JHCP

This dream was pleasant in comparison to the other dreams I have had since Jack passed away. I have had total nightmares where I relive the day he died. From him collapsing in our home to me trying to do chest compressions and the ambulance taking forever. From the horrific scene as I stood at the foot of the ER bed as they worked tirelessly on him for 45 mins without being able to get his heart going again. Me pleading on my knees with them to continue working on him to no avail. Then laying on him crying my eyes out after he had passed for hours. Waking up from that was much worse. It was reliving a very realistic trauma. I have had that nightmare a few times. It is awful. Feeling him hold me in his big arms was a dream come true. Sad when I awoke to realize it was all a dream. I realized that in my dream towards the end too. But I stayed asleep in his arms trying to rationalize with him about what I witnessed the day he died. I miss him so very much! He was my everything and my best friend. He knew exactly what buttons to push to make me laugh, cry, or jump for joy. He truly was my other half. It was a wonderful gift to feel him holding me and comforting me again!

Being distracted at work helps!

Kayc, it is SO worth it. He was always sick. It was a choice...or more realistically it wasn't a choice at all. It happened just as it was supposed to. I wouldn't do anything to change the time we spent together! He was my best friend and everything. It was so worth all this pain! I will love him forever!

Patty65 thank you for your words here. It was so amazing and so heart breaking. To get to feel his love and his arms around me again...I am truly blessed! ??

Kayc I hope and pray that you get to dream of that! It sucks waking up from it though!

It was so bitter sweet! Thank you for the site to look up MartyT! All day I have been in a funk! I just want to be back where I was with my love. Safely tucked in his arms. I miss that so much! He was so tall and strong I miss feeling that safe. The dream was so vivid it has brought back a lot of feelings. ? I am so glad I got to feel it again though!

So last night I dreamt that my beloved Jack was still alive. He passed in March of 2015 so rationally I should have known it was t real. He held me as I wept and told him everything I went through. He told me he was in a coma. When he woke he wasn't able to find me, but that he was here now and everything was going to go back to normal. It felt so amazing to be back in his arms. Safe, as he always made me feel. Everything felt like it was going to be okay again until I remembered having his ashes. He said his kids used them to trick me so I would leave him. The ashes were fake. The. As I am telling him how horrible everything I went through was I remembered viewing his body. I remembered being in the hospital. It was obvious I was imagining things at this point but my god was it so amazing to have him hold me again! Woke with a deep sadness this morning! I miss you nugget!

This is something that happens to me on a regular basis. I too threw myself into work to keep busy, I am fine when I am there, or when I am with people. But the car can be brutal on the way home from work especially! I'm almost a year into this and I still break down. Don't beat yourself up! Nobody around you can hear you that matters except for you and your loved one you are talking to. It is therapudic, as long as you are not unable to drive safely!

Why are men so stubborn when it comes to their health? Jack hated having lupus! He would miss doses of meds often at first because he would only bring a few perscriptions over to my house when we were dating. And he often forgot to take the meds or thought he had not taken them when he actually already had so he would double up. One day I buy him a pill sorter and he got so mad. He snarled and complained while filling it the first time or two. But after a few weeks admitted it was great and thanked me. He just hated that it made him feel sick. Hated looking at it on his desk. It was always difficult getting him to go to a doctor for what he thought of a serious problems. Eye doc was no biggie, dentist no problem, urologist easy, even his regular check ups were not a big deal. However getting him to a cardiologist or someone to do MRI or biopsy was a struggle. For years he would not let me go with him even. Eventually it just became a couples activity he wanted me to partake in. Being an ex professional athlete the lupus foundation of America approached him multiple times to get him to be a spokesperson for men living with lupus as it is mostly found in women. He wouldn't even consider it. Then everyone would know he was ill. He was a pain in the rear at times! But he was my pain in the rear. I miss him so badly!

Scba I will check her out on YouTube, thanks! Froggie4635 I guess in that respect I am lucky. The paramedics allowed me to ride with them in the front seat. While they were working on him at our home they told me to go ahead and get dressed more comfortably because I was in heels and date attire. So I threw on his huge sweatshirt and some shorts and flip flops. On the ride over I called his brother from his cell phone in the ambulance. The hospital we went to was my choice. There were two in proximity and one was where he would always prefer to go so that's where I told them to take him. The emergency room isn't private. I entered with the paramedics and was soon joined by his brother. We stood together in shock about 5 feet from Jack as they worked on him for almost 45 mins. They could not get his heart to beat on its own. They stopped. I pleaded with them not to! But they said they worked on him longer than they would normally and there was nothing more to be done. They unhooked him and allowed me to lie with him a few hours before they took him away. I kissed and talked to him and wept the whole time. My best friend came to sit with me and eventually took me home where she stayed with me for a week. I am so fortunate that on this anniversary of his death she has invited me to visit her in Ohio. I'm staying a week with her. I don't think I would get through this time without her. 3-16-2015 was the worst day of my life!

