ohsosad

"She died peacefully in her sleep...." A blessing. And a sweet memory for you. Condolences, Rita

A good friend of mine who adores dogs and cats and has many rescues cancelled a long-awaited appt. for herself with a specialist last week. That morning her oldest dog, who had been having some health issues, appeared a bit stressed. She decided to spend the day at home to watch him. A few hours later as she sat with him on the floor, he looked up and smiled, put his head on her lap, wagged his tail, and went to his final sleep. Rita

When I saw Mary had a post today in the pet category, I immediately thought - oh, no. Bad news. Are we now programmed to anticipate the worst?? Glad to hear your boy is doing ok, Mary. My dogs keep me alive. Rita

Forgot my name again - Rita. I have started going to groups but I agree it may be too early for group because I just sit and sob and say nothing. I have talked to a hospice social worker who is a pastor but his focus is a little too religious-oriented for me. However, I will go again just because I think the talking it out makes it more real and more able for my mind to accept the reality. I hope after a few more group meetings I can start to speak up. Rita

I didn't want to start a new topic because my topic is nothing new - it's just the same pain discussed in "swimming." Today would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. We were saying throughout the year, wow, can you believe it will be 40 years soon? Well, we didn't make it. Seven and 1/2 weeks short. I dreamed last night Steve and I had a big fight and he decided we couldn't stay together. He went on a 3 week trip to Europe and was not going to come back to live with me but rather find a new place. I felt so horrible in the dream until I thought - we can work this out! - I'll call and tell him I'm sorry I hurt him and ask that he please come back home. When I had that thought, the awful ache went away because I convinced myself we'd be back together as soon as I talked to him. Then I woke up and reality hit hard once again. The awful ache returned. He's not coming back. Very hard day for me today.

Thank you, everyone. The support here is so comforting. I had a very lonely day and now this evening I come to the computer to meet my new comrades who understand the pain. I did have one phone call for Steve a couple of weeks ago - someone selling something asking for him. It was terrible. I have been waiting now over two months for the dialysis people to come and pick up the 72 boxes of dialysis supplies in my garage. I have called them repeatedly this week and have not received a return call. If I had the energy I would open every box and throw out the contents, but it would take an enormous amount of effort and time. Looking at the boxes and maneuvering around them is a constant reminder that Steve no longer needs them. I'm at my wit's end. Just letting off steam here. Rita

I've noticed that every day when I walk down to the mailbox I get nauseous because there will be mail addressed to Steve. When I see that I start crying again. It is jolting. He's gone. He can't read his mail. I am lost. Rita

fae, I've been curious as to why you type G*d the way you do.

Donnacas, I am in the depths of grief also. I have only one friend who can stand being with me and she is a help. Beyond that, no one calls. Truly, I don't mind because I will only cry on the phone and they can't handle it, which is why they don't call. I went to a grief support group last month and it was not good for me. I tried a different one yesterday and it was much better so I will return to that one. It meets only once a month, unfortunately, but it's better than nothing. The people there (only 3 others) were so understanding of my pain because they are living through the same thing. It helped to cry with them and tell my story and get hugs at the end. Do investigate support groups in your area. Start with the local hospice. And if the first one doesn't fit with you, try another. Rita

I'm at 6 weeks since Steve died and the tears just flow and flow. I have cried in front of every stranger I've seen when out shopping or buying gas or going to the bank or whatever errand I've had to do. I've sobbed walking down the grocery store aisle. I've bent over the grocery cart. It just comes and I can't stop it. I don't care who sees me or what they think. I'm in so much pain. It's still not real that he is gone forever. Rita

Harry, I also feel overwhelmed when I see that empty chair on the deck. I cannot sit in my chair. It is too painful not to be sharing tea and conversation, looking out at the tall fir trees and watching the birds fly high in the sky. After Steve died I sent two balloons up into that sky and watched until I could no longer see them. Now I still look for them. Where are they? Did they reach him? Can I send myself up there also? Twelve years ago this Friday (8/8) we moved into this lovely house which would be our place to live for the rest of our lives. August 18th would be our 40th wedding anniversary. These dates are only pain now, nothing to be celebrated with a special person who is gone. Rita

