JennO

Grace, I just passed the one year mark Monday and it has been plagued with memories and sadness. I read your post and wanted to respond, although I am not sure that I have words to inspire or change the reality of our situations....I hope you choose to use tomorrow to recall great memories and good times by yourself and with your children. I think everyone is often afraid to start talking about our departed loved ones, but I encourage you to have all who knew him to tell you a great story about him. Wishing you love and a big hug tomorrow and every day. Jenn

Hi guys...new mother in law issue wondered if anyone had some advice. My mother in law and I were never close..particularly because she wasn't a nice woman to my husband for a long time and because I wasn't making a friend out of her until my husband decided what kind of relationship he wanted with her first... Anyway, we had a major blow out about a month ago and we haven't spoken since except for my son's birthday party..I answered the door, she was there, I greeted her, she ignored me and walked right in. I had 85 people at the house, so I didn't made a scene. It wasn't appropriate and she isn't that crucial to my life (because of her behavior, I don't want her to have much influence over my son...I know he his her grandmother, but kids need protection!) Well...about two months ago she asked my mom what kind of tree I wanted for the front yard. My mom said she didn't know and she should ask me. She didn't, but again asked my mom if she had asked me for her. Mom told her she thought she should ask me about that..she wasn't sure. Well, she never did. Tonite, I found out that she called my husband's best friend, who has avoided me like the plague (and we have a very close group of friends, so it is very obvious) and planted a tree in his front yard in memory of Jeff. I guess what I am wondering is if I should be direct with his best friend and see what the deal is. I could care less about my mother in law,but I am finding that Joe (best friend) is creating issues with all our friends and the friendships are failing fast due to his behavior. What do you think?

Laurie I have so much to say to your post...I was in a different situation, but behavior was similar. My husband died one year and one day ago, leaving me with our three week old son. he was a hemophiliac and was dependent on medications to stop him from his bleeds. But, as a result of many years of bleeding into his joints, he suffered from arthritis at the ripe old age of 36 and was dependent on pain meds. This is where our similarities begin. Jeff didn't take his meds like he should and often didn't treat his bleeds as soon as he should have, so we ended up in the hospital many many times to take of a bleed gone too far. I learned after a few years that there was nothing I could have done to stop him.....I encouraged, I cried, I begged, I created the best situations for him to be comfortable, I made the most comfortable hospital bed ever (it is amazing what you can do with a few more sheets), I yelled, I screamed, I swore I should have never married him. In the end, nothing worked. He took his meds incorrectly and accidentally overdosed for me to find him on our bathroom floor with our infant in my arms. Funny enough....I have never been that mad at him. I knew almost immediately through my grief that he was free. Free from the pain his illness caused him and free from the pain he felt knowing how it affected me. You loved him the best you could under the circumstances and he was lucky to have you. Take it easy and visit us often... Jenn

Hi everyone, In just an hour the day will become the first anniversary of Jeff's death. I carefully planned to have a few days off work, spent the day with a friend beginning to put together a few memory quilts using Jeff's old tshirts, have a girls lunch tomorrow and then all our friends over tomorrow night, then wrap up the time off with Rory's one year check up. Then, it is over. The last of the firsts that are so very hard throughout the first year. I think I have carefully crafted things that I think might work for me, but I am slowing beginning to fall apart as the night goes on. I remember saying to my mom the day of the funeral, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this either. Like many of us, I had a wonderful husband and one who made the last seven years of my life unforgettable. They weren't always wonderful or glamourous or even fun, but there were spectacular moments that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I have sat back the last few days and observed. I feel myself withdrawing when friends call, putting up my emotional security wall. I know if I start, I won't stop. And I have a son that relies on me and is acutely in tune with my emotional state at just one years old, so I must maintain. I haven't returned my hospice counsellor's phone call and I don't know if I can. I don't want to talk to my family that cares so deeply over the phone tomorrow and think of something to say. I don't want to lose it to not recover the rest of the day. I have been reflecting on my husband, our life, and what life would be like now if he was here. What would be different, what would be the same, would it be better, and what would be worse? I am at a crossroads this week. I have always been a working professional with a good income and decent lifestyle. I am now faced with foreclosure on my home within the next month if I cannot bring the balance current and remain current.....I still haven't told them Jeff died...the mortgage is in his name only. I am anxious about my job because the amount of work required to accomplish our goals requires at least 10 more hours of week that I cannot afford to take away from my already limited time with Rory or additional daycare cost, but I can't find another job that offers me a more stable schedule in this downtrodden economy with a bigger paycheck since what I make now does not cover the bills. Even moving the 800 miles back home to mom and dad won't allow me to "make it" on my own in a similar home. I have no savings, insurance money, or back up funds whatsoever. I find myself getting lonelier and lonelier on my nights off since many and most of my friends around here have small children like myself and can't even spend time together themselves! I am just very sad and confused and need my Jeff to talk this through and create a solution.