I did ALL of the cooking for Jack and myself. I used anti inflammatory foods and created a whole bunch of delicious and healthy organic foods. He loved all of my cooking, even things I wasn't too in love with because I cooked them for him and for his health. He would eat every last bite! The weeks after his passing I had constant company. I force fed them breakfasts snacks and dinners that I typically would have made for Jack. It made me feel normal.

Oh and get this about a month after Jack died, the paramedics called asking to speak to Jack about the ambulance bill. They crudely didn't even recall he was dead on arrival and they hadn't revived him. I screamed at the lady and told her that if they hadn't taken so long getting to me maybe he would still be here to pay their bill. After all the fire house was literally only about 1/8 of a mile away from us and they took forever to get to our home!

I was asked to count also. It felt like 15 minutes for me, and I also have no real idea how long it actually took. He was gasping the whole time like a fish out of water. Eyes wide open and his gaze pinned. Then he would stop breathing all together before gasping again. I felt the life drain from him literally right in my hands. It was horrifying! I wish I could have been more helpful!

Having to accept that your own ignorance let down your loved one when they needed you most has been tough for me too! When Jack collapsed, I immediately called 911. I was hysterical, first regret. The lady had to get me to calm down so that I could help him. Finally she had me lay him flat, no easy task as he was 6'10" and I am a mere 5'6" and he collapsed at the landing of our stairs which was only about 4' x4'. I couldn't open the front door as it opened in. So luckily the garage door was an option. Once I got him flat the lady told me to start chest compressions but not to press too hard. In retrospect the woman didn't know his size and her instruction was poor, as was my knowledge of how to revive someone so I followed her instruction and feel I had little to no effect in keeping his heart beating while I waited for them to arrive, second regret. I regret also even making him get up to go to the movies that day. He wasn't feeling well so I thought going to our favorite movie theater with reclining chairs would be a good activity. Had he stayed in bed he may still be here. I also regret being so hysterical that for a split second I forgot our address while I was on the phone with the 911 operator. These things have haunted me terribly! I feel as if they always will. The 'what if's' surrounding the events that day are hard to swallow. I failed my other half that day. Some of you were able to exchange last words with your loved ones, Jack was unresponsive and gasping for air from the moment he collapsed. His gaze fixed at the wall. I didn't get my goodbye. That I regret too.

Mittam99 I am right in the same place as you. My Jack passed after his battle with lupus on March 15th 2015. Approaching the first anniversary I am having a hard time. I hope you were surrounded with company or that your anniversary of losing your Tammy was bearable! I feel like as my day approaches I am just grieving more and more. New memories and flashbacks and dreams are filling my head. My normal distractions aren't working. It has been rough! My prayers are with you my friend! I hope you are faring this time well!

He would never leave me. But he did. It's so hard. i know exactly how you feel!

I am not familiar with that song kayc but I will look it up now. He is always with me in my heart janka.

Today as I was driving home from work I had a memory pop in my head. One I had completely forgotten about. When Jack and I first started dating we would hang out every single day all day and night. One day as I was leaving he says to me, "I have never been happier with us than I am right now." I was equally as happy. Then the strangest thing happens the next day he blows me off and we get into a fight for no reason. A few days later we start hanging out all the time again. This happens again a few weeks later. Same thing...'I couldn't be happier with you than I am right now' then boom we argue the next time I see him and don't see one another for days. The third time he does this I say to him," I can already predict a fight the next time I see you. Why do you do this?" His answer actually made sense. He said when he would get to a point where he felt is going somewhere he wanted to stop me from getting too attached. He was older than me, he had severe health problems and he didn't want me to waste my life on him if he were going to just die. This made me mad. I told him it even though his intentions were good, it wasn't his place to make that choice for me. That he made me so happy and that everyone dies eventually. I could step off a curb and be hit by a bus tomorrow I said. I told him it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. What we had was so special it was worth me having to face his death eventually. I told him I would be fine. I even used the fact that my dad has been ill most of my life and so I have faced my own mortality and dealt with feelings of losing a loved one for so long it would be fine. HA! I loved the man so much I would have said anything to convince him his death wouldn't effect me negatively. Truthfully I just remembered this convo today for some reason. I feel like he was encouraging me to heal by reminding me I knew it would be how things turned out. And reminding me of all my reasons I used to convince him that I would be okay so that maybe I will heal a little faster. Looking back, I don't regret a thing about choosing to love and be loved by an individual who I knew would not live for long. We had 8 amazing years full of memories and laughter. It was a gift! And I am grateful for it all! Thank you Jack! Cassandra

