JHCP

No I have no single friends that are not either workaholics or partiers. I am neither. So I need new friends. Yes!

I feel like pajamas are my uniform right now

My girlfriends are 25-30 years old. They are party girls. I used to be. Jack changed me. I am so greatful for that! Going out with my other friends which are now happily married just makes me sad. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for others happiness, but seeing how little affection other happy couples show one another just drives home the fact that my soulmate is forever lost to me.

I wish I had time. My whole life is being uprooted. I wish I could sit here and heal. I don't have that luxury! I wish I did

I am so sad today!

I have had days like that! Where I was doi fine then suddenly burst into tears. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That it one day at a time. Prayers for you right now Micki! Cassandra

I wish I could take all the time in the world. I truly would love staying. Here in our home, around our friends, and completely surrounded by memories of Jack and my life together. I am being forced out of our home by his son. I am having to move to Las Vegas. Jack completely was in charge of bills! He was that kind of guy! He wouldn't even let me know what things cost! It was hard giving up my independence to him. He finally wrangled it from me though. We were SOOOO incredibly happy! We enjoyed every moment of our lives together! Even when we annoyed each other we laughed! We called it MAPEing lol. Stands for Being the MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER! Haha. I just wish I had the luxury of sitting here and letting it soak in! I don't! Ppl talk about how they have not moved things since their loved one passed away. For me it was our sheets. I slept in his side of the bed on our dirty sheets all month. So I forced myself to wash them a few days ago. I did not want to. I felt I was washing his smell and his touch away! Realistically it was just sheets. In around two weeks I have to uproot my whole life and move. That is stressful enough in its self! But it would be horrific if I all of a sudden had to endure the losses of the things that were my routine and that I was clinging to to grieve Jack's loss all at once! So I am, for the lack of a better word, weening myself off of this life we were building together! The sheets and another thing. Was clearing his night stand off, another still was putting away his shaving gear, another was washing his towels, also vacuuming which sucked because it was like I was cleaning his skin cells out and getting rid of the last of him. It sounds so ridiculous. I just miss him so freaking much! I am not trying to date or make bad decisions. I just don't want a new unfamiliar partner. I want to stop feeling hurt like this. My ex's and I have all left on great terms. They are here in CA. So I just want to see some of them before I move. I know it is selfish. And trust me I feel riddled with guilt! But on the other side of it, I think it will relieve my pain. I know I should NOT have a relationship. Even though I have always thought the one ex was 'the one' I know it is too soon. I think I should wait a year to get seriously involved. I read all over how the first year is the hardest. 'The year of firsts' or so it is called. The first Christmas thanksgiving Halloween New Year anniversary birthday etc. are the hardest. I think I am going to make a personal pact to wait a year to even think of a serious relationship.

I feel like this giant man left with my whole heart. I don't know how to feel right now. Today sucks! And it isn't even noon yet

I hear a siren and it throws me into tears too!

I agree, she could still turn it in. I get how tough it is when people pull you aside to share with you about your lost loved one. The memorial services were just 5 days ago. It was a beautiful service. For 5 hours afterward, there were all kinds of people who pulled me aside to talk to me about my Jack. It is hard to hear, it pulls you back to your grief, but it also is so special. I have not felt so close to my Jack as I did during those 5 hours. Tears, laughs, and smiling with his friends and family made me feel close to him. Even if it was only for a bit. As hard as it is to be positive in these situations, just know he was clearly a special guy and he loves you!

That makes sense. I am moving for like 6months to a year to Las Vegas. I have work out there that is very promising! Working. For an alkaline water company that is vitamin infused. It's called 'iDrink' and it is getting into Costco nationwide. My friend owns the company. He experienced loss of a fiancé like a decade ago one week before their wedding. She was decapitated in a car wreck. Awful! I was working already with him and with my Jack to get the NBA interested in it. So when I called to tell him what happened, he shared his loss story. He has a new fiancé btw. They are letting me move into their 5000 sq ft home. And they don't expect rent from me. He has given me three or four job opportunities also. I am going to be working on myself. I just think this person from my past and I have a deep connection. I don't know how to manage this grieving period right now...and I don't want to be unfair to him. More feedback please everyone

