boogieman

Thank you Marty and Mary. I am cautiously apprehensive about all this. My world is still upside down and I am struggling to maintain, although slightly easier now. I certainly hope I am making the "right" decision here. With no frame of reference I have no way to judge. I just know I miss My Paula terribly. Chris

Thank you Fae, Mary, and KayC. All good advice. I have never been particularly interested in pets. My Paula always stated that I was the pet in our house. I long for human companionship, not an obligation to take care of. I'm barely taking care of myself! Good advice on asking friends over or out. So obvious I hadn't considered that as an option. And "guilting" friends and family is not above me at all. Been there, done that! I finally spoke to the Grief Counselor this week. Telling her of my reservations about opening raw emotions in group, she tells me this is a very appropriate, acceptable, and understandable reaction. That it might still be too early for me. We are meeting this week for a private session. I look forward to this as I feel comfortable talking with her. The group meeting is one she is familiar with, so she should be able to easy my integration there. At least I am trying! Doing some reading on low blood pressure addresses a few issues I have experienced. Headaches, tunnel and blurred vision, occasional dizziness, lethargy, sleeplessness, clouded thought processes, lack of concentration, and general malaise are issues I deal with occasionally. Nothing really serious but worth keeping tabs on, which I am doing. A good multi-vitamin might help. Today is another of those "anniversary dates" we all experience. On this date in 1978, 35 years ago, My Paula and I announced to our respective mates that we were leaving them and starting our new lives' together. What a joyous, rewarding, fulfilling life we shared. Becoming as close as two people could ever become. We shared every aspect of life with open attitudes and a sense of adventure for whatever came along. Overcoming the low times and reveling in the good. Cherishing every single moment. We each became the one person the other wanted, needed, and respected. We became best friends, lovers, confidants, and supportive life companions. We looked no further than to each other in any situation we faced, both good and bad. What a glorious life we shared. All good things must end and so now I go on alone. But I do have the warm, fond, loving, remembrances of our special and cherished lives together. I miss My Paula. My Paula is the love of my life and I hers. I passionately love My Paula for giving of herself so selflessly to me, for the two of us, and our family. Often graciously sacrificing her personal needs for the betterment of our family. I Love you Dear! And Mary, being from Arkansas and having family in Fayetteville, I know first-hand how the weather can be. Please be careful on the roads. Until later, Chris

Another interminably long lonely day for me today. I was so looking forward to the children coming by this afternoon. Emily called as she was leaving work late and had to meet clients for a real estate showing. She will be showing property all day tomorrow too. Might see her late in the day if possible. Sales always increase just before school starts back this month here. Greg was going to stop by on his way home if he could get off early. He and Bobbie were going to the airport to pick-up their daughter Chrissie after a week in Belize on a missions trip. So it looks like I won't see them today either. I am very proud of their dedication and hard work. But I miss the family times together. Honestly, I miss spending time with anybody. I miss My Paula. It is Friday and everyone needs time to unwind from another long hot week. It has ben 101*-103* all week. And the forecast calls for 102*-105* for the next full week with heat indexes of 110* + or - a degree or two. So it looks like a long quiet weekend and next week for me. I got my blood pressure monitor working again. Has been averaging around 85 over 50 with pulse rate of around 51-52BPM for a few days now. Anyone have any idea what that means? I can't find a definitive answer on the interweb. It's only 9:15 PM and I am exhausted. Think I'll head off to bed. Nothing else to do. Chris

