boogieman

My plans for Monday morning early were interupted. Being exhausted I laid down and fell into a trance-like state immediately. I barely remember heading to bed. I lived through the nightmare again. Deciding to try to alter the all too hated status-quo, I tried something different to deal with the agony. In a mind-set of complete selfishness I put the entire ordeal aside as a means of escape from it. I stayed in bed watching movies and sleeping. All day. Nothing to eat or drink. Just me alone thinking of nothing, simply existing. The phone didn't ring. No knock on the door. A day of complete shut-down. Falling into exhausted sleep again early this morning. My Paula has been my main focus in life for 35 years. Almost everything I do, every decision, every action is taken in consideration of her and from her perspective. Every decision based on how My Paula would act, react, or be affected by. Yesterday I made a very bad decision. One I will have to do everything in my power to correct. By setting My Paula aside, even for the day, I dishonored and disrespected her in a manner I find shameful. My solemn vow 35 years ago was to ..."honor, respect, and cherish her to the exclusion of all others until death do us part". A vow I so proudly made and easily honored because she is My Paula. In one day I violated every vow promised. I turned my back on her. I ignored her. I spent the entire day NOT cherishing her. Now I feel dispicable, embarassed, and shamed. I let her down in every way possible by NOT maintaining her as the focal point in my life. I feel as if I "cheated" on her by ignoring her. Putting myself ahead of her is NOT .."to the exclusion of all others". How could I have been so blind and dismissive of her? The guilt and shame of my actions will stay with me. She is My Paula and deserves so much greater. I ask myself why I did this dispicable thing to find the only answer is I was selfish. In such pain and agony, in such a state-of-mind, I lost sight of My Paula and dishonored her inadvertantly. Intentional or not, the effect is still the same. I allowed myself to set My Paula aside. I forgot My Paula. I chose to ignore her. A potential fear that has haunted me since this past April 16th. Now in a very short two months time I have committed the sin of omission that I swore to never do or allow to happen. I find this to be an unforgivable act by me. I am brought to my knees with guilt and shame. To disregard My Paula in such a selfish, flippant manner is reprehensable. I still passionately love My Paula with every fiber of my being, with every measure of energy I possess. To now treat her with such disregard horrifies and abases me to the very core of my being. How is it possible that I could not see the outcome of my actions? How could I allow this to happen without considering the impact on her? How did I so carelessly choose this as a viable alternative? Why now, after 35 years of faithful devotion, did I turn away from My Paula? My image of myself in relationship to My Paula is damaged. Possibly beyond repair as I have yet to find a way or the means to forgive myself. I let me down. I let her down. How must My Paula feel knowing the inexcusable actions I have taken? I have noted my fears of exactly this happening in prior posts. Now to be forced to face and admit to this unthinkable action. A mind-set I NEVER wanted to exist. I choose to live with the pain and agony over NOT having My Paula always fresh on my mind for exactly this reason. I can't "let go" or "move on" if that means loosing even the slightest aspect of My Paula. Even now I still worship and adore My Paula. Being in constant tortuous agony is preferred over not having My Paula at all. Even the slightest disregard of My Paula, even for the briefest of moments is totally unacceptable to me. A situation I will NOT allow to EVER occur again no matter the costs to me. I am still very much alive, so passionately in love with My Paula, and will remain married to her until my death. My vows to My Paula, and hers to me, are still in full effect and will be honored even to my potential detrement. Life with her under these circumstances is preferred to no life at all. Chris

Its exactly 3:30 AM . The hour My Paula was pronounced officially.

