boogieman

Heidi, despite the clichés, things do get marginally better ever so slowly. The trick is figuring-out what, and how, to do everything without our other half. Long painful trek but if I can do it, so can you. It is well documented here my extreme troubled issues with all this. And yes, you will see Robert in all that you do. Isn't that how it should be? Would you want anything less? Look for him. He is there all around you. The nightmare will temper given time. Be patient. As for me, I am convinced that My Paula is here to continue to guide and support me in whatever area I need that support, that nudge. My Love even managed to drop by again this morning too. She is "the best" isn't she! In that vein I started on outside chores this morning for I know that is what My Paula would have done had she been able. I dug up 5 sapling trees for my daughters yard, cleaned up a huge pile of leaves from last fall that was well on its way to becoming a compost pile, dug up several shrubs that did not survive the winter, cleaned off the patio, sidewalk, my shop, and driveway, got the recycle bin filled and ready for pick-up. A nice days work and the place looks almost as good as My Paula would have wanted it to be. Proud to do this for My Love. As for eating, I have no affinity for it. I have lost about 75 lbs in the past 16-18 months. Feel great physically. I just hope my emotional state can keep up. It is a well established fact that our brains consume the majority of our calories. Grieving kicks that into hyper-drive consuming the majority of energy trying to cope with the issues at hand. Processing that vast amount of new data is quite a big task for us all. But knowing all that certainly does not make it easier does it. In that vein I say eat what you want when you need or want to. It will all be burned up either way just surviving this horrendous ordeal. Strictly my observation and experience, nothing scientific about it. So off I go tending to other matters. Actually feels good to be able to please My Paula in the doing. For My Love. I know it pleases her for me to do things un-asked for, for her. That pleases me, too. Chris

Up all night last night. Class this morning. Napped and rested most of the afternoon. Met with the children to apprise them of my current status and this past weeks events. Nothing to eat today. Not hungry, no appetite at all. Fell asleep in my chair and was wakened by the doorbell at 10:30 pm. Who else could it be but you, My Dear? Yes My Love, I need to go to bed, hopefully to rest tonight. You are so very dear and special to me, too. I have chores to do tomorrow if I am up to them.

Easter indeed. A time of acknowledging the sacrafice made for us by God and his son Jesus. A time of families gathering to celebrate their common bonds and connections. To share communion between themselves. And the rest of us so alone and aching for that special someone who gave our lives such richness and meaning. It breaks my heart to know there are untold multitudes of us who have only memories. Memories that lift, and at the same time, crush our hopes. No doubt the love continues, tempered with the reality of sadness and loneliness. No amount of time can ever begin to overcome that inner emptiness, the aching, longing to be with the one we so deeply love and vested ourselves into. Like Heidi, I acknowledge that I too am so unsure of myself being left to my own devices. My Paula gave me the confidence and self-assuredness, the ease and comfort, to be exactly who I was, and an inspiration to be who she needed me to be. Lacking that muse I struggle daily, hourly, alone with the remains of a life so well shared. Tomorrow the sun will rise. We will go-on about our business in whatever manner possible. The loneliness ever present to influence, color, and taint the outcome. Chris

Thank you Nats for the picture. I like the openness of your memorial. Food for thought. Heidi, for the final 3+ years of our lives together, I was able to spend 24 hours a day in constant care of and communion with My Paula. The abrupt ending to that special time still resonates throughout this life I have left. The hollowness and emptiness palpable. Despite My Love relieving me of the majority of the intensity of the emotional devastation, I remain in a state of shock and disbelief not fully accepting the harsh reality. It is just too much to acknowledge. Perhaps I never will. For to do so is beyond my capability. So I remain in that foggy area between this world's harsh reality, and the one where My Love resides without me. Why can I not join her there, and now? As with you, my thoughts are for My Love. Chris

Heidi, I still pray to be taken quickly. To my dismay, here it is a full year later and I still pray for deliverance. I hope My Paula is not dissapointed in having to wait for me. We belong together. She needs me as greatly as I need her. I wish I knew the answer to why we must wait. Each moment apart is agony. It is ironic how fears disappear after such a devestating loss as ours. I would actually relish the possibility of leaving here to be with My Love tonight. This last year I was so very sure I would go quickly, but no. And you are right, what worse can happen? It is late and I have that recurring headache again. Stress is a terrible issue to deal with.