I'm having such a bad day. I feel so frightened without Steve. I'm thinking who will be there for me when I get sick? I am alone. If I have trouble with the computer, he's not here to fix it. He's not here to have tea with in the morning. I heard something on tv and went upstairs to tell him about it. He's not there. I cry all day and my dogs wonder what is wrong with me. I have decisions to make and I need to talk to Steve about them. I am lost. Rita

Harry, Thank you very much for taking the time to share all that information about NET. You have just educated however many people read these messages. (I do wonder how many that is.) Rita

Harry, I had never heard of NET cancer before reading your post. I googled it and it appears it is difficult to diagnose, and the later the diagnosis, the more dire the prognosis. Do you mind my asking? Was your wife's illness diagnosed in a timely manner? I was wondering if you are left with some anger issues with the medical profession. And how long has it been since she died? Rita

Karen, My condolences. That was an incredible dream at the very time of her passing. Rita

I am fearful now that I've said I don't believe in an afterlife that I have alienated some of my comrades here. Honestly, I wish I did have your faith in something after this life - something that would bring me to wherever Steve is - to be with him and our wonderful animals forever. But I don't feel it. I don't feel him with me as some of you feel your loved ones with you. I just feel loss and pain and sadness. Rita

I wish I could believe in an afterlife. It would make it easier. Rita

Is there any news on Debbie?

Have any of you taken advantage of the 30 minute free phone call Megan Devine offers?

Any news on Bentley? Wasn't today or perhaps yesterday when the vet was seeing him?

One of my precious dogs had degenerative myelopathy and gradually lost the use of her hind legs. She used wheels for nine months and did well - she was a feisty girl. Then she began to stumble on her front legs and was having more and more trouble. With a heavy heart I made that awful decision to let her go before things got worse. For months afterwards I agonized over whether or not I had made the right decision. The next time I saw my vet we talked about it, and he said something I'll never forget which helped me. He said, you took her to the edge of the cliff but didn't let her go over. I see many dog parents wait too long to let them go which they do for their own benefit and not for the dog. Our final gift to these precious souls is to walk with them when their days are coming to an end and spare them unnecessary pain. Would that we could do that for our human companions. As I watched my husband suffer and struggle to breathe day after day, I thought of what I had done for Whitney and wished the medical profession would allow the same peaceful end for Steve.

I have an appt. with a counselor on Tuesday (first time) who is not specifically a grief counselor. I could not find anyone who specializes in grief. I hope she is helpful.

Some years ago I had a dog with throat cancer who received chemo, and more recently a dog with mammary cancer who received chemo, and neither had any negative reactions to the treatments, which was what the vets had told me at the time. I trusted they were right which was why I agreed to it, and in fact they were. With the second dog the chemo did indeed extend her life for many months, and since she did not have any bad reaction to the treatments, I believe it was a good decision for her. The vet I took her to was a cancer specialist and apparently knew what he was doing. Just wanted to put a word in about it. Both vets made it clear that chemo for dogs is not dreadful as it can be for humans. Of course every case is different.

Today is bad but every day since Steve died has been bad. Just hours of sobbing. It's 16 days today. I am still in shock because every time I think I will never see him again, it hits me in the stomach and I feel sick. I thought we'd have years more ahead of us. I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it. A hard lesson to learn too late.

I dreamed last night that Steve and I argued, then made up and I hugged him and told him how much I had missed him. In the dream I thought - wow, he didn't really die. It was all a nightmare. Then waking up was awful - to realize, oh, he DID die. I thought I'd be sick. I have the tv on throughout the day for company, and it seems every other commercial shows happy couples enjoying their wonderful lives, and the other commercials are for medications for people with the illnesses Steve had. The medicines work for them but they didn't work for Steve. On tv it seems so many people are young and happy and in love with lots of exciting plans for the future. It just makes me depressed and leaves me feeling lonely. I made an appt. with a counselor for one day next week. I hope it will help to talk to someone. But I do eagerly click on to this site every day to benefit from the exchange with similar souls who understand this terrible pain. I thought this morning, well at least Steve didn't have to experience this horrible emotional turmoil because I didn't die first. But his suffering was even worse because physically he endured alot. A good kind man who didn't deserve all that pain at the end.