At 3:00 AM this morning, less than 1-1/2 hours from now, My Paula passed away just 2 months ago on April 16th. I hate this state of constant stress and anxiety, the uncertainty, this never-ending loneliness, the pain and agony of life as it is now. So hopeless and meaningless, so not worth dragging myself through the torture of every day to still feel this frustration and futility, devoid of hope and completely emotionally wasted without My Paula. I realize My Paula is not only THE love of my life, she is my perfect ideal fantasy, the one true love of my heart, the one I dreamed about. My Paula who I worshiped, cherished, and adored, my one love that made all my dreams come true. Going on without My Paula is more than I can accept. My only desire is to be with her. I appreciate you all and pray good things for you. Chris

I know this is a tenative day-to-day existence. Exhausted last night I crashed, hard. Woke with all the usual stress-anxiety issues in full force. So down and sad. Not a good way to start any day. I try so hard to cope with this. To get and have some perspective, some sort of balance in my life, only to be crushed again and again. The highs are not high enough or frequent enough, the lows too low and consuming. I just don't see my way through this nightmare. From 35 years of glorious companionship to the depth of despair in an instant is more than I can bear. I know this is the despair talking. I find it harder and harder to overcome. Not able to control it, it engulfs me. I hate it but feel powerless to resist the control it has over me. I try to think of happier times which only magnifies the enormous gulf between then and now. Chris

Mary, yes he a close friend. His name is Nick. We have been friends since the early '90's. We used to work together in construction. He had to quit the industry due to a heart problem years ago. He worked for KRAFT foods until his retirement last year. I saw his children grow up and he mine. He and My Paula are friends. He spoke at My Paulas memorial service. We speak on the phone often. He was/is giving me the time and space for recovery from this tragedy. I know I can count on him for any support I need. He is the friend I referenced earlier as one of the few who understands. A very good man whom I trust. I begin to look forward to our hanging out again. We have common interests and both being retired we have the time. Now feeling a little more melancholy as the day is winding down. I hope this is normal too. The house is so quiet and nothing on TV interests me much anymore. So I sit and reflect on My Paula. I miss her so. Tearing up now so I need to go. Chris

Ladies, I am humbled by your kind words, explanations, insights, and encouragement. I think that possible I now begin to see a possible pathway up this mountain of unimaginable sorrow and grief. Is it possible that sometimes a step backwards allows for a better view of the pathway? I will re-read these last posts several times to glean a better understanding. Still so unsure and upset by all of this I begin to realize the inevitable. Earlier I did heed someones advice and got out for a while. Did some shopping, took care of a business matter, and stopped in to visit an old friend of ours. One of the few who seems to understand. After a short visit I began to feel anxious again but I stayed for a few minutes longer at his insistance until that subsided. Coming home I stopped for a bite of lunch. Getting back home I felt briefly distracted and diverted from the grief and sorrow for just a little while. Even somewhat at ease. Then Bobbie (Daughter/Daughter-in-law) dropped in for a short visit. She helped me decide where best to arrange the pictures of My Paula around the house, just as My Paula would appreciate. I know I appreciate the gesture. I think that helped her (Bobbie) in her grief process, too. Now more relaxed and at ease I post here. Thanks again Ladies. By the way Kay, my birthday is June 10th also. Chris

Apologies Mary. I misinterpreted your meaning. Apparently my mind has a mind of its own sometimes. Right now all I have are memories and the pain. The pain a constant reminder of my loss. The memories are the past I so long for. Tomorrow I will look into the posibility of counseling as I do have a real fear of loosing My Paula again. Right now I can't let go as that is all I have. The permission to enjoy life again I find foreign. Enjoyment of and for life has been ripped away. Time is not a friendly ally now. The sense of urgency too great. Thank you too Kay. At one point not so long ago I knew nothing about cancer. How quickly I had to emerse myself in that. I only hope is to find as much solid info on this subject as I did the other. Being My Paulas caretaker was my honor, never overwhelming. I was good at caring for her. Hopefully tomorrow brings better days. Chris

As you said Mary, you are not as conscious of Bill as three tears ago. To me that is "moving on". I applaude your tenacity. I am by no means sure I can do what you are doing. Time and age erases the things we don't make the effort to hold on to agressively. To my horror I have already in two months time caught myself not considering My Paula in something I say or do. I just can not allow that trend to continue unchecked. Already I find myself loosing the tenuious grasp I hold on to so dearly. I get upset with myself for that lapse. What might it be in 6 months, or a year from now if I don't make every effort to hold on to what I cherish so deeply? Being able and so proudly willing to sacrafice myself for My Paula for the past three years I find I don't really matter much anymore. Living is all about "moving on". I feel no great urge to do so without My Paula. I much prefer the prospect of being with her. I don't have a mission to fulfill, a duty to keep now. My entire being was devoted to caring for and loving her. That solemn vow upheld to the very end and beyond. Being so devistated by all this I can't seem to find my way through. I am so very tired of the constant struggle just to breathe alone. Before I met My Paula I was easily comfortable alone. She showed me just how majestic a true loving caring partnership was supposed to be. Now I find the prospects of that future without her unacceptable due to just how special and wonderful our relationship is. I prefer that to any other state of existence. Yes she would want better for me. And I also know My Paula would equally understand and forgive for that is her nature. Chris

