boogieman

Full blown phobia for me. No way am I going to be conscious during a procedure. I have had needles broken-off in my flesh from tensing up so greatly. No anesthetic, no dice.

Thank you Fae. I am not angry. I am hurting. I just would like something concerning my inner life to bet better, to have the smallest thing turn out like I would like it to. Going on 14 months since My Love passed and I am still not able to function to any level I can consider acceptable. No matter what I do, or where I may turn, or that which comes my way, in no way diminishes the burden and loneliness of missing My Love in the extreme. I have no one to talk to because I don't really have anything else to say. I have said it all before more times than I can recount but nothing changes. I have poured this out in 1800 pages of journals with no relief. I had hoped our youngest son might come here to live in this great big house to keep me from being so lonely but he already said no before I could propose that to him. In part he reminds me so much of his mother I had hoped that if he were here I could somehow, someday get to a point of at least being begrudgingly accepting of My Loves loss and absence. I see now that that isn't going to happen. I miss her so much. I still wander around the house and yard hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Repeated wanderings have been nothing more than my efforts to ease my troubled soul. These don't help as I grow weary and delusioned from the constant searching to only find myself completely alone again. That breaks my heart even further as the realization hits me again. Yet I continue to search. A valid definition of "crazy" is to repeat a known action expecting a different results. My results are always the same. My Love is not here and I am completely alone. In effect the sleep aids I want are a plaint in the maelstrom for help. Help I can't find. A guaranteed escape for even a few hours from the sadness, sorrow, and loneliness I live with daily, hourly. I need, want, to be sedated not induced. Yes, that's it, a complete escape from this haunting reality. A fleeting moment of complete serenity away from this continuous torment.

No particular reason to not. I wanted a legitimate sleep scrip with better chances it would work. Not so much into hopefuls. I don't like taking anything anyway except aspirin for my aches and pains. The Benadryl wasn't prescribed. It was suggested. Never heard of or seen a waiver for tests. News to me. I wasn't offered one. I just told them no and left. I really don't want to know what's going on inside anyway, for obvious reasons. Hadn't thought about that conversation with our daughter. She came by briefly last evening and in the course of talking about the situation she didn't mention it. Appreciate the heads-up. I'll ask her if I can pin her down. Very busy making sales. I am very proud of her work ethic. Although her fiancé did text her to arrange a dinner date with her someday soon. Her work day is from 7am till 9pm every day. I do wish I could make her see that time spent away from loved ones is time lost, though. We all learn that the hardest way possible.

I guess I'm just stubborn and hard-headed. I resent this doctor's dismissal of my needs in deference to her medical insurance premiums. Either treat the patients' needs or find another line of work. Don't get me started on the battery of tests scheduled without my consultation.

My friend Nick has suggested I see his dentist who works with him on payments. Nick is retired, on SS, and no insurance too. I am trying to coordinate this expense with school starting next week and my need to travel to Mass. to see our son. Clinics don't usually do full anesthetics' which I have to have or I wont go. Ironically, our daughter managed a chain of dental clinics until this past October when she went full-time into realty. Good move for her as the economy here is booming, but not so good for me. They are very upscale and I cant afford to go there without her employment courtesies She was telling me earlier that she has 12 houses in closing now, another 15 under contract pending closure, and 15 others looking to buy as a house becomes available. The house across the street from me sold for the asking price in under 2 hours just last week.

I think I will just take my chances sans anything. I suppose it can't get much worse. Last night I finally decided to treat myself to a good meal. Thawed a nice T-bone, seasoned it just so, then on the grill. Third bite I cracked a bicuspid in two from front to rear along the center-line from cap to the root. This morning the gum in that area is swollen and very tender. There's another $1500 I don't have. I have to be fully sedated or I won't have it done. On a more positive note, I was able to talk to our youngest son again last night.

