Kpl48

I miss my husband so much. I had a good Thanksgiving with friends. I've made new friends this year as my husband wanted me to do. I'm building a new life the best I can as my husband wanted me to do. At home alone I'm heartbroken and I cry and cry. I don't really want to live like this. I wish I could be with Andre. My little dog needs me and I have lots of people who really care about me. I will go on living until my time comes. Then I'll be with Andre again. I have to believe this.

Thank you for sharing your good Thanksgiving. Mine was with new friends at one of their homes. My husband wanted me to make new friends and build a new life. I'm doing the best I can. I still miss him and cry a lot at home alone.

Thanks for your shares, Gwenivere. All the dates coming up are very painful. We'll get through them together.

Today is my second day in bed. I'm so overwhelmed by my grief, I just can't find a reason to get up. I wish I would die. Life without my husband Andre is so painful. When I'm out with people I do feel better, but alone I cry and ache. The holidays must be affecting me too. The only feelings I have when I'm alone are ones of heartache and grief. It's been over a year now. People tell me I'm doing so much better. I don't feel like it. I just want to die.

Thank you for this. Your words express exactly how I feel about Andre, my husband. He died on October 2 2014.

I've donated all of Andre's clothes. Last week I cleaned out our storage shed. I kept photographs and a few other things. I gave his tools away. I was able to do this with help from a good friend and a worker; I paid both of them for their time. I did the clothes when he first died, and the rest over a year after he died. I also had to sell a rental property and our motorhome about four months after he died. I don't know how I did it all, but I'm satisfied it is done. Today I'm so sad and depressed, I can't get out of bed. My stepdaughter and grandkids came to visit yesterday. I had a friend come with me. We all spent the day at the zoo and then my family went home. My stepdaughter and I believe when we see a hummingbird, it is Andre. She gave me a hummingbird necklace yesterday and a photo of Andre when he was young. I haven't been able to look at them yet. I'm glad they came, but seeing them has made me miss Andre even more. I've been crying all day. Reading all your shares about 'getting rid' of stuff helped me. I'm so grateful we all have each other during this awful time. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you all.

I'm so sorry many of you had to suffer through medical care and hospitalizations. I can't imagine that on top of the pain of losing your loved one. My pain is unbearable as it is. My husband was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given a year to live. We opted for hospice as various treatments held no hope for us. We decided to have a good last year together. We had a good last year. He only got sick during his last week, and only very sick his last two days. We had enough pain medicine to keep him comfortable or asleep. He was home with me the entire time. His daughter and his closest friends came to see him during those last two days. This was quite beautiful. We were surrounded by love and were not alone. Tomorrow my step daughter and the grandkids are coming for a visit. We are meeting at a local zoo because my little house is not toddler friendly. I think this visit is triggering today's deep heartache and tears. I miss Andre so much. Now I must live in a new world without him. I'm doing my best to go out almost everyday and to make many new friends. When I'm alone I just want to be with my husband, which isn't possible. So I cry and stay inside even on a beautiful day like today. It may sound odd, but my dog and you all give me comfort. I often read and reread your posts. We understand each other. I do have friends I can cry in front of, but I stop my all out grieving before I get out of control. I want to die and to be with Andre. I won't hurt myself and I would never leave my loving dog. Someday I will be with my husband again. It's all so painful.

Everyone has said it all! My love and support goes out to you and Max.

I just sorted through boxes and things we had in our storage shed. A worker and my good friend helped me. I cried off and on as the job went on. I kept very little, threw a lot out and gave some away. I've been feeling lonely since I did this. Today I'm having a very hard time. The storage shed was Andre's territory. He kept his tools there; the shelves were filled with my stuff. Now the space is cleared out. I don't have to be concerned with all the stuff anymore. But this is another painful reminder that he is gone, never to return. He wanted me to build a new life...I'm trying, but it hurts so bad. I'm sorry you just went through giving up your special car - it's all so painful.

I can't imagine finding anyone else either. Andre and I were so close. For 23 years we were together most of the time. Now he is gone. I want to fully believe he is still with me in spirit...that he is my guardian angel. I think wanting him back here with me now might be keeping me from fully accepting he is with me spiritually. Today has been a very rough day. I'm crying a lot. Feeling so alone without my Andre. I'm having depression on top of the grief. In the mornings I'm feeling I want to die again. I want to be with my husband. I have people who love and care about me, but I just want to be with Andre again. To be close, to talk, to hold each other, to laugh, to plan things, to do things, to just sit with each other. I know you all understand.