Thanky you to all. Following up on your sugestions requires some simblance of organization and planning. Another thing I can barely manage. And leaving the safety and comfort of home where My Paula is. And Marty, I did light a candle for My Paula. I felt heart wrenching sadness as I acknowledged the reason for the ritual. If it is supposed to bring some closure or relief I completely missed it. Yes I am the broke-down old guy with physical limitations. I feel so much older than 65. I can hardly recognize the old man looking back at me in my mirror. In 2011 while My Paula was recovering from her colon surgery, her incision became infected requiring an agonizing 14 day extended stay in the hospital and 6 weeks daily home care afterwards. During that time frame my salt and pepper hair and beard turned snow white. A condition only exaserbated by my 3 years of complete attention and care for her. Now I have the time but no desire or drive for just me. I really hope I don't have to endure this agony too much longer. I am willing to be with My Paula at almost any measure. Without her my life is so pointless and without meaning. Right or wrong I see that moving on means leaving part of My Paula behind. The one thing I will never do. Observing rituals can not, will not, bring My Paula and me any closer together no matter how well meaning. I am stranded between heaven and hell. Can't go back. Abjectly devistated and frozen in the present. Afraid of loosing a part of My Paula by moving on. Chris

Another extremely sad day for me. It was two months ago today I had to admit My Paula into the hospital for control of her great pain. Today I hurt more than last month and even more than the day it had to happen. Stress, nerviousness, chest pains, stomach tied in knots, racing heart, high blood pressure, and my constant headache seem to consume and control the day. Very little sleep last night certainly doesn't help matters. I am once again at the end of my endurance. I just can't seem to find my way through this devistation. My Paula is gone and I am left here alone. It is such a sad and lonely place. So dark and hopeless. I cry out for her, for God, to give me some sort of relief, some modicum of comfort and ease. I gaze at My Paulas picture on the computer screen but today only see who and what I have lost, what we have lost. My anger, frustration, and sorrow is overwhelming. With no means of releasing it I feel the full weight of the total devistation now drowning me. A burden I have no means of dealing with. The lows seem to be getting lower. I have no energy left to try to struggle against the crushing weight. I am so tired from dealing with this. I don't know how to fight it. I'm overwhelmed here and loosing the battle. From my perspective there is no up, only down to a deeper, darker, lonelier place. Posting here I feel no better. I know there is nothing anyone can do. All I need is for My Paula to hold me, console me, bring me some comfort. And I know what the next three days will bring. More sorrow than I am able to comprehend. Chris

Greetings. I made the day by diving head-first into chores. I hated doing them but My Paula was always about getting things done. I found another method of dealing with this trauma. It is working for me, anyway. I put-up a picture of My Paula as a screen saver on my computer. Now I can peer into her beautiful eyes ever time I come here. And we talk. My Paula always is such a good listener!

It has only been 2 months next week I lost My Paula to cancer. Now most of our old friends, and more astonishingly , most family have stopped calling. What bothers me most is My Paulas Mother. Since My Paulas passing I have talked to her no more than 5-6 times. She has only been over here 3 times. On of My Paulas sister has yet to call, a sister that My Paula practically raised. The other I have called twice and seen twice. Same with my family. Several calls each the first few weeks has dwindeled to hardly any contact at all. I understand their getting-on with their lives. My life is on hold right now. People who have never experienced to totality of our type of loss are completely unprepared to deal with it or us. Like you I am sick and tired of the platitudes. Please don't say anything if you have nothing to say. As most people don't have anything to say it is more comfortable for them to stay away rather than deal with the circumstances we find ourselves in. I sense the uneasiness in others so try to keep my distance from them as they just don't want to hear what I need to say. It does get lonely at times. Chris

