Froggie4635

Dear Amy, Your description hit me to the core. The time with Mark was SO SHORT in comparison to most people who post, and we packed so much love into those years. I still felt like a newlywed right up to the day Mark died. Now I do what I can to feel close to him; I created a new CD full of songs that make me think of us. There is a special song I found by Martina McBride..."All the Things We Never Did". It cuts right to the heart of what I feel, there are so many things we aren't going to do. I know one day I won't feel so lost and will smile more when remembering all that we had. I was blessed with him.

This morning I took the time to complete a project. Back in November, Mark surprised me by planting pansies in the planter in front of our house. My mom LOVED pansies, but living up north she never really got to enjoy them. They were spring flowers and many times frost came late in the season. In Houston, pansies are a fall/winter flower, and Mark filled the planter with them. Well, I tended to those flowers like the special gift that they were. When the temps starting getting hotter, I knew they would fade and reach the end of their growing season. I started to take blooms that were in their prime color and save them by pressing them in books. I wanted to preserve as many as I could, because it was one of the last things Mark gave me before he died. Well, I have a HUGE collection of pressed pansies, and I found the perfect frame. I put a sampling onto beautiful paper and now the framed pansies hang in the bedroom next to a piece I found that has a picture of us tacked to it. I am going to take some more of the pansies and create something for his sisters, so that something from Mark can hang in their home. Mark and I both are sentimental souls and I want the love we shared to reach as many people as possible. What a gift I was given the day Mark and I met. It wasn't always easy, but always worth the fight.

I feel really sad for those people whose life was not touched by the kind of love so many of us talk about here on the forum. If they cannot conceive of that deep love, how can they then understand the devastation when that love is lost. I count myself very fortunate, first for witnessing and being a part of a love that was so deep and connection that was so special and second for being around a family who KNEW how much love there was between Mark and I. His family was witness to the transformation it brought to his life. Mark was a very different person before he met me (not bragging here, just stating facts). He was deep in depression and alcohol-induced fits of despair. When I read the letters he wrote in all the cards he gave me, and he talks about how resigned he was to being alone. His family was witness to what a great love can do. Tammy's family, like you so correctly put it, could not recognize the true love that the two of you found. And no one can understand more than I how difficult it is to now be without that. Although Mark was not suffering from an illness on the level that Tammy was, I know he had things he struggled with and I now know he is free from that. I know it won't console you now, Mitch...nothing really will. But try to find a peace in knowing Tammy can now love you without the burden of sickness she had to bear. I know it is NOT the same as having her with you...I ache to have Mark here, to hear is corny jokes, to watch him respond as I scratch his back, to see the love he had for me in his eyes. It is the burden of deep love to have to grieve so deep. Day to day life has no real joy, and we must bear it. You cannot make her family understand what you are going through, and them hurting you more with their ignorance, Mitch, is more than you need to deal with. Be gentle with yourself.

I took some quiet time this morning, just to see what would happen. No music, no television...just thought and writing in my journal. I found myself making statements that seemed harsh...about what I observe of others and what I allow for myself. I find that I was more "comfortable" in the early weeks of my loss...because I knew what was "expected" of me. I was supposed to be sad, was supposed to be lost, supposed to be taken care of. Now it is coming up on 7 months, and I feel a lot of pressure on myself, from myself to be "over it". I read so many posts and those grieving people aren't over it, even after many years. Most days it feels like I don't feel anything. All I have to do is listen to certain songs, and I am washed over with emotions. Perhaps I tried to recover too quickly? Am I truly being too guarded?

I found a website and a forum called Suddenly Widowed. Reading the posts takes me right back to Mark's death and I feel the anguish everyone seems to be sharing. I now realize that perhaps I have stepped away for too long from my grief journey and dealing with my feelings. I've just been going along like it is any other day. Does everyone else feel the same way...even after many years of grief, does reading a new post from someone who experienced the same thing you did take you right back to that moment, and stir the hurt and pain? I guess I read them to know that someone else has been where I stand, and that I should allow myself to feel those deep feelings and not try to go on as if losing my husband wasn't a big deal. I keep reading the word trauma. Why do I find it so difficult to allow myself to look at my experience as a trauma. I know the ultimate goal of the grief journey is to survive and somehow find joy again. Why do I have such a hard time allowing myself to feel sad and not look at it as feeling sorry for myself?

Dear Suzanne, You and Ric sound like Mark and I. Most of our free time was spent with each other. When we weren't working, we were with each other. Even when we went to a family event, we were together. Counting by weeks, today is 30 weeks that Mark died. It is still as fresh this morning as it was that Thursday morning December 4. I still see the faces of his family as they arrived at the emergency room, in shock and grief. It feels somewhat surreal. Am I wrong for going back to that memory? It was a day that altered my life forever. Just like the day we met and the day we were married. Life changing. I still don't let myself dwell on the thought of a life without Mark. When I think of it, only a few seconds is as much as I can. I know I have made great strides since that day in December. But many times I still feel so broken. To the outside world I am "doing great"...but inside is that voice saying "Mark is gone, Mark is gone". I still say "How can that be?". I am expected to go on, to pick up the pieces and continue. Some days I can't make myself get up off the couch, or I just wander through the house, like I am looking for something. I am not mental...I know Mark is gone. Like Amy said, it feels like an amputation. I know I will have his love until we are together again, but I am still selfish in that I would rather have him here now.

