Kpl48

My prayers go out to Butch.

It is hard to describe the hurt and pain of grief. As you say, it's overwhelming. Maybe you are experiencing the adjustment to your medication. Usually the doctor will adjust medications until a successful one is found. Often my grief makes me feel frozen and numb. Then the pain returns and I don't think I can bear it any longer. I cry out for my husband especially when I'm alone. It's been a year and I'm still I pain. The things that help me are going out and being with understanding people. My husband wanted me to go out and make friends. That's what I've been pushing myself to do. I'm in therapy, go to a weekly grief group and participate in two online grief groups. When I'm home alone I really feel the absence of my husband - it's awful. My dog is a great comfort to me. I don't have any children and my parents are dead. I do reach out to others by making phone calls. Sometimes the best I can do is rest in bed with the tv on and my dog by my side.

My dog, Fonzie, came through his surgery just fine. The vet removed four cysts. We go back in under two weeks to get his stitches out. Kristine

I cry every day for life as it was. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and given a year to live. During that year I cried off and on. He understood. He told me many loving things: he had no regrets, he wanted me to make many friends, he wanted me to enjoy my life. We spent good times together. I haven't been the same since he died. My heart is broken without him. I have made many friends and I'm living this new life the best I can. Thank God for this group. By reading shares I know that my thoughts and feelings are normal. I want to thank every one for sharing so much from your hearts. Kristine

I had my my house professionally cleaned yesterday. They did a terrific job. They dusted, wiped, vacuumed, and deep cleaned. My house is very small so it only took 2 hours. I will have them come either twice a month or every 3 weeks until I can do more myself. I'm going to get someone to do my small yard. I also need my deck railing replaced and a vinyl floor installed. I do feel better now that I have help with cleaning my home. I just couldn't do it since my husband isn't here with me anymore. My dog is scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove some growths on his skin. I'm anxious about him going under anesthesia. He had to go under several months ago to have some dental work done. He was just fine, so there should be no problems. He will have some stitches so I'm sure he will have to wear one of those collars. He should heal quickly. Your shares on this topic have included grocery shopping. It's hard for me also. I also can't bring myself to cook, so I buy healthy prepared meals. I'm eating less since my husband died. Going to the store and putting away the food reminds me of life when my husband was here. Driving in my car reminds me too. Everything reminds me. I cry throughout every day. I wish I could sleep all day because I don't remember him in my sleep. Instead I do at least the minimum every day. It's better when I go out and see friends. A good friend won't be available for a few days. She sometimes comes to my place and we go to the pools in my resort. Maybe I'll be able to go to the pools by myself soon. There are usually people to visit with at the pools. Being with people helps me to not think of my husband so much.

A year ago my husband died of lung cancer. I'm so sorry for your loss. The waves of pain are followed by a glimpse of calm. It's essential to feel your feelings; there is no alternative. It's worst for me when I'm alone. I try to connect with others who understand. This group is very helpful. Reading and writing shares is important to me. Please stay active here. It really helps. Kristine

I'm so sorry you lost your boyfriend. My husband died from lung cancer a year ago. My grief is very painful when I'm home alone...when I'm alone. I also want the pain to end, but I have learned it is part of the grieving process. Over the past year I have built friendships in a support group I go to. I'm also in therapy and go to a grief group once a week. I'm a member of an email grief group and have now joined this grief group. This group is so helpful. I can read and share any time I want to. Everyone here is so supportive. It's true, about taking it one step at a time. Sometimes I take it one minute at a time. It must be difficult with a child, but that is a blessing too. Some of the previous suggestions will be very helpful for your new life. None of us chose to have this new life, yet here we are. The gamut of feelings can be difficult to go through. The experiences and replays from others in this group give me a lot of hope. Please keep sharing and reading - it really helps. Kristine

Thank you all for your help. I'm learning from you that my inability to do housework and some other things my husband and I did together is not so unusual. I've done a few things in the house today and took a really good bath. I dropped my nice clothes at the cleaners, even washable clothes because I don't want to iron! Tomorrow the house cleaners come. I feel anxious. I also feel very sad that my husband isn't here with me. I'll make it but it's so hard!