Oh yes. One of the most beautiful aspects of my life with My Paula was our talks. Even after 35 years we still talked like newly-weds. It was so easy and satisfying for us both. I talk to My Paula whenever the notion striks me , just like always. I still ask her advice. Ask her how her night was when I get up. Can I do anything for you? Do you need something? I tell her when I'm leaving the house. I ask her to come along for the ride. I call out to her when I get home. I tell her how much I love her a hundred times daily. Every night ends with "G-night Dear, I Love You". This to me keeps her present in my daily struggle with grief. Oh yes, I do love to talk to my Paula, and will continue to do so!.

Thanks again. I try to live in the moment. But I still find the same uncertainies, the same gnawing agony, the multitude of unknowns and unanswered questions. I can not let this go. They are my constant torment. Even in better times I know they are there waiting to erupt and consume me. I have absolutely no control as to when, where, or why. I find this lack of even the slightest bit of inner control very upsetting. It leaves me feeling open and vulnerable. I don't like that at all but can't seem to do anything about it. So I stay in a state of almost constant edginess, stress, and tenseness waiting for the next outbreak. The stress of this taking its toll. The few hours I get, if that many daily, without the unbearable agony do not even come close to being adequate to counter-balance the remainder of every so agonizing day. The full-blown stress/panic attacks I somewhat control by staying home. But I know and sense they are there ready just beneath the surface to explode at a moments notice. I see no sleep for me again tonight. Chris

The roller-coaster continues. Despite the good last few days I am so very sad, lonely and dejected today. Couldn't sleep at all last night. Splitting headache. No appetite. No sense of urgency to accomplish any of the mounting things on a very long to-do list. Not much will to go on. I am finding the devistating loss of My Paula becoming too much to recover from. I am striving as best as I can but seem to make no head-way. I absolutely hate this. The uncertainty, the stress, the constant inner turmoil, the loneliness, the extremes of grieving. It is taking too much energy just to survive. Energy I want to devote to loving My Paula. Chris

Thank you Marty for the dream charastics. Reading this sent chills up my spine as this is EXACTLY the criteria I expereienced. It WAS real. I know it. Even now I can feel My Paula in my arms again (Paula had become very touch sensative due to chemo), hear her soft calming voice (Paulas had become hoarse, weak, and raspy due to chemo), look into her deep beautiful eyes (Paulas had lost their sparkle), smell the freshness of her long beautiful hair (Paula had lost her hair due to chemo), the soft fullness of her lips (Paulas had become thin and dry due to chemo), feel the warmth from her body (Paula was constantly cold due to chemo), feel the smoothness of her beautiful skin (Paulas had become extremely dry due to chemo). I saw My Paula as I remember her from our first years together. She is young, radiant, healthy, with the glow that comes from youth and health, in her prime (Paula was 5'-3" and 110 lbs when we married), with an inner happiness, confidence, and contentment that I so readily recognized. Last night My Paula was my idealic vision of how I remember her. I was happy for My Paula at her final release from her excruciating pain and agony from cancer, yet heartbroken by her passing. I was equally happy for her last night to see her in such a beautiful new form - still as I remember her but perfected, yet saddened to know she is not here now. Now as I sit here crying I need to be alone with the beautiful new image of My Paula. To grieve for her, to miss her, to remember her, and to continue to be in love with her. Chris

Mary, the first thing I did was to write in my journal every detail, every word spoken, trying to capture every emotion, every nuance, of this so greatly needed encounter. It brings tears to my eyes and elation to my heart. Thank you. And, yes, I expect this to be a good day, too. I intend to enjoy it to the fullest. Chris

Even better news this morning. In a dream, My Paula and I were together again. She came to me in the night, whispering my name. Realizing it was her, I turned over to embrace her, to hold her once again in my arms, to so passionatly kiss. I felt her warmth. The smell of her hair. The softness of her lips. We lay beside each other as we always do. We talked and shared our precious time together. All to soon she reluctantly told me she had to go. Leaning to kiss her once more I woke. What a serene peaceful sense of warmth washed over me. I will always remember and cherish this brief encounter with My Paula. And on my birthday, too!