Kay, hoping you are OK from your fall.

I'm having a hard time today. I woke up tired. I woke up missing Andre so much. It's noon and I've been crying off and on since I woke up. We were retired so we were always together. We enjoyed each other's company. Without him here with me, I'm so alone. I have to do a few things at home today. I have the most difficulty when I'm home alone. I just want to go back to bed and cuddle with my dog. I feel so empty inside. I wish I was with my husband. Or that he was with me. I'm trying to live this new life, but the pain of grief makes it difficult. I'm going to make it, but this is so hard.

Brad, I hope you will be feeling better soon. I haven't had many health problems since my husband died. He always took good care of me. When I do get sick I know it will be difficult physically and emotionally. The past few days I have sorted through our storage areas. I threw out and gave away most of the stuff. I hired a helper and good friend to help me. It was hard to do this. I cried and thought about my lost future with Andre. Yet, when I finished I felt better. I kept photos and some favorite things. Because I now have more space, I can go through the stuff I kept easily. I continue to miss my husband very much every single day. There are times when I don't think I can go on alone. I cry and cry when I'm alone. I want him back with me. In the year he's been gone I've done what he wanted me to do. I'm making friends and building a new life. None of it will ever replace him. He will always be with me. I know he is happy with what I'm doing. I'm still in a lot of pain.

This morning is the first morning in many months that I have sat in my living rooms with the blinds up facing our beautiful view. I'm drinking my coffee and have called an understanding supportive friend for company. My husband and I used to sit in the living room like this. We would visit, watch TV and enjoy our view. I have been staying in bed (my refuge) while drinking my coffee for many months. Too overwhelmed to sit in the living room. I'm doing OK so far. I'll plan to do this tomorrow morning. One day at a time!

The loneliness does at times seem unbearable. Waking up is one of my loneliest times. Yesterday my therapist and I decided to try a new approach for the morning. Instead of staying in bed to drink my coffee while I talk to a friend on the phone, I'm going to the living room with the blinds up to drink my coffee and call a friend. I haven't sat in my living room this way since about three months after Andre died. We used to sit in the living room with our coffee and visiting. The thought of being in the living room was more than I could bear, so I was staying in bed (my refuge) until it was time to start my day. Today is my first day doing this and I feel kinda better so far. Going to take it one day at a time.

This suffering is too much, isn't it? Every day I struggle to grasp onto something to help me through the day. I've been crying since this morning. I'm still in bed with the tv on. Thankfully I have a support group to go to tonight. I make myself go out almost every day. That way I see the outside and I'm with friends for a while. Otherwise all I'd experience is my deep grief. I'm alive so I must keep living.

i woke up alone again today. Each day I wake up, my heart breaks a little more. Facing the reality that my Andre is dead darkens every day. There is no joy or ease I my life. I just get through each day. I'm not really living; I'm just surviving. Move been calling a friend when I wake up for about two weeks now. She suggested I do this. It has helped me some. After we talk I feel less pain, but I still feel devastated. I feel so awfully alone. I cry every morning and throughout the day. I finallygot some things done, but there's always more to do. It all seems so pointless without Andre I my life. I hate to say it, but I wish I would die. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I know I must live. I must build a new life like Andre wanted me to do.

Even though I'm building a new life as my husband wanted me to do, I feel as if I am just surviving each pain filled day. I want to do things around my house. I'm doing stuff little by little. I've done my laundry and written my rent check...that's taken me three days to do! I stayed home Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. I rested and slept. I'm so exhausted from my year of grief. Sleep stops me from thinking about the loss of my husband. I haven't been able to nap or sleep during the day until the past few days. When I would wake up, I would cry. My grief is always with me. It recedes when I'm with people or engaged in doing things. When I'm alone at home or I my car, it's right up front. I push through each day. My therapist and friends tell me I'm doing a lot. I feel I'm doing just enough to keep my life going. Sometimes my reason for living is to take care of my little dog. He's always by my side and we love each other very much. He's a high energy Jack Russel Terrier with lots of quirks! I'm not sure if he'd get adopted if something happened to me. Mom trying to live a new life as my husband wanted me to do. Most days I feel as if I'm just living, but people close to me tell me I'm building a good new life. I guess what I want is for the pain to go away. This pain keeps me from doing more things. I think about my husband and how much I miss him. I feel so sad and I cry a lot. I know many of us are in this state. We share about our deep grief. This helps me to know these feelings are real and that I'm not crazy. Please everyone, keep writing!