My heart breaks again while experiencing this difficult day, as I suspected. My Paula is not here. Stymied and frustrated at almost every turn today. Glasses are a small part of this. Do I want to go with the cheapest provider? The yard needs mowing and no English speaking people will do it for payment by check. Oldest son facing back surgery so he is not available to do my yard or his. I have no yard equipment at all. Fire ant colonies and no commercial effective treatment left. No weed killer for the weeds in the yard. Flower beds over-ran with weeds too. Another huge utility bill came today. My phone service provider will not lower the rate. May have to drop it. Cable service sold out to Comcast and might have to change all my emails and log-ins for continued use. Just an all-around crappy day. I miss My Love so.

Thank you QMary and Mary for posting those special pictures. They did my heart good. I have no portraits of My Paula, but do have about a dozen 8" x 10" framed photos all around the house, and my photo album of 175 other 8" x 10" photos for the pleasure of seeing My Love in our home. Each evokes such special tender loving moments shared. Heidi, I still keep the blinds drawn and drapes closed most of the time too. For me it is a means of shutting out the world so My Love and I can be alone. So I can grieve in private. Strange as that sounds it does give me comfort. You do what is best for you and Robert. Absolutely nothing wrong in wanting Robert to be still proud of you. These gestures are not entirely for us, but for our lost loved ones too. I am quite sure he would never be "ashamed" of you no matter the circumstances. My heart and sympathies go out to you and the deep sorrow and grief still so fresh and raw for you. I understand. Re-thinking the idea of the cabinet unit in our bedroom. I think it too isolating as My Paula was very gregarious and loved being in the "midst of things" even if alone. Checking on glasses leaves me perplexed. Prices range from $250-$300 for bargain-basement types to upwards of $1,000 for exams and up-scale frames and lenses. And Medicare covers none of it unless I need and have cataract surgery. Surely there is an affordable middle ground somewhere. Today marks the date of My Love's Memorial Service. Going to be another tough one for me. At least this marks the end of the second most disturbing week of our lives together. "They" say that "time heals all wounds". Not true, but it does insulate us in time from the traumatic events in our past. Even now, after the events of Wednesday morning, I sense a "separation" from that unbearable time one year ago. Perhaps this is partially attributed to My Paula's intercessions. What-ever it may be, I struggle greatly and know I will continue to do so. I do know and acknowledge that without the continuing love and caring from My Love I would not be here today. For that I am, once again, eternally grateful My Love. Chris

Thank you QMary. The hardest part of any endeavor is getting started isn't it. Am having second thoughts on moving My Paula to the bedroom. Might be too isolated for my convenience. You see, I still want and need free access to her. My Paula's remains are in an antique blown glass vase she inherited from her grand-mother. Our daughter and DIL created a very nice shadow box filled with keep-sakes and mementos, too. I will keep them together. The image of the "hat on the portrait" is priceless. My brother in Fayetteville, and my brother who lives in central Texas have both invited me there at my discretion. Not ready yet, but probably need to take them up on the invite sometime.