Well said KayC. These are the scriptures used to support no marriage, therefore no continuation of the "marriage" in heaven. Especially the passage from Luke. Possibly the interpretation leaves room for uncertainty because of our limited human understanding. I for one would like to know to relieve the pent-up anxiety I now carry and struggle with. Like I posted earlier, I may never know the answer until I join My Paula in heaven. But the question will always be with me. After all, to question authority in a civilized manner is not disrespectful. Our earthly curiosity teaches us to question that which we do not/can not understand. Having a valid reason to question anything is to open the doorway to greater knowlege. And this particular bit of knowlege I crave, yearn for. I will watch the videops referenced to by Marty and Mary tomorrow as it is getting later and I am so happily tired tonight. On a happier side note now. Today, much to my great pleasure and surprise, our children came here for a surprise birthday party for me! They invited several of my dearest friends too. A total of 14 family and friends! What a houseful of joy we shared together. The girls all pitched in and took over the role of hostess My Paula always so greatly enjoyed. And they performed their chosen tasks with pride and humbleness. My Paula is so proud of them. We cooked-out on the grill. Told anticdotes about My Paula/MOMZ. We laughed, cried a little, and we had a wonderful time together. They all finally left around 10:00 pm. A full day of joy and happiness so greatly pleases My Paula. I sense she was here enjoying the festivities. And I appreciate so very greatly the family My Paula raised. All kind, gentle, loving, caring, and giving adults. Just what she always hoped for them. I know she knows and is so very proud and pleased with herself for the fine work she did by setting the example she did. So throught her influence, what could have been a very sad time for me has been turned into one of humble peaceful respectful gratitude to our children, and especially to My Paula. Chris

WOW indeed! I seem to have a lot of time on my hands doesn't it? I find this issue so fundamentally basic I must seek an answer where so far none has been found. Not to find a religion or set of beliefs that fit my beliefs, but the absolute truth of togetherness in heaven. These are rhetorical questions at best. There are probably no answers to be found. That doesn't change the fact that what I so desperately want and need is in direct conflict with accepted Western Biblical tenents. Where is the truth in these diametrically opposing views? It can't be just as I want it be because I choose to believe a certain thing. If so, everyones version of heaven would be different from anyone elses. Or can it? As I was told, countless scholars and well educated men have written millions of words and innumerable essays for over two thousand years with no concensus being reached. I choose to believe in the Idealistic Eden-like scenario where peace and harmony rule the day. Where Adam and Eve became the first married couple. Where love for each other exclusively and togetherness are guaranteed for eternity. Where My Paula and I are blissfully reunited to enjoy each other forever. That doesn't make it so just because I want to believe it. Or does it? Modern theology says "NO"! Just as a compass with no needle or a clock without hands indicate nothing, I find myself lost without a sense of direction. Chris