I am so lonely lately. I have lost Jack, lost our car to his son, lost memorabilia to his family, lost our iCloud account to his son, losing our house within the next few weeks, lost all financial stability. All I have is ME and our sweet little kitty Bella. All this loss and change sucks so bad! I have to move out of state. From a beach house to Las Vegas. So I lose my friends and routines and lifestyle. I just recently started talking to the man before Jack who I had always thought was the one for me. I know it is too soon to see anyone. This man was a virgin until he was almost 30 years old. We dated seriously for a few years abstaining from sexual contact. I wasn't a virgin so that was difficult for me, difficult for both of us actually, but we forged a serious connection. Both him and I have never lost the chemistry for one another. We both worry about starting anything again even though we both want it because I am still early in my grief. I feel guilty even thinking of another man in this capacity right now. I don't know how I will ever just casually date anyone again. I found a totally devoted partner in Jack. Someone I knew I was the end all be all for. This old flame and I developed something totally different and while it lacks in comparison to Jack in some ways, it is better in some. AGAIN I feel super guilty for even talking to him because of how I have always felt for him. I am just so lonely and feel like I would be wise to move forward. I keep reminding myself it isn't like I am cheating! Jack is not ever coming back! I would have never spoken to another man while he was here! Because of how much affection Jack and I shared on a daily basis, I really feel like I am suffering more than normal. We were glued at the hip! I need affection. Is this abnormal? I don't want to date some new insignificant man because I couldn't handle that, nor would it really suffice because what I am missing is the connection. Is this unhealthy? I would love to hear your thoughts about this. Share experiences please and give me tips. I read on here how stuck in the past people can get, and I don't want that to be me! I am young, I am attractive, I won't hinder myself from moving on with my life because I have no time to even if I wanted to! I have to move out only a month and a half after he passed! Moving to another state to a new home with roommates and to a new job. My whole routine is being changed. I can't afford to dwell. I need to force myself to push through this already. It is kind of unfair, but I think it will grant me a second chance on life. I understand it takes time, but I don't have much time to spend grieving right now!

Jeffrey, I too am in the early stages of grief. It gets easier, then it gets harder, and all of a sudden easier again. The grief I feel comes in waves...which are broken up by time spent around friends and loved ones. After the first week people stopped coming by and staying here with me too. It is good you had that support from your family for the first week! I know as soon as my friends and family stopped coming, the reality of the situation hit me so hard! Stay strong! I am praying for your continued strength and healing! I am sorry for your loss Jeffrey! May God be with you right now providing comfort and strength. Amen.

I should try to contact the company for the password! Great idea! I have had a mush brain since Jack left. Is it weird I have a hard time typing that he died? Or the word deceased? I hate seeing those words in front of me! Jack's memorial is finally taking place tomorrow. A whole month after his passing. I have kinda been doing okay, but I feel like tomorrow I am going to just lose my composure and wind up back at square one of grieving. Update, his son is still being a douche! I just miss my Nugget so much! I feel like there is a 1000lb weight on my chest today!

i also wanted to point out that the paramedics had him in my driveway working on him for like 10-15 mins unsuccessfully. Seemed more advantageous they would just load him up and get him to the hospital. Kinda upsetting watching him stop breathing and hearing their negative comments about his state. He also has had 2 separate pulmonary embolisms in the past. The paramedics saved him so that's what I believed his problem was. Turns out an enlarged heart with high blood pressure is what took him from me. ? I wish you all the luck with your healing process Amy!

