boogieman

Thank you both. I have spent several hours reading several of the articles myself. As the grieving husband-father I feel the need to be there for our children, not just them being there for me. This tragic event affects them, too. Just in different ways and intensities. Finding the balance for us has yet to be discovered. We all struggle with this. With all due respect and honesty, as the grieving husband,I feel this has affected me more profoundly overall that them. The after-mass of loss of 35 years of extremely close loving companionship with My Paula is so extremely hard to accept, even now. I'm still reeling and devistated. I am still hopelessly, passionately, in love with My Paula with all that I am. I miss her so. I will ask them to read these suggested articles, but not insist on it. With your permission I may print them out for their convenience. Chris

Spent part of my day with Bobbie today. I needed her help getting a few loose ends wrapped up. Much to my surprise all three of the children living close came by late this afternoon for an "intervention". Seems that despite my efforts to be congenial and up-beat in their presence my sadness and sorrow continue to manifest themselves to the point of the childrens concern. I tried to explain to them that there was/is little they can do as I still don't have much of an idea how to procede myself. I can't and won't try to hide that from them as this is how I truly feel the vast majority of the time. And being truthful and honest is about all I have left. The truth hurts them, it devistates me still. So many questions going unanswered. I try to be as positive as possible but seem to manage that for only very short periods of time. Then the reality hits me again and I fall into the sadness. None of us has a handle on being "up" for them and "down" for me. I've been up since 5:15 AM this morning when My Paula came calling again. It's after midnight and sleep is still off in the distance. Making for another very long day tomorrow. Chris

Unexplained phenomina are hard to interpret. Besides my phone here, and the numerous door bell incidents, I just now recall two others to add to the list. Our youngest son and wife live in Mass. I have recently tried twice to send him an e-mail. Each time the computer has "glitched" for lack of a better understanding on my part. Both times the message was not saved, not sent, not kept in "Drafts", nothing. Just gone. They are having some financial troubles so I guess their cell phone is off as I can't get through to them. I leave messages but get no reply. I am feeling so very low again. So lonely. It's well over 100* here today with high humidity and not safe for me to be out(3 Prior heat strokes). So I sit here in the house surrounded by the silence and the babbeling TV. Oldest son and family out of town. Daughter working at the Dental clinic all day and real estate until late every night. My friend Nick has his issues to deal with. So here I am alone again. I don't think I am strong enough for this lonely life. I feel myself being pushed to the breaking point again. If this dynamic doesn't change I fear I might break. The loneliness just unbearable. I have stayed in bed most of the day but that hasn't helped. So I come here to try to relieve some of the tension and pent-up stress. Like they say..."If we're all alone in this, we're all alone together". I appreciate the irony of that. I hate it when it applies to me. Do you believe in "mediums"? I remain skeptical. Chris

It seems that when I am at my lowest emotionally, My Paula comes by for a short visit. Feeling so uncomfortable , unsure, and uneasy, the past few days My Paula rang the doorbell again at 5:10 AM this morning. Chris

My Paula came by again this afternoon late to cheer me up. She knows I am having a hard time right now. I was surprised and pleased she rang the doorbell again. Feeling better. Chris

So very sorry to hear of your loss. We are here for you. For the final three years of My Paulas life I was her caregiver. It is a hard task but tempered with love for that special person. Those of us choosing to be caregivers are so very strong indeed. We may not feel that way sometimes but we are. We have to be. We love that person to the point of self-sacrifice gladly. My Paula and I dealt with her cancer for three years. Getting progressively worse we knew the time was coming when a hard decision had to be made. In our case My Paulas decision was to not prolong her pain. I was so extremely proud that she trusted me and allowed me the honor of making that final decision for her. So very hard to do but honoring her wishes and doing what was best for her was my responsability. This past April 15 that decision had to be made. My Paula passed away in the early morning hours of April 16th. Under Hospice care and my directive I allowed her to leave this existance of constant pain. A very heart-wrenching decision but the correct one for my dear wife of 35 years. I have no regrets or second-thoughts regarding my decision, my responsability to My Paula. It was my solemn duty to honor her wish. One I proudly accepted. As did you. We do what we must out of deep love and respect for that special love in our lives. We owe them that. Be proud of yourself for the sacrifices made on her behalf. She is proud of you. Grieve as you need to. Remember her always. Many in this group have reached out to me with support. I appreciate them all. If you will allow us, we will support you too. Chris

