Harleyquinn

i'm really surprised how i am feeling physically- i really thought i was taking care of myself to avoid physical showings of the stress I've been under. I eat healthy, exercise daily still, sleep at night (although I can't sleep until I've talked to Michael which I do nightly and each morning)- but my body doesn't seem to want to regulate it's temp very well right now...i'm either burning up or feeling chilled to the bone (98% of the time feeling chilled to the bone) another thing that has surprised me is how many memories are coming back- let me start by saying, my memory is not the best- i know people who remember stuff from when they were 5 years old...my whole childhood is fuzzy except the big memories. but lately I've remembered not only specific daily events between Michael and I that i haven't thought about in years- but exact words said by my Michael. I'd like to think it's him bringing those memories to me but i think my mind & heart is just searching for things that link me to him

i think i am actually getting physically ill from the grief. last few days i've had chills and today i am just sick to my stomach all day (although i ate a grilled cheese sandwich earlier which was yummy and about the only thing i could stomach)

I don't know what is worse sometimes...feeling like the pain will never end...or the fear that one day it will and I will forget......

Marty- thank you so much for that article. It really was helpful- and made a lot of sense. I never dealt with the ending of our marriage, because to me he would always be there. never, in my mind, would there be a world or a life without him. and suddenly he is gone, forever. Kayc - thank you for understanding, this is exactly why i continue to come back. I would say, if anyone had the chance to ask Michael- he would absolutely say I am his Widow. He continued to refer to me as his wife after our divorce. In his eyes, paper or no paper- I was his Wife.

Today was a tough day but I made it through. I want to thank everyone here who have been so supportive. sometimes when i read through threads here I feel like I am intruding, like i don't belong here because Michael was my ex husband. I think about our marriage and there are so many regrets...why didn't i try harder...why wasn't i stronger..... If i knew then that he only had 6 years left, would that have changed my decision.....absolutely it would have, that is the cruel pain of hindsight i guess. Michael and I were soulmates...he understood, accepted and loved me like no one else. His drug addictions and constantly putting himself in danger was just too much for me. Even when we separated we knew our lives would forever be intertwined. I am blessed to have been loved by Michael. Even if it wasn't forever. I am blessed every day to have the memories to hold on to. We had a love that a lot of people spend their whole life searching for- and I would give my entire life for one day of the love we had. what is hard for me is I have no identity in his loss. I am not a Widow. There is no mention of me in his obituary. I seemingly have no place. I am the ex wife who loved him more than life itself...

Thank you I knew everyone here would believe me, in that moment I didn't know if I believed me.....part of me really did believe it was in my head. since that post, the overwhelming guilt has not returned. I miss him every moment of every day...but he has lifted the guilt from me.

my entire days are filled with going through the motions. Today I was asked at work about something that happened yesterday, and I honestly couldn't remember. My body is doing everything I should be doing each day so I don't get fired- but my mind is definitly not engaged in it

it seems so simple. but i think sometimes when we are struggling we really need to get back to the basics, that is why i liked this. I'm glad others found it useful

I felt him tonight. I didnt see him or hear him but i felt him. I was having a hard night- and was in tears again when i felt all of it lift all of a sudden and i dont know how to describe it but....i just knew he was there with me and all the burdens and guilt I've been carrying around felt lighter I might be losing my mind.......i might want it so bad my head is playing tricks on me..,, but i swear i finally felt my Michael ♡♡

I'm going back to the gym tonight. I feel so peaceful afterwards. Like I've gotten all the emotions out. I know that's mostly the endorphins and part of me actually feels guilty for having that even if it doesn't last (I know...I really have to work on my guilt issues)

Well I made it through the day at work. My day was not without tears...but I made it...sometimes just surviving the day is all I can hope for

Katpilot, what an awesome experience. I would give anything to feel my Michael so vividly. I do agree, tears of joy make so much sense.

i will def. watch it tonight! thank you

thank you everyone for your thoughts on using Mediums. when i first thought about seeing one, i was hesitant to admit it...because lets face it...not everyone believes in an after life. the more i think about it, the more i want to see one.... to see if Michael is with me. Now, I just need to research and find a real one, and not a scam artist

some moments I really feel like, one day, i will manage without the paralyzing pain i'm in and then something small will happen....I will hear or see his name...and I crumble. Even tho I make a point to talk to him daily and speak his name, so I hear it on a regular basis..... if it comes from another person and i'm not expecting it, it's a huge blow

so i am at work... i work at a large company that likes to do these, "get to know your coworkers" events. today's is, they passed out pieces of paper with someone's middle name and you are supposed to find the person with that middle name and get to know them someone walks by and places a paper on my desk... the name on it is, Michael.... i about got sick when i saw it. sigh. now i get to go off and train classes for the rest of the day. hopefully i can keep it together

I'm working on the first four....but I found this to be true

i ended up going to the gym and working out as hard as i could i feel a bit better now. i've found some peace for the moment.... i won't lie, i feel a little crazy when i'm driving and i'm talking to him outloud....some of me even questions if i am losing my mind. but it seems to help

Today was hard.. I left work early bc I couldn't handle the stress on top of my emotions today. I've started speaking to Michael outloud, mostly while II'm driving.....I talked to him on my way home I came home and fell asleep on the couch... I jerked awake about 30 minutes or so after I fell asleep in almost a panic.....for a split second I forgot he was gone...and then I remembered........

exactly that...

i think no matter how long you have with someone, you always want more....

Michael and I had a short time together- much shorter than I ever wanted. our marriage did not last unfortunately due to drug addictions he had. however, our love did. I continued to love him and he continued to love me even tho we couldn't be together. i wonder sometimes why the universe would spend so much time making sure we were both in that place at that exact moment (years of choices really put us there..not a single day or decision) for such a short lived life together. i'll never know. I am thankful for the years I had with him...no matter how short they were.

I was thinking today about the day I met Michael....how everything in the universe truly lined up so we would meet I was 22 years old and had just gotten out of a rocky 4 year relationship. I was living in Oklahoma with my mother and her boyfriend and i decided to go visit my grandparents in California. Being young and poor I bought a greyhound bus ticket. When the bus pulled up I was saying good-bye to my mother when I noticed this gorgeous man step off the bus and go into the convenience store. I boarded the bus and started to read a book I brought ....out of the corner of my eye I noticed the gorgeous man I saw earlier get back on the bus and sit two rows behind me. Minutes later I hear a voice from behind me ask me what I was reading. I glanced up and looked into the most beautiful blue-green eyes I have ever seen in my life. I showed him my book...he asked my name.....we spent the next 15 hours learning everything about each other He was traveling from Missouri to Tucson so at some point we had to go our separate ways but we exchanged phone numbers and by the time I arrived in Los Angeles I had a message waiting from him....less than a week later I came to Tucson to visit him and I never left. I think about all the things that could have been different that would have caused us to never meet and I am so thankful the universe put us exactly where we needed to be so I could look into his beautiful blue-green eyes

I get lost in music right now One of my favorite songs currently is "Burning House" I tear up every time I hear it