boogieman

You are all right. I need to follow-up with someone. Yesterday was just too hard. I finally got that e-mail to our son. It was late yesterday but he responded. Seems he wants the proceeds from me selling My Paulas vehicle. In fact he seemed somewhat sentimental because it is his Momz. I hope this sacrifice helps mend the broken situation. I know I feel better. It is unseasonably cool and rainy here. Early this morning the doorbell rang twice. Once at 8:10 and again at 11:15. Checking both times I noticed no wet footprints leading to the door. You can't get to the door without walking across the porch. I am even more convinced this is My Paula announcing her presence. I think the sacrifice we made for our son pleases her. I also give her credit for steering me in that direction." Thank You Dear. I Love You Too". I need to get started on the vehicle but its raining. I sure could use the distraction today. Tonight and tomorrow are going to be hard too. My Paula passed at 3:00AM tomorrow morning, three months ago on April 16th, also a Tuesday. Mary, apologies for not acknowledging your surgery. Our prayers go out to you. Chris

I certainly am having a hard tiome finding that peace. Yesterday, I purposfully denied the importance of the day by NOT focusing on the significance and revelence . Slept very little last night. Woke tired and even more tense. The computer guy came . Seems that somehow between checking e-mails this morning and when he came at 11:30 the computer died. An hour later I decided to move My Paulas computer here to my desk. Then the service provider crashed. Over 1-1/2 hrs later, they will send someoneout later this week. Then while transfering data from one computer to another, valuable data was lost. Other folders and such lost, or misplace, or renamed, or something. The new computer isn't configured at all like the other one. I can't find what I want or need. The cost of repairing or replacing it too expensive. Trying desperately to get the e-mail to our son Bradley with major delays. It was all just too much for me. I had a complete and total melt-down. Crying, wailing, chest pounding, blood pressure off the scale, head throbbing, hands shaking, couldn't catch my breath. for over 1/2 hr. Called our oldest son who came right over. Almost talked me into the emergency room. I finally calmed down after an hour or so. Now I feel absolutely terrible. Hurting all over, tense, edgy, jumpy, nervous. Obviously the computer is up due to his efforts. I do so depend on him. I think that by denying my emotions yesterday I paid a higher price today. Had I a quick private means of escape today I would be gone now. But I didn't. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless as this afternoon, not even 3 months ago. If Bobbie (Gregs wife) had not called and kept me on the phone until Greg arrived I don't know what I would have done. Too many more episodes of this and I will be done. I can't and won't go through this repertedly. Todays was 10X worse than Mothers day, and that was very bad indeed. I'm trying my best to hang on but loosing my grip. And I still have tonight, tomorrow, and Tuesday morning to face. (My Paula passed at 3:00AM tuesday). I would have never believed this would get harder , but for me it has. Unbearably so. Who knows what the next 18 hours will be? Certainly not me! Chris

Its Sunday morning. Didn't sleep well. I realize that I didn't get emotional over the events of yesterday 3 months ago when we had to admit My Paula to the hospital for the final time. I don't know how to feel about that. I thought I would have been very emotional but not so. Maybe I'm just numb and completely exhausted all the time. Maybe, as I possited some time back, I am slowly loosing the tenuious grasp I have on all this. Either way I feel tense and on-edge. I can't help but sense My Paula slowly slipping away. And I HATE IT! I don't like where all this is taking me now.

I do enjoy the doorbell. I think todays was special considering. Just My Paula letting me know she is around. Had a very quiet reflective day. Did little, rested, napped and contemplated the totality of events. Almost numbing to consider the circumstances leading to where I am. The sadness and lonliness pervasive. Even that took more energy than I have.

I made it to Saturday (today) despite my hopes to not. By this time exactly 3 months ago My Paula was in the hospital, never to see home again. I have nothing to do, nothing I want to do, but love My Paula, miss her , and grieve for her. I had hoped that at some point this ordeal might abate, lessen to some degree. It has only gotten worse instead. I miss My Paula more now than ever before. A pall has fallen over me and this house. One bright note though. At 5:40 AM the doorbell rang again. Checking to make sure, no one was at the door or anywhere to be seen on the street. So I know it was My Paula coming by again. "Thank you Dear. I Love you Too".

