boogieman

Hello ShanN. Having lost My Paula a short seven weeks ago I know first-hand what you are going through. Words can not express our deep sorrow for your loss. Please be kind to yourself. You know you did all you could do. I still have the same emotional trauma you are just now experiencing. As hard as it is to hear and believe, you can get through this. It will take as long as it takes. The friends we make here help and support to the best of their ability and experience. My Paula was my entire world for 35 years. But here I am encouraging you to let the emotions flow through you, to let them out as you need. It will be painful but theraputic to just let go. Cry for as long and hard as you need to. Just remember we are here for you. My deepest condolences. Chris

How quickly things can turn. Had two very good days with our girls. Even slept well and rested last night. Only to awake screaming from a horrid nightmare tonight, or morning. Once again I see it is going on 3:00 AM, the hour My Paula passed away. I can not escape this even in desparate fatigued sleep. I have got to find a way, some means of ending this torture. I write in my journal daily. I have almost finished My Paulas picture project. I talk to her. I pray. I rest when neccessary. I eat when I have to. I try to remain calm. I get out of the house. I visit with family. I talk to friends. I post on this forum. I think of our best days. I remember the wonderful life we had. I do everything I can think of to quell this raging storm of torment in my soul with little results. I don't have a clue as to what else to do. This agony and torture just won't let me be. How most of you deal with our type of loss for months, even years, is beyond my comprehension. I reluctantly admit that I am almost at my wit's end again. Chris

Yes, the trip did us both good. Talking to Bobbie (DIL)today she heard from Emily last night what a good time we shared yesterday. We love our girls so very dearly. They both take after My Paula in their care and concern for their loved ones, TOO! Bobbie came to help me finally finish the photo album of 8" x 10" pictures of My Paula. Emotionally difficult alone, much easier with her help. I felt that finishing this project would somehow close a chapter in My Paulas life and memory. I have been delaying the finishing for that reason. Much to my surprise and delight I find the opposite. I sense the same "release" that I felt as I asked the Hospice Care nurse to increase My Paulas pain meds knowing the ramifications of that decision. Then the release from her pain soon to follow. By finishing the pictures I now have as complete a compilation of My Paula as can be assembled. Pictures from her birth through this past Christmas. Each one renewing the warm loving feelings and the specifics of wonderfully happy times shared together. Now I can "release" her in yet another fashion by having these prescious images of her to admire at my leisure and discretion. Not simply ending a chapter, but turning the first page on a new one. I know that those of you following my story understand. Thank you all for being here for me, for My Paula, for us all. Chris

Thanks Jan and KayC. I found that getting out of the house for the day was very liberating. Not wanting to go initially, I went for our daughters' safety and companionship. Two hours down and two hours back and we talked, and talked, and talked. She and I talked like My Paula and I do. How wonderful it was. I haven't enjoyed that much conversation since this past January when My Paula started her inevitable decline. I think that the lack of a companion, someone to be with, is one of my greatest fears. What a great trip it was. And, yes, having so proudly and willingly taking on the role of My Paulas' full time care giver for three years, I am very protective of her. She relied on me and depended on me for all the everyday things she couldn't do for herself. I tried my best to not let her down, although I know that inevetably I did in some manner. But I still dedicated myself to her care. Who else but me could love her the way I do? I am proud of myself for the dedication and determination I was able to provide for My Paula. I know she appreciated it. I tried my best to protect her, love her, care for her, and be there for her for thirty-five years. I wasn't about to NOT be there when she needed me most. In my mind, she still looks to me for protection and I will always be there for her. My Paula deserves nothing less. Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it greatly. I know hard days lay ahead but this wasn't one of them! Chris

Thanks to all. Being barely six weeks since My Paula passed away I am still reeling. Even now I feel tense, anxious, and stressed. These uneasy feelings keep me tied in knots almost continually. As a form of distraction, I have agreed to take a day long business trip tomorrow with our daughter. Now I am having second thoughts. I really do not want to go but the idea of her alone on the highway for four hours causes me concern for her. I fear I might have another anxiety/stress attack due to being away for soo long. I irrationally think of what might happen to My Paula if I am away? What if a burglar strikes? What if there is a fire? Or an explosion? Or any other type of disaster? How could My Paula protect or defend herself? Irrational as these things seem, they are causes of deep, real, concern for me. This is our house. Our home. The place we both so dearly love. Where we spent the last twelve years of our lives together. Leaving here for almost any reason causes me both physical pain and emotional stress.