The group meets on Thursday nights. Our daughter is supposed to come by after work today but that all depends. She said she would go with me, but I still have reservations. Opening fresh wounds and raw emotions and such. No social groups to touch base with. It's way to hot to pursue my hobby and I'm not inclined in that direction right now, yet. My Paula and I had one other couple we visited with. They are busy with work, their hobbies, their gym schedule, etc. How do I invite myself over for dinner? I could go to a casual restaurant to kill some time. I still have reservations about being gone from the security of home where My Paula is. Yesterday I invited myself over to our other daughter's just to get out for a while. Less than an hour there and I felt the strong urge to get back here. Back home, I let myself fall asleep in the afternoon. Not so smart as this really messes up my tentative night sleep. Being exhausted from stress later I went to bed at 10:30 PM. Had troubling dreams. Wide awake at 3:05 AM. Back to sleep. Heard the doorbell again at 3: 55 AM. My Paula checking in on me I'm sure. Back to sleep. Horrible dreams. Awake again at 6:30. Back to sleep. Awake again at 7:15 and again at 9:15. Very restless night with no rest. Now the prospects of another long lonely day loom. One way or another I have to learn how to cope and deal with all this. All the solutions must come from within for them to ease my troubled mind. Just as many of you were/are, I am lost , uncertain, tense, edgy, and stressed by this continuing nightmare of an existence. I keep telling myself it has only been 3-1/2 months since My Paula passed but it feels like an eternity ago, yet only yesterday too. Obviously my thought processes have not been able to coherently sort all this out in any sort of rational, meaningful manner. Not to my satisfaction, acceptance, understanding, or manageability anyway. So I go through the motions. Alone and lonely. I respect those of you who have learned how to deal with this, or just gotten through this so troubling stage of recovery. So please allow me the imposition of baring my inner strife and turmoil here with you who have traveled this road. Good point KayC. I am so uncertain about reaching out to others when I am still so very broken myself. What could I possibly offer to others when I can't even get a grip on my troubles? Chris

On a personal level, what do you do with all the times between contact? I find each and every hour seemingly days long. And the days never seem to end they drag by so slowly. The loneliness sets in and I find it very hard to shake. This lack of personal contact is making me stressed-out. I NEED this interaction but can't seem to find it anywhere. I miss My Paula so greatly.

Thank you for the kind comments. Like dealing with losing My Paula and all else that has happened recently, I try so very hard. Last week Nick told me of his plans to have one each of his five grand-children over for a day and an overnight stay this week before they all start back to school soon. So he has his hands full. I've talked to him a couple of times and certainly don't want to interfere with that family time for them. Besides, it's over 100* every day and 105*-110* heat index daily for the next 10 days or so. Not Arizona hot, but potentially dangerous just the same. My responsibility to our son and his wife is to continue to try to teach him how to manage their lives in a reasonable fashion, and to help in whatever manner I am able, if and when I can. A responsibility I honor because he is our son. To me, a parent's duty doesn't necessarily end when the child reaches adulthood. I need all my children to know that Dad is the first place they can come to when they need advice or help. My door is always open to them. For me the hard part is that sometimes the answer is "no" or "Sorry, I can't help you". Ironically, Bradley and I were in contact today. He hinted that they may be moving to Quebec, Canada after they loose their house in Mass. Mine isn't to question why because if this is what they choose to do, it is their choice. Why there I don't know. I do know they reject my offer to come home here to Texas for political and psychological reasons. Again, their choice which I must accept. My reward is to see them make good, well informed, adult decisions. If My Paula and I can be instrumental in that endeavor, we will be content and pleased. And you are so right. I do still have a purpose. Tending to my small flock. Chris

Such as it is, this is my current burden and responsibility.

Just checking in. These long hot summer days alone sure are hard to cope with. But you all know that. Just thinking of being alone and missing My Paula brings tears to my eyes. Have been in contact with our youngest son in Mass. Trying to help him navigate their troubled waters. Chris

It's late and I can't sleep. I hate to impose on any of you but I need to express to someone how much I love My Paula and how sad and lonely I am without her. "I love you. I miss you Dear. I am still so passionately in love with you I ache from your absence. I am trying so very hard to adjust to life without you. I don't feel that I am making much progress but I sure am trying. Life without you is so flat and hollow. I long for the mere sound of you breathing ever so quietly. Watching you sleep. Our intimate conversations. Our simply being together. Sharing any and all aspects of our lives together. You are the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. And now you are gone. And I am alone. I cry myself to sleep more nights than you know, including tonight. I miss you. I love you Dear." Chris

