Kpl48

Marg, I totally understand that running and/or making desperate changes is not the thing to do...ever. I spent a good part of my life running from one thing to another, especially during my younger days. I always thought a new situation was the answer. Today I don't have the energy to run. I'm staying in our small home. I'm thinking of remodeling, but am not up to it. I need to be more consistent about walking my dog, doing housework, and keeping up with paperwork first! Staying here does feel beyond lonely without my Andre. Running would be even lonelier.

I do need a hug. I need to be held and hugged and told I'm going to be alright. This site with all of you helps me so much.

HH, I know what you mean. It is just sad and lonely. There is such a painful void in my life. Losing them is such a tragedy for us. Thankfully we have each other on this site.

Gwenivere, I hate this life too. I'm building a life without Andre because I have no other choice. Each day is something to get through. I push myself to do things, and sometimes I just stay in bed for a couple of days. I numb myself by watching tv and fretfully sleeping. I do just what is necessary to take care of myself and my dog. I cry every day. I want to be with Andre. I miss him so much.

Butch, I hope you will keep sharing. You have helped me a lot. I'll look for you!

WK and HH, you both put words to the agonizing void I feel with my Andre gone. When I'm with others the intensity of my grief fades a little bit. Once I'm alone again, the grief rips my heart out and the void left by Andre's death is more than I can bear. Crying seems to comfort me when I feel such agony. May home and in the car alone is especially bad. I want him to still be here with me. That he isn't hurts so much. I know he's dead and in knowing/accepting this I want to die so we can be together again. This might sound odd, but the fact that no one I know would take my little dog and knowing my dog would be broken hearted without me (as I would be without him), I turn away from death. I know Andre wants me to live a good life and I believe suicide could keep me from reuniting with him. When will this agony lessen. Those that are more years into life without their loved ones, say that they do find peace and are able to build good lives. They never forget their loved ones though. I wish I could do this now! Distractions relieve me of my deep grief. I have a lot of friends now and get out of the house on most days. Today I'm home and will have to push myself to go out. I plan to take Fonzie to the dog park. I feel so all alone without my Andre.

Thank you so much WolfsKat. My ideas and beliefs about my husband and my relationship after his death are like what you described. He will always be with me and I will always be with him. We will be spiritually reunited when I die a natural death. I will do my best to live a good life like he wanted me to do. ?❤️??

Starting the new year has been painful. Going through my husband's death anniversary and the holidays seems to have increased my grief. I intellectually know he can never come back to me as he was, but emotionally and spiritually I can't let him go. My therapist told me my husband is now like a comet crossing into another world and that I'm holding him back by hanging onto the comet's tail! Sobbing, I told her I can't let him go; I want him to stay with me. She told me I must accept he is gone, to which I said that I do, but I can't let him go. Living without him in my life is unbearable; I have to believe he is still with me in order to make it through each day. Her words haunt me. What I need now is understanding and comfort, not separation from my husband. If healing means letting him go, I know I can do that in time. I'm just beginning the second year without him after 23 years together. I'm still mourning and adjusting to the reality that I need to build the good life he wanted me to have. I have to discuss this with her. If she pushes her way of thinking, I may have to find a new therapist. A friend of mine asked me if I felt angry (over my husband's death). I said no, but I'm kind of angry at God for taking my husband away from me. When I told my therapist this, she said God didn't take him...cancer did. My friend told me I might be so distressed because I want someone (other than myself) to take care of me the way my husband did. Maybe I'm like a little brat having a tantrum because I don't want to take responsibility for myself. My therapist has told me this also. My friend goes to this therapist too! I would like my husband to take care of me and I would like to take care of him. He is gone, so I can't do this on a material plane now. I'm now taking full responsibility for myself to the best of my ability. I know I must build a good life. Anyway, all this has been upsetting to me. This way of thinking makes me feel bad. It makes me worry about sharing my grief openly. I need understanding, support and comfort. I find myself trying to hide my grief from others more than usual. I don't want to hurt more than I already do. When I'm alone I'm usually in deep grief. This is when I long for my husband to be with me. I'm reluctant now to reach out to those close to me because I don't want to feel hurt. This is cutting me off from asking for help when I feel so bad. I needed to share about this. I hope you will share your ideas about all of this. I need help!