I have done some research on the subject of marriage in heaven. My brothers, whom I respect, numerous web sites, and re-reading the applicable bible verses. I am led to believe there will be a reunion. There will be an acknowlegement of each other. A reconnection. The common glorious sharing of all that heaven has to offer. However, since our new existence will be completely devoid of any negative aspects, "marriage" in the earthly sense is replaced with GOD'S glory and devotion to him. By negative aspects I refer to lust, greed, envy, worshiping of another, control over another, jealousy, and others. From that perspective marriage is non-existant so those negative aspects of our nature can never become an issue even in heaven. That temptation is removed. Of course spending some of our time with loved ones is a part of the experience. My understanding is that it will be more platonic in nature. To be able to share all the glories of heaven in our new existance. But to be able to re-join with only one person can not happen. The shared happiness and glory is to be spread equally among all there, not just our spouses. I find this disturbing from my human perspective. If GOD has brought us together here, if our marriage is ordained and sanctified here by GOD, if we nurture and love our spouses so deeply here, if we obey and observe all the biblical guidelines regarding marriage, why can that not be allowed to continue if that union in heaven glorifies GOD? I just don't understand the negation of such deeply felt positive emotions and commitment to the sharing of our lives exclusively with only one other. How can that not be a beneficial aspect in heaven? In my mind the removal of any and all negative aspects of a relationship can only serve to benefit those coming from a committed relationship. I have prayed repeatedly about this. I still await an answer I may never get. When I was 19 and attending college I was involved in a very serious car accident. Pronounced DOA enroute to the hospital I had an out-of-body near death experience. I still have vivid memories of the entire ordeal. One of which was "Infinite Knowlege". I found I knew the answer to every question as I asked them, and I had a lot of questions. My point here is that being in the presence of GOD I sensed nothing that could or should prevent loved ones from being together for all eternity. Possibly being young with very little life experience and not having a special person in my life at that time limited my understanding. I just don't know. I believed this with all my being from the moment I met My Paula. Knowing we would be together for all eternity. Now to learn of a completely different scenario leaves me questioning and deeply disturbed. Possibly this other interpretation is based on "mans" limited understanding as the BIBLE does not directly answer the direct question. Either way I have clung to this positive precept my whole life. The possibility of never again to acknowlege My Paula as my wife in heaven leaves me even further broken. I need and want to focus my attentions to her and hers to me to the exclusion of all others but God and Jesus Christ. Not to elevate My Paula to an exhaulted status, but only to continue to love her as my wife. Maybe I question too much. Or think too much. Thinking back on my long standing church experiences I do not recall this issue ever being addressed. Either from a pulpit, from direct contact with various theological teachings, or my limited Bible studies. Now, asking this direct question I begin to see why this particular subject is raised so rarely. Surely I am not the only person to find this personally disturbing. Just the possibility of this being true I find unacceptable. I have been struggeling with this for weeks now. No closer now to understanding or accepting the answer since I asked the question. Perhaps someone wiser can explain it to me in plain english. These are very deep questions possibly better suited for other forums. The focus here is to help each other. And I do need some help in this area. If I could get possitive affirmation of this belief I think, I hope, I would be better equipped to cope without My Paula for a short while knowing that soon we would be together eternally. Returning to this post I have another comment to add. As most Western religions adhere to a strict interpretation of the Bible, the lack of specifics regarding marriage in heaven leaves little room for interpretation , or "reading between the lines", as very little is recorded there-in to try to get a true sense of how it may actually be. I personally find this omission troublesome and disturbing. Chris

Anne and Mary coming to my aide again. Thank you both so much. Both of you have been where I am now going. I appreciate your council. I had hoped my resolve would insulate me somewhat from the extreme lows of this agony. Perhaps later, certainly not now. I have been in contact with My Paulas Hospice provider. I find their responses less than completely satisfying. They send me e-mails listing monthly, bi-monthly, quarterly group meetings at locations all over the Metroplex. Contact info on county and state mental health facilities. State and national suicide hot-line info. None very close to my location. As I still have difficulty leaving our home I find these daunting tasks. By "venting" I refer to possibly some sort of physical action. I have vented emotionally by crying, screaming, yelling, bellowing at the moon even. Not much relief comes from that. I firmly believe in my GOD and know I will see My Paula again in heaven. She will not be my wife there or me her husband ever again. That institution is reserved for us here on earth exclusevly. Our special bond here forever to be denied there. I find no solice in that. Two of my brothers are and have been ordained ministers for 40 years. One Methodist, the other non-denominational. They offer the hope and belief in a better after-life in Heaven. With all due respect I need relief here and now. Many others tell of "seeing" their loved ones after death. I did have the one "vision" of her but that was while asleep. I pray daily for GOD to allow me to see My Paula just once more so I can know she is healthy and happy, content in her new existance. I pray and I wait. Entertaining is simply beyond my present reach. Besides, if I did, who could enjoy an evening with such a sad and lonely man. Even I don't enjoy my company. I have tried to various degrees the distraction and diversions readily available. As My Paula was so ill for three years we watched TV, old movies, re-runs, and especially the cooking shows she so greatly enjoyed. Now I find nothing on to hold my attention much less distract me for a while. I can't really focus on my reading. Cross-word puzzles require more focus that I have. Working in my shop on a project is dangerous as I could easily injure myself by not paying enough attention. I've been injured while paying attention. I don't mean to shoot-down your suggestions. I just know that what I have tried doesn't provide the relief I so desperately seek. I am thoroughly convinced that My Paula is the only solution to ease my pain and agony. Earlier I managed to get a much needed short nap. Now I will be up most of the night with plenty of time to dwell on this sad excuse for life my existence has become. Chris