"Three steps forward...two steps back" "Some days we need reminding" "Roller coaster....today is a bottom" "You wouldn't hurt this much if you didn't love her so much. That damn well says a lot". All true but hard to recognize when you're being run over by that train. What a huge amount of energy is spent by striving so hard and gaining so little. And you are right Stephen... "That damn well DOES say a lot". Chris

Despite the good feelings from earlier, the roller coaster is bottoming out again. My brother who performed My Paulas service sent me a transcription of his presentation. It was beautiful to read and brought tears to my eyes. Even more so now than then. Has it only been less than 10 weeks? Seems like 10 long lifetimes ago. Then the reality of My Paula actually being gone hit me like a 110 car freight train at full throttle. Literally knocking the breath out of me and crashing me to the depths of despair. Unable to catch my breath. Chest hurting. Head pounding. Emotions out of control again. I HATE THIS!!!!I HATE THIS!!!!I HATE THIS! The loneliness is unbearable. You already know this. The solitude thick and heavy hanging in the air like a fog. Stress and anxiety are having their way with me. So much deep sorrow and sadness. Too much to cope with. It will pass but at what cost? The prospects of this repeating again over and over is killing me! Last week I hoped to be over some of this deep emotional extreme. Not so. Not so. Just trying to regain some simblance of normalicy and control by venting here. Chris

And yet again just now two more sounds coming from the metal umberela stand by the front door! The "ping" of an umberela being placed in the stand. I'm sitting within eye-sight of that stand. I love this game of try-to-find-me! What was a lonely yesterday and early night has turned into something very special this morning. You keep ringing, I'll keep looking for you! Thinking of you and sharing a moment. Thank you, Dear! "I Love you,Too"

And again just now at 3:15 AM this morning. Chris

I have had several similar incidents in the past too. While on a driving vacation to California many years ago I had a starteling awakening at some point early in the morning. I knew something had happened to someone close to me. As we were camping and far away from phones I decided to wait until sun-up to check in back home in Texas. I learned that my Granddad had passed away at about the time I was awakened. Regretably I could not get back in time for his service. Years later in 1988 my Dad had been sick and in and out of the hospital for months. Staying there every day and night as late as I could I finally had to get home for work the next day. Getting into bed around midnight I had an uneasy feeling. Startled awake again early in the morning I called the hospital and got in touch with my Mother. Sure enough my Dad had passed away at about the time I was wakened. I called her before she could call me. Same story with my Grand Mother. I was awakened early in the morning by a very uneasy sensation. This was in 1990. She was born in 1895 and lived to 95 years old. Living alone the last 10 years of her life. She finally agreed to go to a retirement facility just 2 weeks before her passing. And I knew it when it happened. Strange, but I just realized that the really important people in my life that have passed have all done so in the early morning hour. My Paula passed away at 3:00 AM on a tuesday morning. I was there with her for four days prior to that and proudly until the very end. I know well the strange feeling of going home to an empty house while My Paula was taken to the funeral home. We so wanted her to be home but her condition dictated that could not happen. It was either the hospital or a Hospice facility over 40 miles from home. I chose to stay at the hospital as it was close to home. Anyway, for weeks after My Paulas service I was either still awake or awakened at exactly 3:00 AM. Now I choose to believe the wake-ups were My Paula contacting me. For what purpose I do not know. Like you, Steve, maybe my grief, sorrow, and need caused My Paula to stay here for me, too. Within a week the door bell incidents began. The phone calls started. I even had a "Dream Vision" of her once. She told me she now "lived in the mountains". I have always loved the mountains being born in the Arkansas Ozarks. I could see she was well, healthy and happy. Just a few minutes ago I was napping. I heard the front doorbell again. Looking through the antique leaded glass door I knew no one was there. It had to be My Paula. I came directly here to find your posts and report on my most recent occurance. Like most people I can better associate names with faces, if possible. I wanted to introduce us to my new-found friends. I am so proud of My Paula. Chris