As I was preparing a bite of lunch earlier, I simply looked at a picture of My Paula. Feeling rested from last night, and being in some-what of a good mood, I half chuckled as I reached over to touch her picture saying "I Love You Dear". Immediately I was overwhelmed with emotions. A surge of bitter truth ran through me like a lightening bolt. The reality of My Paula being gone hit me so hard I could hardly catch my breath. Once again to be thrown against the jagged rocks of despair. It's about three hours later and I feel no better. I write to My Paula daily. I talk to her daily. I miss her minute by minute. Anything and everything I do evokes some image or connection to her. I can't let her go. I won't let her go. The physical, emotional, agony I now endure is child's play against the reality of being without her. This just can't be happening. I can't deal with this truth. This can't be my life. I feel as I am being skinned alive the torture so great, the agony so deep, the loneliness so impossible to bear. Oh My Paula, how can I go on without you?

Yesterday I had a vey good and much needed visit from our son, daughter-in-law, and oldest grand-daughter. Even slept well last night. Today I find myself alone again, needing to ask a rhetorical question. How do I cope with the abject pain of loosing My Paula, the one person I still so passionately love and absolutely need in my life? I know there isn't a pat answer. Have been crying for over an hour with no end in sight. This heartache is beyond anything I have ever experienced. It is hell. The utter and complete frustration of being totally helpless is driving me out of my mind. There must be something I can do other than ride-it-out. Chris

Have had time to think on my nightmare early this morning. Here's what I think. My Paula and I cuddeling in bed represents the wonderful life we shared. The clown faced nurse stands for both the insidious nature of cancer, and the wonderful medical and Hospice care we received. Even the best care could not save her. The hatchet attack demonstrates the brutality and bluntness, the disregard and random nature, of My Paula's cancer. The attack on her back, waist, and mid-section locates and isolates her cancer. My being unable to stop the attack, my horror, my frozen state, demonstrates my inability to protect My Paula from the brutal non-stop nature of her cancer. The slow-motion illustrates the three year time frame we tried so valiently, to no avail, to overcome this condition. I wish I didn't have such time to ponder these things, but my analytical mind needs to probe these issues. Hopefully tonight will be better. I don't ever want/need to relive that horror again. Sometims a mind is just a terrible place. Trust me, I would never intentionally bring-up any issue if I know it would ever upset anyone. Like "they" say..."If we're alone in this, we're alone in this together". Chris

Hello Pumkin. I call our daughter "Punkin", her daughter "Peanut", and her daughter "Puddin". How special to hear from you. Went to bed about 10:30 PM. Still awake at 12:30 AM. Fell asleep from exhaustion. Woke at 2:30 AM in the grip of a terrible nightmare. As My Paula and I were cuddeling in our bed late at night, as we often do, a woman dressed in a white nurses uniform and white clown make-up with huge ruby red lips, came into our room and began attacking My Paula with an old wooden handled hatchet. All in ultra slow-motion. I couldn't grab the hatchet or get up to intercede. (I'm sure a dream analyst would have a field day with that.) None-the-less I woke in a panic, frozen in the moment. Still awake at 4:30 AM. Up at 9:30 AM to face another lonely day. Maybe every day is getting slightly easier. Hard to determine based on the intolerable waves of grief. Hoping to spend part of the day with Bobbie so I called. Seems Greg is taking off early today so they can have an early evening, dinner, and a movie together. I am so happy for them and the memories they are creating. So much like My Paula and I shared. So I spend another day alone so desperately wanting/needing human contact with loved ones. How sad has my life become? Yesterday our daughter made a refference to her..."Raggedy Andy Doll image of her Dad". All in loving kindness but still true from her perspective. I honor and respect her honesty. My Paula taught us all the value of open communication tempered with loving kindness. Please forgive my sharing these hard moments, the personal details of my current life, here. I know they may be disturbing to some. I feel the need for contact with those with whom I share a common heartache. For me, once or twice a month in counciling isn't sufficient. Bear with me as I struggle to get through this seemingly never-ending nightmare. Chris