The resolve I expressed in my last post has seemed to diminish. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not sleeping well as a result, I woke feeling very low. No energy, direction, or focus. The mail came earlier. There is a card from My Paulas dear friend from high school. Reading her kind sympathetic note induced yet another wave of inconsolable grief. I am so very low again. Our daughter is away pursuing her real estate business. I had grown accustomed to our oldest son coming to mow the yard on Saturdays. Haven't heard from him this week. Oldest grand-daughter has been busy readying for her Belieze mission trip. I don't want to be a burden so I haven't called them. So here I sit, typing away, and crying. Feeling sad and lonely again. So greatly missing My Paulas physical presence and companionship. Now I realize my frustration and anger begining to rise. I know this is a phase of grieving I haven't dealt with yet and need to do so. I have this need to vent, to let out the pent-up feelings, but have no constructive mechanism to do so. So I just sit in another utterly complete daze unable to do anything but cry. Thinking on My Paula brings both great comfort and joy tempered with the devestating loss I suffer. Seemingly all avenues lead to the same dead-end conclusion. Monday is my 65th birthday and My Paula won't be here to share it with me. Happy birthday to me. I know this isn't her fault or doing but the results are still the same. I am completely, totally alone and will remain that way. A victim of tragic circumstances. And, yes, that is how I perceive myself. A complete and total victim. The one left behind to cope with the devistating loss of My Paula. Chris

Thank you, Anne. I hadn't thought of pool/water therapy as I am also extremely suspectable to inner ear infections from pool and lake water. I ended up with lock-jaw on more than one occasion after swimming. Yes, "crawling through" is an apt description. I slept very hard last night for a change. Woke with the ever-present headache. Something has been in the back of my mind for weeks now. Something unclear. Somehow during the night this issue became clear and I see a positive aspect to part of all this. Writing in my journal I acknowledge my overwhelming need for My Paula. For me, the simple gesture of re-commiting to her, to us, gives me some peace. We vowed to love, honor, and cherish each other "until death do us part". I realize that I am, in fact, vey much alive and can continue to uphold the solemn vows we made to each other. I choose to actively love her, honor her, and cherish her, even given our temporary seperation. For me, this re-commitment to My Paula gives me some hope, a direction for my remaining days, and something to live for. I realize she is still with me in every possible way except physically. I am actively, passionately, still in love with her. Why should I stop now? I still feel the same about My Paula only more deeply if that is understandable. I have no idea where this may lead us but I intend to find out. But I won't be just a passenger on our new journey. I can have some in-put as to the direction and course to come. To be active, not passive. To act, not re-act. Hopefully being so alone won't be as hard. I truly hope this new attitude towards My Paula, and our so cherished relationship, replaces some of the grief and agony now so prominent in my daily existence. I know that more hard times are yet to come. Praying that this new attitude will see us through. Chris

Thank you all. I still have no clue. I did manage to eat a bite earlier. Finished My Paula's photo album tonight and feel good about it. Exercise for me is out. In '07 I was broadsided by a truck in the drivers door. Yes, I was driving. Totaled my car. Totaled the truck. Broke four vertabra, ruptured one, dislocated another and have constant numbness in my left leg due to nerve damage in my spinal cord at T-12. Dislocated my left shoulder, too. My left knee tends to buckle at the slightest provocation. Been dumped in the floor more than once. Hard to climb stairs. Ladders are out. Have to be very careful about what I pick up or how I turn as the slightest pressure on the damaged nerve brings excruciating pain. My Paula nursed me back from that hell for almost a year. Now My Paula is not here to comfort me for her loss. I do so much better with her beside me. So I struggle on the best I can. Finding no relief, little rest, very little sleep, and no comfort on a daily basis. But I am still here. It's 10:00 PM. Ought to think about bed as I am so tired again tonight. But sleep and rest is elusive. Chris