I am honored that Rick made his first post on my what ever this is. Thank you Rick for your service to our country. I for one appreciate it. Our grandson is an Army Ranger and I am so proud of him. Please forgive my frustrations. Thanks Rick. You are right, not many men here. That is their loss. Out of frustration I need to vent. I grew up in construction. Started working when I was 10. Been in construction most of my life. All through high school. Studied Architecture in college. Right back into construction afterwards. started my own remodeling business. Residential, commercial, process gas piping systems, high-rises, anything and everything. You have to be very hard both inside and outside to survive a lifetime in construction. Hard men doing hard jobs. I was as hard as the came. Guys used to call my "The Ice Man" because I was so hard and cold. Similar to the MARINES-no disrespect Rick. Did my own thing for 47 years. When I met My Paula. I knew I could NOT remain hard and keep her too. I allowed her to knock the bark and hard edges off me. She showed me how to be a real man. Now she is gone and I don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired, exhausted, from trying to distract myself from these feelings. It takes too much energy. I married My Paula in 1979 until death do us part. Well, I'm still alive so I CHOOSE to remain married. No dating for me. I'm not fit company anyhow. I just can not get over, past, through, or around, this unimaginable pain and agony. If I drank I'd be drunk. If I did drugs I'd be as high as the perverbial kite. I wish sometimes I did SOMETHING to get away from all this. But no matter what I do, THERE IT IS! WAITING FOR ME TO HAVE A WEAK MOMENT! AND I ALWAYS DO! I haven't cared what people think of me for a very long time. I'm now 65. I cry when I need to. I hurt ALL THE TIME! Now this issue with our youngest son. I spent 3 hours composing a letter to him today. I've been agonizing about this all week. Finally finishing the draft this morning. Ran a few errands. Started the letter. 3 hours wasted as soon as I hit "send" the computer imploded and nothing was saved. Not a trace of that oh so carefully worded letter. My frustration meter is pegged, blood pressure off the scale, chest tightening, headache, shaking hands, seeing spots. I HATE THIS! Rick, if I had the faintest clue how to contact you directly I would. I don't personally know another guy in our situation. Not one! And you are right. With all due respect to all the fine ladies here, this is somehow different for men. Don't ask me how. My guess is that they are stronger than us. No big financial issues here. No money, no means of escape. The house is paid for but the bills just keep rolling in! I'm still having to pay medical expenses from April. Oh and by the way, this Saturday is exactly 3 months to the day when My Paula had to be admitted to the hospital at 10AM to be exact for the final time. Now I get to look forward to that ungodly day too. Will this never end? How much is one person expected to be able to cope with? The children all have plans with other family this weekend. So here I sit all alone AGAIN! I talked to my buddy Nick but that did nothing to calm the rage inside me. Maybe I'll have that extrta large massive anurism and not have to deal with this any longer. I just can't stand it! Guess I'd never make it as a MARINE, eh, Rick? I appreciate all the advice but it just doesn't seem to help much right now. And now is when I need some relief! I have no clue as to what I'm doing. Guess I'll wander around for a while and stress-out some more. Thanks again Rick for jumping in here. Appreciate it.

Computer guy not coming until later. I did compose a long letter addressing most of his/my issues in as kind a voice as I could but still make my point. I have offered alternatives. I'll see where they stand. Our house is ALWAYS open to friends and family. They vowed before to NEVER return to Texas again, so I'll see. I have offered My Paulas Explorer to them. Even offered to ship it to them. I offered to sell it and send them the money, however much it might be. I realize that the final outcome rests almost completely with him. If he accepts the offer, great! If not there is little else I can do but love him in spite of himself. I am his DADZ! I pray My Paula understands and supports my decision. I think she does.I also think the decision would be the same were she here in person. "Thank You My DEAR, I Love You"

Thank you Mary, again. Not discounting your ideas or sugestions but another factor is time. They must vacate their house by August 31st or be physically evicted. That is barely seven weeks to deal with and implement any action taken. I seek a compromise that will be satisfactory to all parties. This affects the entire family in one fashion or another. I must tread carefully here. My Paula and I are so very careful in our financial matters. Not having a lot of money we had no other choice. Baring a satisfactory compromise solution I know I must ultimately make a hard decision. I could refinance the house but have no way to repay that loan. And at 65, retired, and on disability, I probably couldn't qualify anyhow. I could dip into whats left of our lifes savings but that could compromise my future, this house, the family. I come from a long line of family that lived well into their late 80's and 90's. So I must consider that, too. I can't/won't become a burden on my children. Just can't. I seriously doubt a counselor could get to the bottom of this quickly enough to allow me/us the time to figure something out. I have to shut-down the computer for a day or so. Seems there is a virus or something going on. Hang in there with me and hopefully I'll be back soon. Chris