Sweetheart, I fully get how you feel! Fortunately for me though, Jack's family has some influence in this area and pushed the autopsy through fast. But believe me knowing doesn't really make a huge difference. Just like you we were joking right before he went, all I can say is sometimes even healthy people's bodies fail. I too keep hearing how young I am and how that's a blessing because I can still find someone else. It makes me cringe! My Jack was a larger than life man and still larger personality and someone who redefined for me what LOVE even meant. I love your surprise pajama wedding! How completely romantic! Me and my Jack would take each other on surprise dates. That's actually what we were doing when his heart failed a month ago, going out on a surprise date I had planned. I know it is intolerable and I am so new to grieving my loss I just keep telling myself the positive things. I have always wanted to be a mom, we could not have kids. Maybe that's my real purpose in life. The one or two positive things can never out weigh how amazing of a man you have loved and lost. Another one I tell myself is, at least there is less laundry to do! Or at least I don't have to spend as much on food at the supermarket. These offer such tiny bits of condolences, but sometimes those tiny bits are important! I am here dealing with sudden loss just as you are. It sucks so badly and I am so sorry for your loss! Your husband sounds like he was a lot like my Jack. Those unique and creative expressions of love that made you love him so much are what make the loss of your other half so devastating! There will never be another man who loves you like he did...not exactly at least. That's why I actually gained a little hope that there still were more goofy creative romantic men out there by reading your story. Just try to stay active. Get out in the sun, work out. It has been helpful to me. And of coarse surround yourself with supportive friends and family! I am praying for your healing sweetie. Stay strong!

I introduced him to a poker site called fresh deck poker. He played it every day. He is ranked #4 in the whole world on it. It was such a big part of our lives I would love to go on there and keep playing! Of coarse until his son gives me his password I can not get access to the devices at all. A big message comes up that blocks the screen saying I need to enter the pw. Kayc you are right, he would not be pleased his son is being such a douche! I am having a hard time sleeping tonight! I take Xanax most nights since jack died actually. I didn't tonight. Jack and I cuddled together every single night for so freaking long! Sleeping alone is difficult.

Jack turned 51 in January. I am almost 32. We have been together for 8 years. Every day was like Christmas with him. Just waking up happy next to eachother. He snores like crazy, so do I lol. He is the first boyfriend who NEVER commented even once on how my snoring kept him up. In the past, I lost boyfriends over their not being able to handle my snoring. We called our cuddling burrito's. Neither of us like beans lol so in a burrito it was mostly cheese and meat. So I would tell him he was the meat and without him I would just be the cheese. Because I was cheesy to say such silly things. Lol I totally miss my nugget. That was his nick name. And mine as well. I miss all our site and retarded little love things we did 1000 times a day. Like screaming. "Mine" or "I love this man/woman" in public at the top of our lungs randomly. So funny! We already found out other half so we loved being nerdy in public. It was like we showed the world we didn't care about them because we were with eachother and going to be together forever! I miss my best friend! Today has been extra hard for some reason. I woke up and stared at the wall crying for 2 hours until my girlfriend came in to ask if I still wanted to go paddleboarding. So I forced myself up out of bed but now that my friend is gone I am feeling lost. My heart aches! Like all the time! How long does it take to stop hurting? How can I stop hurting? Please tell me!

Kayc, he was 6'10" and used to play in the NBA. His memorial is on the 16th of April. I have a feeling I am going to lose it all over again and have to start from square one with my grieving process. Unfortunately he passed before March madness and he had a ton of basketball people who wanted to attend but were held up because of the months events. Waiting a month kinda sucks. But it wasn't up to me. His son is still being a dick! He changed our iCloud password because he is a hacker. Now I can't use his cell phone at all until I put in the iCloud password. And the images and videos and little things like his pandora account etc are lost to me. We used to listen to the pandora as we got showered and ready to go out on a date or to start our day. I would like that back. I told the son this but he ignores me. I don't know why the little s*** wants to take even more from me. I have already lost everything! Just sucks!

This is our kitty. She sits right down there where he passed away and cries all the time! Like between 8-18 times a day. It breaks my heart.