So sorry to hear of your ailments. Seems we all have something one way or another. Good news about rings too. I wear My Paula's pendant on a chain she got me 34 years ago. Keeps her close to my heart. I don't know what to do about sleeping pills. Dr. wont accommodate me. Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Good morning. Despite the highs of the last several days I am feeling very low and drained today. It was good for me to finally re-establish contact with our son. I am happy for our grandson and the newest great grandson. I hope to be helping this other survivor learn to cope with his loss. I did exactly what I told myself to not allow to happen. Out of joy and happiness I have over-extended myself both emotionally and physically. I did manage almost 6 hours of sleep and much needed rest last night. I mowed and edged the yard just before dark and am paying for it now. Back sore, legs hurting and sore, hands swollen to the point where my rings are very tight on my fingers and hurting. Headache. Emotionally drained from the excitement of it all. It is easy to become drained when there isn't much in the way of reserves to begin with. Don't fault me but I feel that fleeting time spent on the worldly aspects takes me away from my devotion to and time shared with My Paula and that bothers me greatly. I know it isn't logical, but so little of this existence is logical anyway. To paraphrase the Bible, I am in this world but not part of this world now. I am slowly becoming more withdrawn and reclusive daily. I still want and need more than anything else to be with My Love. Everything else is fleeting and transcendental.

Thank you for the undeserved accolades, Marty. Far from being so magnanimous, I see our conversations as therapeutic for me, too. I don't set my pain aside, I sift through the ashes looking for my own answers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It states very plainly on my paperwork the reason for my visit was "not sleeping". I want and need more than an OTC solution. That is why I went. Medicare might pick-up the majority of the testing costs but I have no other coverage. Additional monies spent on me by me for me is a rabbit hole I do not want to enter. I fail to understand why the medical profession sometimes fails to address patients needs. I ran across this several times in the years I cared for My Paula and I let them know it. Please do as I ask and need, not what you want to do instead. The prospects of 90 more days without enough sleep or rest I can do without the doctor. Has been a very emotional and eventful 24 hours. Besides the new great grand son, I got a call last night after 13 months from our youngest son. Needless to say I was and still am pleased, humbled, stunned, and reeling, from his contact. Apologies and fence mending all around. They even went so far as to invite me there for a visit. Humbling, very humbling. I love him so very much. I met a man on-line still grieving deeply after 6 weeks, the loss of his wife of 21 years. I am trying to help him to the best of my abilities. Takes a lot out of me to do so but he needs the help. I have invited him to join us here if that is acceptable. Life for me has taken a decidedly sharp turn. I was not prepared for this flood of emotions in my weakened diminished state. I am trying to assimilate it all and take it all in. This is a lot to deal with in such a short time frame. Highs and lows, extremes of emotions. Just like in real life.

Just now got word and pictures of our 4th great-grandchild, a boy. Two of each now. Mother, proud daddy, (our grand son the Army Ranger), and baby all healthy and well. Will get to see them all once before they are assigned to and report for duty in Anchorage, Alaska the end of August.

Well, this should come as no surprise. Certainly didn't to me. For my insomnia, I am told, not prescribed, to take a teaspoon of Benadryl OTC nightly for 90 days. If that doesn't work they will see about something a little stronger. I could have gotten the same suggestion from any number of Pharmacists and not had to have made an appointment and drive to their office. You see why I don't go to the doctor for anything? Government health care at its finest. I am so dismayed by this I forgot to mention the complete blood panel work-up, a colonoscopy, a cholesterol screening, an age 65+ pneumonia inoculation, and a possible very mild anti-depressant. I was directed to their lab to have all these scheduled and performed. I do not question the validity of these but to set-it-all up before checking with me is offensive and dismissive. Their facility stands to make a profit by these tests at the expense of my insurance while at the same time dismissing the reason for my visit.

Thank you ladies. Have an appointment at 1:30 today. Last night still awake at 2:45 to 3:00 am and fully awake before 6:30 am.

I can't take any more of these sleepless nights. I am up until 3:30 to 4:30 every night (or morning). Sleep for a few hours then awake again. I have to see the Dr., ASAP, hopefully tomorrow. What is the absolute strongest sleep meds available. I will insist on getting the strongest when I know what to demand.

Maybe #7 was intentionally left out, never written, just to cause us to fill-in-the-blank so to speak as each of us has a similar yet unique perspective. Clever ploy if so because we are all now pondering just that are we not.

Thank you for the article, Marti. Certainly food for thought. Very curious about #7. Heidi, If you discover the means to invoke a heart attack through sheer will-power, please let me know before you try it in case it works. "Dodgy Prawns" not withstanding. I love that. KayC, does your group make cleaning pilgrimages as far as Texas? Sincere condolences and best wishes for your friend.