If we can't be open and honest what is the point? Every story has two sides. Somewhere between the two lies the truth. Despite everything that has transpired, he is our son whom we love unconditionally. Thinking I may loose him so soon after loosing My Paula is more than I can bear. As a father I must decide what level of sacrifice I am willing to make. All? Nothing? Somewhere in between? Where in between? I owe that to my children, I owe that to My Paula. What kind of father and husband would I be otherwise?

Mary, I'll try to explain "can't be wrong again" Our youngest lives in Mass. We got the PET results in early March 2013. I called Bradley to give him the update and asked him to arrange his schedule to get here, at our expense, as soon as possible. One week went by, no response. Another week went by, no response. I checked the airlines and secured all the travel arrangements. I called and told Bradley of such. Another week goes by without response. By this time My Paula took a serious turn for the worse. Her cancer was spreading very rapidly and she was in tremendous pain constantly. I tried everything in my power to get her pain meds increased and the frequency increased to no avail. Talked to the oncologist numerous times. Her prognosis changed from 6 months to one - two weeks at best due to her rapidly deterioriating condition. Trying again to contact Bradley with the new update, My Paula asked me to not try any more. She was hurt so deeply by Bradley's less than stellar response she closed the door on expectations of seeing him before she passed. And she didn't. That Thursday, Thursday night, Friday, Friday night (April 11th and 12th) were absolute hell for her. We decided early on the 13th she needed to be admitted to the hospital. Not knowing the complete situation until later that day her prognosis was lowered to 2-3 days max. Finally reaching Bradley late on the 13th. They decided to wait until Sunday the 14th to make their travel arrangements. I was staying at the hospital no matter what. Their arrangements couldn't get them here before Tuesday the 16th, the day My Paula passed. Calling him at 3:30 AM to tell him his Mother was gone triggered an anxiety attack. He fell-out an had a small "seizure-like-event?". His wife, instead of getting them on a plane, had him sent to a local hospital to be checked out. That Doctor wouldn't let him fly until Thursday the 18th. They arrived but refused to come to our/his home because..."It was my fault I didn't get him here in time to tell his Mother goodby". My Paulas service was on Friday the 19th. (Same days as this month). He refused to even attend her memorial service. Again, everything was MY fault for not "getting him here in time". Long story, but I now have to live with all that guilt and rejection for circumstances beyond our control. I was in total shock and shut-down from the 12th thru the 19th. He hasn't spoken to or even acknowledged me since. He communicates through his sister, Emily only. Now, because they have lost their house in Mass. they have no money and no place to live. He wants me to provide him app. $30,000 so they can buy a motor home to live in. Our potential reconciliation seemingly relies on that money. So I know I "can't afford to be wrong again". The loss of our son will be devistating. And combined with the loss of My Paula less than 3 months ago, I know I will NOT be able to withstand the pressure. I am in constant agony over all this. Stress meter pegged-out since Monday when he finally e-mailed me. Guilt, pressure? You bet! How much am I expected to bear? I keep trying to find a means of accomodating him but finances are low and this certainly isn't fair for his brother and sister, either. No matter my decision people other than myself are going to be hurt, namely some or all our children. Possibly irreconcilably. No way to win this one. Not unless I get my legal affairs in order to have my estate available for all the children. At this critical juncture grieving is a cake walk. WHAT AM I TO DO??? PAULA WHERE ARE YOU??? I NEED YOU!!!!

So much to do. So little energy or desire to do it. So confused. Hurting so deeply. So lonely. I MISS MY PAULA! CRYING, SAD, AND LONELY TOO MUCH! Tears so heavy now I can barely see the keyboard. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! THE UTTER SHEER FRUSTRATION OF THIS! THE HOPELESNESS! THE AGONY! I DONT WANT TO LEARN TO COPE! I NEED THIS TO END! I NEED TO BE WITH MY PAULA!!!!!