I finally decided to have my little house and my carpet professionally cleaned. After my husband died I was able to clean my house and carpet myself for several months. Since then, I haven't been able to do it. My husband and I did everything together, even cleaning and paperwork. Now when I try to do things I'm overcome with my grief. This has gone on for months. My place looks neat and I do the most necessary paperwork. I just need a deep cleaning and to sort through my papers. The house cleaners will come Tuesday and the carpet cleaners will come on Thursday. Then I won't be alone while my home gets cleaned. I need to get a few areas cleaned up before they come. I'm going to ask a friend to come be with me while I do this; I'll offer to pay her. I need this support right now. I can afford it so why not. However, I feel bad about being so needy. Emotionally I just can't face doing this stuff by myself. I'm going to get someone to do my small outdoor areas too. My husband used to do so much of this stuff. When I try to do it, it reminds me that he is gone. I cry and become unable to do it. I should be further along as he's been dead a year now. When I'm alone at home I feel desperate. I wish I could feel better about being with myself. I do better when I'm out with people. I go out almost everyday. But when I get home the loneliness and grief is still there. Thank God for my dog. He is a great comfort and sometimes he's the only reason I keep on living. I'm in therapy and go to a grief group weekly. I'm trying to move on. Every day is such a struggle. How do you deal with house keeping, etc? Kristine

I've been going to a therapist for months. We've been focusing on my grief. She and my new psychiatrist helped me to get off some of the numbing medications I was on for years. Once I was more clear headed, I was able to better feel and express my grief. Over the past month and a half, I cry during my sessions. I talk with her about my husband and my concerns. She really listens and gives me comforting amounts of sympathy, plus she gives me feedback and hope. I tend to be very hard on myself for not being stronger and further along with being able to live life without Andre. She helps me to be gentler with myself and reassures me that it takes time to heal. I'm also a member in an email grief group since before Andre's death. And, I go to a weekly in person grief group. I get and give support in these groups. Now I have this healing group! I'm also a member of OA (Overeaters Anonymous), which is a 12 step program for compulsive eaters I have nine months of recovery in OA with a 100 lbs weight loss maintained for about two years! All these support resources are very good for me. Going to my weekly therapy and grief group, and my OA meetings gets me up and out of isolating at home, and with other people who want to heal. My online grief groups help me 24/7. I'm getting help and helping others. I recommend therapy or counseling, especially one to one. Participating in grief and support groups is a big help also. Kristine

I think I felt numb for awhile when I was in my first months of grief. I know I did a lot more than I do now. Maybe it was shock.

Thank you. I'm trying. I don't feel as depressed this morning, but I'm staying in bed with my dog until it's time to go to my support group. Hopefully I will do better tomorrow morning.

My prayers go out to Butch and his family. Love kristine

I'm going to try to set time for crying. I usually cry throughout the day unless I'm at a support group meeting. I've been crying during my entire therapy session. I often have dry tears with choking and whimpering. Maybe if I have a set crying time, I wouldn't be crying all day?

I got out of bed, took my dog on a walk, washed my hair and dressed to go to my support group meeting. I was going to just stay in bed, but called a friend from my support meeting and we are meeting for coffee before the meeting. Trying to take action. Tomorrow I go to therapy in the afternoon and to my grief group in the evening. Thank you all for being here. Kristine

Thank you. The article really helped me. I need to become active I my grief. It won't just happen without me working at it. Kristine

Congratulations! What a victory for you. Kristine

Today has become a really hard day for me. It's about 2 pm and I'm still in bed. I spent yesterday in bed also. I know I'm not moving through my grief; I'm stuck in it. I just can't seem to escape my depression and anxiety. I miss Andre so much. I want to die so I can be with him. It's not my time yet and I have to accept this. I have so many things I could do. I'm retired and financially secure. At night I'm sure I'll do some of the things I think about, but when I wake up I don't do them. I feel I'm depressed and procrastinating. I lay in bed feeling so bad. I cry often for my husband. I don't want to be alone. I'm reaching out to you all because I know you understand. Kristine

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please come back here and share your grief. Doing that is helping me so much. Kristine