Our oldest son, Greg, the one I spend so much time with now, is a state licensed residential and commercial electrician, a certified welder, a state certified boiler technician, a gasoline engine specialist, an interior and exterior lighting specialist (LED'S), and a state certified building/construction inspector. I trust his judgement implicitly. He tells me that a doorbell is so simple a device that they just can't "go off" by themselves. The chime is in the hall where moisture, animals, and debris can't get to the mechanism. The wiring is intact or the button won't work. The button is a simple spring loaded contact device that can't just activate itself without being pushed. Everything is in good working order. Phones have been fool-proof for generations. They don't just ring by themselves either. I choose to believe it is My Paula "signaling" to me. I acknowledge that fact either way. I would love to see a rainbow, a vision, a light, a shadow, anything to know it is My Paula. Maybe someday. It certainly would be comforting to KNOW for sure. Chris

Thank you again Kay. My Paula is by far the most wonderful special person in my life and will always remain so. We were that happy together. I miss her so deeply it hurts. With her love and guidance we will get through this. That being said another matter has caught my attention. I hope to gain some insights into "symbolism". In the past few months I have noted a recurring phenomena. It happened again last night after I fell asleep. On five or six occasions late at night or early in the morning the door-bell has rang. The best I can recall, always a ring, a pause, then another ring. A few times from the front button, several from the rear. They chime differently so I know which is which. Always getting up to check, I have yet to see anyone or anything there. Last night at 12:30 AM the front rang which roused me to about half awake. Not wanting to get up I just laid there. About 30 seconds later another ring. I got up and looked outside but no-one was there, again. On three ocassions the phone has rang late at night or early in the morning. Answering, there has been no one there. Nothing but complete silence. I am unsure of what to make of this. Are they my imigination working over-time or possibly My Paula trying to let me know she is here? I have done some reading on the subject but remain skeptical as to the possible meaning. Are they really My Paula or a manifestation of my desire to have contact with her? All of this is so completely new to me I don't know what to make of it, if anything. Chris

Thank you Kay. All this is due in part to several of your previous posts. I realized I had to "ease-up" on myself or go down in flames. Taking that first step of "allowing" someone, anything, to bring a little relief and pleasure was faith exemplified. I had nothing to loose at that point but me, our children, friends, other family, and on and on. I knew it was possibly then or never. As My Paula let me know, I made the right choice as she is pleased. That makes me so very happy. Not exactly sure how to fully incooperate this new attitude yet but working on it. I feel so much less pressured and stressed. Our oldest son Greg and family came to do our yard for us today. What a blessing they are! Anyway, the visit was again very nice and comfortable. We enjoyed the afternoon together. He even showed me how to post a picture here. That is me and My Paula at our youngest sons wedding rehersal dinner in 2004. No, I do not like being forced into a situation where I have no outlet or control. Through My Paula I found the means of escape from the daily agony and miser by beginning to accept what I have no control over. My Paula was obviously there all along, waiting for me to make the first move, again. I know it will still be hard. Now, I feel a sense of optimism not experienced in such a long time. Together My Paula and I will make it! I love her now more than ever. "Thank you, Dear". Chris

You are welcome, Mary. My Pleasure. It is so cool that you can change your profile picture. I have got to figure out how to do that. I have pictures of My Paula and me and I would like to be able to post them. Trouble is that My Paula is the computer expert! Chris

