Harleyquinn

Yes! I have no description for my mood swings.... sometimes memories make me laugh...other times the same memories make me cry I really am going crazy

I ran across this and it was somehow comforting

I had a dream this morning and it was emotionally draining. I woke up exhausted from it. the dream was literally me crying... ...and just the depth of sadness felt in the dream was so dark. it was like- the physical expression of everything i feel every day, I woke up from it, and my eyes were wet, i had obviously been crying throughout the dream and i just woke up so exhausted after i had a moment process it all when i woke up, i realized if Michael can see or feel me, that must be what he sees....just this constant deep sadness

i've thought about that Katpilot. how it's going to feel as I age and the pictures of Michael remain the same. such a weird feeling, that Michael will never get to grow old.....

... I've always made the best decisions I could at the time I had to with the information available... that goes for all decisions in my life. sometimes it means nothing and guilt is so strong it's overwhelming, other times it brings me some peace.

Hi Santiken, I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is very much physical. I've said I can feel my heart physically hurt. my body feel physically sick, although there is nothing wrong with me. i've done my best to eat healthy and stay physically active to help my body cope but there is still definitely a physical aspect to the grief.

No worries! I look forward to hearing about your experience!

I think I've accepted I'll never have closure. So much was left unsaid....since his death I've repeated the words over and over again that I wish I had said to him. I've cried them...I've yelled them. I've thought them silently in my head. All hoping repeating the words would help bring some healing....but the fact is, I'll never be able to look into his eyes and tell him how sorry I am. How much I love him. How wrong everything went. How it was never supposed to end this way for us....how he was my soulmate and part of me. every night i tell him i love him.....does he hear me? Does he still love me wherever he is? Does he forgive me? Will i be with him again when i pass? these are all the questions that keep me from having closure.....

Hi Lisa =) just checking in with you. How did everything go Saturday?

Gwenivere- I like your analogy of our lives being like a book. Michael was my ex husband....I loved him deeply and continue to....he also continued to love me deeply until he passed. I always believed our time together was not over....no matter how my life appeared to move forward....I did so believing Michael was my soulmate and one day....we would come together again. With his passing I've struggled to accept that our chapter is really finished. I've re-read all the previous chapters thinking about all the ways we should of Done things differently. ....not just me, but Michael too...... How two people can love each other as much as he and I did, and not make it work, just baffles me This is not how it was supposed to end for us........

I'm embarrassed to admit grief has apparently made me a pretty horrible person I've been following the Lamar Odom story - apparently he is out of the Como and talking...which previous me would have been happy to hear. Instead my first thought is why does he get to survive this and yet Michael is gone....how unfair. Then I realize in my own head how awful it is to be angry that someone I don't know - who has children of his own - survived

i'm sorry about the exam. You are not a failure though. you are pushing forward to make the best of what can only be described as the most painful time in your life. You are not a failure. I cry...all the time...over nothing...over stupid things.... over everything. never feel bad for crying. I am also back in school. it's hard, because in grief our minds are clouded....not clear like they used to be. so i don't retain information as well as I used to. Same thing happens to me while I am at work. I am exhausted..emotionally and physically by the end of each week, but that just reminds me that I am trying and i haven't given up on life....it's not the life i want. it's not the world i want. and it is completely unfair..... but it is what it is.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts that everything goes well Saturday!

Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear it was rescheduled. I can't imagine how disappointing that must be. The only thing I can think of is I've read that when you are deep in grief and pain it can make it hard for the spirit to come through. Did they give you any idea when it would be rescheduled for?

i workout... a lot...running levels my mood and emotions out. swimming just kind of puts my mind at peace. I plan on taking some meditation classes as well.

i woke up this morning feeling....ok came to work....thinking i could make it through the day a few minutes ago, thinking about Michael, my chest tightened and suddenly it was hard to breathe again.... i never want to stop missing Michael...but I do wish the physical reactions would stop...

thank you Marty.... 3 of my siblings live with them..... however, I don't have much confidence in their ability to care for him. One of my sisters actually encourages his refusal to use a walker. The other is on disability due to back issues, so if he was to fall- she would not be able to lift him up..... and the other lives there with her husband and I swear they are just in their own world. My brother, does not live with them but lives nearby and is pretty emotionally disconnected from the family.

I normally hang out at the Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other boards... my ex husband passed July 1, 2015 and it's been devastating. a couple of weeks ago, I found out my father has been diagnosed with alzheimer's. I live a state away so it is difficult not being near by. I depend a lot on family keeping me updated... today I received a phone call that he fell for the second time this week, and my mother took him to the ER because he hit his head when he fell He is losing his balance a lot and Drs have told him to start using a walker...unfortunately he lets his pride get in the way and refuses. I wish I could push him to do what the Drs say- but he won't talk to any of his kids about his medical issues. He only wants to deal with my Mother... they are both in their 70's, so she is dealing with medical issues of her own. They have 5 children - but won't allow any of us to help. So frustrating... I know he thinks by keeping us in the dark he is not stressing us out..but it's more stressful not be able to help

my performance at work as definitely dropped I used to be driven, ambitious, hard working...have been recognized as a top performer multiple times.... fast forward to today, and i can barely do the basics of my job.... for now i am skating by because of reputation of how i used to be... i do worry sometimes if i can't snap out of it i might lose my job...but i can't really seem to make myself care much

I think what strikes a lot of people who have suffered loss, is how can it be possible that the days continue to move on... the world should stop right? the Minute Michael's heart stopped beating, the world should have stopped. I never wanted to live in a world that didn't have Michael in it...but here it is..... over 3 months later...and I have to get up every day, get dressed, go to work...pay bills...go to the grocery store.....it's surreal that all these things happen...but he is gone...

Yesterday was tough...I went in late to work....didn't get much work done, I probably should have taken the full day... I did force myself to the gym.....all my prior runs were 1-2 miles....yesterday I ran 3.10 (my first 5k!) ......running really helped sort things out in my head.....in fact when I wanted to stop I just thought about Michael and that gave me the push to finish This morning however, my legs are killing me...but I'm ready to be back at work....

This seems impossible. ....but I can only hope it's true