It was one year on October 2 that my husband, Andre, died. We all suffer from losing our wives or husband's. I've read this entire thread (is that the name?). All of your shares helped me as I'm getting through this day. I'm home all day. I can't bring myself to go out or get out of bed even. I don't want to go on without Andre. But I must. When I want to die, thoughts of my dog, Fonzie, being left alone give me the will to live. Even though I have good connections with most people, Fonzie has remained closely by my side since the loss of my husband. I'm retired, so I don't work. I do go to support group (not grief, but they understand) meetings almost every day. I'm an overeater and a member of Overeaters Anonymous (a 12th step group). It's a physical, emotional and spiritual recovery group. I've lost 100 lbs and maintained that loss for two years now. Members in the meetings I go to have become friends. I've been able to share about my grief many times during this last year. People have been very supportive. It's my personal life I'm having a lot of trouble with. I'm not taking care of my home, although it looks neat and clean. That's because I don't really use the house much. I can't bring myself to sit in the living room, where Andre and I spent so much time. I do only the most necessary 'paperwork.' I don't take as many baths as I should, but I do keep myself clean and very presentable. I don't take my dog on walks; he has a dog door and an outside dog run. I could be doing so much more. I do eat healthy and I drink plenty of water. I do push myself to go to my meetings, therapy and my grief group. I have two online grief support groups I participate in. I'm so grateful I was led to this site. I do reach out to others to participate in life. I guess I'm doing the best I can, but I want to do better. I'm grateful we have each other here. I get so much out of reading the shares here. Kristine

I'm so lonely for Andre today. This happens every day. I'm retired so I don't work. I wake up around 8 am every day. I try to go back to sleep because I don't think about my husband when I'm sleeping. I rarely go back to sleep. Instead I make a cup of coffee, watch tv, snuggle with my dog and read messages. I cry and cry, aching for when Andre was alive. Im in such pain. It immobilizes me. I can't seem to get out of bed unless I have a support group meeting. Then I get up and go. I feel good at the meetings. The meetings are not about grief, but I can share about it comfortably. We all have time to talk while others listen. This helps me to forget my grief during the one hour meeting time. Sometimes some of us go out to coffee or lunch after the meeting this helps me also. Most of life seems so impossible to me. I could be doing things other than meetings, but I don't. I grieve most of the time. I feel so alone...I miss being with my husband. In the year we had before he died he told me he had no regrets. He said he would not change anything in his life. He told me to keep doing things like my art and making friends. He wanted me to have a good life. I hope he forgives me for being so stuck in my grief. I can't seem to push myself to do much of anything. What do you do to overcome being frozen in grief? Kristine

Doing new things is stressful for me. I'm sorry you had such difficulty this morning. I know you will try again. Kristine

Thank you.

October 2 2014 was the day my husband died. He told me he wanted me to make friends and to go out into the world - to build a new life. Over this year I have developed friendships in the support groups I go to. Friday, Saturday and today (Sunday) I made sure I went out with friends. This has helped me feel I'm part of life. They all knew this was a very difficult time for me. They were very caring and supportive. I'm so grateful. During these three days I continue to grieve over Andre when I'm alone at home or alone in the car. In the mornings it is the most painful. I wake up and don't want to face the day without my husband. I can't seem to feel good or secure about the day ahead of me. I have tasks and chores to do, but I only do what's the very most important. I just seem to be unable to move forward when I'm at home. Andre was always with me and we stayed home most of the time. I feel so lonely for him. When I'm home I usually stay in the bedroom, in bed with my dog, watching tv, sometimes reading and reading or writing emails. I don't cook anymore because I just can't eat what I've cooked even though it tastes good. I eat prepared food or I eat out. We used to eat together. Now I just woof the food down if I'm home alone. When I eat out, I eat at a normal pace. I like eating with other people. I need to clean my house, water my plants...I need to do lots of stuff. I'll get to it some day soon. Anyway, I wanted to share that I got through the day my husband died. I often feel like I'm just getting through life. I try to go to a support group meeting everyday; it gets me up and out into the world. I'm able to listen to others and that lessens my grief while I listen. I do the same with tv and audio books. It's all so painful with Andre gone. Kristine