Where to begin. Thanks Dee, and welcome here. We can all use all the support available. What if my best isn't good enough? What if My Paula could find a way to make the situation for our son go-away when I can't? What if I could figure something out but won't/can't make that sacrifice for him? Sacrifice that will affect me and the entire family from this point forward. What if he doesn't understand? I know, a lot of "what if's", but that is reality. I can't afford to be wrong again. I am so alone and can't bear it! I do know that most here are so familiar with what I now just begin to try to comprehend and adjust to. That's why I'm here. I find myself humbled at realizing just how much I relied on My Paula all these years. Together we were almost invincible. Alone not so much so. Her wisdom and insights far excede mine. Together we found it easy to make the hard choices knowing that we could implement any decision made. Now so unsure of most situations alone, I find myself second-guessing things that should be/were easy. My inner confidence is rooted in her peace, serenity, and understanding abilities. Having little energy, and even less focus, every mole-hill is becoming a mountain. Our daughter, Emily(named after my grand mother) has her hands full with her life. Managing several dental clinics, her two children and 3 grand-children, her son (my grandson in the military) is being deployed to Afghanistan in January, and persuing her real estate career (business is very good here in the Dallas area) keep her working 12-14 hours daily and every week-end. I wouldn't presume to interfere with her goals. She was able to take a two week leave during My Paulas/MOMZ hospitalization and subsequent passing to help organize and get ME through those unimaginably difficult times. She hasdn't got any more time off work available. I did have a very good day yesterday though. That same grand son, in the military, has a two week leave prior to starting extensive training for his deployment. We went to a movie and I helped work on his car with him which we both enjoyed. At one point the house was filled with family! Nine in total. The house was filled with joy just as My Paula always welcomed. It pleases her. That was a so very welcome distraction for delaying the actions I must face. Now I face the same agonizing issues again today. Still don't know the best course of action, if there is one. As "they' say..."If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice". Either way the fear of being wrong again is terrifying and so very stressful. I was planning to spend part of the day with my friend Nick, but he is not feeling well. He thinks it a stomach virus that I can't be exposed to. Not in my current state. Yes I do all this alone. Since I have little clue as to where to even begin, the enormity stymies me as each issue demands my attention simultaniously. I'm simply lost without My Paula. A nap would be nice but my stress and anxiety levels won't allow that to happen. What to do? Chris

Thank you Joyce and welcome here. I appreciate your support. Oh my friends. This is killing me! I read your words of support and encouragement and appreciate them and the thoughts behind them. But the reality is so much harsher. Consistantly applying these to daily life is THE MOST difficult endeavor I have ever had the misfortune to undertake. What might provide slight comfort one day is completely inefective the next. So every day is dealing with the unbearable pain and looking for another outlet, too. My Paula was a para-legal. She knew the law. We had all the required survivorship paperwork in hand. I realize I now need a will which is so much more technical and important. My Paula isn't here to tell me the proper wording and structure for maximum benefit for our/my heirs. Time is so very important now. I feel I have little or no time to waste. I need to have co-signers established for all my financial matters, too. This takes time, effort, legal manuvering, documents, and notarizations. All time consuming. And soon I must dissapoint our youngest son in Mass. I can't afford to help him financially as he presently needs. Trying desperately to find a means to do so, I discover that with 3 years of medical/hospital/home-care nursing/monthly insurance premiums/co-pays/testings/MRI'S/CT'S/PET scans/surgeries/Dr's fees/surgical fees/ambulance fees/our house, and a myriad of other out-of-pocket expenses we are responsable for app. $120,000 out of our life savings. 3 months later and the bills keep coming! Now to NOT be able to help our youngest son in his great time of need is overwhelming. Someone is going to be hurt and disappointed no matter what I do. I don't see an out. I still passionately love My Paula. I miss her as so few can comprehend. I desperately need to be with her. Welcome to MY world. Chris

I'm so confused lately. Needing to get these legal issues settled before I take whatever action I take is proving a daunting task. Not only do I not WANT to accomplish this, there have been several huge stumbling blocks arise to preclude, delay, or prevent me from doing them. All I know is that the stress from all this is tremendous. I haven't felt well for days now. No idea what to do. Needless to say I haven't been able to make ANY decision yet. Such is the story of my life since My Paula passed. Chris

