ohsosad

My husband also suffered terribly the last four weeks of his life. That memory haunts me. He was such a good, kind, giving, loving man and to see him suffer that way............. Rita

Shalady, This will be my first Christmas without Steve. I have no family to be with so I will spend the day alone with my memories and my two dogs. Like your black lab, they are precious to me and help me cope. Rita

It might be an ear hematoma, common in floppy-eared dogs. Not usually a big deal. Often they resolve on their own. They're just fluid. So don't fret until you find out what it is. Rita

Kay, Wow. Rita

I eat almost nothing all day and then at night go for comfort food - too much. In the morning my stomach hurts. I know it's unhealthy but I don't care about myself anymore. I think about my own death alot. What will it be? Who will be there to help me now that he's gone? I almost welcome it just to get it over with. I wasn't disturbed by my doctor's suggestion of a psychologist. Don't psychologists deal with grief? There's only one "grief counselor" in my area. I saw her once and was totally put off by her aloof attitude. After spending one hour with her I had no desire to return. If I react the same way to the psychologist, he'll be history too. In the end we have to go through this on our own. People can empathize but no one can take away the pain. Rita

Since the topic here is dealing with so much loss.........I went to a new doctor today to get a check-up. In filling out the paperwork, after my name and address, the next question was marital status. It had M S W D. For the first time I had to circle W and I lost it. I cried for the next hour - through my appointment and beyond. The doctor gave me names of psychologists he respects and suggested I get in to see one ASAP. This is so hard. There's no relief. I sleep fitfully, waking up with a sick nauseous ache in my stomach that stays throughout the day. I see no light beyond this dark tunnel. Rita

Thank you all for your input on this. I will leave the drugs for someone else. Rita

Shalady, I am the same as you regarding just not yet able to accept the reality that he is gone forever. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach thinking I will never see or talk with him again. I don't look forward to life anymore. Kay & Anne, I haven't been to the doctor yet but I've already decided against an anti-depressant. It just doesn't seem the right way to go. Thanks for your input on this issue. I am in agreement with you. Rita

My pastor who is counseling me suggested going on an anti-depressant. My inclination is to not do so, but I'd like to get the opinion of the group on this. Rita

What a dummy I am. There are other things I don't understand - "hot" - "pinned" - a star - a dot - Mark post as read. ? Is there someplace that explains these things? Rita

By tomorrow I'll forget where I wrote the above!!!! Rita

Anne, I like that you brought up the fact that there are so many different topics. I post and then sometimes forget where I posted it - go back to see if anyone commented - and then I can't remember where I wrote it! An example - I wrote a couple days ago asking for people's thoughts and experience on taking an anti-depressant to help during grief. I can't remember where I posted it and therefore can't find any comments that might be there. In addition, if people don't go to that particular topic, they won't know I'm asking for help unless I post in several different places. Rita

Marty, After reading some of the resources you provided, my hesitancy to take an anti-depressant has increased. I think I will go with my original feeling to not take it. By the way, my counselor is a hospice pastor and is not a grief specialist (other than doing alot of hospice work). Not being a physician, he also does not know my medical history. I think I scared him the other day when I couldn't stop crying!! So he suggested drugs!! I hope others will chime in here about their thoughts on using anti-depressants in grief. I would appreciate more input. Rita

Mary, I guess Bentley is the only one happy about this!!! More time for him!!! Seriously, I am already feeling the loss. (Not more loss, please!!!) I am in such a bad, bad place now that it adds to my personal pain to lose you, but I will continue to look for help from Marty and all our comrades here. I do indeed need alot of help. My counselor yesterday suggested I get on an anti-depressant and see him more than once a week. I guess that says something. Since I expect everyone is reading this topic after seeing Mary's announcement, I will ask my question here - what is everyone's opinion of using anti-depressants? I feel it will be a crutch - a cover-up - and will just be a delay tactic in dealing with the pain. Am I wrong? I snuck this in this evening just to be sure to get Mary's opinion before she leaves!!! Rita

