Kpl48

I'm so grateful I'm with our group. Your love and support means a lot to me. Some friends have called or emailed me today. They are thinking of me on this special day when my husband died a year ago. Thank God I'm going to be with friends today. I'll be at Robin's and Chris home with Sandy. I'll leave my dog at home. He'll be OK as I will be back in the evening. My husband's ashes are in a vase in the living room. I'm glad I didn't spread them. His daughter didn't spread the ashes I gave her either. I don't know if we ever will. I've been looking at his pictures and crying. I miss him so much. It's comforting to know you understand and sadly been through the same thing. Thank you for your support. Kristine

Yes, I wanted to join my husband soon after he died. I felt like killing myself. But I didn't. I talked to understanding people about it and that helped. Now I do look forward to being with Andre when I die. I often wish that day would come very soon. I've come to accept that I don't know when that day will come. Until then there is grief and loving memories. I know Andre is with me. I just miss him so much. I know you understand.

God bid bless you Butch. Love - Kristine

I'm going to talk with my therapist about the idea of letting go. I'm going to tell her I'm not ever going to let my Andre go. I know he is dead, so he is no longer physically there for me (I wish he was still alive). But I know he is my guardian angel looking on and helping me to live a new life. I know I will see him when I die. We will be together again, happy and in love. I hope she understands this as she has helped me a lot. If not, I'll find another therapist because I do need help. Thank you for telling me about not letting go of your loved ones. Today I had coffee with two friends, went to my support group and then had a good healthy lunch with a friend. I feel better when I'm with friends; it occupies my thinking. I can't get into depth about my grief with most friends. All of them know tomorrow is Andre's death day and they are caring and empathetic. I think they just don't know what to do if I sobbed and wailed in front of them. I don't think they know how to listen to my mourning and my grief. That's what is so special about all of you. I can express all my feelings as I cry and hurt from the pain of my loss. I read all of your shares and I know we understand each other. I'm no longer alone with my despair. Last year today was the day before he died. He was home. He could still sit in his chair, but could barely talk and he was coughing up blood from his lung cancer. About five or six of his friends and his daughter had made the 2 1/2 hour drive to the desert to be with him. It was wonderful that they were here. Early evening he had to lay down in our bedroom. We all let him rest with one or two friends alternating to be by his side. As time went on Andre got worse and worse. He could no longer sit up and was coughing up more blood. I called the hospice nurse who told me to start giving him morphine. That really helped him to be more comfortable. A hospital bed was delivered and we were able to get him into it. A catheter was hooked up and liquid morphine was delivered. A hospice nurse came to see him. Our friends and several of our neighbors came to quietly sit by his bed. He couldn't talk anymore. His daughter had gone home but was coming back in the morning. Andre was comfortable, but he was out of it. Most of our friends went home. A close friend of many years and her boyfriend stayed overnight. They remained with me until early morning. Then they went to their room to rest and I rested near my husband. He began to try to get out of bed saying a big hand was coming down to him and he had to go to it. I got him back in bed by telling him the hand would come to him and then he could grab hold of it. I believe this was God. He accepted that and lay back down. I tried to rest but he kept moving around in the bed. I worried he would pull out the catheter so I kept trying to calm him. He was coughing up a lot of blood by now and was in pain, so I gave him morphine which helped him. He kept struggling so I called our friends from their room. They told me to get some rest while they stayed up with him. I guess I fell asleep. The next thing I knew our friend was tapping my shoulder. I woke. She told me Andre was gone! I went to his bed. She had closed his eyes and folded his hands on his chest. He looked so peaceful. I called to him as I cried. I told him good bye as I kissed his beautiful lips and face. I think she called the hospice and a nurse came right away. The nurse took care of everything. The nurse asked me did I want Andre's ring and necklace. I said yes and the nurse respectfully gave me my husband's jewelry. Andre was taken away and the hospital bed was picked up. I'm so grateful my friends and the nurse took care of all of this. Even though I knew it was Andre's time to die, I'm sure I was in shock. Flowers and condolences arrived. Our friend and her boyfriend lovingly stayed until Andre's daughter arrived. His daughter stayed over with me until my cousin arrived. My cousin spent the week with me. I felt loved and taken care of. Everyone's participation meant so much to me. After a week, my cousin left. A neighbor/friend was there for me, but I was ALONE! Alone without my Andre. I know I was in shock. The doctor had said he would live about a year from the date of diagnoses and he died a couple of weeks beyond that year. Andre started really declining about a week before he died. He could sit up, walk and talk up to two days before he died. I'm so thankful we opted for hospice. He didn't have to suffer from all the cancer treatments and side effects. His lung cancer was stage four terminal. I thank God for the wonderful quality year we had together. I needed to tell this story on the day before he died. I've told my therapist and my grief group the story. I felt reluctant to share these specifics with friends and at my support groups. I only want to share this with those who will really listen and understand and just let me grieve with out the uncomfortable well meaning comments. I am home alone as I write all of this. I'm crying and my little dog Fonzie is laying by my side. I'm comforted knowing some of you will read this long story. Thank you so much for being there for me. Love - Kristine (Kpl48)