Facing the day is very difficult for me too. I've spent the weekend in bed. I've actually been able to sleep a good part of this time. I don't feel the pain and despair when I sleep. Of course when I wake up its there waiting for me. I'd give anything to have my husband back. I know this is impossible. I'm building a new life as he wanted me to do, but nothing can take his place. I often plead with God to help me die so I can be with Andre. I'm exhausted from this horrible grief. Thankfully you all express the depth of your grief. No where else is the truth of grief shared like this. I feel such despair today. I'm having a difficult time pushing through it. I'm so exhausted from it all.

It is a cold and lonely place to be. It's also very difficult to do the things my husband did to take care of our home. I had my windows cleaned and some other stuff my husband always did today. I'm glad I had this done, but it makes me miss him more. I showed my helper my shed that is filled with boxes I want to go through. My friend will help me go through these boxes. Hopefully I will be able to do this next Friday. I want to move forward on redecorating my house and reorganizing the shed is the beginning. This won't be easy, but I think it will help me in building a new life. I know it's what Andre would want me to do. I rested all day yesterday. I going to do the same with the rest of today. Grief is exhausting. I have a support group meeting and workshop for most of the day tomorrow. I always miss Andre more when I'm alone, but I need to take it easy at home today. I cry on and off. I want him to be here with me. I miss him so much. I've been calling a friend when I wake up every morning over this past week. It's been helping me to feel a bit better in the mornings. I'm so grateful to have the good friends I've made over the last year. I have places to go and friends to be with, which is what Andre wanted for me. I know he must be happy about this.

I can't share my memories of Andre yet. The memories I know I have are just below the surface. I just can't bear to bring them up to myself or others. I have memory of his presence; of him being with me. Then I have the reality of him being gone...forever. We used to share our memories together. Right now I can't stand that he's not here to share with. I miss his kindness, his love. I miss Andre so much.

A big chunk of me is gone since my husband died. This grief is the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I've always felt I never do enough. That erroneous attitude is what I feel every day, even now. I talked about this with my therapist today. She told me I have done so much! She told me she is sure my husband is looking down on me and is so happy with what I'm doing. My friends tell me the same thing. I'm going to remember their words when I get down on myself. I was writing letters to Andre until just before the one year anniversary of his death on Oct 2. I haven't written up until today. Today I felt I was in more pain than I've ever been in. But reading back over my letters, I can see every day has been as painful as today. I feel I'm not making any progress. My therapist and friends tell me they can see the progress in me. I have to believe this is true. My grief is so painful and I'm so critical of myself that I think I should be further along than I am. Andre isn't going to come back to me. Someday I believe I will go to him. I often ask God to let me die so I can be with my husband again. When I'm asleep I have some peace from my grief. I guess I think death is like sleep. But I know I must live until my time comes. Being with friends and going to my support groups really helps me get through every day. Some day I will feel better when I'm alone. My therapist tells me I'm doing so much to help myself. My friends and family tell me I'm doing a great job. You all tell me this too. Why do I feel I'm not doing enough?

Just to have him with me again here at home...The heartache is overwhelming. To see his loving smile. To look knowingly at each other. To touch his hand. To be together again. He's gone. He's with me - I want to believe that.

I'm having a bad time too. It's beyond sad, isn't it? Often I'm in agony over the loss of my husband a year ago. The tears are streaming down my face. I'm going to my support group in about 20 minutes. I'm grateful my little dog will meet me when I come home. He always tries to make me feel better. He does help me so much. It feels like I will never feel good again, but I know I will. This group helps so much.

A friend end came over today. We sat in the living room and watched TV. I opened the blinds to see our beautiful view. That's how Andre and I sat in our living room. I can't sit in the living room alone. It's just too hard without him there. It's better when my friend is here with me. I can cry and talk with her about my grief; she understands. I'm missing Andre a lot again today. It feels so bad. I feel so alone without him here. I'm crying remembering how it used to be. I ask why he had to die, but I know there's no answer. I ask anyway. I ask God and Andre to help me with this awful grief. I want the pain to end, but I know it won't. The intensity changes, but it never goes away. It's just so hard isn't it?