Well, got the car legal....inspection, registration, insurance. Also, got it re-financed. I will be saving $122 a month now. Once I get my driver's license, I can go back and renegotiate for a lower finance rate. It helps me to breathe a lot better now. I am hoping that soon I will start to feel relaxed. By the time I get home after work, take care of the dogs and get something to eat...I find myself exhausted. Add in the summer heat & humidity...and I get so little done. I decided to take this Friday, even though July 4 isn't a big deal for me...I can use the long weekend. I usually keep most of my vacation days for the fall, winter and spring...I intend on taking quite a few days off around the first anniversary of Mark's death. His birthday was Dec. 2 and he died on Dec 4. I am not letting myself anticipate it, just planning so that I will have the time I need to face it.

I had to make a trip back home, and I was in the Atlanta airport. I had not put any lipstick in my purse, and the airport was so dry and my lips were so chapped. So I went into one of those news stands to get a Chapstick. Well, needless to say, it was pricey, as is everything in the airport shops. When I got home, I said to Mark, "This is the World's Most Expensive Chapstick". Well, I didn't really pay attention to where that chapstick went, but for my birthday, Mark had went and got a little plaque engraved "World's Most Expensive Chapstick" and mounted it and the chapstick onto a velvet covered piece of wood and then had it put into a shadow box painted gold. I have that "award" hanging by my desk at work, and love sharing that story with anyone who asks about it. That was Mark's sense of humor, and also his sentimentality. It is those things that I miss so much.

Dear Butch, Although she is not here physically to share in the news of your twin granddaughters, please know that she DOES know about it. She will be present for every major event in their lives. Her soul is with all of you. Take care of yourself, and be kind to YOUR soul. Maryann

Lori... I have begun to call it Swiss cheese brain. As long as I stick to things I do every day, I function okay. Let something come up that is different or stressful, and my focus is gone. I also wander around the house from room to room...with three dogs in tow. I have been working to get the car legal, so I can 're-finance. I am having issues because I don't drive and my credit has taken hits because of all the extra expenses and half the income. Stress and grief do not mix.

The day before Mark died, we had our staff luncheon. I had been working for weeks to get the decorations together. The night before set up, I was still working on getting the decorated vases done. He came into the dining room and worked with me, doing everything the way I wanted. The next evening, he came with me to help put decorations on the wall (the night of his birthday). After the luncheon was over, someone from the front desk came in to get me while we were taking down all the tables and decorations...she said my husband was on the phone and wanted to know how it all went. I couldn't wait to get to my desk to call him and share it all. When he picked me up that day, he was just beaming because the people at the desk were raving about everything we did. He was my biggest supporter. So many times he told me how content he was with our life. Like George, he was always eager to get home to be with me, wherever that would be. And it was the same for me. When he would call to say he was on his way to get me...even after 5 years of marriage, my heart skipped a beat.

Amy, I know it had to be hard for you to make that decision. Personally, I feel better knowing you will be closer to family. This is really a time family is needed. Daniel would want the best for your health. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I read so many posts and want so much to offer comfort, but I, too am in the midst of my grief journey. It is just over 6 months Mark is gone, and most times it feels like it just happened. During the week things are much easier to deal with. I have my routine: get up, take care of the dogs, get ready for work...put on my brave face and try and focus best I can to do my job - stressful days or too much gets thrown at me and I want to run. I come home, take care of dogs, eat something and most evenings just crash on the couch and escape into television. The weekends I go from project to project, walk around the house a lot. My friend comes by most Saturdays and it is another distraction for a while. Most times I am simply functioning. Sometimes I really feel like I am wallowing, but many people on this site tell me that it is NOT wallowing...that my life as it was is gone and that I am just trying to find my way, and that it is not easy and that I need to feel my feelings, whatever they may be. There are MANY wise and helpful people on this forum, and can help and give comfort and let your thoughts be heard. This is a journey that has NO rules or instructions to follow. It is one that has to be done alone, but that does not mean we cannot have company and support as we make our way.

Had a BIG scare...had been hearing water dripping the last couple days but wasn't sure where it was coming from. Today I looked inside where my air conditioner is, and that is where it was dripping and there was all kinds of wetness in there. I had no idea where to begin, so I went online and found some posts on You Tube. I tried a couple things, testing the sump pump and it kept saying you needed to find where the drainage was, and I did not have a clue. Yesterday I found some water in a spot In the garage that was wet and I could not figure out why. Well, I called my mother-in-law because I was afraid. I thought I helped it, but when the air turned on, the drip got worse. Well, something told me that the drain pipe was in front of me. I had a container to catch the water, and it just poured out. It looked like something might be in there. I tried to use the shop vac to suction out; not sure if it helped, but since the water poured out, the leak has almost stopped. I am still going to have someone come look at it. I think Mark whispered to me where to look. It was the most terrified I felt since mark died (except the time I couldn't find Max). I have spent my long weekend going over financials so I can keep the car and maintain everything as is right now. I need it to stay as it is.