I have never been able to stay at a job I didn't like or where I was treated badly. Fortunately I've always been able to get by somehow. Janka, if your job is making you ill and causes too much mental stress I hope you can leave it. You will be able to find a job that is good for you my prayers are with you. ????

Thank you for another beautiful poem, Janka.

Heartfelt thanks and gratitude for Marty and her work, and to all of you! This site has saved my life. ?????

Hallowheart and Gwen said: Like Gwen said, everything has become a chore now when before it was a daily routine. i took a shower this morning and am getting ready to go to the grocery store and pharmacy. It's been storming here in California. I live in the desert near Palm Springs, so I have stayed home since Sunday because of the possibility of flash floods. I've also been very very depressed and overcome by my grief for Andre. I just stayed in bed with the TV on. The only comfort was sleep, my little dog (always by my side), and reading all your posts here. I wanted to reach out and call some close friends, but I've been feeling like they've had enough of my tears and talk about how much I miss Andre. They keep coming up with suggestions (solutions) when what I need is to be listened to and comforted. Everything I have to do seems like an insurmountable chore. I try to get through such doings as quickly as I can so I can go back to bed. When I'm out with people I feel better, but the minute I get home I sink back into the grief. Being home and driving in the car are the worst times for me; especially in the morning when I wake up. Most of the time I wish I could just die, except I don't want to abandon my little dog Fonzie. I took my daytime pill for depression and drank some coffee. That's going to help me get out of the house. I have so much to be grateful for: 23 years with my beloved, financial security, a beautiful place to live, of course my little dog, many new friends, my support groups, all of you here in the grief healing group, a chance to live the good life Andre said he wanted me to do...and more. All of your shares keep me going. Through you all I know what I'm feeling and doing is normal. It's all a part of our grief journey. I attached a pic of Fonzie. Hope it goes through!

Time does feel like an enemy. Without my support meetings to go to, I don't feel like getting out of bed. I've been very depressed and haven't been out of bed since Sunday. Haven't showered or brushed my teeth. I just try to sleep so I don't feel the pain of my grief. Each day becomes something to get through. Thank you for this topic, Gwenivere.

I haven't shared in a while but I've been reading all your shares. Your writings mean so much to me and often give me the will to live on. I made a slide show of my Andre on my iPhone. I look at it and cry and cry. It brings up good memories for me. It also reminds me he is gone. I miss him so so much. I know you all truly understand this. During times of intense grief, I sometimes contact friends. I'm seeking comfort, understanding and empathy. Lately the few people I have trusted to share this with have been coming up with psycho babble. They ask me if I'm angry, if I'm angry (like a little brat) because I now have to take care of myself? These responses really hurt because what I'm feeling is grief, agony for the loss of my husband and a deep longing to be with him again. I don't call these people unless I'm desperate. I usually call them to say hi and I listen to them share about their lives. I understand wanting to die to end the pain and maybe to be reunited with the loved one we have lost. I have have the longing for death when I'm alone. My health is good so I would have to commit suicide. I have wished to become so ill that I will die. I'm still getting out almost every day and that brings some relief. I feel exhausted too and spend a couple of days in bed. When I try to do things around my house I start sweating so bad I have to sit in front of a fan, despite the fact that it's cold. Because of this, I pay a friend to help me several hours a week. Doing things around the house reminds me that Andre isn't here anymore. I pray that none of us follows through with the wish to die. I'm grateful we can share about it here without being judged. I do think the wish to die is in hopes of ending the pain, the longing, and the heartache along with the yearning to be with our loved ones again. I believe sharing about it with each other helps us live on like our beloveds want us to do. Thank you all for being there...I'm very grateful.

Janka, bullying is so hurtful. You are such a great person and so thoughtful. The bully must be a very sick minded person to bully someone as wonderful as you. Hoping this stops so you can enjoy your new job.

I don't want to start another new year without my husband. I want to go back to when he was alive and we were together. I know I can't do this because he is really gone. Memories usually make me cry and feel the pain of loss...grief. I still have trouble facing each day. Doing things in the house is the worst. I try to get out to be with others as much as possible. Or I stay in bed with my little dog watching TV. My cousin is coming to stay with me this weekend. I have a friend coming today to help me clean my house. I go to a small group 'Visioning' workshop on Friday and a support group workshop on Saturday. I won't be alone for the beginning of the new year. That's a good thing! I hope we all get through this as best we can. Thank you all for being there!