Chrissy, I understand your feelings a little too well. Rory just turned one and he was three weeks old when Jeff died. Every day is a tug and pull...loving Rory so much and so elated that he is with me, then so desperately sad that Jeff is not and will never be here to share the love, excitement, and joy that only parents experience. I won't say I feel it gets easier, but I do think you will begin to manage better. We talk about Jeff a lot and Rory says Dada and kisses his pictures or points to his urn in our china cabinet (he is behind glass which Jeff would have hated to not be front and center rather than behind glass...) I am figuring out my new normal and take it day by day. Funny thing..every time I get sad, Rory gets really quiet and just hugs me or looks at me very intently. They get it Chrissy and he loves you...unconditionally. Wishing you some sleep... Jenn

JAmie...I would say that I am appreciative that you allowed all of us to share in Herman's eulogy. This pain is so fierce that it is always wonderful to capture the good stuff that our departed loved ones exemplified in life. I would also tell you that you absolutely belong here, if no where else. We are all very different, but our pain is so very real and similar. I often feel like I am not part of the "group" because we cannot rely on many of our emotions during this awful phase in our life. I have also at times felt a bit paranoid, desperate, and part of an amazing clique here.... Know you belong here and we are here for you...

My personal pierce to the heart is.... At least Jeff had the first three weeks of Rory's life with him.

Terry..I have been experiencing something similar with some of my husband's friends. I have found that like many strangers, even closer friends to both you and your spouse or just your spouse have no idea what to say because they are caught up in their own grief. Many times I have stopped and thought...HELLO, I AM THE WIDOW.....but each person experiences it differently. I finally had to let go of the former friendship with his best friend because he is just simply not able to look at our son's face (he was three weeks old when Jeff died) or see the work we had put into our new house. I have attempted to have conversations with him, but he can't do it. I think this is hard...because maybe for you too, it is a part of your husband's former life. You've reached out. Maybe drop a note and just very briefly let him know you do have a few things of his to return as well as give him an item your husband would have wanted you to have. Maybe even add, I know his death has been hard on you and I don't know if that makes you uncomfortable talking with me, but when you are ready, I'd like to give these things to you and talk to you a little bit about him. I have written two letters to our friends (directed mainly at his 5 close friends since childhood)...one two months after his death and another just last week as I quickly approach the 1 year anniversary of his death. Most don't mention it, but at least they know how I feel and the door is open. I wish you luck.....

hi brooke I wonder what those dreams mean??. I often wonder if they are trying to tell us something or if it is just our stress level playing havoc with our subconscious. Sometimes I go to bed and just wish to dream of Jeff and there have been a few times I wake up a little more rested..like he was here with me and we were snuggling all night. Bittersweet mornings... Have you thought about approaching those dreams like it is a moment you are closer to Trevor? I found comfort in that when I can convince myself to feel it. Wishing you a little happiness tomorrow. Jenn

Chrissy...so excited for you!! Can't wait to hear the details and hoping you are healing well!!!!!

Hi everyone..I too have noticed the quiet. I have been on vacation with family in town trying to forget that Jeff wasn't here to celebrate our son's first birthday adn my birthday last weekend. I am heading back to work tomorrow and I am a wreck. Exhausted, spent, broke, and not wanting to go. I am beginning to feel so very lonely again...amidst all the chaos. This time last year I had just given birth and Jeff and I had taken our son out a few times in his first week to have some alone time. My parents had stayed with us for several weeks and we were grateful to them, but wanted our family time. I am so glad we did that, since they are the only memories we have together. Leaves are falling, temperatures are cooling off, and they are bringing back all those memories of last year. I am just so very sad and wishing a year ago back today.

Hi there...I am also 11 mths into my grief journey and found it to get harder as the months wore on. I think we are all in such shock even in the event of an imminent death due to illness that it takes a while for us to come out of shock and into grief. I had the hardest time around 7-10 mths and I can't say I miss my husband any less, but my days are getting a little bit easier and I am more likely to have a few better days in a row than a few good minutes here and there. BUT..everyone is different and I would encourage you to do a few things...find a grief counsellor, select a few good friends to really be open about where you are at in your grief daily/weekly/whatever, and pick something to do that you will enjoy and commit to enjoying it while you are doing it. I wish you luck and send big hugs your way. Jenn

Hi there. Today is my birthday as well and I have had a busy weekend. Our son was born one year ago yesterday and I have had a houseful of family and 80 guests yesterday celebrating Rory's first birthday. I don't know if I should have..but I kept busy all day and didn't really have time to think..nor did I today. I have been thinking about whether it was a good thing to have this much going on...but I don't know. Maybe I will hit my wall in a few days when everyone has gone...And now I am quickly approaching the first anniversary of Jeff's death..just three weeks away.... My heart goes out to all of you! Jenn

