterior motive. Rejected certainly, but the hurt came from the unwelcomed, unwanted, unwarranted, unspoken solicitation. Not "preaching", merely offering an observation and perspective based on a real-life scenario.

Thank you Jenna. The fact that you posted belies your comment about "not being very good at offering sympathy".

In our case all three were raised the same. No favorites, no differentiation between them The older two have stayed close to home and in touch as their busy schedules allow. Our youngest is another story. I sense anger and hostility not at all in keeping with his up-bringing and happy persona. Something changed him to make him decide his future was away from the family. I have no clue what that was. The circumstances concerning his mother basically slammed the door on our relationship. I do know how much this hurt his mother and me.

Apparently this condition is more wide-spread than most realize. My heart goes out to all who suffer through this. Including you...

Thank you Kay. If it could be spared I would welcome it. But our children are our children through no want of their own. I know I am far from capable of "fixing" this but I must continue to try. Sometimes the only approach is ..."I am still here. I still love you". By now my frustration with all things is well documented. There is no end to the direction and extent that these continued pains attack. I know you understand that, too. Somehow, I have to be strong for him, if no one else. Such anger and pain is destroying him. He does not yet know that.

Taxes here run $3,000/year. Very good schools and numerous social programs need lots of cash. The only sure way to fail with Bradley is to not try. Guaranteed results. One of us has to be the adult and reach-out. I can deal with the rejection per-se, not the hatred when spoken. Yesterday is the first time I have heard his voice in over 10 months. The month prior to My Paula's passing, she gave up trying to reach Bradley for arrangements to get here before too late. After her final admittance to the hospital, on the Sunday before she passed Tuesday morning at 3:00 am, he finally agreed to come. I told his Mother he was coming. Even through her drug induced coma I felt a sense of relief and release from her. I called him again in the early hours of the 16th to relay the tragic news. They had yet to leave there for here and did not finally arrive until Thursday, the day before her service. In one final display of defiance and disrespect he refused to meet with us as a family at the private final viewing we had arranged. Out of respect to him and My Paula, we left early so he could have that private time with his mother. Then he refused to attend the service the next afternoon. Having come the 2,500 miles to be with her, at our expense, his stubborn pride tainted our final farewell to his mother. Haven't spoken to him since the evening of April 14th, 2013, until yesterday morning. He blames me for his delay in getting here. He had a full month to do so yet it is my fault. I can deal with that as he is our son and forgive-ness is a major facet of My Paula's make-up. I forgive him but get defiance in return. I choose to do all in my power to let him know our door is always open even through repeated insults and rejections. My Paula and I love him un-conditionally and will continue to do so. By your own admission you try to maintain that family connection, too, even if in vain. I know you understand. As a parent how can I not try? Classes are delayed-start for today. I am staying home.

Hard to imagine but it is after 3:15 am and here I sit. My life and time-line is ruined beyond repair. Been doing a lot of soul searching and deep contemplation on the situation at hand. No class tomorrow due to the icy conditions. I even hear thunder off in the distance. More rain and ice coming. "Thunder sleet" it is called. So I stay up due to no obligations until Wednesday, if then. I think I may have finally condensed my lack of direction, my lack of comfort, my lack of "coming to terms" with all this to a few simple emotions. I need My Paula here to love me. Simply love me. I am falling apart without her. Not her memory, just her. Not my idealized image of her, just her. Not a fantasy conjured-up to replace her reality, just her. Not the abject sadness I endure, just her. Not even the "things" I do to try hopelessly to fill her void, just her. Not a joy to be found except in and through her, just her. I seek a way to reconnect with her and be with her, just her. My life empty, hollow, and devoid of "life" without her, just her. I can not be content without her, just her. I can not be happy without her, just her. I can not be whole or complete without her, just her. My life, my world, me existence completely devoted to her, just her. I risked everything once to be with her, my life, my soul, my very being and existence to be with her, just her. My Paula fulfilled my every dream and fantasy, just her. I adored, loved, and worshiped her, just her. I am hopelessly devoted to her, just her I have been ever faithful to her, forsaking all others for her, just her. I would have given my life, even prayed for such, to save her, just her. Now I am expected to continue without her, just her? I do not see or comprehend how to do so without her, just her. I need nothing more than her, just her.

After my posting earlier I checked the texts on my tablet. There was a short cryptic one from Jennifer, Bradley's wife. And I quote: "My dad passed. Can't talk now" I tried calling again but went directly to voice mail. I left a message of condolence but have no reason to believe it was or will be received in the spirit it was given. Spent the afternoon at Gregs'. Was warm being surrounded by extended family. It certainly saddened me to know My Paula and I can no longer have such experiences. "Alone in a crowd" as it were. Sleeted and snowed all afternoon. As soon as it stopped, 5:45pm, I headed home. Building a roaring fire for My Paula's warmth and delight. She loves a good fire. More sleet/snow forecast for tonight and a low of 13*. Might have to miss school tomorrow depending on the streets. Just what I want, more forced isolation. As to reaching out to Bradley, my emotional state desperately needs his contact. He is our only biological son. I need to be able to comfort him, and he me. But I get the feeling that is not going to happen soon. To curtail that effort might possibly be misconstrued as not caring which I can not allow. He MUST know I will continue in my efforts. Both of us CAN NOT give up! I have been in individual and group counseling with less than stellar success. Sure there have been moments, but not enough long-term success for the time and effort expended. I leave these not having much more direction than before. It must be me and my failure alone. I hear the same suggestions there as offered here. So far not a lot has struck-home with me. I certainly do not want to be so dismissive or contrary to all involved in helping me. What I seek I have yet to find, or even a pathway to what I seek. I can not afford private sessions. I have been forced to set-aside $250/mo to cover the yearly tax liability on our home. Leaves barely enough to cover the basics monthly. But I am not complaining, merely explaining my quandry. With that happy update I retire to the warmth of the fireplace to further contemplate My Paula.