Thank you all for your shares and support. RD so good we have each other because we really understand what it's like. I've been with people since this afternoon, which is a good thing because this takes my mind off of how much I miss Andre. I'm going to be out with friends tomorrow also. I've pretty much filled these coming days with being out with friends. I think this will help me get through my husband's death date of October 2. And when I'm home alone, I don't really have to be alone because I can read the shares on the grief groups topics and write too. I'm very grateful! Kristine

Thanks for your experience with others advice to let go or allow our departed other to move on. I can imagine Andre doing God's work, which includes staying close to me. I'm going to have to clarify this with my therapist. Months ago I thought the pain might lessen if I let Andre go. Now I know I need him with me! Kristine

Thank you Marty. I can't let him go yet. My therapist tells me Andre and I each have a new life to live and in time I need to let him go so we each can do what God intends for us. She agrees that he is my guardian angel. She is very supportive of my mourning. When I think I'm not doing enough by staying in bed when I'm home alone she assures me that I'm OK. I know I will always have Andre in my heart and soul. I'm crying as usual this morning. I've looked at his pictures I have saved on my iPhone. His expressions are what I remember. Each picture brings me comfort and reminds me of the deep enduring love between us. How I wish he was here with me. He is spiritually here, but not physically here. We depended on each other for everything. We were rarely apart. We kind of lived in our own world. We were soul mates. If it wasn't for my dog and the things I've committed to do, I'd just give up. I don't want to commit suicide anymore, but I want to die. Then I think of the fate of my little dog if I died, and I know I must keep on living. Reading and posting on this group gives me hope that I can finally express all that I'm feeling. Love - Kristine

I'm feeling very alone right now. If I shared this before, forgive me for repeating myself. I live in a small home in a resort mobile home and Rv park. I live in the California desert and have a beautiful view of the mountains from my living room. My husband and I used to sit in the living room for hours. We enjoyed the view, watched tv and played with our dog. When Andre first died I sat in the living room, but I don't anymore. I can't bear the thought of being there without him. Does anyone else have problems being in certain rooms of their home? What do you do about it? Love - Kristine

Thank you so much kayc. I've read many of your posts and have been helped by them. Yes my therapist is trained in grief counseling. That's one of the reasons I chose her. She really helps me walk through the pain. Last session we talked about letting Andre go. I can't do that yet. I need him now. Sometimes I feel him near me. As I cry I call out for him. I usually cry through out each day when I'm alone. When I don't have to go out, I usually stay in bed with the tv on and my little dog, Fonzie, by my side. I feel awful when I wake up. I know the day is before me. I feel I can't get through it. Without Andre everything is a struggle. I look at his photos to bring him back to me. It feels good to cry when I do this. Today I go out to lunch with Sandy and then to a 3pm appointment. I have my grief group this evening. I'm grateful to have these things to do. With Love - Kristine (Kpl48)

Karen and Butch Your shares inspire me to have hope that by sharing my grief on this group, I will be able to express how I'm really feeling without reservations. I'm sorry for your losses. I know how you feel. Just making it through each day is a major feat! Love Kristine (Kpl48)

My husband died of lung cancer on October 2 2014. He was diagnosed a year before he died. He had stage 4 terminal lung cancer so we opted for hospice. He was at home the whole time which was wonderful. He started declining in September 2014, but was mobile and alert up to the day before he died. I'm so grateful we had that quality year together. We were married 23 years. I have cried everyday since he died. The worst is when I'm home alone or driving alone in my car. I get some relief when I'm out at support group meetings or with my friend Sandy. When I wake up each morning I want to die to end the pain and to be with him. I do better when it's time to go to sleep. When I sleep I don't feel the pain. Before bed I even feel a little more hopeful, but on awakening that hope disappears. Another day without my husband Andre is so painful I can hardly bear it. I go to a grief group every Wednesday night. Fortunately this group does not end after a certain number of weeks. Some members have been there for 6 years. It's good to share and listen in my grief group, but no one shares as deeply as members on this website. I googled grief group and clicked on grief healing discussion groups and have been reading ever since. Reading all the shares helped me to feel better about the anguish I am experiencing since my husband died. I thank God I found all of you. You tell it like it is; you put your deep grief into words. I share deeply with my therapist. She really listens and supports me. I can share fairly deeply with my cousin who listens to my words and my tears. My friend Sandy spends time with me and I'm sharing more with her as my trust grows. Others in my life don't seem to understand how much I need them to just listen to my words and accept my tears. This Friday Andre will have been gone one year. I will be spending most of the day with Sandy and an understanding, supportive couple (Robin and Chris). We will spend the day at Robin and Chris' house and go out for an early dinner at a nice restaurant. I know when I'm back at home alone, my anguish will be horrible. I'm so grateful that I will be able to write to all of you. I won't feel so all alone and I know you'll understand. I have more to share and I will as time goes on. I hope to communicate with your shares also. Again, I'm so grateful to have found all of you. The heartfelt honesty in the groups means so much to me. With Love - Kristine