I didn't think about that quiet reflective grief thing. I am cautiously having a few good almost full days lately and wonder why...it will be 11mths Saturday. The weirderst things really spiral my mood down. Tonite a friend was supposed to come over and help me paint the trim in my basement and she didn't call or come. I was just so sad, so lonely. I spent two hours down there doing it by myself and watching Dancing with the Stars. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am thinking about the possibility of meeting someone. I am just becoming so lonely..I just want someone to talk to and watch a movie with. I think of a few things...how can I do this when I can't even take my wedding rings or Jeff's off my fingers..or his pictures off the walls...and I truly must lose some weight before anyone would find me remotely appealing. My job is such that I work late nights two nights a week and how could I possibly leave my baby with someone a third night..I don't want to, but I can't find a job that gives me more regular hours, even with 10+years experience and a degree! I have lots more to say, but I just ran out of emotional energy.

I have also noticed in my own life people are busy with their own families..It is September..school/fall, etc... Chrissy..how much time left? How are you feeling?

I haven't noticed many new postings...How is everyone doing?

Ditto...I was working on our basement today with a friend. Jeff and I were in the middle of finishing it when he died. (10.75mths ago) I have been avoiding it because it was hard and with an infant, who has time. Anyway....I was remembering all our plans for it. The parties where all our friends kids could play in the new playroom and comfy chairs and a big tv to hang out. I don't even care anymore. Missing my Jeff....doing anything on any night... Thoughts out to you Walt!

Marty T. Thank you for the referral..I will look for it tomorrow. I have been searching for something like that and I ended up with DaVince Code instead..I guess it was a good distraction for a bit! Now to the business of grieving...,

Chrissy...I have had the same experience..but when you have to go on and raise a little boy like I am trying to or protect that little person inside you as you need to, you just must do the daily stuff that allows you to function. Someone said on one of these sites that when someone says that to them they want to shout...ARE YOU CRAZY>>MY LIFE IS A MESS>>>I LOST MY BEST FRIEND>>>>.....and I have begun shouting that out (to myself of course) when people make that commment. Truth is that we are young and with a beautiful reminder of our husbands in our children (or soon to be born children) and we must figure out a way to proceed. I also have feelings and concerns about what I am supposed to be feeling like right now...there is no MUST for stages we go through or what...but I still feel weird at times when I can carry on a normal day and not fall apart ten times... I am beginning to not question the good days/moments/hours and let the bad days/moments/hours just be what they are..

Derek....bear with my train of thought....this is what your post sparked for me... I just finished a hard two weeks at work..long hours and very little time with my baby..just 11 mths old now! Today, he was so incredibly irritable at daycare because of his long hours away from me that it occurred to me in a way that was powerful that I am his only parent. The only one that carries that magic power to make everything all right. The only one that has the opportunity to raise him and care for him as nobody but a parent can. I have been so busy that my nights have been filled with running around and little sleep. But the sadness still creeps in-EVERY DAY. It occured to me right after that that was what Jeff was for me...my magic comfort, my home, my center, my life. I feel like I will never be able to recapture that feeling and breathe that sigh of relief,satisfaction, and happiness that I had when I thought that I already had all I ever needed with my husband and son. I try to come here, stay busy, watch TV, work hard, etc...but it is just so painful to contemplate what will never be. I am heading into a scary few months...both my son's first birthday and mine the day after, then three weeks later,the first anniversary of Jeff's death. I am scared I won't make it through. I am scared I won't survive emotionally and I am scared that I won't ever be ok. I think that these nights for you on the computer and my nights here and trying to run away from the thoughts of what will never be are a nightmare I can't wake up from and there is no right answer about what is the right thing to say to each other. I do know that I now feel a kinship to all of us who share these losses and now know that there is comfort in numbers. I hope you continue to find and give comfort here..because I appreciate your honesty and compassionate writings. This may have been a bit all over the place, but I am feeling a bit all over the place tonite...thanks for listening

It will be ten months for me on the 16th as well. I have found the day of the month to be very difficult and I have also found no one in my life really knows what to say on those days...I read a book recently called Tear Soup (reccommended by my Hospice Counsellor) One part of it says that at about 7mths, people really want us to start to move on....they don't know how to or don't want to deal with our sadness anymore. I think we need to find a few good friends to really hash this all out with. It is beginning to work for me and I know they are my "dumping grounds" so to speak. There are days it doesn't work. There are days it seems impossible not to talk about Jeff all day to everyone. I still wear my wedding rings and his wedding band is on my other hand...people who know just kind of look at them like they don't know what to do. There are some days that I miss him so much it hurts my heart and I can't breathe.....and then there are days I go to pick up the phone to call, like I could ever really forget he wasn't there. This is an unpredicatable and unnerving journey. I wish myself a sense of calm and memories of love every day and I wish that for you too.