Butterflies. How beautiful. Today was slightly better than I expected. Our daughter came to get me for a short trip out of the house. Stopped by the grocery on the way back home. What a blessing she is to me. Just like her MOMZ. Talking to her is so easy and comfortable. Reminds me of My Paula in that regard. As the night wore on I feel the loneliness once again permeating me. The quietness is deafening. I want and need My Paula to talk to, in person. I have this overwhelming need to hold her, kiss her, just be with her. Realizing this can't be I fall into despair and tears. This agony is consuming me. And I can do nothing about it until it decides it has wrung the last bit of energy out of me, again. Now exhausted, I should head to bed. I know I won't sleep so why bother? To sit up alone in agony, or go with my heart breaking to our oh so lonely bed? The real tears for today are yet to come. When will this nightmare end? Will it never end? Too many questions with no answers.

Riding it out seems to be my best choice, too. I have no appetite so have lost about 20-25 lbs since about March when My Paula started her rapid decline. She lost her appetite, I lost mine. I don't read much anymore. Or work my cross-word puzzles. Or work on my project car. I turn on the TV but not much holds my attention. Sleep is pretty much hit-or-miss. I mostly sit alone trying to comprehend and realize the terrible truth. My brain seems to be running in over-drive most of the time. Facts, figures, dates, good times, images, need to's, have to's, memories, and on and on. Tomorrow marks the six week date of loosing My Paula. I expect to be up around 3:00 AM in the morning and have a difficult day too. Our oldest son,daughter-in-law, and eight year old, came for a visit this afternoon. Was nice to see them. They will be back Saturday if not before. Bobbie is so good to help me deal with issues I still can't/don't want to deal with alone. She lost her DAD just one month before we lost My Paula. Yet she (Bobbie) still tends to me, too. Recently she asked me if it was alright with me if she could now call me DAD. I was deeply honored by her request. This is still all so confusing and upsetting. This new reality really BITES! And I pray several times a day, too.

Oh my friends. I am hurting terribly right now. How do any of you deal with any one wave of anguish? I know I am still a rookie with this but what can I do?

Being a Christian, I have prayed for intervention almost continiously. I learned about a speciffic prayer. I prayed directly to Jesus asking Him to go to My Paula to ask her if she would please send me a sign that all was well with her. Last night I made that prayer. My Paula came to me in a vision. She is the most kind, gentle, giving, caring person I have ever known. I saw her in heaven tending to others before herself just as she so humbly attended to others first when here. Her giving spirit spreading to others as she cared for and served them. Pleasing others pleases her immensely. She is now so very pleased, happy, and content to be able to do so for eternity. I wakened being thrilled for her. Now later, the reality sets in. That I can not be the receipient of her tender graces until we meet again in Heaven. I miss My Paula so dearly. Hopefully my joy for her will someday out-weigh the grief and loss I now endure. Chris

I appreciate the support. As a matter of fact I think a counsolor from our Hospice might call tomorrow. I had asked about memorial services they host but got a list of monthly support groups. Either way I feel I made a hasty decision to try to move on so quickly. After all, this Thursday is only the six week date of losing My Paula. It's too soon. Tell me it is still the grief and not something else. Somehow it just doesn't feel right. Like to a certain extent I will be abandoning My Paula just so I can lessen the pain and misery I endure. But to take action detremental towards My Paula is one action I can not take. I still cling to her with all my being. Right back where I started. Can't go back-can't go forward. I guess I remain in this state of uncertainty until something changes. A very uncomfortable, lonely state. Finally talked to our daughter this morning. Our son called tonight after they got back. Haven't heard from our grand-daughter yet. I feel better having family close again.