Mary, hope your surgery was successful. As the time for me to leave for the meeting neared I had an anxiety attack that I am just now getting over. I can't explain why except that possibly facing the reality of this horror was potentially too much too soon for me to publically acknowledge. I really don't know. So for my own peace of mind and safety of others on the road I didn't go. I spoke to both our daughters later and they both said they would go with me next week. They are still reconciling this life-changing event too. As for today, I realize I was susceptible to my emotions due to stress. I need to sell My Paula's vehicle in order to get the funds to our youngest son as they are under time constraints. I did all I could today due to the heat then took a decent rest break this afternoon. Maybe not the prescribed treatment but it seemed to work for me. Oh, and I made a pan of Brownies and had one too. I'll have to remember that! I do feel somewhat less panicky and rested now. As nothing is "normal" I guess I'll have to devise my own temporary escape mechanisms. At least I'm trying! I still miss My Paula, but not to the extreme of earlier. Chris

I'm really tired from this roller-coaster. Feeling very sad and lonely today. Just can't get over it. This all started Thursday regarding the group meeting. Haven't felt quite right since then. I know I am missing My Paula so greatly. These long weekends really take a lot of energy just to get through. I haven't seen a friendly face since last Wednesday evening. Including tomorrow that will be 4 days at least without contact. Seems like an eternity when I am so alone and lonely. Not much to do as it is so hot here, again. Maybe a nap is in order. Never-mind me. I'm just sad and unhappy with the world right now. Chris

Thanks Mary. I did talk to our daughter. She offered to go with me next week. Her dental clinic is less than a mile from the church. I do feel better about that. I'm still slightly tense but will get calmed down. Chris

Here's an interesting turn of events. I spoke with the Support group sponsor at the church where the group meets. Turns out our daughter and grand-children once attended that church. I was all set to go to my first meeting tonight. As the time to leave for there approached I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Since last week I have accepted that I will be alone and live alone from now on. This has helped me to adjust to this new reality. The renewed anxiety is from putting myself in the position of acknowledging again the events that brought me to where I am. And I just couldn't face it today. It has only been three months since My Paula passed and I just can't face that right now. It feels too soon, at least to me. I know there is no "normal" but does this strike a cord with anyone? Chris

I am keeping all my original documents in a fire-proof storage container. I have also given a copy of everything to my children who live near-by. As I set everything up they both have legal standing to do whatever needs to be attended to under any circumstances. I trust them both implicitly so rest easier knowing I am in good hands. Thank you all for your continued support. I need all the help I can get. Chris

I did get a response from the counselor. She is out of town for a week long conference but promises to contact me when she gets back next week. I can wait. In the mean time, I have found a support group that meets on Thursday nights somewhat close to home. No promises but I will check in on that. We may not be compatible as I don't know anything about them. Despite my prior comments regarding this, today I got all my legal and financial affairs in order. I feel a sense of relief having all these issues addressed and settled. I just never realized how heavy a burden they had become. Probably trivial to some but monumental to me. My Paula always attended to these matters as she was a paralegal and easy for her. She's teaching. I'm learning! "Thank You Dear. I Love You Too".

Thank you all for your understanding. I did contact someone yesterday but still waiting on a reply. If no reply today I'll try again or try another. For what it's worth, I feel some sense of relief just by reaching out to a professional.

Amazing what time for reflection and sleep can accomplish. Apologies for "lashing out". Still in the strangle--hold grasp of runaway emotions I struggle daily. Obviously some days better than others. Obviously, too, my "raw" emotions are best kept off this forum to the extent I went to. I certainly don't want to go there, for my sake and yours, but sometimes I can't control my emotional state. Please understand that I mean no dis-respect towards those willing to hear me. Most of you are experienced at this. Me? New territory, and it is frightening. I never liked roller-coasters anyway. I have read and re-read all the suggested materials. Looking back on these most recent posts scares the hell out of me. As I stated previously, I don't know how to live and be alone. I resent being forced into this like most of you. Please bear with me as I struggle to become accustomed to this new reality. My pain and agony, my struggle, apparent in my un-called-for sarcasm. Appreciate the posted article, Jan. It helped. And KayC, I hadn't considered our grand-son from that perspective. Also, I have no clue as how to Quote here. Sorry for that. Regarding health, I have lost about 40 pounds in the last several months. Not an excuse, just facts. Mary, I am contacting someone for help today. Respectfully submitted, Chris