Dear Suzanne... I believe we are watched out for by our departed loved ones and special angels. Sometimes we are in such deep grief, that we cannot see the signs that someone has heard our cries. I am glad the message got across and that someone reached out. Let them be a hand you can hold when the hurt seems all consuming.

Dearest Kay... There is no doubt George is there, telling Arlie to "be quiet...." to share that moment with the deer. You are in my thoughts, especially today. Wish I was closer...sending hugs to you, my friend.

Mitch, you need to listen to your body and your spirit. I had the same issue with my counseling sessions. It was getting difficult to arrange a way to get there...I hated the idea of someone sitting somewhere waiting for me to be done. I took a vacation day tomorrow because I felt overwhelmed and very tired. I almost left my dog locked in the backyard before I went to work...too many things on my mind. Getting adjusted to the "new normal" takes a lot out of us. I have recently taken a break from reading all my grief books. I wanted to just go on my trip and not think about it. But now it has been two weeks and reality seeps in, and it is time to get back to my grief work. Do for yourself whatever gives you a little comfort, Mitch. Also allow yourself to express whatever needs expressing. Like you, I have developed the "work face". But doing that makes you even more tired and run down. Be kind to you...I am sure Tammy would not want you getting into a state of exhaustion on a regular basis. And, do NOT EVER feel guilty for doing what your body/soul/spirit guides you to do. As I have been told by many others...there are no rules to break.

Kay, I live in Houston, and my area got rain yesterday but no flooding...other parts further west got most of it. Just real humid now and tiring.

Deciding to take a vacation day tomorrow...this has been a stressful, exhausting week between Tropical Storm Bill and monthly billing at work....with a few personal stresses on top of it. I almost left my furbaby Hannah locked outside in the yard before I went to work. Thank goodness I give them biscuits every morning. I need to step back and take a break from all the busyness of the last couple weeks.

I knew the time would come when my excitement from my trip would begin to lessen, and I would begin to miss Mark. These last few days dealing with Tropical Storm Bill have stressed me out. I appreciate and treasure what I experienced, and it brought me comfort...but I am still feeling selfish because I would rather have him with me. I respect everything that went into my special trip, and I feel his presence as I type these words. I have a ways to go on my journey, and I know I have the strength to walk through each day. One day at a time.

My experience in Eugene is as close as I could come to "touching" Mark again, and I hold it so close to me. I feel truly blessed to have had such a wonderful love story, and my dear beloved did what he could to take it to another level. Who else could have put a 20 foot tall rooster right outside my window? I never asked God why Mark was taken, why I had to bear this terrible hurt and feel like my life would never be the same. But I know that God blessed me with Mark, and I know Mark's soul was the driving force behind what I experienced. I know that he was the love of my life, and that love was so completely unconditional, blessed by God. It hurts to not have Mark physically here each day; but I can try and help the pain pass by remembering what he did for me. And when I a stronger, and ready to help others walk their journey, I promise to give it everything I can.

The visit was actually back in April,but it helped me to be around someone who has known me my entire life, and who was also present at the beginning of my life with Mark as husband and wife. Since my trip last week to Eugene, I have not so much been focused on my grief, but on the experience that brought me comfort. I know this spiritual high I have will eventually face the grief of my loss and the absence of my beloved Mark.

Dear Kate, I am so sorry for your loss. The messages I received were so truly comforting, a validation of things I already felt, but just needed to "hear" it. The most wondrous thing about it was the signs that this trip was put together for me from my husband. The date it happened, the GIANT rooster outside my hotel room and the area my trip was (Eugene) was all Mark. The messages that I received confirmed that Mark witnessed everything that day he died, and continues to see and hear things I do and say after his passing. Seeing the horseshoes on my living room wall (I bought them before Mark died, but didn't hang them until he was gone), and the Hawaiian shirt that I brought with me (not even my friend who traveled with me knew about that). I never, ever doubted the deep love that Mark had for me...and this was his way of continuing to show me how he STILL loves me by giving me this unbelievable gift. I understand that I am still grieving his death, and will for the rest of my life. I still miss him every single minute, and feel selfish because I would rather have him here. But when times get hard, I will remember he IS still here, and speak to him until that hard time passes. I was given a GREAT gift, and am humbled by it.

Suzanne, Sometimes we just want/need confirmation. The really amazing thing about this is I didn't go searching. There were many spirits at work, but I know in my soul that my husband, Mark had a hand in this. Just validation of the things I was feeling. When she told me that Mark saw me take his ring from his finger, I felt comfort and so much love. That was a moment that no one but me (and the hospital worker) witnessed...my husband knew.

Dear Mitch, I know how hard it was for me on MY birthday, so I know your hurt is increased a hundredfold. May Tammy's spirit be with you today, and every day as you learn to make you way through this new life. Know that she is at peace and no longer hurting, and that her love is with you forever. You were her greatest gift.