Thank you for your follow-up messages. As most of you already know, I have no idea where this lext leg of my journey will take me. I do know My Paula will forever be there with me. Not so daunting a task when not alone. Her strength led us through some pretty tough situations before. How could I consider going on without her now, to not take My Paula on this new adventure? I Know she is more than willing to go if it means we are together. Yes, I anticipitate hard times to come. This grief lasts. We made it this far. We will make it even farther, together. Also, Kayc, I have no idea where to find your number should I need/want to talk. I honesty do appreciate your offer. Having survived the worse so far I will be here if I can, in some small way, help others. Chris

Mary, Kristen, Kay, Marty, Anne, thank you all. As you can see I'm still here. Still in pain but feeling better. Your support and care, along with considering what My Paula wants for me gave me pause to reconsider. Focusing on that aspect while ignoring the mailstrom, I see a glimmer of hope. Somehow during that long and tenuious night her peace came over me. Nothing can ever be the same. I will grieve for her, miss her terribly, love her, and be in love with My Paula for as long as I live. My Paula loved her quiet times working picture puzzles. Sometimes a piece or two was missing. "Why work them if you know pieces are missing" I asked once. Her reply was.. "I don't know what is missing if I don't put it back together". Enough said. I don't know exactly what all is missing if I don't make the effort to put my life back together. I owe that to her. My Paula never wanted anything less than the absolute best for me. And me the absolute best for her. Anything short of our best is being untrue and dishonest with each other. We are never anything less than open and honest, sharing every aspect of life as one. I realize that not going on dishonors My Paula. And she so richly deserves nothing less than my best. I set off on this third great journey of discovery. One with My Paula still the guiding force in my heart and life. Who knows where she will lead me? Keeping her lifes motto in mind,... "Live, Love, Laugh"... I hopefully look ahead. Thank you all for your support of this lonely, but now cautiously hopeful, soul. "Good night Dear. I Love you". Chris

"Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem". What is the "saying" if the problem isn't just temporary? I now have my solution in place. Reliving the last few weeks and especially the last four days of My Paulas' life I realize now I committed an unforgivable wrong. That wrong can never be addressed, no forgivness given. It is too late. I find my omission to be too great to face. After a lifetime of devotion to me I let My Paula down in her hour of greatest need. For that I can not forgive myself.

All that all of you say is true. I have reached out with little results. Even the local Hospice program is an answering service because of the holiday. My family are all out of town or away from contact. In this most desperate time I find my longing to be with My Paula far outweighs any other desires or concerns. I can't continue with this level of despair and hopelessness. The only life I care about has been totally devestated, my heart and soul violently ripped from me. Even though concern, caring, and support are all that can be extended I respectfully submit that that is not enough for me to continue on in this state of mind. I applaude everyones' strengths to move past their unimaginable losses. I am finding I am not as strong as the rest of you. My Paula is my world, my life, my reason for being. Without her there is nothing of me left. I died too that April early morning. Only difference is no-one told me.

It is 1:30 AM here. Have been crying for a solid hour in terrible grief and anxiety for My Paula. I think I'm in real trouble here. Inconsolable waves of agony sweeping over me. No control. Family all away. So alone. What to do? What to do?

