ohsosad

I would love to find a counselor who specializes in grief but I don't know how. I'd have to call every therapist in the phone book to ask if they work with the bereaved. The one therapist I went to some months ago was a disaster. I have been seeing a pastor who works with hospice and it's been helpful, but I'm still wishing I had a therapist with a bent toward grief. Any suggestions? RIta

When my father died in 1997 I had no clue how hard it must have been on my mother. She died 7 years later and lived alone until the last year when she went into a nursing home after falling and breaking her hip. She was so terribly unhappy those years. I lived quite a distance away so I only visited about every other month. Looking back now, I had no idea what she must have gone through. Now I know the pain of it. Rita

WOW! Rita

Someone told me the other day she knows how I feel because she felt the same pain when her husband was deployed for 10 months. There are no words!!! Rita

Thank you, Marty. I've been busy reading those articles. Rita

Why is it some of our loved ones had to endure terrible suffering? Why is the fate of some to suffer and others to be spared? I have been bringing this up with my pastor-counselor, and his take is not satisfactory to me. He says God created a perfect world and man has damaged it. There are poisons around us in the environment and in our food and our bodies are injured by this. That may be true, but the environment didn't give my husband diabetes which led to kidney disease which led to complications that killed him. He suffered terribly for many months. Why was he chosen to suffer, yet here I am healthy. Why am I so lucky? What about a young woman with children who dies of breast cancer? There are so many sad situations we hear about. Steve was such a kind, good man. Why did he have to suffer so much? My father was also a kind, good man. He laid down for a nap and had a heart attack and was gone in a minute - a wonderful death. Why did Steve not have that gift? I know there are no answers. I just need a way to think about this that will help me. I agonize over Steve's suffering and it keeps coming back into my mind - seeing him in the hospital moaning and crying out for help. He didn't deserve the death he had. Marty, I hope you have an article that touches on this. Rita

Sadly, I live amidst hunters who are chomping at the bit for deer hunting season to start. The few deer that are left in this area will be massacred come November. Another reason I would like to move away. Rita

Marty, Thank you for sending me to that article. Best line in it is that you can't leave your grief behind. I'm sure that's what my wanting to move is all about. My mind is saying - go where everything is new and you don't have to look at HIS things and you'll feel better. But that will just stuff it. I'm sure the pain will re-surface at some point. Actually, that reminds me of something I was thinking about this morning. Let's say grief is in a container. The goal is to empty that container as long as it takes. I can go through it deeply and consistently every day, or I can go through it for a few hours a day and try to distract myself the rest of the day to get some relief. I ask myself, which is better? Will the contents still be waiting for me after I finish my distraction, or will the rest I took have some benefit and perhaps help with emptying the contents? I'm not describing this too well. This is my brain doing anything and everything to try to move out of this horrible pain. Rita

Thank you all, my friends, for the advice not to move. Even the thought of doing it is exhausting. I'm just putting more pressure on myself. I think I am dreading the next season of cold and snow. There is alot of snow where I live and Steve and I always worked on it together - he with the plow and me with the snowblower. Now I will be doing it myself and that makes me incredibly sad. Another thing to face alone. I will have to put the idea of moving aside for now. Rita

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies to my concerns about chronic grief. It's nearly 3 months now since Steve died so I know it's early, but gosh, the pain is so intense. I spend hours crying every day. Yesterday, a Sunday, was especially awful. Sunday - the day of rest - we would watch golf together, have a nice dinner, talk about everything. He would read the latest thing he had written for my comments while I sat and worked on a needlepoint or a knitting project - with the dogs sleeping nearby. It was peaceful and cozy and it's all gone now. I can't watch golf or old movies, can't knit or work on any project. And I want to move to get away from the memories. I am talking to a counselor who is a hospice pastor. I did go to a therapist very early on and that was a bad experience (talk about clinical! and no empathy from her at all!). This pastor is good for me. The groups don't work for me. So much of my many years with Steve involved my working with him on his creative projects, and now that's all gone to. I have to become a new person, and I'm so reluctant to give up the old one. This is a horrible, lonely journey. I thank you all for being there so I can vent. Rita

