Kpl48

I'm feeling like I don't have anyone to go to about my grief. I even very depressed since Friday. I've spent three days in bed. I've been sleeping, crying, feeling bad, feeling desperate. I want to die. I won't commit suicide, but I want to die. Its so awful without my husband Andre. I miss him so much. My home is empty without him. My life is nothing without him. I was feeling better last week; maybe because I went out to be with friends almost every day. Then I stayed home on Friday and I've been down ever since. I don't want to be home alone. I don't want to be here without my Andre. Just being with him was so important I my life. We would get up and have coffee and discuss everything and nothing. We spent our days and nights together. We were together all the time. Now when I'm alone I feel such pain. I know I can share this here and you all understand. Reading your shares really helps me so much.

The worst times for me are in the morning and when I'm alone throughout the day. Night is OK because I take medication to help me sleep. Sleep is the best, although I wake up numerous times. It's morning now and I'm crying for my Andre. I'm still in bed and I might stay there all day. Often the posts on this site keep me going. They help me to know I'm not crazy, that grief is deeply painful and that there is hope.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thankfully you have found this site. I've been able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts about my grief over my husband's death one year plus ago. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my 67 years. Don't live through it alone. Looking forward to reading your posts.

I know what Gwenivere means about feeling worse the longer Andre is gone. I'm doing better with the tasks of living. I'm participating in support groups and making good friendships. But when I'm alone the grief is so strong. I miss his presences I much.

Tfer, please keep on reading and sharing. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Here I can share my deepest grief and members understand. The only other place I can share deeply is at my therapists. My friends and family understand that I continue to grieve, but I can't go too deep with what I'm going through. I have one friend and one cousin that I can go deeper with. I'm so grateful that the grief healing group is here.

I like this group because it is nondenominational. Members can share what religion they are, but please don't share the theology. Focusing on the bible for two long paragraphs is not the content I expect to see here. I was very uncomfortable with that share today and was grateful Marty addressed it appropriately. Sharing about our spiritual lives is very helpful; sharing about an individual's religious theology is actually not helpful for me. Reading and sharing in an unbiased way is why our group is such a wonderful support for going through such painful grief. Hoping you all know how much our group has come to mean to me.

Thank you Marty. I also think we need to stay away from religion and politics here.

Please keep on reading and sharing. It really helps. I don't feel alone with my real grief anymore.

I feel as if I'm just surviving each day as it passes. My husband told me to make a lot of friends and to live a good life. I'm doing that because it's what he wanted for me. I've made lots of friends this year. These connections have become important to building the good life he wanted for me. It's when I'm alone that I suffer so. Almost all I seem to do when I'm alone is miss his presence in my life. It hurts so much that he's not here with me. I try to solidly believe he is with me always. If only I could have unshakeable faith. If only that would sooth my pain and comfort me so that I could be alone peacefully. Maybe some day?

Gwenivere, I so understand what you're going through. It's very very painful. Grief stays with me every moment. Sometimes it records a little bit, but it is always there. For some reason I'm not crying this morning. Maybe because I know I'm going out soon. Today is one more day to get through. I hope I feel some happiness today and I hope you do too.

Feeling like I'm going out of my mind with grief has become normal to me. Especially in the morning and when I'm alone. I've shared before that night isn't as bad because I take my pills and go to sleep. In the morning I feel so devastated that Andre is gone. I often try to go back to sleep or stay in bed because I feel so bad. When I go out I usually feel better because I focus on others. I suppose this is also a distraction, but going out helps me to be in the world of life. Today I've felt very sad and immobilized. I have things to do, but I just can't push myself to do stuff today. Tonight I go to a support group meeting with a friend. Tomorrow I'm out most of the day. I've developed new friendships during this last year since my husband died. We used to spend all of our time together, so I didn't have a lot of friends when he died. I've become a better listener and am learning to risk reaching out. I can't share on level we share in the grief healing group because it's just too deep. Thankfully I can read and share here. Really, my goal is to get through each day the best I can. I know you all understand that. In time I might feel some happiness again. I continue to miss my husband. I wish I had enough faith to truly believe my husband is with me. I ask him to help me live on. I do live on each day. It's such an effort to keep on living. I'm tired and worn down. But I keep moving forward because I must.

I'm lonely too. When I'm out at least it distracts me from the deep aching pain of my grief. I rarely go out by myself. When I drive I listen to audio books. At home I have the TV on. I'm afraid of the quiet aloneness. It's so painful. I have my dog who is a great comfort to me. He's small and stays close to me. I'm reluctant to call people although I know that would help me. I have a friend who is not working, so we go out together. Talking with her helps me. I never planned for being a widow. I guess I believed we wouldn't die. Even during the last year of his life, I think I was in some denial. We had a good final year together because he was in hospice. There were no grueling medical treatments. He was able to do things up until his last week. He died at home with family and friends around him. He's gone now and every day I wish I was with him. He told me he wanted me to make lots of friends and to live a good life. I'm doing the best I can. This group is so important to me. We understand each other. We don't try to fix grief. We read and write from our hearts. I'm so grateful you all are part of my life today.