Chrissy, I have found that just trying to let yourself be ok with feeling the raw emotion and even reaching out to someone to tell them..this stinks...has helped me. There are days my to do list never is looked at and I am learning to just be ok with that. We built our house and moved in just three weeks before Rory was conceived and Jeff was gone just ten months later. There are days I feel like I can't leave the house so I can be surrounded by him and there are days I can't stay because the reminders are too much. I am very slowly..very..very slowly....learning to just be when I need to and just hop on here and listen to the experiences we all share. I was so sick of everyone telling me the first two months that it was just going to take time...darn it..I wanted to know how much, because I didn't think I was going to make it through. I still wonder how I will do this, but I wonder and try out different things to make me focus on my emotion, then move on to something else. I am sending you lots of hugs and hoping you have lots of kleenex or toilet paper! Jenn

Thanks for your kind words...I have read quite a few of your posts and am appreciate of your openness with your grief in all its rawness. I think most people stop talking/asking about it because they don't want to upset us. I don't know about anyone else, but I want to talk about it. I have found my big struggle is hanging onto my professionalism when all I want to do is stay home with my baby. I have a job that requires me to lead a team and resolve conflict. Somedays..I just want to pass the hours and go home. But, I have lots of love and support from my family....but they are not in a position to pay my mortgage and the rest of my bills. I am just 33 with an infant and an uncertain future. I do try to think about the short term, but in all reality, bills will be coming in for a long time... Can't we just all take a siesta from this....sigh

Hi everyone, I am new here and this is my first open letter. I have been hooked on reading through many of the posts over the last few days as I sit at my computer not wanting to go to sleep. I often have thought about what I might have to say that is different than our common grief process. But here I go anyway..maybe it will help me. I'll try anything! I lost my husband Jeff 10 mths ago..or it will be 10 mths on Wednesday. Our son was just three weeks old and his death was sudden and unexpected. My parents had been staying with us for a few weeks (two weeks prior to our son's birth) and were due to leave the next day. Mom and I had taken the baby shopping and my dad and husband went to breakfast and were doing some household stuff. Jeff went into our bedroom to fold some clothes (he was so good like that) and my dad didn't think anything of it. We arrived home about 15 minutes after he left my dad and, for some reason, I was anxious to find him when I came in. He was already dead (don't think I consciously realized it right away) on our bathroom floor. We had 6 paramedics(yes paramedics, not EMTS) working on him on our bedroom floor for 45 minutes....intubated, chest compressions, the works...They tried everything. He was throwing up on our floor or his body was at least, permanentely stained our bedroom rug. They never got him back. I remember right away after he died and several of his friends were at the hospital (small town..everything is close), I was sitting in the room and holding his hand. I had requested an autopsy, so they couldn't remove the tube from his throat, but they had cleaned his face up and closed his eyes. It was excruciating, but I immediately found comfort in holding his hand. It was still warm and he was still my Jeff. I didn't stay long...I never was too focused on the body at the hospital or for his services...he was immediately in my soul and wasn't in that body anymore. Forgive me...it was disturbing, but his cold, stiff hand throughout the services weren't his..that wasn't him anymore. Anyway...since then, my life has been a whirlwind. I have often been told (and for once I agree with many of those that have never experienced this type of grief) that I was lucky to have my son as a distraction/focus. I am. It is a permanent piece of my husband that somehow espouses his demeanor, his expressions, and his cute smile. I know that someday I will have to explain this to him and I am happy to say I have no idea what I will say and I am not going to worry about it..at least for today. I do know that he knows his Daddy's picture and said Dada to each one before he said Momma. I cherish that.... One of my challenges is one that I have heard several people mention... I have a busy life that forces me to work full time, care for my son, and tuck a little sleep and cleaning in too....BUT, I often get stuck in the business as a way of not confronting my grief. I feel like it would be so incredibly debilitating that I can't let myself do that..Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days/moments/car rides to work, but is that enough? I can't get myself to journal and am so afraid that I will forget some memories. I wrote an open letter to our close family/friends and asked them to each write a letter to my son telling them about their dad and I have received very few. I know how hard this is for them (he had a incredibly close bunch of friends from childhood) but for gosh sake...this is for his son who will never understand him in the unique way each of them did. I am already planning a one year memorial and think I will be borrowing some of Dusty's ideas for Jack, so thank you Dusty! Ramble as I do......thank you for "listening" Jenn

Hi there...I am new to the site and this was the first post I read. I lost my husband 10 mths ago, when our son was just three weeks old. The power of children is incomprehensible and I too am overjoyed that my son is like his dad. How exactly they can imitate behavior from someone they spent so little time with is beyond me. The pain is raw, the memories fierce, and the anxiety for our son's future without his dad terrifying. My heart goes out to you so soon after your husband's death. Jenn