I read in a couple of places lately - and was also told by a friend who is a counselor - that grieving can become chronic. That scared me. I'm giving in to my tears and anguish as often as they hit me - I thought that was what grief "work" is - but now I'm wondering if I am establishing a pattern that I won't be able to stop. I'm interested to see what Marty and Mary would say about this. Is it possible to grieve too much? - and it can become a way of life? Rita

Bosspark - I've attended some group meetings (different groups) and I've found they bring me further into the depths. I'm still so raw I am unable to speak up in the group which made me feel badly about myself. Most of the people are well along in their grief travels and talk a good deal. I spoke to my counselor (a hospice pastor) and wondered aloud with him if group is just not the right place for me at this time - maybe later - or maybe never. He suggested I put it aside for now and just continue my one-on-one discussions with him. So, although group is often recommended as part of healing, it may not be right for everyone. Rita

I feel panic when I envision living many more years without Steve. I have to pull my thoughts back to getting through today - just today - and not think about the future. I do have trouble getting up and moving in the morning. I just don't want to face another day without him. The only reason I get out of bed is to let the dogs out. Then I feed them and lie down again and go back to sleep for another hour or two. The next time I wake up I really don't want to get up but force myself. I used to be such a morning person but everything is changed now. I keep thinking about moving. Someday I think I will have to. The memories are too difficult. But I'm nowhere near being able to take that on. It's been 11 weeks for me. Still fresh and sometimes I feel like it didn't really happen - my mind still trying to undo it. I could never have imagined how tough this journey could be. Rita

This has nothing to do with the topic but I didn't want to start a new thread. Marty, I just wanted to say I finished your book "Finding Your Way Through Grief" last night and it is a wonderful book. I love how it takes different issues, discusses them, and then makes specific suggestions. I will read it again and again, I'm sure, as I continue on this difficult journey. Thank you for writing it. It is quite a gift for the bereaved. Rita

Harry, We are anxious to hear what you have found out about your knee. Please write. Rita

I'm having such a hard time dealing with my husband's death - JUST my husband's death. That's enough. Then to read what others have to deal with In Addition To The Death Of A Loved One -- I can't imagine. Rita

My husband started a school for the performing arts. When he left after many years for another position, the school gradually faltered and eventually fell apart. He was indispensible.

A nap with a doggie-buddy = heaven. Rita

Mary, I think we need a Mister Bentley update. Hope he's doing well. Rita

I've always thought of myself as a loner despite being married. Steve and I did many things separately throughout the years, but since he retired, we did spend more time together during the day. Of course sometimes our personalities clashed and we needed a break from each other. Steve did take trips occasionally for his work, and I always looked forward to having a few days or even longer by myself. I thoroughly enjoyed having no schedule and just doing whatever I wanted with no interruptions. But boy, this is different now. This loneliness is a totally new feeling for me. It gives me an awful ache in my stomach. And certainly I do not want to be with other people - it's just one person who can soothe this loneliness and it's not possible. Rita

Harry, Your posting about your anniversary was so moving. I was glad to see that you had posted. I've been looking for you because your writings are always so special. Rita

First, my condolences for your terrible loss. I imagine you spoke to your vet about what happened. Just curious to know if he/she had any ideas on what may have caused it. Rita

Bentley's is stunning! What a face to love! Rita

Kay, Was it an accident that paralyzed your sister? What a difficult life she has had. Those two videos wiped me out. I pray Steve is with all our fuzzy friends now. Rita

Bosspark, I also am dealing with a great deal of guilt and it is very hard. My husband Steve had kidney disease and was on dialysis. I did the dialysis treatments at home for him. He developed a blood infection most likely from the catheter, and I blame myself - that I wasn't careful enough about hygiene in doing the treatments. The infection went to an artificial valve in his heart and more complications ensued. He was in the hospital for four weeks total, the last ten days in the palliative unit. He was on a ventilator for nearly three weeks because they had difficulty getting him off of it, so he was very uncomfortable and unable to communicate. Finally he was able to indicate that he wanted the feeding tube removed and no more dialysis. He then lived another ten days in terrible pain. I blame myself for not being careful enough with the treatments and causing all his horrible suffering. There's no way to know for sure that it was something I did or did not do, and it doesn't matter now, but I can't forgive myself. So I certainly know what feeling guilty can do to a person. Rita