It sounds so foreign to me to hear some of you cannot cry. I, on the other hand, cry and cry and cry. I said to my friend two days ago - with such frustration - I Cannot Stop Crying!!! I had been crying for several hours before we met to walk our dogs. I thought with that distraction I would be able to stop. But I couldn't! I cried throughout our walk and continued on the ride home. It is totally exhausting. And this is now 17 weeks after Steve died. Seems the intensity of gutwretching pain is not diminishing. Rita

Is it possible to contribute by check? Rita

I come to this place in the evening after each lonely, grieving day filled with tears and fear. When I read about others going through similar heartache, I feel less alone. Rita

AnneW, It's been 4 months for me and I seem to be getting more and more fearful--so afraid of the years ahead without my husband. With no children I feel so alone. As far as support groups go, I wish there were one in my area for widow/widowers only. The one group I tried had no one who had lost a spouse - there was a couple whose daughter had died, and a woman whose brother had died. That was it. They all talked alot and I wasn't able to say a word, not that I really wanted to. I came away wishing I could be with people who had lost their spouse -- because it really is so devastating, and people who haven't experienced it don't get how hard it is. Not saying that losing a child isn't awful!! I just didn't feel like I was with the right people. It's all so awful. Rita

shalady, You've said a couple of times that you feel weak and wish you were stronger, but it's only been 6 weeks!! You are being too hard on yourself! Rita

My husband Steve suffered so terribly the last four weeks when he was hospitalized. Had I understood the severity of his illness I would have been more aggressive with the doctors about making him more comfortable, but they said so little - really avoided me as much as possible - and that should have been a signal that the situation was dire, but I did not pick up on it. I thought he would get better - they would make him better! So I also obsess about his suffering, and the only way out of those thoughts in my head is to think - he's ok now. His suffering is over. So Karen, I hope you can go to that place as often as possible, maybe not much now but more as time goes on. She's safe, she's free, and her suffering is over. Rita

Wow, I am overwhelmed by the generosity of all of you who responded to my post. Your encouraging words have comforted me this evening. Thank you to those who shared. Rita

Strong. Not what I feel. I feel so weak. I know it's early but today I thought, I can't stand this pain another minute. I felt like I would explode. That I would die right there on the spot. Doesn't sound strong, does it? Thank you for all the wonderful replies. What an awful struggle this is. I want it to end. Rita

I have a squirrel living in my ceiling (sigh) and called the wildlife man to come and rescue it (he's coming tomorrow). He (wildlife guy, not squirrel) was here a number of years ago so he remembered us and asked, how's your husband. I broke down completely and told him he died in June and then sobbed until I quickly ended the call. He was shocked and said, he was such a nice man. Those words just destroyed me for the rest of the day. Yes, he was such a nice man. He didn't deserve to suffer terribly for weeks and then die before he could enjoy many more years. Just that man saying what he did -- "he was such a nice man." it had a crushing effect on me. Cried for hours and hours. It's been since June 26th and the pain is still so intense. It's really true what they say about people expecting you should be "getting over it" -- "by now." By now? It just happened. I'm still in shock that he's not here and not coming back. Over it? Rita

Thank you both. No, I'm not thinking of malpractice. I just wanted to understand what was going on with him, but I think, as you both said, it will only make things harder for me. It won't change anything. I believe you have given me good advice. It's just another way of my wanting to fight against the reality of what has happened and not accept it. Rita

I didn't now where to fit this question in so I started a new topic. I wanted to ask - particularly Marty and Mary because they might know - if a person (me) has a right to acquire the medical records of another (husband). I still have questions about what tests, treatments, etc. were done to and for him during the weeks he was hospitalized prior to his death. Let me just add that it wouldn't be helpful to call his personal physicians - I already tried that with his family doctor and she said it would not be her right to see the hospital records. I don't remember the names of the doctors who treated him in the hospital - it seemed to be a different one every day. I would just like to know the facts about what was happening to his body - not that it makes any difference now - but....... If I call the hospital and ask for his medical records, will I be starting a futile attempt that will only aggravate and frustrate me? Am I allowed to see his records legally? Thank you, Rita