Mornings are the worst time for me. I can't sit in the living room either. I know how you feel. My husband and I spent many hours there. We would have our coffee there in the morning, visit and watch TV. My therapist suggested I call a friend to be with me while I sit in my living room and have coffee every morning. I've been doing this and it does help. This morning I didn't do it. I stayed in bed. I'm crying and missing my husband. I'll try to get up soon. I'm retired. Some days I can't get out of bed. If I don't have a plan to be with a friend, in a support group or at an appointment I just can't find purpose to do anything. I do have some things I could do. It's just so hard being alone because the grief takes hold of me. I still miss Andre so much.

I'm so glad you were led to the nugget. I'll remember your experience of looking for the cord. That kept you from finding the nugget. Thank you for sharing this.

I always feel today's pain from grief is the worst. Lately I've been reminding myself that yesterday's pain felt just as bad. Sometimes I'm able to do more than survive each day. Sometimes I can actually enjoy life. Right now I really miss my husband. It's been over a year, but I'm learning grief has its own time schedule. I can't make it go away. I'm doing the best I can. I'm learning to live one day at a time; sometimes one instant at a time. When I want to die, I hang on because my husband told me he wanted me to live a good life. When I feel the heartache of living without him, I hang on because I remember how good life was with him. When being alone is more than I can bear, I remember we were together for 23 years. My tears can be a big relief when the agony of grief overcomes me. I'll sleep tonight and feel despair in the morning when I remember Andre isn't there with me. I make myself get up on most days. That's why I try to have something scheduled to do most everyday. I try to have a commitment with another person so I will get out of myself. Otherwise I would live in total misery. By doing this I feel some purpose to life through a connection with others. It's difficult to go places we used to go. Today I drove to a shopping center and remembered us being there many times before. I wondered if I should find another shopping center. I'll think about it, but for now it's OK. I'm learning to make our home my home. I have no alternative but to learn to live without him. I have him in my heart and I feel he is with me. Someday soon I will start remembering our life together and that will comfort me most of the time. Right now all I feel is the loss. I know you all understand.

Debbie, I know how you feel. Your words expressed what happens to me. There are times I can get through the grief and there are times it just becomes deeper. It's always with me I some form or another. We just have to keep the process going despite the awful pain. Thank you for writing your feelings to the group

That's the sad truth Gwenivere... I never thought our life together would ever end. Now I often wish my life would end so I could be with Andre. But I must live on. I accept that, but living on an really hurt especially when I'm alone!

My husband and I downsized quite a bit when I retired. About a month ago I was able to get rid of most of our stuff in our 10x10 shed. I let go of stuff that I didn't want my relatives to have to go through. I kept about seven boxes of stuff that still seems important to me. With Andre gone I don't have anyone to remenence with. It's all I my memories now. How I wish he was here with me. I miss him so much.

Thank you Marty. Gwenivere our losses are so painful. I so want to completely believe Andre is here with me in a spiritual way. In the meantime, I've got to keep moving forward the best I can for myself and for Andre. It's just so lonely being alone without him.

I barely cried yesterday. I actually felt pretty good and got things done. This morning I am crying again. That desolate feeling is back again. I go to my support group at noon today. That should help me at least during the time I'm there. Andre and I were always together, even when we were having problems. We loved and supported each other through thick and thin. That was the same for all of you in this group. I read about what you had and I understand. I read about your pain in grief and I understand. I read about how you are trying to cope and live on and I understand. I spend most of my time alone although I reach out everyday. I have to reach out in order to go on living. Connecting with supportive and understanding people keeps me in the world. These people know about my grief and accept my tears. They do listen to my pain and my growth...briefly. That's OK because I know they care. My husband wanted me to make many friends and I've been doing this. My husband wanted me to have a good life and I'm doing this. When I want to die or can't bear being without him, I remember what he wanted/wants for me. I do share deeply with one close friend, my therapist and with you all. When I'm alone I often read and reread all your posts, old and new. I don't feel so desperately alone when I do this. I'm grateful I had the past two days without a lot of tears and deep heartache. I believe I'll have more of these days as time goes by. I'm slowly learning and accepting being by myself...without Andre. He is always in my heart. I will treasure what we had together. Some day our memories will be a comfort and maybe even a joy. I have to believe he is still with me; if only I had unwavering faith that this was absolutely true.

I'm beginning to have memories of our life together. Not many. I think my being cannot handle that level of thought yet. I did have dreams about Andre this morning. They were nice because he came back (in my dreams). Then I'd wake up and feel so bad. I did this several times. As usual it was hard to get up, but I did. Making myself follow a positive morning routine really helps. I still miss him so much and usually cry throughout the day. Thank you all for sharing.