It is cold, icy, windy, and grey today. I did manage a little sleep and some modicum of rest last night. Only to be struck-down again when hoping for a brighter time. I called our youngest son to see how he is progressing following his recent medical emergency and how and if the surgery went and the follow-up thereafter. Verbatim the conversation: I call. "What?" "Good morning my son" "Goodbye". Click. This sort of animosity not only crushes me, it further demoralizes me to the point of giving up. Through his anger he possibly has no idea the effect on me but he seems to not care. I shudder to think that he is fully aware of the consequences of his actions. And the sheer utter disrespect to his Mother is un-comprehensible. No father loves a son more yet I get his full anger and retribution for issues I have begged forgive-ness for. From my diminished perspective recently, no steps forward, innumerable steps backwards. I just don't have the resolve, strength, desire, or energy to continue in this manner. Life once so bright now a living hell of sadness and loneliness. Where do I go, what do I do, how long must I wait ? All rhetorical as I know there are no answers. Thanks again Fae for your insights and support. Apparently the "veterans" here are stronger than I. Have been invited to Greg and Bobbies' for cake and ice cream in celebration of Greg's 43rd BD. Icy roads and my fragile state of mind say stay home. Maybe I can manage to run off the road on the bridge over the lake between here and there. That will show them won't it! And end my hopeless misery too!

Fae, you have a very distinctive POV. I see, but do not fully understand your perspective. Perhaps I am not so nearly open to accepting the wave-length of life as it ebbs and flows around and through me. Certainly of a lesser, smaller, narrower, mind-set in this regard. I try so diligently to see the positives but for me they are proving to be so very elusive. My strength and resolve to do so is waning. How many times do I run head-long into a brick wall before learning and acknowledging the wall is stronger than I? A crude analogy but reflective of my state-of-mind. I do appreciate you taking your precious time to post such a thoughtful heart-felt open letter to me. Your elevated sense of self-awareness so open and honest. Some of us do not have that, and some of us may never attain that perspective. Thank you again for reaching-out to me. Chris

I appreciate the concern and suggestions, ladies. I sleep when I am too tired to not and that is often too far and between. I try to find anything to ease my troubled mind but very little has any effect. I just can't not think of My Paula when I am not otherwise engaged. Even now, tonight, watching an old movie, I constantly think of her. I was busy in my shop all afternoon. Stopped for a bite of dinner about 7pm. Immediately My Paula came to mind as she always does. I think of her constantly. I am sinking further and further from reality daily. I know it. I feel it. I can't help it. Now alone my life has little meaning. My inspiration for living has been ripped from my heart. I really don't care for or about much at all. Especially myself. In the grand scheme of things, lack of sleep is pretty far down the worry list. I try valiantly to put on a happy face and soldier-on with determination. All in vein. It is all a show. I do what I do because people expect it of me. Given the choice and left to my own devices I would simply withdraw completely from the world. But I do what is expected for others sake and peace of mind, their ease and comfort. I am so completely lost, sad, and lonely I have no real idea what I am doing at any given time or why I do the things I do. Short tempered, sullen, withdrawn, and keeping to myself are the best I can manage most days. No one understands this. No one accepts this. I refuse to get caught-up in the cycle of repeated doctors' routines especially since I can't afford it and choose to not spend what time I have left chasing that elusive "cure". As for sleep, I get it when it comes and my mind and exhausted state allows. Otherwise I have no time or energy for anything but My Paula, or embracing the numbness of her being taken. It is 2:00am. I doubt I will sleep tonight/this early morning until around 3am - 4am, again. Struggling with the emptiness of life without My Paula is all consuming. I have no desire, time, or energy to do anything but constantly grieve deeply for the lives destroyed and lost. Hers, ours, and mine. I try to follow nightly routines. Glass of milk, quiet and dark bedroom, aroma therapy, soothing music, an old boring movie, an aspirin to ease the daily aches and pains, talking to My Paula through our 35+ year nightly affirmations, prayer, even working hard to tire myself out during the day so I can possible be tired enough to sleep. None of this works to any extent. I lay awake tired, I sleep little, rest even less, wake up tired, and do it again tomorrow just as the day before. I give up trying and let any of this unfold as it will either with or without me. I will rest once back in the embrace of the love of my life, my life itself, My Paula. If it is "wrong" to love and need, to want someone so desperately, then I am guilty as charged and still hopelessly, passionately in love with My Paula.

Jenna, it took courage to post your letter. Baring one's soul is difficult. I know. I find that writing, or "journaling" helps me express what I have no one else to say these things to. A form of self-therapy I guess. It helps me sort through the tumult and try to figure things out in my mind. At least I organize the chaos somewhat. I write copiously every day sharing that which can not be spoken aloud. I "talk" to My Paula in this manner. Not even close to the same as talking to her, but the only option available. Think about it, please.

Had another rough night being awake at 4am. Finally collapsing from exhaustion sometime after then. Awake by 9:15. Not a lot of rest though. I am feeling the effects of very little rest. I did have a wonderful dream visitation from My Paula. Real or not, I needed that. So one final day to get things straight outside before rain and storms with 20+* weather arrives later tonight and tomorrow. Then cold through Wednesday again.

going on 3am again. cant sleep Crying for My Paula. Completely drained and exhausted. But no sleep. This has to end.

Thank you, Mary. Don't know if this will help but I am willing to offer what little I know.