Harleyquinn

the day has been ok. i'm almost through the workday. I've teared up a couple of times but no real crying. I have a picture of him on my work computer and instead of making me cry, it's brought me some comfort today sigh

I am far from an expert in anything SCBA but I think they can be surrounded by peace and love and still miss us. They may not miss being HERE but they can miss being with us. I have no reasoning behind that, except- you can't love someone and not miss them if they are gone- regardless of how good your current circumstances might be. some things, are just so much bigger than us, our brains really can't understand. There are times I swear I feel Michael with me. Michael was the love of my life- no doubt in my mind. But due to circumstances in our relationship we had not spoken in 4 years. he continued to love me, and i love him. I have no idea why he would want to watch over me- when the last time we spoke, we were fighting. I have no idea why even here on earth he continued to love me when that was our last interaction. Feelings, emotions and love is so much more complicated than what we can understand.

That is something I have to keep reminding myself. my mind instantly wants to explain away things that happen a lot of times, it gets very logical. but there are things that are just bigger than what we could possibly understand at the same time, i don't want to WANT something so bad (like a sign or message from Michael) that my mind makes up things where they aren't. it's a balance.

I am so sorry for your loss... but what a gift that is to know she is ok, happy and healthy.

It's the weirdest thing. Every time I start feeling upset lately (sad...crying...etc) after a little while it just all goes away ...like instantaneously I swear I'm losing my mind

Last night I started to feel really good.....like...back to normal good..... This morning I woke up and literally the first thing that popped into my head was all the horrible things we said to each other out of anger when we last spoke .... I wish I didn't have to go to work

Marty- I will check that site out, thank you!

like a lot of people, I have been delving into reading about life (or consciousness) after death. I ran across this article, http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/this-is-what-its-like-to-be-dead-according-to-a-guy-who-died-for-a-bit-10068959.html where a man who died for two minutes claimed there is no life after death bc he felt like it was just like a black dreamless nap. My thoughts are, if he even recalled blackness, or a dreamless nap- does that not indicate consciousness of some kind? he specifically said, it was not just like a gap in time- which to me would indicate true "nothingness" after death. anyway, i'm interested in hearing from those who may have spent more time reading on this than I have.... thoughts about consciousness after death, reincarnation etc.. I know it's just speculation for most of us who have not experienced a NDE, but reading about this for now does bring me some comfort.

i try to keep my health up, because i have to work and continue on- but it is a fight every day i make sure i make it to the gym daily and make sure i am eating (mostly healthy food)... but grocery shopping is way over due and i have been eating out more than i'd like to admit ......even with eating regular meals and working out....i still feel ill almost constantly...and I know that stems from emotional more than physical. for lunch right now, the only thing i can stomach is grilled cheese sandwiches...no idea where that came from, but it's been like that for a couple of weeks now..... every now and then, i get a rush of.....i don't know what to call it really, but wellness....and i feel good...for a short period of time...and then it's gone again and i'm back to feeling sick

i think that's good advice...not to make any big decisions for the first few years. I do think if i moved i would regret it later. so for now i'm staying put. i really do wish there was a book for those of us who have regrets about not talking to someone they loved before they passed. Unfortunately I don't think there is. so i get to stumble through this alone and figure it out the best I can.

Do the days get worse before they get better? I couldn't make myself get out of bed this morning... Finally @ 3pm i decided to force myself out of bed and go to the gym. On the way I drove by one of the old places Michael and I used to live.. found it was torn down- that made me sad. Went to the gym and ran two miles- which helps pick me up a bit....maybe this town just holds too many memories and I should move...but then, that feels like it makes it too real...