Hard days ahead, Ladies. Does it really ever get a whole lot better, or do we simply learn to accept that which we have no control over?

Hope you had an uneventful trip and made it home safely, Heidi. Here it is over 13 months later and I still can not part with My Paula's personal belongings. Her clothes still hang in our closet. Her drawers in the dresser are just as she left them. Her jewelry is still in her jewelry box on the dresser and in another container on the bathroom counter-top. Coats and sweaters still waiting for her in the spare bedroom closet and the entry hall closet. I know that someone could make use of these items, but I need these personal items where they are, for her. This is our home. I need her to know where she belongs and is always welcome here. What better means to convey that than to have all her possessions just as she left them. I sleep across our bed now. My head laying on her pillows. I keep the pantry and linen closets in exactly the same order she arranged things. For me this continuity and order is comforting and hopefully pleasing to her. I surmise it is because My Love comes to visit me fairly regularly, as recently as yesterday morning. Her visitations have taken on a more personal nature, not just the door-bell ringing. That too, but more-so now into our personal private area. Some scoff at my revealing these visits so I keep them private too. I express my thanks and gratitude in my daily journal so My Love can see and hear my heart-felt appreciation and longing for her. I pray daily, and especially at night, for the release from this torturous existence, to be allowed to be with My Love again. Maintaining as closely as possible the routines of day-to-day life is comforting and rewarding for me. I still choose to believe that My Paula is away for a few days and will be back home soon. Otherwise I would go crazy. Loving My Paula is the easiest thing I have ever done. Missing her the worst.

Heidi, I/we do understand about the continuing pain and heart-ache. I my case I have come to realize it will be my constant companion. Learning to manage around it is the best I can hope for. As painful as it may be, certain things need to be addressed, such as your camper. This past summer I had to sell My Paula's vehicle. I too needed the money. Now in hind-sight I recognize the negative connection and emotions that object evoked. As painful as that was, and needing the money, I had to let it go. Now I still have fond memories but not the constant reminder. It is just a "thing" and things are temporary at best. My memories are forever. We need to do the things we do to clear out the clutter so our attention and focus can be directed to much more important matters. As dear as those objects may be, there is freedom and a certain kind of relief as we let them go. A very small step in reconciling the life we have left. Believe it or not, this is a small victory and small step you take. Good for you, my friend. Take heart in the fond memories shared with family and your Robert. Here in Texas it is over 1,200 miles from north to south and almost 1,400 miles east to west. There is a highway loop around Dallas that is almost 350 miles around. And another loop being built even further out that will be about 700 miles around. You are right. 200 miles is nothing by comparison. From one survivor to another I think you are doing as well as can be expected. Take one issue at a time and deal with it as you and Robert see fitting and proper when the time is right. Makes it easier to remember the important issues when the clutter is removed. Just as you, I want nothing to hinder my being with My Love. Letting go of material things is a small step in that direction.

Thank you Heidi. Beautiful and well spoken. A nice positive note to end the day with. That is exactly how I hold My Paula. Close to my heart. Chris

Thank you for understanding, Ladies. Today has been peaceful and serene. I was outside watching our Bluebirds do what they do. Saw a beautiful Cardinal, or Redbird, too. Doves, lots of Doves. Cooing to each other. And the squirrels. And the two pairs of woodpeckers nesting in a hollow branch of the backyard tree. The yard and the new plantings, the clean-up effort, and the light but muggy breezes call to mind many wonderful hours spent in the company of My Love doing exactly the same. She appreciated the efforts invested into the yard and her gardens. I appreciate her for that. For today anyway, My Paula and I are in total harmony. I am quite sure she is pleased with where I am emotionally. And isn't that all that matters?