I'm back from a short vacation I took with my neighbor. I went because I thought going away might help me get through Christmas better. I found out I didn't have much in common with my neighbor, so our conversations and activities were limited. I got through it and I'm home now, back with my little dog! I'm missing Andre a lot. I've been crying on and off all day. I want to be with him, but he's gone. My heart is breaking all over again from the grief. I should call some friends to go out and do something. I just feel so bad. I'm going to rest for awhile and snuggle with my little dog. Then I'll decide what to do.

I am doing many positive and uplifting things in my life. I started going to support groups during the beginning months of my grief. I do service I my groups. I've made good friendships in my groups. Yesterday some of us went to a movie, out to lunch and shopping. Being with friends brings me a lot of joy. Being with my little dog brings me a lot of joy. He stays right with me when I'm home. He's a little character and does many cute things. I love to play with him and take him to the dog park. He's a real friend! Taking care of my house has been a struggle, but when I do it brings me joy. I'm working towards doing a better job of this as time goes on. Looking at the beautiful views from my house and while driving my car gives me joy. Communicating with family gives me joy. I know the joys of living will grow as time goes on. This site is the only place I can read and share about the deepest grief. Grief isn't very joyful for me. My husband told me he wanted me to make friends and have a good life. I'm doing the best that I can. I do feel joy knowing I had 23 years with the man I loved!

I have been worried that I would totally break down in front of others because I do when I'm home alone. If I talk about my husband with others, I usually shed some tears and can't really talk for a few seconds. But I've never totally broken down in public. I think my body and mind go into self protection mode whenever my grief is exposed. Maybe my grief is on such a delicate thread that my being just knows to protect me in public. I'm not repressing or suppressing my feelings; I'm protecting myself. Today has been very sad for me. I can't get started on anything I need to do. I feel so alone without my Andre. I want to be with him, but I know that's impossible. It's been a day of heartache and tears. I'm doing what is necessary. I've been in bed crying on and off all day. Sometimes I don't think I'll make it through, but I always do. I'm so grateful I had Andre I my life for 23 years. Maybe some day the gratitude will overtake the grief.

I actually was feeling better for a few days. I realize now it was because I was busy, out of the house and with friends. Today I'm home all day. I'm tired and I need to tidy up my house and do laundry. Also take my dog to the dog park. But all I can do is stay in bed with my dog and the tv on...missing Andre. My heart aches for him. I want to go back to when he was alive or forward to when I die and I can be with him. I'm frozen in despair today. Some how I'm getting through this grief. It's harder some days. Today it's hard. I just reread many of your shares...I'm not alone.

I'm so sorry for your hurtful funeral experience. We didn't have a funeral for Andre. He was cremated and we kept his ashes. My husband's daughter held a memorial in her home. All of Andre's friends, some of who were with him as he was dying, came. I didn't want to go, but I did. My cousin came with me, which really helped me. We went to my step daughter's home together. It was so beautiful to be with her and Andre's friends. They visited and reminisced. I'll never forget all these people who loved me and Andre. I don't know why I didn't want to go. Maybe I was scared of breaking down (that would have been OK) or just one more reminder that he was dead. Now I remember all the love and caring these special people gave us during his passage and after his death. I sent them all personal Thank You cards about a week after the memorial. I'm very grateful to have this as a memory.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas. I'm going away for three days with my neighbor who is also a widow. She is kinda cheerful (I think she makes herself be that way although she understands that I'm not). It'll be different. I'm sure I'll cry and be lonely for Andre. I can read and write here and call a few friends. Last Christmas I barely remember as it was 3 months after my husband died. My cousin came to my home for a few days which was nice. She's coming in January to start the New Year. How I wish Andre was here. But he isn't. I'm crying now.

Welcome Stephanie. When I found this site I was so grateful to read such honest shares about grief. Reading and sharing here has helped me to know my deep grief is quite normal. Keep on sharing!

Thank you Froggie! Love Kristine

Thank you so much Brad. Your plans for the day help you to get through the day. I'm going to push myself to do some things too. I pray I can do them. Sometimes all that keeps me going is that Andre told me to make lots of friends and to live a good life. I'm doing the best I can. Lately, going out with friends and to my support groups at least puts my attention away from this pain filled grief. I feel I can't go on, but I must.