Thank you, Kay. I realize the time frame is different for each of us. Every minit seems like an eternity in agony. I'm trying the best I can to cope but seem to make no head-way. Maybe that is normal for me, right now. My past hobbies included restoring old cars, reading, cross-word puzzles, and cooking with My Paula. I have no appetite at all, I can't focus enough to read or work my puzzles, and my car projects hold no interest. Our oldest son and a friend encourage me to go to the shop and work on my project. Once again I have no particular interest at the present as my heart just isn't in it. My Paula says about me..."It keeps him at home, but out of the house". My joy is to work on something, create some part or piece, and then show it off to her. Her comment is playfully, usually,..."That looks nice. What is it"? To not be able to share that with her keeps me from my shop. I have been invited to a dear friend's son's graduation get-together/pool party tomorrow. He just completed his Master's degree in Aeronautical Engineering. Paula and I visit with them regularly. Given the up-beat nature and happiness of the gathering I feel I would be out of place there. I am just not ready to interact on such a positive level for even a short time frame. They may be dissapointed but hopefully they will understsnd. But it isn't tomorrow yet. Chris

Stayed up late night hoping to be exhausted enought to rest. Waking up at 11:15 only to discover this is going to be a very hard day indeed. Realizing again the devistation of our lives brings me to uncontrollable tears yet again. Alone in my greatest hour of need I look for My Paula knowing she is not here. Turning to her for comfort I still find no relief. The agony and loneliness of this existance becomes greater each day, not abating with the passage of time. Turning away from the future I find myself lapsing into the past as the present is too painful to bear. That glorious past where we were so incredibly happy, comfortable, and content. Where each new day promised even more opportunities to be together, to share our lives, to express our undying love for each other in hundreds of little ways. Spoke with an old High School friend of Paula's yesterday. She conveyed the fact that My Paula was very happy with our life together, that Paula was contented, happy. I take comfort in that fact as I hope I played some part in her happiness. I know she brought joy and happiness to me. Now to realize again that My Paula is gone totally devistates me, crushes me. What should be another shared day for us together is shattered by the reality of her loss. Yes indeed. Going to be a long hard day. Chris

I will try the breathing technique if I have my wits about me during the next panic/anxiety attack. Anything has to be better than what I do now, which is panic even more. I will be 65 in a few weeks. My Paula was just 59. She had been on unemployment due to her condition and worked part-time until this past Christmas. I am on disability due to the car wreck in 2007. Thankfully our house and cars are all paid for. No outstanding credit card debt. The yearly taxes here run $3,000+/year. Thats 2-1/2 months income. Not really important now as I have bigger, immediate, more pressing issues to deal with. Shocked and stunned is putting it mildly. I really have no time-line expectations. Just hoping for something, some glimmer of relief, sometime. For the sadness and pain to lessen, even a little. Right now I don't see it. And by all the posts here, I gather I shouldn't expect much hope any time soon. I am, like the rest of you, simply trying to grind-it-out every day. Chris

Thank you again, Mary. As "they" say... "I'm struggeling as fast as I can". As I have had no need for a doctor for myself in almost six years (Thank You, Lord) I'm not even sure he can/will see me. Especially since the new health care laws are being implemented. He/they may, like so many in our area (Texas), won't accept patients relying on Medicare for payment. At $1,300/month total income I will barely make ends meet, much less support an insurance company with additional payments. I personally choose to have nothing to do with AARP. I once had home/auto insurance through them. I found better coverage at a 40% better rate privately. All that being said, my options are limited. Sorry to hear of your on-going health issues. My plan all along has been to NOT GET SICK! It has worked up till now. We'll see how that pans out. Chris

Today is today, for today. Wanting desperately to be with Paula again I hoped to dream about her to no avail. I woke feeling empty and hollow. Alone. So alone. After a good crying session I still feel the same. At barely five weeks since Paula was taken I find I miss her so profoundly deeply I can barely cope. I am, and will be, lost without her. But today is today. I must do that which I must do. It all seems so pointless and banal, so meaninglessly trivial. Regarding the Doctor: I am retired, on a limited fixed income, on Medicare, hate going to any doctor, and am extremely averse to "drugs" for my personal use as they all leave me feeling dis-connected from reality. The anxiety and panic attacks I will try to control through sheer will-power, for now at least. Who knows. Perhaps a major anurism will relieve me of the agony and loneliness I now must endure. In the present, I look forward to a quiet day alone with my Paula. Chris