Heidi, every situation and circumstance is unique and different. As you may know, My Paula stays in some form of contact with me, usually about 2-3 times a week. Usually through ringing the doorbell at totally unexpected hours. But also through dreams and visions. Early Wednesday morning she came to me in the depts of my dispair to rescue me from the action I had taken. My Love told me that I did not need to grieve so very intensely or desperately for her any longer. She relieved me of the obligation to do so with the intensity of before. Of course I will continue to grieve and miss her greatly. Hopefully not to the extreme extent as before. In that vein, she suggested several things I could do to relieve the stress I carry constantly. At present I have her remains on the mantle over the fireplace and many pictures throughout the house. I have wanted to find a nice appropriate sized open or glass shelved cabinet unit so I can place her in an honored place in our bedroom, a place we designed and decorated as our resort-like retreat at the end of a day. Checking today I found just the right style, finish, color, and design, to fit very well with our bedroon furniture. My Paulas vehicle was sold last summer to help our son financially. I drive my truck almost exclusively. I am going to sell our car as it rarely gets used and is in fact a financial burden. I am going to finally have the patio cover replaced that was hail damaged several years ago. I am going to see an optomerist and get the glasses I need badly. I am finally going to sell several of the auto related items I have collected for some extra cash-flow. I am going to have my truck hood and roof repainted. Texas summers are brutal. I am going to find a church to attend. All these items, and several others, have had to be put on-hold the last 4 years while we focusing on My Paula and her treatments. We lived very close to the edge financially for that 4 year period not spending a single penny needlessly to pay for her medical expenses, about $125,000 plus $450/mo for insurance for almost 3 years. Wednesday morning was the culmination of that 4 years of extreme stress and turmoil. My Paula gave me permission to let these negatives go and finally address the needed items around our home, especially designed and remodeled for her. She loves this house, her "nest" as I affectionately refer to it. All this I now see as her plan to reduce the extreme levels of stress I have been subject to these past 4 years. Doing so should certainly allow me to put everything into perspective, including being better able to make the needed adjustments in my life. A life without My Love by my side but patiently waiting for me. I want and need her to be proud of me and how I conduct my myself. I need to be able to hold my head up high and be proud that My love awaits me. As difficult as this all sounds I see the possibilities of a less encumbered life where I can hopefully focus my energies in a more positive manner and begin to cultivate a new extended relationship with My Love unhindered by the trappings of this world. I know, heddy language for me. But My Paula has opened a door for me and I never could tell her "no" in matters of import to her. If she can make the effort to accomodate me, I must try to accomodate her in this matter. Her love and respect are that important to me. You see, I am still passionately in love with My Paula and will always be so. I can do no less than try, can I. I don't know if any of this resonates with anyone but I hope it does somehow. Your present intinsity will not last indefinately. When and how that revelation comes to another is unknowable. In my case, I took extreme drastic measures to reach that state of awareness. I hope to move into that reality with My Loves help and guidance. I know this is far from over, but thanks to My Love, I see a possible way through the darkness. This all very new for me and I have no idea what lies ahead but know I must try for My Paula if for no other reason. I have asked our children to keep our remains together wherever that might be. I can not be apart from My Love, either. Very comforting, isn't it. Chris

Apologies for exaggerating. There has been a certain amount of push-back at the mention of "taking ones life" due to extreme pain. Some deal with issues in a very different manner for many untold and unknown reasons. Some are not as strong as others. Some have different thought processes, right or wrong, that lead to very different conclusions. It will not happen from here again. My Paula did in fact intercede to prevent this occurrence. For that I am truly grateful. She showed me a path to lessen the unbearability of my situation. I began the steps this afternoon.

It is the late morning of the day after. The past 36-48 hours have been torturous. From the depths of despair to the possibility of a means to come to some sort of middle-ground where a balance may exist to allow a continuation. Physically and emotionally beaten-down I am not sure of anything. I am not sure whether to share the gory gruesome details in an effort to shed light on my (our) plight(s) or not. Might be too intense for some, if not most. I remain in a state of despair and unimaginable pain regardless. I fail to comprehend why this is so much more intense than when it actually occurred. I am very far from "alright". If anything, worse than before. I struggle still with what to do, or how to do it, or which way to turn to find the relief my soul cries out for. Willing to incur the disdain and retribution of some here let me add this. It is troublesome and not what most will want to hear or know. If so Stop reading now. [From the depths of despair I made an attempt to end my suffering. Suffice it to say the results are not what I intended. If this gesture marks me as weak or lessens my standing here, so be it. Label me as "weak" and "cowardly" carefully. Most of you have no idea the inner-strength and resolve required to follow-through on such an action. Desperate situations sometimes call for desperate actions. I was ready to accept that release but was denied. There will be no such further action taken. In the moment of finality My Paula interceded. I know it was My Love there with me. My Love, in yet another tender giving of herself, released me of the obligation to grieve so desperately and intensely for her, and allowed a possible means of doing so. ] My heart aches so deeply for My Love I have not yet been able to get past this oh so trying time. Only time will reveal if this is possible for me to accomplish. My fear is that by doing so I take steps to further increase the time, distance, and bond we now share. Desperately wanting to be closer to her, not further removed, if that is the possible outcome in order to survive. I know My Love has nothing but the best intentions for me. The issue is with me, not her suggestion. If I find that later I have "moved away" from her I will be devastated again. I can not allow that. My still broken heart can not withstand that. Hesitant to proceed for fear of diminishing the "now", I am torn between the two. I find that for me, time has no relevance. Nothing exists except right now. What do I do right now? All I can say is that these most difficult of times can be survivable even if through no actions of my own. Maybe the loving care from My Paula has made me one of the "lucky-ones". I gladly accept that gift from My Love. I had set this first anniversary date as a self-imposed deadline to reach some sort of arbitrary conclusion. Foolishness on my part, but there none-the-less. I got an answer. Cautiously I proceed not knowing what to do or how to achieve the goals set out for me by My Love. Finding that balance, if there is one, is the matter before me. I would dearly love to hear from anyone regarding this post, my revelations, and current situation. I will withstand your wrath and scorning if need be in order to talk to someone, anyone. I am open to comments and questions if need be. In a side note, I did hear from our children earlier in the week, one of my brothers, and Lisa, my counselor called with support too. I know people care but that is just not enough, sometimes, to overcome the inner demons. Hang in there Heidi. Difficult but possible. Trust me. Thank you all for your generous support going into this most difficult period. Chris