Apologies for the "debate" comment. I certainly have no desire to offend. I apparently have crossed some sort of invisible line here. Lets talk about grief. Lets support each other. Lets share our pain. Lets bare our inner souls to each other. I honestly feel the way I feel. In MY grief this feeling is often there. It does come and go but is not to be ignored. I feel ostracized by my expressing my most inner deepest thoughts regarding MY raw fresh open wound of pain. Am I to understand that none of you EVER expressed these same feelings? You have NEVER had these thoughts? This has NEVER been aired on this forum? Am I the only one daring enough to broach this subject? The only one willing to openly admit this? If so, I find that hard to believe. My understanding of a "forum" is a place to openly, honestly, bring private and public issues before a group for "discussion'. The exchange of ideas and opinions lead to debates. And debate is what moves the discussion forward. Maybe my open acknowledgement has struck a nerve of this forum. A subject we all wrestle with but few are willing to openly admit. I look at issues from MY unique perspective. I don't necessarily "contemplate" anything. But to completely ignore the possibilities is naïve in every sense of the word. I come here seeking counsel for a deeply troubling issue. An issue that is plaguing me. Have I offended the sensibilities here? Being turned away and rebuffed certainly point in that direction. As previously stated, "I Need Your Help", not your condemnation for expressing My thoughts. I don't want or need anyone to talk me into or out-of anything. I had hoped to find a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to lean on in these oh so difficult times. Am I wrong?

And an early good morning. As usual, I couldn't sleep last night, again. I call from 2:00AM till 5:00AM a nap. But this is usual for me. Such is my existence. Your comment regarding religious aspects I have addressed many times. I have heard the conflicting arguments. Never an agreement much less a consensus. Even different branches of Christianity have diametrically opposed views. So, if a person has to go only on what that person believes then that is his/her reality. Opinions are like belly-buttons. Everyone has one. Given that, what makes one more valid than another? And that is certainly an argument that has raged for millennia. Still no answer. I have talked to my children on this exact subject. Our youngest, in his animosity towards me, calls it a hollow threat not to be taken seriously. The older two have very little to say in that regard. They are as bewildered and dumb-founded as I am. Of course they want this to not happen. I know this is hard on everyone involved. As hard as this might be for them, consider just how hard this is for me. I'm the one facing this unimaginable devastation for the rest of my life. I have to live with the absolute loneliness every hour of every day for who knows how long. I don't just need a companion to spend time with. I need My Paula and her only. I am certainly intelligent enough to know that can't be. So the only solution is for me to be where she is. If that doesn't work out, what have I actually lost except the abject misery of existence as it is now? I risked everything once before for her. I am more than willing to risk it all again for her. The blissful joy I found in My Paula far outweighs anything this cruel existence has to offer. Not only am I willing to reach for that state, I long and ache for just that. Just as before when I was trying so hard to reach our youngest and the computer imploded 3 times, I knew it was My Paula keeping me from sending that message at that time. If this isn't what My Paula wants for me she will intercede on my behalf. As I asked before, what if the answer to the question..."What would Paula want you to do?" is..."I want you here with me". Since no one has even a clue as to a definite answer, I must conclude this answer is as correct as any other. These and hundreds of other unanswered questions plague me constantly. I search for answers to find none, or at best, conflicting views. No matter what, someone is right, someone is wrong. Yin and yang. Selfish? Possibly. I choose to think my constant drain on all those around me would/could be lessened. "Their" inconvenience abated. "They" want me to hang around for "their" peace-of-mind, but put me on the back burner so to speak. I understand and accept that. This is the plight of the lonely and aged in our society. Being put-out-to-pasture isn't nearly as romantic as it sounds. We/I need a definite purpose in life. "Hanging around" isn't it. My Paula was my purpose. Nothing is going to happen today. There are still several legal issues I have to investigate and resolve. There are documents to be created and signed, and other arrangements to be made. I am putting a great deal of thought and preparedness into this matter. In fact, this effort gives me something constructive to do. Something to look forward to. For me, dealing with my demons means facing them toe-to-toe. As it is said ..."A rose called by any other name would still smell as sweet". I do appreciate your concerns. I do appreciate a lively debate, too.