Today as I was driving home from work I had a memory pop in my head. One I had completely forgotten about. When Jack and I first started dating we would hang out every single day all day and night. One day as I was leaving he says to me, "I have never been happier with us than I am right now." I was equally as happy. Then the strangest thing happens the next day he blows me off and we get into a fight for no reason. A few days later we start hanging out all the time again. This happens again a few weeks later. Same thing...'I couldn't be happier with you than I am right now' then boom we argue the next time I see him and don't see one another for days. The third time he does this I say to him," I can already predict a fight the next time I see you. Why do you do this?" His answer actually made sense. He said when he would get to a point where he felt is going somewhere he wanted to stop me from getting too attached. He was older than me, he had severe health problems and he didn't want me to waste my life on him if he were going to just die. This made me mad. I told him it even though his intentions were good, it wasn't his place to make that choice for me. That he made me so happy and that everyone dies eventually. I could step off a curb and be hit by a bus tomorrow I said. I told him it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. What we had was so special it was worth me having to face his death eventually. I told him I would be fine. I even used the fact that my dad has been ill most of my life and so I have faced my own mortality and dealt with feelings of losing a loved one for so long it would be fine. HA! I loved the man so much I would have said anything to convince him his death wouldn't effect me negatively. Truthfully I just remembered this convo today for some reason. I feel like he was encouraging me to heal by reminding me I knew it would be how things turned out. And reminding me of all my reasons I used to convince him that I would be okay so that maybe I will heal a little faster. Looking back, I don't regret a thing about choosing to love and be loved by an individual who I knew would not live for long. We had 8 amazing years full of memories and laughter. It was a gift! And I am grateful for it all! Thank you Jack! Cassandra

This is my first Valentine's Day without Jack. It feels ominous. I don't know how I'll act tomorrow at work but I hope things will go fine. I know now this is prob the wrong place to share. But this was some of my last years Valentine's Day. It was amazing, as always. I miss my nugget!

Hey I really could use the what to do/not to do stuff you mentioned in your first post to this thread! I tried searching for it but couldn't find it on my own. It would be helpful for me to help someone close to me understand and be more supportive. Do you mind sharing with me what you shared with your friends?

This has been such a period of change you are right it has revealed a lot about myself. I feel like I put a bandaid on my grief sometimes. I feel like it needed stitches but I am afraid of getting them so I have temporarily fixed myself so that I could function. Functioning was important for my survival. It still is. I feel guilty and want to rip off the bandaid but am afraid everything will fall apart again.

So my fiancé was an older man. He provided for me. He was my very best friend in the world and my everything. When he died because of our age difference (20 yrs) I have to admit I wondered if part of my grief was over the changes and not the loss. That made me feel guilty and allowed me to push forward without being fully affected by the grief. Today I am 9 months into this nightmare of losing my everything. I have 2 full time extremely well paying jobs. More work=good distraction from grieving. I am finding myself tonight realizing that I never needed his support. Nor did I ever ask for it. He gave it because he loved me so much! I feel a new sense of grief. I am realizing in a new way that my relationship was valid even though I always knew it was, seeing that even though I can thrive on my own I still feel that I have lost my other half has thrown me into a new and deeper state of grieving. I don't know why I let people's opinions of my relationship affect how I grieved. But I did. Yet another reason to feel guilt over my loss. I wish there was a way to get through this awful time in my life without feeling so confused. I have been doing great until recently. I don't know if it is that these will be the first holidays away from him in 8 years, or if I just have not allowed myself the time to grieve because I have wanted to be okay so badly when in reality I am not. Every day I miss my lost love. Everything about him. I have been dating someone new for a few months now and to be honest he is great. But I find myself still missing my jack so often that I don't know what I am doing sometimes! Is it too soon to give love another chance? I just keep second guessing myself because I have not allowed the grief to fully process. I think moving on is important! I am 30. I am young and beautiful and deserve love. I know I learned a lot from Jack and my relationship that I can carry with me through the rest of my life. I just am questioning myself. I am feeling guilt. I am missing my best friend and most of all I am trying to just figure out my life. I have moved from southern Cali to Vegas for 6 months to northern Cali which is where I am now. I wanted to escape my routine with jack. I realized Vegas wasn't the place and needed a new environment. I don't have many friends up here and am missing them and my family and am just having a rough night and can't sleep. Sorry I am all over the place I am just having a really rough night. I would love support and feedback please. Cp

So I have a huge week. I have to buy all packing materials either today or tomorrow. I need to find the strength to pack up the home Jack and I built together somehow. It isn't going to be easy! Every time I think about it I cry. I am going to donate a lot of clothes to good will and maybe to a specific charity for tall people. As I know Jack struggled finding cool shoes and clothing that fit him his entire life! He would like that! It is tough!