Heidi, your feelings are not crazy at all. I still feel exactly the same for My Paula, if not more so, than I ever have before. Sadly, but now a year later, I begin to more fully appreciate all the little things she did for me and the wonder of our shared companionship. How very special she was to and for me. And me for her. I will sorely miss that until we can be together again. Each day, each hour, every moment without My Love is excruciating. I do have one what I consider a positive in that My Paula chose to be cremated, as I choose too. At present she is in a place of honor on the mantle above the fireplace we both dearly enjoyed. Nothing better than a cold night spent in the warmth of that fire and each other. A rare cold front for so late in the year here in Texas (temps in the low 30's) prompted me to build a big roaring fire which we shared. Maybe the last this season. How fitting for us, given these special poignant dates. I stayed up late to enjoy the peace, solitude, and the pleasure of My Love as we shared again that which we so cherished. That being at home, alone, lost in each other. Given time I pray the same for you and your Robert. In a side note, I feel that he and I could have been good friends given the opportunity.

Hello again Heidi. Trust me when I say,.."been there, done that". We all have. I recall the gathering after My Love's Memorial Service last April 19th. Talking to family, friends, and well-wishers, I noticed My Paula was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps she isn't feeling well. Not finding her after an extensive search of the house and property, it dawned on me why I could not find her and the reason for the house-full of people. I collapsed into uncontrollable sorrow and tears and went to our bedroom so I could cry for My Love. She was not there either. This is but one of many such occurrences. Even now, one year later, I cry for My Paula, especially today, tonight and early tomorrow morning, the hour of my loosing My Love, My Paula, my life. I prayed once again last night for an end to this horror but woke anyway. I know you understand my plight and I yours'. Talk to me.

Heidi, how considerate of you to support me in your great pain and unrest. I appreciate it greatly. I support you also, having been through, and am going through, that which you now face alone. Speaking from a fresh perspective I know my heart is broken too and can never be whole again until I am with My Paula once again. I made a vow to My Paula that I would not let her suffer one second longer than absolutely necessary. I proudly honored My Love and that vow by doing what I know My Paula wanted, needed. The extreme sacrifice on my part eased her pain but at a huge price for me. I had reassured her that I could and would be alright as I am a strong person. Foolishness on my part as the devastation of being without the "Love of My Life" crushed me almost immediately. The ensuing year has been nothing less than sheer torture and hell-on-earth. Totally unprepared for the pain, heartache, un-controllable crying, and abject loneliness have left me a mere shell of my former self. A person I do not recognize nor have any fondness for or connection with. I do not recognize the sad, broken, and lonely person looking back at me in the mirror. After the Memorial Service for My Love, I commented "that life would be so much less without My Paula". More prophetic words have never been spoken. From the soaring heights of loving companionship and complete dedication to each other to the depths of the deepest personal agony imaginable almost instantly. And it continues to this day. I too have had to accept that I am broken beyond repair and nothing in this life will ever overcome that. I acknowledge fully that to this day I have not, can not, will not, fully accept the loss of My Paula as the pain is too great to bear. Only in the arms and continued presence of My Love will I find the peace we once shared. I ponder the nobility of continuing on in such a wretched state of existence. Praying for relief and an avenue to My Paula have produced nothing. So I consider the possibilities of implementing that action for the sake of all involved. For me it comes down to two questions: Am I strong enough to resist that temptation and "carry-on" in this state, or, Am I strong enough to follow through and be with My Love now, not later? These are dark troubling questions but I have been driven, forced, into a position of considering both. I assume that most feel this at least occasionally, maybe not. If nothing else, putting the alternatives out into public space allows me the opportunity to see them from a different possibly more objective perspective. I just do not know and am desperately seeking answers. If this is all to intense for some, my apologies. Perhaps I verbalize that which most are reluctant to face. Life's big questions deserve to be addressed do they not? There again, I do not know. I do not advocate any position in my search for what is best for me. Who can better make that determination than I? I made another vow that I would give this new life a chance to see what it might bear. It has been one year and I find it completely un-acceptable. Now the time has come to make the most important decision of my life. I have no idea what that will be at present. Heidi, I do hope you someday find your peace and place of acceptance with Robert. I continue to support you through the coming events facing you. Be strong, but above all else, be true to what is in your heart. Chris