No Kay, you aren't wrong. I prefer to not call suicide a suicide. The word is so harsh and cold. So indifferent. I think of it as an escape. A release. I think about it constantly. I don't want to be forced to live like this. I am sure there are statistics somewhere showing that a percent of people in my exact same situation choose to take matters into their own hands rather than be left to the horrors I now face. I certainly know I'm not the first, the last, the exception, or the only one. That isn't a convincing argument at all. Yes it is undo-able. Maybe my loss is greater to me. Probably not, but mine is the one I am forced to face. If I am so important to those around me where are they when I need them? Where is my importance to them? What is my obligation to them when I have no life at all? Nothing to contribute to them or me? I can go for days, 5 now, without seeing a single face. 5 days of little sleep, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, of not wanting to do this any more, aching only to be with My Paula at any cost. And the cost to me I see as minor compared to what I will gain. In a " High risk-High reward" world what do I really have to loose? I know I have gone on about this before. Slowly but surely I am removing the hindrances that have been holding all this at bay. The damn is starting to crack and me along with it. Right now I relish the idea of NO MORE PAIN. I don't see this move as an ending as much as a new beginning. A new beginning with My Paula.

Being less than openly honest is lying to myself and dishonest to the spirit of this forum. There are several issues tying me to this existence. My will-done. My POA's -done. My financial matters -done. My Mother is 84 and in poor health- pending. The issues concerning our youngest-working. My in-laws - tentative. Our 2 older children - they are stable and accountable. The house - paid for. My loneliness and despair - constant. My future - murky and clouded at best. My friends - tentative at best. Not having enough money - frightening. Not being able to be emotional over the loss of My Paula - deeply disturbing. Loving and longing to be with My Paula - constant and deepening. In short, very few IMPORTANT issues remain to connect me to this sad, lonely, existence. I feel the weight and sadness of all this increasing slowly but surely. I often feel like a marionette. Someone else is controlling the strings. I perform when it is convenient to others. Depending on others to do for me what I can't do is disappointing at best. It leaves me so very vulnerable. Helpless. I feel so totally abandoned and alone. Alone and now seemingly unemotionally attached to even My Paula. And I absolutely hate this. I have no skills, no desire, or inner drive to live this life of sadness, misery, loneliness, and despair one minute longer than absolutely necessary. I have expressed these thoughts on more than one occasion. It is no surprise to me to find myself here again. As I said before, the highs lessen, the sorrow deepens. I just don't see a way forward that is satisfactory to even the slightest extent. My family who I love deeply, and most of my friends, are pulling-back from me. I know it is natural and expected. That does nothing to make it acceptable. I feel more isolated and lonely on a daily basis. I almost beg for contact, a visitor, a phone call from someone, anyone, that just doesn't come. I have no idea what to do to live with this. Nothing in my life fulfills any of my longings. The occasional visits, although welcomed and appreciated, are not enough to sustain me between times. Times between that are increasing in duration. And, no, I haven't contacted a counselor. Was going to last week but I always found a means of avoiding that. Things like grieving, worry, indecision, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, sadness, there are none close to my location, etc. Please believe me when I say I have given this a LOT of thought. I have plenty of time for that. The main issue now is my uncertainty with myself as to why I did not become emotional this past week, the 3 month dates of loosing My Paula. Not only have I lost respect for myself, I have to seriously question my lack of what I consider appropriate response to this most devastating event in my life. I find I came up lacking. I fell short of my expectations of me. I feel I have done My Paula a dis-service. She is deserving of so much more than I was able to express. So down the rabbit-hole I go, again. Several issues resolved, several more I don't have answers to, several there ARE no answers to. Another step closer to My Paula.