Despite the seemingly forward progress the last few weeks, unfolding events since my last post have pointed me in a particular direction. It is very personal and I won't go into it here. I must leave here and the friends I have made. I must spend the next few days getting my legal affairs in order so that I can get away from here. I simply can not bear the crushing pressure, uncertainty, and loneliness any longer. I have no idea where I will go, but I can't stay here any longer. My Paula understands and I ask you to try to do the same. Chris

Thank you, Ann for posting that special quote. I could not agree more. How rare and special those people are in our lives who we can be completely comfortable with at all times! This brings tears to my eyes, too. Chris

Yes Kay, they are wonderful children. We did an admirable job in raising them. Very proud of them. Greg was here again earlier today to do the yard for me. Had a nice visit, too. It is very hot here so I had a light late lunch then dozed off in my chair. The doorbell rang at 2:30 PM. Hoping it was My Paula I jumped up and ran to the door. No one there so I checked up and down the street. NADA! It was My Paula again. I know it was. I felt her presence. What a special, wonderful, surprise she is. I know this pleases her because it pleases me. "Thank you, Dear. I Love You Too!" Now slightly rested and so very pleased I can face the rest of my day. Chris

Thanks to all again. Fae, I try now to only cry alone as this new reality is still hard on Greg, Bobbie, and Chrissie too. No use in needlessly upsetting them too. I know they understand. It's just easier for all for me to be private. I think they see this as me finally having some simbalance of control. HA! Thank you for the "Thumbs Up", Mary. I appreciate it. Kay, progress is so relative. But forward at any pace is better than no progress at all. Bobbie even commented again how she wanted to come over some time to get My Paulas recipies. So the cook-book is right on the mark IF I can keep her from them for 5 more months! I ALLOWED myself to have a good day. And it was. Apparently My Paula was here or it might not have been as good as it was. Greg did some maintenance things and let me "supervise". Bobbie stepped up admirably to fill the role of MOMZ. We worked, laughed, talked, visited, spoke warmly of My Paula, and cooked burgers out on the grill. I am so very proud of them. They, by their presence, honored and pleased My Paula and me. I made it through the day only becoming emotional a few times. But I held it together in spite of those so familiar sad feelings. They left about 7:30 to go see fireworks close to their house. I stayed home to collapse in exhaustion. This dealing with grief and trying to function normally too, is HARD WORK. I think I pulled it off. Now tearing up as I fully realize My Paula wasn't here physically to enjoy the shared good time. Maybe because I'm so tired. I just miss her so! Now physically tired and emotionally drained I head for a shower and then to bed. To cry myself to sleep. "G-Night Dear, I Love You" Chris

Planning for a work day/cook-out day today with Greg and Bobbie. As I was getting the meal items out and readied I had a break-down realizing My Paula can't be here to enjoy the food. I hope to have her here with us though. I thought I made some progress the last few days only to be wrecked again just now. I need to get this crying-spell over with before they arrive. We will have a good day in spite of myself. I just heard the doorbell again. Thinking it might be MY Paula checking-in I ran to the door. It is our oldest grand-daughter, Chrissie! What a nice surprise as she is spending the day with us, too. My Paula and I are pleased. Chris

Thanks to all for the support. I MADE myself DO something yesterday that got me out of the house. It was hard but I did it none-the-less. And today I had to go to the bank too. I even made me sweep, dry mop, and double wet-mop all the hardwood flooring today. That took about 2 hours. My Paula is so proud of her hardwood floors, how could I not oblige and please her, and me too? Was invited to Greg's and Bobbie's for a home-cooked meal tonight. Really nice, warm, visit. We spoke of My Paula (MOMZ) often. Very nice visit. They are coming here tomorrow for a work day/cookout. I am honestly looking forward to this day together. My Paula gave me a great idea that will please her and give me something constructive to do. I'm going to complile a cook book of My Paulas favorite recipies for Bobbie for Christmas. As many as possible written in My Paulas hand. Personal, unique, priceless, and straight from My Paulas heart. I know Bobbie will be pleased, too. Has been a long constructive 2 days. Headache again so it's aspirin and bed time. Thanks to all again. Chris