Greetings to all. As the hour of the beginning of "My Week of Hell" rapidly approaches I find myself retreating into my own personal protected space hidden from view by massive impenetrable bulwarks and defenses. No on can get in so I can deal with that which I must deal with in solitude and away from curious pitying eyes. This is my struggle, my private battle with myself, to try to get a grasp on the fundamental reality of the horror, the solitude, and utter loneliness of this "new normal". Tomorrow is the beginning of the culmination of events that sent us to the hospital and ultimately into Hospice care. Hopelessly inadequate home care through the 12th,Hospital on the 13th, Hospice care on the 14th. The devastatingly accurate prognosis of the time line from the oncologist on the 14th and 15th, My Paula succumbing to her condition on the morning of the 16th at 3:00am. I feel myself reeling under the intense pressure of the coming events, reliving in techno-color on the one year date of these final events beyond our control. As I plainly stated here, to my counselor, and my children, I have absolutely no idea what may or may not transpire as the fateful hours grind to their ultimate unchanging conclusion. Ironically I have found myself tying -up several loose-ends here. Things needing addressing but ignored or postponed by me. Is it preparation for some unforeseeable situation, or my mind trying desperately to occupy itself? I certainly do not know or understand this any more than I understand and accept the events from last April. I have decided to post here, possibly for the last time, as the weight of the world crashes in on me starting tomorrow night. As I said, not planning to do or not do anything but my thought processes are severely compromised and becoming ever more so. Heidi, I do completely understand your situation. My heart and deepest sympathies go out to you. With all due respect to the longer lived survivors here, in my particular case, things have not gotten "better" in the ensuing year. If anything it is now that the barbs of the spear that pierced my heart and life are tearing my flesh as the spear is unmercifully thrust deeper and then pulled partially out only to be thrust in deeper, repeatedly. I too pray every night to be allowed to join My Love. "Trapped here" is very apropos. Forgive me for reliving my personal agony here. I have no one else. My one friend, Nick, knows and understands completely my plight. I can not continue to over-burden him with all this. He is my friend and I love him to much to do so. The same standard applies to our children. They do not need to know the anguish I suffer in. I have just a few more details to attend to tomorrow if I find the strength to do so. I only managed 1-1/2 hours sleep last night, probably less tonight, and none tomorrow night, just as it was last April on the same dates. Ironic but I can't remember what I had for lunch today, if anything, but can recall in vivid details the trauma that befell My Paula and me and ruined our lives. I see the demons licking their lips and eagerly rubbing their hands together in eager anticipation of the coming week.

A personal note to Jenna2. With all due respect I am uncomfortable starting a personal dialog off this site, especially now. The 13th through the 19th is "My Week From Hell" culminating on the 16th, the day of My Loves passing. Although I appreciate the gesture I am still madly in love with My Paula and can not make any arrangements that might potentially betray the trust and bond we developed and shared over our 35 years together in blissful harmony. If I am over-reacting, I apologize and ask you to consider my situation. If that is "old fashioned" then I remain a gentleman wanting to avoid any appearance of impropriety. My Paula deserves nothing less than my continued best efforts and full respect. In my humble eyes we are still married and shall passionately remain so. Should you wish to maintain contact through this forum I am available as my troubled circumstances will allow. Did you receive a reply to the letter you sent?

I understand about hoping the nightmare will end.