Happy Anniversary to you, Mary and Bill. We all wish nothing but the best for you on this special day. Thank you Fae and Marty for your kind words of support. I am not so sure this epipheny was from insight or just plain desperation. I know I was so completely sad and lonely that I had to do something to make a change. The simple words to "allow" myself some indulgence kept coming back. To my great surprise I gained and learned so much more than cautiously expected. What seemed to be a small selfish indulgence opened my eyes and heart to a whole new perspective. Pleasing me is one of My Paulas greatest attributes. Pleasing me pleases her! And I was so very pleased to find My Paula right there where she has always been. I KNOW she is pleased because I was so very pleased. I hope she is proud of me again. Chris

Thanks for the insight Stephen. My Paula loved to cook things just the way I liked them too. I had never thought to look in her cook books and notes. What a warm pleasant surprise possibly awaits. My Paulas voice is on our answering machine too. Until now I would never let the phone ring through as it hurt to hear her voice. Now I think I may be able to hear My Paulas sweet voice again. Another unexpected surprise. My DAD was very special to me, too. I wanted and sought his advice often as I was starting my business career. Today I followed some very good advice from several on this forum. I was asked to go to the local mall with our son and his family. I decided to ALLOW myself a little pleasure and enjoyment. We had a very warm, wonderful visit and excursion. Even went out for dinner which we all enjoyed. I noted an immediate relaxation in the tension that had been just beneath the surface as they relaxed, too. That uncomfortable-to-be-around feeling. Apparently my uneasiness and saddness was reflected in their uneasiness towards me. As I relaxed for the first time in about six months and ALLOWED the love of family to envelope me I noted a new sensation. I felt the warm, easy, loving spirit of My Paula come over me. The peace and joy I found there was humbling. Now living through me. Giving me a completely new perspective of how to live the life she so easily exemplified. The life she always wanted for me. Now I at least have a glimpse of what it is, and a way to let me continue loving and honoring My Paulas cherished memory through my actions and attitude. It makes me love My Paula even more. I find that My Paula is filling my heart again. And all I had to do was ALLOW IT. Chris

That first moment of full acknowledgement and acceptance must be hard. When my DAD passed away I would pick-up the phone to call him often, only to remember about half-way through the number. This went on for over a year. Not quite the same as My Paula. Chris

Hey Kay. I decide what is normal for me. Those who haven't walked this knife-edge have no room to decide anything for those of us who are. Surviving on any terms is a Herculean feat. I knew this was going to be a hard day, and it was. Each special date evoking raw emotions and loving memories. I find the night-time the hardest for me. The house is so quiet and lonely. So seemingly disconnected from the world. Nothing on TV. I have been going to bed early recently but that doesn't always work out. Earlier when I woke, I noticed it was around 6:00 PM. About the time My Paula gets up from her nap. Not immediately seeing her I headed down the hall to our bedroom. About half-way down the hall I stopped and broke down again. I realized My Paula wasn't there either. I still have great difficulty in accepting or even believing My Paula is gone. I imagine I always will. One thing I noted and spoke with Nick about is this. When those of us fortunate enough to find real true love and happiness, and are able to soar to those rarified heights, the greater the potential fall. And I, for one, have fallen far and hit hard. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I hope and pray it is better days. Chris