I wish I could hear , see or feel Michael. Talking directly to him, although sometimes painful- really does help me keep a feeling of a connection with him.

well... i tried to get out of the house today and do something (something other than my normal work and gym routine)... it lasted about an hour before i just wanted to come home. i'm trying to balance my life now. I feel guilt for letting this affect my day to day life when i spent 4 years not talking to Michael ( i know i previously said 6, when i thought about it tho- we did talk on and off for the first couple of years of our separation) then i feel guilty for feeling guilty....because of course this will effect my day to day life. i was ok before because i knew Michael was ok before- and my heart knew, we would talk again when we were ready to (i say we, but it was me,...he was ready years ago).... i needed to grow into a different person.....this was never supposed to be permanent.....now that option is gone. i will say tho, i remembered something today - and my mind is fighting to decide if it was a sign from Michael: I am generally not a "lucky" person. I don't win things or find money or any like that. When Michael and i were together, he found $100 bill on the ground once. i was shocked. i looked right past it and didnt notice it. I was even more shocked when it was confirmed real (i thought for sure it was fake). anyway, that was years ago. a couple of months ago i was walking out of a movie theater- and I found $50. never in my life have i found money. and it instantly made me think of that day with Michael....i tell that $100 story often when i explain to people how i just don't run into stuff like that, but my Michael would. At the time of me finding that money, I did not know Michael had passed- and today when i remembered that story, i couldnt remember how long ago it was. so i searched my facebook timeline bc I remembered what movie i saw that day. It was July 11th. My Michael passed away July 1st. part of me believes that was a sign from him- but my mind fights that and tells me i'm being silly

Debi- that was an awesome perspective

I will absolutely let you guys know how it goes. I looked at a lot of mediums- i went with her bc her reviews state she doesn't ask for any information (except are you trying to reach someone who passed) Which, agrees with what her website says: "My intention as an evidential medium is to work with those in the spirit world, asking for as much validation as possible so that it will leave no doubt in your mind that your loved one, or loved ones, have communicated with you from the spirit world. 1) When you contact me for a reading, I may ask you if you are looking to connect with someone who has passed. Because I work as a psychic and a medium, I want to be able to know how I can best serve you. In order to preserve the integrity of your reading, please just answer yes or no, and do not volunteer any other information regarding loved ones passed. It’s better that they provide you with that validation during the reading....." So far that has all been the experience others have had but we will see. No one through the appointment process yet has asked for anything but my name and phone number. Michael had a huge personality. Very very very outgoing - talked to everyone and loved to laugh. In fact- when i first moved to be with him i was shocked that every where we went, somebody knew him and would come talk to him. If he can come through I have no doubt he will and it should be pretty easy for me to tell if it's him...or if she is making things up....

thank you marty lately i feel like i might actually be going crazy...like in the truest sense of the word my emotions flip back and forth without warning and seemingly no trigger, one moment i'm fine, the next i'm curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably. I can't think or concentrate at work. i went for a run tonight and that seems to center me but who knows for how long....

just an update- i'm back to feeling peace. I don't know why or how- but peace just came over me again and i'm thankful for it

i've put in a request today through my work employee assistance program today to meet with a counselor. I'm not sure what else to do at this point

what is the years we spent not talking negates the years we spent together... what if i don't feel him bc he does not want to be around me...why would he..

I am making an appointment for a reading with a medium. I am very excited about it, but her waiting list for a phone reading is 4-6 months, so it won't be until late Feb. (her in person wait list can be up to two years) I am not going in with my hopes too high because I know she may not see or hear anything. but if she is real and if my Michael is around- he will send a message

last night was hard. I cried a lot... this morning isn't feeling much better...

Debi- because I don't really know how to truly encourage a sign, I just talk to Michael and ask for signs. that being said, I haven't had any big signs- not even dreams (which is weird bc I would dream about him before he passed) I have had a couple of moments where, i think, i could feel him. So for now, I just talk to him and hope when he is ready he will give me a sign

self anger and blame is very difficult and something i struggle with tremendously. guilt from wasted time. I am trying to accept that I cannot change what has been, I can only accept that the choices I made in any given moment was the choice i believed was right based on the circumstances and knowledge I had at the time and do my best moving forward.

My dog is not one for long walks haha he ends up having to be carried home

exercise is wonderful- not only for the body but for the mind & soul. that is one thing i have made sure to continue to do is go to the gym daily and workout