So sorry to hear of your great loss, Heidi. Personally having lived through that hell almost one year ago myself. Believe me when I tell you I do understand. Thank you for posting here. Again, I know how extremely hard doing so is. I still struggle daily with the loss of My Love, My Paula. Finding that one true love is so very special isn't it. So very few of us have the opportunity to experience the blissful serenity of such a miraculous unity with that one special person. To have loved so greatly results in unimaginable great pain for those of us left behind. Up to a point I must disagree with the status-quo expressed here, realizing that words fail completely in expressing the angst and extended agony befalling us. In my opinion, things have not gotten better but they surely are different. The heart wrenching agony has not abated, but we learn how to cope and adjust. It is all by trial-and-error until we find something, anything, that helps even the slightest amount. Since each of us must make this long walk alone, each of us has to cope differently. From that perspective your experience will be different from anyone else's. The general advice is well intended, and you like the rest of us, must find our own way at our own pace. Your heart wrenching story differs from all of ours only in the details. We all put ourselves completely into our love's care only to have to stand-by helplessly as their demise becomes imminent. I do so wish it wasn't so but that truth remains and becomes part of each of our lives stories. What and how we respond to such a deep trauma is the question we face, daily. In my case I found that "pushing" the situation along only leads to more frustration. For me simply allowing the situation to unfold as it inevitably will was/is the best means of coping. Deal with what must be dealt with today only. The rest will be waiting when you are up to dealing with it. In closing let me say definitively that being able to come here has helped me through the darkest days of my life. You feel what you feel and expressing such is an outlet not to be ignored. When, and if, friends and family fail to understand, these caring souls here are willing to offer an ear and encouragement as needed. Thank you all for the continued kind words of understanding. Now I begin to understand the meaning of "a debt of gratitude that I am unable to repay". That not withstanding, I will have to wait and see what next week brings. I know just how tentative my grasp is and I could snap under the unrelenting pressure of the enormous weight of the burden I carry. Chris