I know all of you are dealing with the same issues I have just now begun to deal with. It is so much harder than even my vivid imagination could conjure-up. The constant stress, the headaches, the anger, the confusion, the complete uncertainty, the frustration, and the ever present pain of my loss really does take a physical toll. My Paula had colon cancer that metastasized to her liver, abdominal lymph nodes, bones (namely both hips and T-12 vertabrae), tumors on both hips and vertabrae, her gall bladder, her lungs, and into her neck. I still feel so utterly shattered and hopelessly in agony for her and what she had to endure. My heart aches for My Paula and the torture she had to go through. And Kay, If what you describe as "normal" is in fact abnormal, I support you in that. I have done the very same and more! Seem only normal and natural to me, too! At 2:00 I called my good friend Nick. The one friend who understands this better than most. We talked, I cried, and we shared stories and snippets about My Paula for over an hour. He helped me get through this time so much more easily. I do appreciate him and his compassion. During the course of our conversations I mentioned taking My Paula out of the house once before. Although welcomed there, My Paulas urn was shortly whisked away to a bedroom where she was alone. Nick then insisted on my bringing My Paula along the next time I go to visit him. He and My Paula are friends because Nick is my friend. How good a friend is this? I know this is hard for us all. I appreciate the opportunity to "share" this with those who truly understand. As my head is throbbing I feel a nap coming on. Chris

Fae, I think you are on to something here that strikes a cord for me. The pain and agony, the turmoil and uncertainty, the anger deep within, need an outlet, a means of escape. Otherwise I find it eating me alive as My Paulas cancer did to her. Please excuse the analogy but that is the way I see and describe it. Having permission to be as angry as I need to be is refreshing. Not having a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on is so very isolating. Not having anyone around who understands is painful in and of itself. We all need the care, understanding, and support of each other. Thank you all for accepting me into your midsts. Like you , Jan, I don't want to be other than I am now either, but I begin to recognize the self-destructivness of that and that alone. I know I must somehow, now, rely on My Paula to continue my transition. Like you, I too feel guilty at the idea of enjoying even the smallest of pleasures without My Paula. Now I begin to understand that by allowing myself some small measure of pleasure, it pleases her too. My Paula lived to please me at every opportunity. When I am happy it pleases her. And loving and pleasing My Paula is what my life is all about. I go to bed nightly pondering these heavy matters. Sleeping fairly well the last few nights (a rarity for me!) I waken with new fresh insights. I prefer to think that My Paula, somehow, comes to me to help me resolve those issues , to see the possabilities beyond now. I do so love and miss her and her easy way of soothing me in the worst of times. Today at 2:00 PM is the two month date of My Paulas memorial service. I expect it to be a hard time. Chris

Thank you to all. I am having such a very hard time making this adjustment to life without My Paula. I write in a journal daily. I have assembled about 150 of my favorite photos of My Paula, alone and with family. Most I have had made into 8" x 10" prints and put them in a three-ring binder. Many I had duplicates made from and put into frames all around the house. I need to see My Paula in the home she made for us. I talk to her. I greet her every time I leave or come back home. I kiss her goodnight every night at bedtime. I keep my very favorite picture of her on the nightstand on her side of the bed where she was every night for 35 years. I have the last picture of My Paula as a screen saver on my computer. My Paula is everywhere I look. I ask her if she wants anything or is there something I can do for her. I tell her I love her many times a day. You might say I am still obsessed with her. It's true! I do everything possible to continue the oh so pleasant lifestyle we shared. Sometimes it is soothing, other times it really sets me off. I never know which but I continue our routine none-the-less. I don't intentionally hold on to the pain. It is always right there waiting for me. As yet I still haven't gotten past the raw jaggedness of this tragedy. I do still feel a great deal on anger. The "what if's" abound. My Paula was complaining of abdominal pains months before she finally agreed to see a Dr. What if I had insisted she have it checked earlier? What if we had chosen a different treatment procedure? What if we had made any of the hundreds of decisions differently? Who knows? I realize this is all second-guessing but I still think that possibly something we could have done might have lead to a very different outcome. My Paula and I trusted her oncologist completely as we know he did his very best. Continuing confirmation letters from My Paulas insurance provider indicate the he followed the acceptable courses of treatments. But still I remain angry. At who or what I don't know. Just angry and hurting. Chris

