Harleyquinn

thank you both for your replies. although the thoughts are there, i don't believe it's something i would follow through on. However, I have been looking for a grief counselor and/or grief support meetings. hopefully i will be able to find something soon that fits within my schedule

I wish my Michael would come to me in my dreams, I would dream of him often before his passing....but since his death...nothing last night i briefly saw his face as I drifted off to sleep....but it was for a split second, and it was blurry...really strange but i think that was my mind more than him

I haven't told many people in my life about the death of Michael (my ex husband- I am trying to use his name more although each time I say it or type it my eyes fill with tears) Most people in my life now were not in my life when we were married the few people I have mentioned it to really don't know how to react, which I don't blame them but although I only found out about his death a week and a half go they are already looking at me like i should be over it. i'm not "over it"...nor will i ever be "over it" I see no future for me at this point.... i drive down the road and imagine crashing my car, because only in my own death will i be able to see him again I sit at work - and couldn't care less about the job i am supposed to do my moments of peace right now are too few and far between this is only made more complicated by the fact that i am remarried....i was remarried 3 years before Michael passed.... why should i be allowed any kind of happiness in my future when Michael was denied that

the gym is helpful. I hurt my back yesterday so i am recovering from that, but before that i would go to the gym right after work and workout.....it helps me put all my grief into something productive

Jillianne- I'm so sorry for your loss. My situation is a little different. I am 33 years old and lost my ex husband. However, although he is my ex husband and I am remarried he really was the love of my life- and the loss is unbearable ....I am having a hard time visualizing any kind of happy future- even with my current husband (kids etc)...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Any tips when looking for a medium?

until I was with Michael I was never really around drugs, it's bad....I've met so many good people just stuck in this circle of drug addiction My Michael was a wonderful man...but the drugs had him....

Has anyone tried a psychic/medium? I have been researching to see if I can find one with....good reviews? But I don't want to make a rash decision based on my mind just trying to wrap itself around what happened. Any good or bad stories?

agreed...i think this is a lesson learned hard.... not to plan for time we don't know that we have

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will check it out. I think I need to read something that tells me that the process I am going through is normal. I read a lot of ex-spouse stories where they shared children- unfortunately Michael and I never did- but still his mother considers me family- for that i am grateful True- but a lot of people, especially me because I have been lucky enough up until now to not have had experience with someone close to me passing, tthink that we have forever. that's where most of my guilt is as you can tell....not using the last 6 years to mend...thinking I could get my life settled and then reach out to him whenever I was ready instead of using the time

I love this .. the healing part is the hardest to achieve

thank you so much for your replies... truly... sometimes I am so stuck in my own head that it is hard to gain real perspective through all this. i know guilt won't change what has happened i know- a lot of this was caused by his own choices, which he made for his own reasons. Michael's issue was never loving me... Michael never loved Michael and that is where our issues lived. Maybe I should have been stronger...but it was too difficult for me to continue to watch him make decisions that were affecting his health when we separated 6 years ago - although he had been diagnosed with liver disease he was, at least appearances, otherwise healthy.... and 6 years to me, is a shockingly short time to go from appearing to be healthy- to complete organ failure at 43 years old (I am 10 years younger- 33 years old) Since I found out about his passing (I found out Wed Sept 9th, 2015... he passed July 1st, 2015).. I reached out to his mother- I was hesitant because I was not sure if she would be angry I had left.... but she was very happy i reached out... she knew we loved each other.....and I am thankful she has accepted back into her life where we talk on a regular basis, and is sending me a box of items from the memorial. as I mentioned, I have a wonderful husband who, although is in a bit of an awkward position (he and my ex husband got into at least one verbal argument when we started dating), has been very understanding of me reaching out to his family and receiving whatever they want to send- and although he is letting me grieve privately, does ask me several times a day if i am ok...

I don't know if in the end it would have made a difference in the outcome part of me believes, when things happen to you physically- you have to have the will to survive to beat it what happened to Michael was, he was getting ready to go into surgery to have a procedure to help his liver function berfore the surgery he ended up with an internal bleed and a collapsed lung as well as a fever induced by a virus my understanding is, he was unconscious a lot of the time- but the day before he passed, he gained consciousnesses briefly- just enough to open his eyes...the next morning his organs began to fail and he passed would me having contacting him prior to all this have made a real difference? probably not. I would have however, been able to be there and hold his hand through it (I absolutely would have)... i would have been there for that moment he opened his eyes; and maybe...just maybe.... his body would have wanted to fight a bit more (trust me, i know that part sounds crazy....) right now i live moment to moment. some moments my heart feels literally like it's falling apart in my chest...just pieces....and some moments, i feel calm and peace and happiness thinking about the memories we shared....I wonder if it's him bringing me that peace...but that feeling of peace leaves just as quickly as it arrives

Thank you so much for your reply I know my situation with him was different than a lot of ccouples who deal with drug issues.....I left because I couldn't stand to watch it.....but never for a moment did I doubt his love for me I know the last two years of his life he spent with his mom and mended that relationship - so that brings me some peace....I just wish I had been able to do the same and just tell him one last time I loved him His health, it seems, went downhill so fast In the 6 years we didn't talk. I was getting ready to find him and reach out to him to get all of this out which is how I found out he had passed two months earlier Why didn't I just do it sooner....

October 2004 I met the most wonderful man June 2005 we were married Unfortunately things unraveled quickly. He had some major drug addictions and no matter how much I loved him- the drugs were always there. October 2007 we divorced and separated for a year. In 2008 we reconciled but that only lasted a year. The drugs were still there and it was just too difficult. We cut off communication but I never stopped loving him. 3 years after we split up for the last time I remarried. My husband is wonderful, but I could never love anyone like I did my ex husband. I always assumed at some point I would be able to talk to my ex again and talk through the issues we had to clear the air. I received word that my ex husband died. Cirrhosis of the liver from hepatitis c due to his long term use of intravenous drugs My heart is broken. The grief I feel is more than I can take To make it worse, I talked to his mother, and he never moved on...he literally loved me until the day he died and I never got to tell him I loved and missed him too. I am totally broken between guilt and devestation.