Thank you, Jenna. I have been thinking very deeply about the coming one year events. They start next Sunday. That means I have only one week to get prepared. As I have not managed to get prepared for a single day for almost 12 months I see no hope of doing so in the coming week. A long thoughtful assessment leaves me quite unsettled. I have tried repeatedly to get our children to stay in better contact with me. My efforts toward them seem to fall on deaf unresponsive ears. Several more overtures to our son in Mass. have proved fruitless. He will not talk to me. Period. Contact efforts with the grand-children get no replies or responses. My 3 brothers are non-commutative towards me. My Mother has age (86) related issues that preclude much contact. She lives out of town. I can't afford a bigger gas bill than I currently have, she has memory issues, and is partially deaf. My Paula's mother and sister live across the street. I have given-up on interaction with them. Overtures on my part produce no reciprocal contact. The youngest sister I have not seen nor heard from since Christmas. The sister My Paula basically raised from age 4 through high-school, that lived with us for a short period, that relied on us for advice and monetary issues for years. Since Group counseling ended I have had no word from the counselor, about 2 months now. The only person I can rely on is my friend Nick. He lives close and we talk by phone almost daily. I have invited him over on numerous occasions but if he comes by it is only for a brief drop-in visit between other stops for him. I guess he is uncomfortable being here, too. So the prognosis is bleak at best. There is basically no one to rely on or count on for much of anything of substance. No family member calls, no one comes by, no one texts, no one checks on me. I am reluctantly having to face the truth that I am completely alone and very lonely. I am learning to adjust to this but resisting every single second of it. My eyesight is failing rapidly and have no extra money for glasses. The tinnitus is getting worse. I still have no appetite and eat maybe once a day if I remember. My circadian clock has yet to adjust. I am awake most mornings until 2:30 - 3:00 am. There are nights, regularly, when I still don't sleep. There are nights I still cry myself to sleep, if at all. I have tried hobby-ish pursuits but lose focus, drive, and energy rather quickly. My blood pressure still fluctuates wildly from day to day, from low 100's over 60's to 150's over 120's. Doctor says he can do nothing to regulate it except to lower it but it gets too low at times for that. It is time to start having the yard done regularly. I can't afford to pay for this service ($25 -$30/wk) and our oldest son is unavailable due to his extremely heavy work schedule. My frustration flash-point is so extremely low I have to watch myself very carefully so as to not explode needlessly on the unsuspecting potential victim. I attended a funeral service this past Thursday. My brothers MIL passed away, married for 68 years, leaving her 89yo husband alone. They had been in a full-time care facility, apart, for many years. My thought was this: what was the point of them being there, apart, each basically unaware of the other, with him now there alone for an undetermined time? They did not interact or have even a semblance of lives except through existing, day after lonely day. Where was the purpose, the joy, the nobility in such an existence? My heart went out to him as I softly cried for My Paula. I find I am missing My Love, My Paula, more now than ever before. Is it any small wonder my thoughts continually turn to being with her? Especially now coming up to the first anniversary of her passing? Last month was almost unbearable and I imagine this month will be worse, if not completely unbearable. I envision us being together, doing the loving things and gesture lovers make and do for each other. When I dream, which is seldom, I dream of us being together, enjoying the warmth of each others company. I can not begin to express just how deeply I miss and need that warmth of My Paula's' companionship. Through the very nature of her visits to me, I know she feels exactly the same. I look at My Loves' personal possessions and still can not make myself address any of that. It hurts too much because that action is to admit and face the fact that My Paula is gone. I live in a state of perpetual limbo and hazy cloudiness not having any idea what to do or which way to turn. My Paula still comes to me about twice a week or so. As wonderful as this is, in a certain sense, it just highlights how alone I truly am and reinforces my desire to be with her all the time, not for just a few fleeting moments weekly. I know My Paula needs me and loves me as greatly as I love her. She needs me there to protect her, to comfort her, to share our lives together, to cherish her, to adore her, to worship her, to fulfill my vow to her to love her, and her only, to the exclusion of all others. She needs me there with her to better look after me, tend to me, take care of me, to continue to make her happy. In our symbiotic relationship, each got more back than that which was put in. And we both put-in a great deal. A life-time of giving, each to the other, is not to be ignored, dismissed, or denigrated.. I have prayed for some sort of intervention, some sign, something of substance, to ease my eternally troubled mind and soul to no avail. Several months ago I set an arbitrary deadline of this coming 16th to bring all this to some solution. Since nothing has arisen to change my outlook, I will just have to wait until then. I can not, right now, justify continuing down this particular path of abject loneliness and diminishing returns. Ultimately, we all leave this existence exactly like we came into it, alone. Even though I was there with My Love until the very end, she ultimately had to face her fate alone. I could do nothing but attend to her, helplessly. I, for one, given the facts above, can not see much point in continuing this struggle against a conclusion I know I can not defeat or overcome. Postponement is simply a delay tactic when the outcome is inevitable. Please consider that I have given this an inordinate amount of thought and soul searching. It has pre-occupied most of my energy for almost 12 months now. Just as we threw-out convention and prejudice when we started our journey together, I am fully capable of doing so again when My Love, My Paula is the reward waiting for me. This journey is by no means over and I need to be with her to take the first steps on the rest of this grand adventure, together. Just to be perfectly clear, I AM NOT PLANNING TO DO OR NOT DO ANYTHING. I am still so disturbed by these circumstances I have no way to say anything for certain. But these thoughts still lurk in the corners of my lonely aching heart and broken life. Peace to you all, my friends.

Didn't sleep well due to my back hurting. Prevented me from getting comfortable. Subsequently, I was up at 6:30, and off to school by 7:30. I have had a standing invitation with Greg to treat him to lunch as his office is within a mile of school. Still waiting. Waiting for months. No messages on the phones, nor a word on the texting device (tablet) they gave me for contact purposes. So I ask myself, "Why Bother"? Had no lunch today and a couple of biscuits and gravy for dinner. Still have no appetite and that is waning. As I stated earlier, looks like the mundane banality of "life" is settling in. I hate it!

I did tell each of them, seperately and individually, just exactly that. The response was to say each thought the other would take care of it. Except Chrissie, the recovering grand-daughter, but I will when she is up to hearing it. Because of need and frustration due to no help when I need it, I spent 10 hours over the last two days making repairs on my truck by myself. In the process I re-injured my lower back ( recurring pinched nerve) and am very sore and hurting. It had to be done before cold and rain sets-in over the next few days. Guess I showed them, didn't I.

Found out last night that our oldest grand-daughter was in the hospital for surgery, had recovered sufficiently to be released (48 hours), and was home resting afterwards. Not a word to me from anyone in the family regarding this event. This too upsets me greatly. How can I be relegated to dismissive and irrelevance so easily? Because My Paula is not here? Not even worthy of a phone call? I am deeply hurt and incensed by this omission. Yes, I truly am on my own.