I have a growing list of chores that could/should be addressed. Writing in my journal I see that I just don't have the drive to even get started much less finish even a single item. I can make the effort physically but not emotionally. For three years My Paula and I did EVERYTHING together every day. I happily did my chores for our benefit and her pleasure. Now alone I find I want to do NOTHING alone. I know at some point, perhaps, I must. But not now. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. A tomorrow just like yesterday. My future alone. Alone in my deep grief and sorrow for the loss of my best friend, my lover, my wife, MY PAULA. Chris

Even though it's a nice day for Texas here, I don't have the energy or drive to do anything. Best definition is anxious, stressed, uncomfortable, uneasy. I just can't seem to relax and just "be". I seem to be in a state of shock. Trying to rest but this constant headache just won't go away. And it's only 3:30 PM with the rest of the day to go and another long lonely night. Chris

I made it through yesterday. Lonely and so very tired. Had a nice short visit from #1 son and family in the afternoon. Too short. Fell asleep in my chair from exhaustion. Not hungry so I went to bed early. Cried myself to sleep, again. I was awakened at exactly 5:00 AM by the doorbell. Checked to make sure it was My Paula. It was. Laid back down to try for much needed sleep, only to be roused at 5:55 AM by the doorbell again. Checked again that it was My Paula. It was. Maybe this is a sign/signal from her concerning all this. I certainly don't know. I'm beginning to see a pattern of "5's" here. Maybe she is trying to tell me something. Again, I don't know. Yes, Kay, there were many times we sat quietly, comfortably, just enjoying each others presence. But hardly ever without acknowledging each other and often. "How you doing, Dear?" "Can I get you something?" "Is that a good game?" "Who is winning the race?" "I just read something interesting. Want to hear it?" "You ready for another log on the fire?" "It's almost your nap time, Dear." "I love you Dear." "I love you too." Very few had that close a sharing, intimate relationship. And I miss it so deeply. I do know that when I "take a break" I often feel worse afterwards when my thoughts inevitable turn back to My Paula. The longer the "break" the worse I feel. At the same time I realize that the deeper my sorrow, the more likely the doorbell rings. Another connection? I just don't know. I know it has only been 2-1/2 months since My Paula passed but it feels like an eternity. This constant strain, stress, and up-heavel certainly does take a toll. Trapped in this struggle with no end in sight. I miss My Paula and the warm, easy, comfortable, way we had with each other. Chris

If so, why do I feel so deeply that I have abandoned her? Is it, at least in part, My Paula expressing her displeasure? My stomach is tied in knots. The stress building. My chest hurting. The anxiety rising. If My Paula is "with me day and night", how could I so easily NOT keep her in the forefront of my every conscious moment? My answer is selfish indulgence at My Paulas expense. To NOT continually, consciously, hold her in the most special place in my everyday life is a denegration to the impact My Paula has over me. I can not accept that. By NOT doing so does she slip from the esteemed, exhaulted position I hold her in? I say, yes. My Paula is my life, my all, my everything. I worship the ground she walked on, the air she breathed. I am no harder on myself than this overwhelmingly deep grief is on me. My attitude about this is a manifestation of the deep hurt and pain I deal with constantly. Holding My Paula in the forefront of my every wakeing moment somehow lessens that hurt and pain. Pain I am having such a hard time dealing with. I pray for inner peace. But not at the expense of My Paula. I love her too much. Today promises to be another agonizingly long day. Chris

The question is often asked..."What would (fill in the blank) want for you?" What if the answer is ..."I want you here, with me." No, seriously. What if that is the answer? Adding to my sorrow I realize that in order to accomodate those around me, and trying to be less dire and melancholy, I spent the day and now the night in total disregard of My Paula. I ALLOWED myself the "time off" so to speak. I realize I have lost even that much more time AWAY from My Paula. I hate that I ALLOWED myself this selfish indulgence. I have now done EXACTLY what I swore I would NEVER do. To disregard and ignore My Paula for even the briefest of moments. Dishonorable at best. Dispicable. How can My Paula be pleased with me if I can ignore her so easily and completely? As I stated previously, any effort on my part to to try to "learn to live with this" could increases the gulf between us. And I have proven it, to myself, by todays loathsome actions. I feel detached and disconnected from My Paula to the greatest extent to date. I HATE this feeling! And I ALLOWED it to happen! I don't like the person I am becoming without My Paula. He is too moody, sad, and lonely for me. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. What if the answer REALLY is..."I want you here, with me."