Believing it is all over with no reason or purpose to live on, is totally normal...I'm learning that slowly. I was suicidal and then depressed on top of my grief. My therapist and I discussed the possibility of going into a psych ward it got so bad. Inch by inch I'm living my way through my hopelessness and my fears. I cry every day many times. When I'm alone I sob and sob, and ask why he had to die. There is no answer and nothing I do is going to bring him back to me. He wanted me to build a good life and make a lot of friends. I remember his face and his words when he said this to me. Over the past year I've done this most of the time. Going out, making new friends and taking care of myself has been a huge and painful challenge. There are days that all I can do is stay in bed with my little dog and watch/listen to the TV. Grief does feel like insanity...that's why we need all the understanding, support and help we can get. Keep reading and writing on the group. It helps me to get through the day!

Please keep sharing with us. The pain of grief is too much to bear alone. You can say and read things here that might not be received so lovingly anywhere else. It's been a year since my husband died. My grief doesn't end, but it slowly becoming something I'm learning to live with. Wanting to die is completely normal...I feel that way often. Living on the best we can is what our lost loved ones want from us. My husband told me this before he died. Others might not be able to understand the depth of our grief. If they can just listen and be there without judgment or solutions, I'm grateful. I've learned to be careful about how much of my feelings I share because it can be just too much for some people. Keep on grieving and learning to accept yourself. I hope you can find more grief support in your community - keep searching. Please keep writing to us.

All of your shares express the aspects of grief that make living so hard. I miss Andre every day. I cry every day. My heart aches every day. I don't think I can go on living, but I do...every day. Yesterday I cleaned the living room and bedroom. I had the carpet steam cleaned. When I was disabled for six years, Andre did everything because I couldn't stand or walk for longer than five to thirty minutes at a time. During the year prior to his death, I had knee replacement surgery on both knees. He was able to help me during my recovery periods. The last four months of his life we were able to do things together. I was able to do things for him. He could see that I would be able to take care of myself when he was gone. It hurts so much that he is not here to enjoy a healthy life with me. We had so many things we wanted to do. Now everything I do takes such a big emotional push. I'm doing the things he wanted me to do. I hope he understands that I cry through it all. I am using our living room more during the day. I want to stay in bed, but I don't. I go into my living room on most mornings, open the windows and have my coffee while I talk with a friend on the phone. The commitment to call my friend makes me get up, otherwise I would stay in bed. It was just too lonely and painful to face the morning (or day) without Andre. Talking with a very understanding and supportive friend is helping me. She says it helps her also. I feel so much grief every day. I'm learning to accept that I cry and feel the ache of loss every day. Each day seems worse that the previous day until I remember the pain of yesterday and all the yesterday's since his death. My friends and therapist tell me I've made so much progress. I can't see/feel it, but I have to believe them because I know they care about me. I'm so grateful to have them I my life. I'm also very grateful to have all of you in my life. Your shares help me to know it's normal to feel the way I'm feeling. Our descriptions of our process of grief are so honest and heartfelt. This is the only place that tells it like it is. Maybe it's easier to write about our grief than to talk about it. I don't know. I do know our group means so much to me. I think we keep on sharing because we have to in order to keep on living.

Andre was perfect for me. We had our difficult times, but we were happy and content with each other. I cry all the time when I'm alone at home. When I must do something here I have to really push myself. I do feel better when I get busy. When I'm trying to relax, I start crying again because my husband isn't here with me. I lay on my bed with my dog and watch TV. I feel miserable and want to die to be with Andre. Then I remember that my dog needs me and that I have friends and a new life to live. I try to go out and to connect with friends everyday. Otherwise, my depression would take over my entire life. I take medication for depression monitored by a psychiatrist, and I work with a therapist once a week. I go to my support group meetings about five days a week, and go to a grief group once a week. I'm hoping to take a stained glass class soon. I've decided to have my house cleaned every four to six weeks and my small yard maintained by a helper. When I need help to do my paperwork, I'll pay my friend to assist me. I even find it difficult to do laundry and walk my dog, but I push myself to do these tasks. I hope I will be able to do more myself, but for now all of it reminds me too much that Andre's gone. I have a terrible time doing things alone; Andre and I did everything together. Fortunately, I can afford all the help. I feel bad for being so needy and sad when I'm alone. I have a hard time grasping onto a reason to go on living. As I said above my dog and my friends and my husband's final wishes keep me hanging on. I hope to be able to feel better when I'm alone. I know I need to learn to love and appreciate myself. Others tell me they love and appreciate me. I have a hard time seeing why, but their words do make me feel better. I just hope I'll start thinking so positively about myself. My grief feels worse when I'm by myself. I know it's best to let grief take its course. It's just so so painful, isn't it?