Thank you all, Ladies. I knew that here I had a sympathetic ear to listen to me. All you have said is true and more. My issue is having the desire and energy to address any or all of these issues. Basically I am still in full retreat or defiance at being forced to have to live like this. It is offensive and unacceptable even now. I do not like or accept being dictated-to under any circumstances. As do we all. As to contacting family, I know they are busy. Their career and family commitments are top priority for them, as it should be. I was in the same situation for over 40 years. Yet I managed to contact my Mother at least weekly, and still do. She lives out-of-town but we do stay in touch. I have mentioned this to the children and they know the routine. I have asked them to extend me that same consideration to no avail. Recently My Paula's sister sold her house and moved in across the street with my mother-in-law. That was two weeks ago and the only contact I have had (twice) was when I made the effort. Immediate family for over 35 years within 200 feet and no effort on their part. I could go on but to what end? In a positive note, I did sleep and rest last night. It has been my practice to write daily in my journal to My Paula. (To date I have committed about 1,400 - 1,500 pages) Last night I expressed my emotional fragility openly. At bed time she came to me and eased my mind by just being there with me. I slept well. Then at 8:55 am she came back by and rang the doorbell, or rang it on her way out. I knew it was she. Rarely waking and feeling "good", I turned over and slept another hour and 20 minutes. I have found that in those times of deepest turmoil and trouble she comes to me when I really need her. What a good and faithful wife and companion My Love is to me ! Is it any wonder why I miss My Love so greatly? I feel tears running down my cheeks again. I need to go for now.

Been away from the computer for a while. Trying to cope. Not doing so well. Realizing just how abjectly alone and lonely I truly am. Rather than reaching out I have decided to see if anyone cares or even notices. Apparently no one does. I thought that maybe I could hack this solo. Wrong. Having very dark thoughts creeping around in my empty life and head. Haven't seen or heard from a single soul since Monday. Haven't eaten more than a bite or two since Wednesday or Thursday. I really don't care one way or another. Trying to find something to occupy my long lonely hours. So far nothing does so I constantly turn to my Paula but she is not here. The house looks like a hoarder lives her. Once again, I don't care. I can get from the door to my chair to the bathroom to the bedroom. What more than that is needed? Never resting and little sleep. No more than a few hours a day. Maybe I'll make it through tonight. If I don't, no one will notice for days, maybe even weeks. Isn't it grand to be alive? Maybe I'll make it through this night.

Have had to be away from the computer for a few days. Emotionally too hard to deal with. Has been a hard several days. Little sleep, less rest. Being so isolated, alone, and lonely does not help. Was awake until 2:30 am on the 15th and up by 7:30 on the 16th. Anxiety riddled day. Found a distraction but as soon I returned to the reality. No dinner or lunch yesterday. Had class today so I turned in early at 1:00am, To my great surprise and pleasure, I heard the doorbell at 1:50am Of course it was My Paula checking-in on me. Back to bed and wide awake at 3:30 am. I just stayed up. I am so completely tired and exhausted dealing with all this. Not just today or yesterday either. Off to school early at 7:00. Back home at 4:00pm. Promptly fell asleep for a power nap. That means little sleep again tonight. I give up. I suppose that in some fashion "things" might be better, hard to tell from my perspective. I did somehow manage to get through the worst part of this monthly hell. Wednesday, the 19th, is the date of My Paula's memorial service. Lord help me through that, too. I am told I shouldn't look ahead or anticipate, , but next month is the first year observance of the end of my life, the end of our lives together, and the tragic loss of My Paula. I will be very surprised if I make it through that. Thank you Jo for your kind thoughts and concern. I am sorry for your loss too, being so very fresh for you. I do understand completely. It is only through talking with and being in the company of others that do understand is this all even remotely bearable. The very absence of My Paula is so greatly magnified and exaggerated by the loneliness and isolation. With her, we were able to face any and all challenges and through sheer will-power overcome. Sadly that is not the case any longer. I weep for the loss of My Love, as well as for the life My Paula has been deprived of. How very sad that one such as she was taken when she was in such an undeserving fashion. I imaging the "normal routine" will ultimately find it's balance and return to the drudgery inherent there-in dragging this unwilling participant along to the grist mill of loneliness and mediocrity. I eagerly await the day I can escape this hell and re-join My Love, My Paula.