My Jack wouldn't let me take care of any bill. Asked me to quit my job so we could spend more time together. He constantly surprised me with gifts and surprise dates to various places like art museums and cirque du soliel shows. he was the kind of man who held doors open for me, in fact if I even reached for my door handle he would get hilariously mad at me. He and I had spent years building a life together, a home together. Now I have to move out in three weeks. I have mixed emotions. I feel being here I am close to him. I worry that when I move I will regret leaving here. On the other hand, I feel like my kitty would stop crying at the bottom of the stairs, and I would be able to heal easier with new scenery. Either way it is scary! I feel like everything is wrong in my world. I can't believe that my best friend and other half is gone forever. He accepted my flaws, he loved them even. He was the most affectionate silly intelligent and handsome man in the world. I miss him so much! I just got his ashes yesterday. Such a huge guy, in such a small container. It is so awful! Hey I want to have a portion of his ashes made into a piece of jewelry. Like a glass pendant or something else wearable. Any ideas on what other ways to use ashes? Something super special!

Marty, I posted my own page. Please move my posts to my page. Thanks for your help. Sorry if I used this site incorrectly. Please Maryanne and everyone else forgive me for my ignorance about how to post. I pray you find healing! Nothing can help you feel any better like time! Take care of yourselves because that's what your loved ones would have wanted

Posted Yesterday, 10:39 PM My Jack and I were together only 8 years, we're not married, although we talked frequently about it, and for sure within the next year we would have been wed. He said he was the luckiest man in the world because I was such an amazing cook. I cooked anti inflammatory organic meals. I made him 2-3 full meals a day and we loved having dinner dates out. On March 16th this year we were on our way to a movie one day and he collapsed at the bottom of our stair case. I immediately called 911 but they took forever and my chest compressions were not effective because the operator said to only push 2" down. My man was almost 7' tall and once the EMT's arrived they were pushing so hard I realized my chest compressions didn't help him. He stopped breathing in my arms. In fact he was already unresponsive as soon as he collapsed. I am still thinking he will come home. I watch our shows alone now and I feel guilty because while he was alive we loved cuddling up to catch our favorites on TV. I feel happy cooking and for the first week after he passed I was cooking for all my friends and family what I would normally cook for Jack. Our Russian blue kitty loved Jack so much. She saw him collapse and witnessed the scene at the bottom of the stairs when the paramedics were here. She cries at least 15 times a day at the bottom of our stairs until I come sit with her. Then of coarse I start crying. Then talking/yelling/pleading with my love to come back to me and asking him why he left me all alone. When I come home after being out for any period of time, I will pause there in his spot and tell him about my day and break down typically. I haven't gotten a grief counselor, however I have been journaling EVERY day. It helps a lot! He had no will (because we thought he would live 20 more years) although we talked about him having one, his sons say there was nothing for me. So now I am having to get a job and figure out life with no car or home or job. His son took my home and car. Thankfully God has provided a awesome set of jobs and a friend who lost a fiancé with a free master guest suite in their 5000 sq ft home. I still have no car. I am still dealing with a jerk of a son who doesn't want to give me hardly any of our possessions and is acting like a total jerk to me. Anyways, this site seems uplifting and I see myself here a lot in the near future. Jack was my absolute EVERYTHING. I feel lost without my very best friend. We were the biggest nerds together. I, an ex model. He, an ex pro athlete. We were so goofy all day, every day! All kinds of adorable little rituals and inside jokes and knick names. I miss the total glow we had on our faces when the other would walk In The room. I miss being told I was amazing and loved and beautiful and held 1000 times a day! I hope it gets easier! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME TO FIND SOME WAY TO GET A NEW CAR. I have everything else figured out! Pray for my happiness as well! Thanks for letting me share! Posted Yesterday, 10:39 PM Btw he had an enlarged heart with high blood pressure Cassandra Posted Today, 07:03 PM My love of my life died recently. I am feeling lost. He has a enlarged heart and high blood pressure. He also had lupus. He was healthier than ever and collapsed at the bottom of our stairs. I don't know how to go on without my best friend and the love of my life. I look forward to little suggestions about how to cope. I currently journal daily, spend time with friends, and try to distract myself while I am alone with movies and TV. I look at our photos and videos to comfort me. But there is no real comfort right now. I lost the love of my life on matchbox 16, 2015. I just don't know how to move forward without feeling this 7' tall hole in my heart. He was a pro basketball player, so it is a big hole. He was one of a kind! I am lost!