Thinking on all this keeps my headache ongoing. I'm so tired. Tomorrow at 2:00PM is the two month date of My Paulas memorial service. Not going to be a good day for me, again. I am struggeling with maintaining my composure. I'm sure I will loose it later today and tonight. Rhetorically, what do any of you do when you fully recognize that friends and family "pull back" from contact with you? Initial condolences and support dwindle to little or no contact at all. My brothers the preachers, our children and grand-children up to a point, My Paulas mother, My Paulas sisters, my other brother, long-time friends, etc. I find it somewhat, well I just can't seem to put it into words. Is it still hard for them too, or do they possibly not have a clue as what to do either? I see it and it makes me feel odd, strange, outcast, uncomfortable. Why is it equally uncomfortable for them too? Am I so much less personable and friendly without My Paula than before? Does the grief, pain, and change in me since My Paulas passing show that greatly? Is this another fact of life I have to learn to live with? These issues bother me. Something else I have noted is the "pity" in some others eyes. Don't you all just hate that? I know this tragedy has changed me but people seem to react like there is some sort of contagion associated with me. I just can't get a good "read" on this. Do we inadvertantly give off signs and signals that say "keep away"? What is now a lonely life made lonelier by peoples withdrawal and hesitance. Chris

Who is to say what "normal" is? It has to differ for each individual. I use the terms "letting go" and "moving on" for lack of better descriptive words or terms, too. I have yet to see how allowing any thoughts or actions to enter the space My Paula so completely occupied can do so without displacing My Paula in the process. In fact, I'm trying my best to NOT allow anything else in. If attitudes and actions I take regarding My Paula fills the hole in my heart there is no room for anything else but her, I ask "Why not"? After all, why can't it be "normal" for me? Or am I in deep trouble here? Obsessive? Perhaps. Futile? Possibly. Possible? Why not. Chris

Welcome to my world. Hard on myself? I have tried so very hard to learn to "live" with this. My guilt, my sin of omission is absolutely real to me. I forsake her memory by NOT actively being engaged in nothing but that. Simply existing without My Paula is not enough. I need and want what I can't have. My broken heart and soul cry out in vain. The depths of my total despair is killing me. Even one day of NOT loving My Paula is one day I can not bear. If I don't hold on with every ounce of strength for every moment I am surely lost. My strength eminates from her presence, not just her spirit. That connection is real. That connection is lost. That link to reality shattered. My level of dedication and intensity to My Paula now is obviously not enough. If it were I would /could never go for any length of time without thinking of her. Just as I did for 35 years. Every hour of every day was devoted solely to loving My Paula. It often interferred with my work, my hobbies, my "down time". I didn't care then, I don't care now. "I" didn't matter. Only My Paula mattered to me. Nothing but full-time all consuming loving dedication to My Paula. She responded in kind. We were/are a universe unto ourselves. We let NOTHING ever come between us for any reason. No distractions, no diversions, no interference, NOTHING! All I have left is to strive at any cost to hold on to all I have left. Pictures and memories. The proudest time of my life was complete devotion to My Paula during her final three years. To have less intense emotions now is abhorrent and a totally unsatisfactory mind-set. I would certainly hope that after two months she would still grieve for me. Not to the level I am caught-up in, but still reeling from my loss. I truly, honestly believe this level of intensity is rational and appropriate for me. I can NEVER love her less. My Paula is gone and I love her even more. I miss My Paula more than my life it's self. This course of actions may hasten our reunion due to stress and grief. I often hope so. If not, my dedication to My Paula will keep her alive and present in my heart. Where she has been the focal point and center of my existence for the majority of my life. Yesterday proved completely that My Paula is indeed NOT with me no matter what I do. I have to, must, actively concentrate on her and her alone if I ever expect her to remain constantly with me. What will be "Hard on Myself" is to let this situation ever come to pass again. I may be clinically depressed now. Don't know the full ramificatios of that. I do know I can't let My Paula out of my mind and heart for any reason. To do so is the end of me. Chris