KayC and Mary, for me this is still a very delicate balancing act. I do not choose to hang on so tenaciously to the pain and attending emotions therein. But I do need to continue to try to hang on to that which I feel is still so very important to me, at least for now. Perhaps a veil will lift, maybe not. As my grief counselor once stated the process, we "move forward" one step at a time. If in that movement the sense of adjusting is too great we can step back and reassess. Or we can step back and reassess first. If a level of comfort is there we can stay there for as long as needed and take more positive steps if and when the timing is right. I have come to accept this premise as this is exactly what I have been doing in trying to make headway and sense of my circumstances. The constant mental forwards and backwards movement is the buffer to insulate and isolate us from the devastation experienced and my ability to cope with it. So the necessary constant emotional highs and lows are now very clear to and for me regarding the why and how of my emotional fluxations. For example, I was still awake at 4:00am this morning. Falling asleep from sheer exhaustion, I woke at 10:00am feeling rested and able to face this day. I truly believe that My Paula came to me and granted me peace, indicating to me, that she agrees and supports my mind-set, the balance, at that particular moment. Tonight and tomorrow may be completely different. This may be simplistic, even naïve, but it works for me. So far today I have a sense of not needing to cling so desperately. This can certainly change as I continue to hold on to what I consider so very important to me. As long as My Love is held at a particular place and level in my daily life, she is pleased and that pleases me. As my brother stated in My Loves Memorial service, he " watched for 35 years as My Paula loved most of the hard sharp edges from me". Now I must allow that process to continue at a pace that is acceptable to and comfortable for us. I will most certainly allow My Love to continue to mold and shape me, to " love more of the hard sharp edges from me" at our pace and my level of understanding and acceptance. I realize now, for me, the times of most intense pain and agony are when I move away from My Love too quickly. As long as I stay in one particular place and state of mind, My Paula is there to the fullest extent possible, and we are in agreement as she imparts a level of acceptance and understanding regarding my mental state. I choose to accommodate My Love in a place where we are of like minds even now, and hopefully until we are together again, soon I pray. As for my personal joy, it is inconsequential as long as My Love and I are comfortable in our common mind-sets. just like our 35 years together here. I trust in and rely on her judgments implicitly. I can no more move away from her than I can change the tides. I gladly allow her to influence, guide and lead me as she sees fitting, proper, and acceptable to us both. That is how we were together and I can not, will not, change that now. My Love knows best how to tend to and nurture me. I miss My Love so very greatly.

Heidi, I do appreciate your British phraseology. " ... dodgy prawns..." Paints quite a vivid picture. Quaint. Alone in a crowd, too.

Kayc, I went back and read again your last posting. Perhaps you didn't fully grasp my fumbling effort to explain the un-explainable. Right now the effort for me to manage any particular day or situation requires intentional focus and concentration to achieve whatever the task requires. That intentional effort requires me to divert my attentions to that end and away from My Paula. Dealing with the vagaries of daily existence does not yet come easily for me. Might never be easy again, either. That effort is painful and distracting to me as it places my Paula in a lesser state of importance, in my mind, for that given length of time. You certainly don't have to agree but that is my opinion and position. Perhaps what you accept and have come to terms with is not the same for me as yet. Anything that interferes with my inner need to remain laser focused on My Paula is unacceptable to me. I know she is around. I know she is in my heart. I know we will be together someday, soon I hope. I know she still cares for and watches over me. I understand all the aspects as you and others delineate them. Apparently I have much to experience in this journey and much to learn. What I hope you can understand is that what you see and purport as your truth may not resonate with the same level of acceptance and understanding to and for me as yet, if ever at all. If I am to come to a deeper level of understanding and acceptance I must do it in my own time. Discover the truths hidden from me at a pace I can resolve them. I am very "old school" in that I can't accept everything told to me without first "running it through the wringer", so to speak, to come to my own interpretation and understanding. I appreciate your listening and understanding. Maybe I will get to the place you are, maybe not. In truth, I hope not, for to me, My Paula will not have my full attention and focus. And for me, right now, nothing else matters. Nothing else may ever matter I did get a visit from #1 son and DIL this afternoon. They brought over some plants to set out in My Paula's garden. We got to spend several hours together doing for My Paula that which she so loved doing. We had lunch together and just visited. Now the yard looks so much better, I mowed and edged yesterday, and the garden is all fresh with new plants. I know My Love is pleased. She told me so.

Anne, I do not feel that I have a choice as of yet regarding my holding on so dearly for My Paula's sake. This is preferable for me, now, as I face the uncertain, sad, lonely future. Mary, I do know that someone is almost always here. Outside and family activities have a way of adding, for many, a welcomed distraction and diversion from the solemnity we carry. I understand and wish I had a little of that. Already at 80* and 80% humidity here I remain indoors for the duration. Its OK though, My Paula is here with me.