Maybe so. Maybe so. I know I'm completely frustrated and defeated from this lonely existence. Too many hours in the day, not enough to do or desire to do it. I do know I finished my will today. Arranged for co-owner/co-signer of my finances. Got all the POA's done. Another step closer to My Paula. Today was the 3 month anniversary of My Paula's memorial service. I felt nothing. Completely numb. I should have felt SOMETHING! The highs are fewer and farther apart, the lows longer and deeper. I miss my wife.

Another day. Stayed busy most of the day yesterday. Pined for My Paula last night. Worked on the Explorer this morning. Too hot to be out now. Might work on my will this afternoon. Too many long days with little to do. After giving it a lot of thought and retrospection I realize part of my issues. I don't know how to live alone. I don't want to live alone. Except for a few years in college and a few years before I met My Paula I have never had to live alone. After 35 years with my Paula I find this new life daunting, even frightening to some extent. I certainly don't like it. I certainly can't accept the manner in which I was forced into this existence. I resent it adamantly. Thinking of some of us here, and other friends and family I know who are living alone due to circumstances beyond our control, I see the pervasive sadness in us all to some extent. Some more than others, but there in all of us none-the-less. The joy of life diminished in us all. The constant human contact with one special person missing. Surely there are ways and means to fill-in this need to some extent, and most find that to some measure or another. But the daily, hour-to-hour connection, that longing to be linked directly to another, is apparent by its missing status in our lives. Kudos to those who have managed to rise above this to whatever extent you have been able. For some of us though, being relegated to a solitary lonely life is to be condemned to a life lacking. Merely going through the motions of living is not a life enjoyed. I see and hear the constant pain in us. So here we are. Untold millions of us wandering around lost and lonely. Being relegated to this is heart-breaking, sad, and cruel. I respect and admire those able to come to terms with this and find some happiness by whatever means possible. For the remainder of us my heart-felt sympathy abounds. I don't know how to live this way. I don't want to live this way. Chris

Apparently GOD does work in mysterious ways. And I say this with all humility. On this day which I feared and dreaded so much I got a very welcomed surprise. Our middle grand-son spent the last day of his leave before going back to Ft. Bragg for training prior to deployment to Afghanistan here with me. We shared the time working on My Paulas Explorer so I can sell it for our youngest son Bradley. It helped me immensely and the bonding was fantastic. DIL Bobbie called several times to check on me. At 5:30 Chrissie our oldest grand-daughter showed up for a visit. What an unexpected surprise. At 6;30 her brother Ronnie , oldest grand-son, showed up too. He brought burgers and tacos for us for dinner. Another welcomed surprise. We had a wonderful visit. What a wonderful family I have for them to rally around me in this time of great need. I know Bobbie coordinated it and I thank her for it. I'm also thinking My Paula was instrumental in planting that seed on my behalf. Being surrounded by my loving and caring family, I had no time to dwell on the obvious. I thank them all for their sacrifice of their time for me. And My Paula was here all day long. Here in the embrace of our family for me. So instead of having a very bad day, I had a very good one. I will grieve for My Paula in private tonight. "THANK YOU DEAR-I LOVE YOU TOO"

Today is the day I have feared and dreaded so greatly. Three months since My Paula passed at 3:00 AM this morning. I somehow managed to sleep through that unthinkable hour this morning. Now I find pain, loneliness, and sorrow waiting for me. Deeper sorrow that when this nightmare first unfolded. All so very painful, raw, and jagged. I have to somehow find the strength and will to get through this day. I have no desire to do so. No energy. This lonely existence is too hard for me. Every day a struggle just to face that day. I have to go now. I can't see the keyboard any longer.