Kpl48

I was feeling a little better. I woke this morning in such grief...desolate total pain. The feeling better is gone. I think that's what happens. I'm trying to just go with it because I have no choice. I went to two support group meetings and spent quality time with two friends today. I am still sobbing and feeling so lost. I don't want to live without my Andre. I know I have to, but I wish I could be with him. I do believe I'll be with him again. It's so hard for me to live this new life. It seems impossible to go on without my dear husband. I hope tomorrow is not as painful as today. I never know...you understand.

Hoping you both are feeling better

I'm so sorry for all of our pain.

I attend a weekly grief group. Grievers can stay in the group as long as they want. Several women in the group had husbands who died several years ago. They were left financially destitute. This created additional problems other than their grief. One of them is getting married to a widower she met in the grief group. She advised me to put my wedding ring on my right hand for some unknown reason! I felt startled and very uncomfortable after she told me this. My wedding band is still on my left hand where I want it to be until I might decide to do differently. For some reason these women rarely talk about missing their husbands. They do talk about how the doctors, hospitals and rehab centers caused big problems. Two of them tried litigation. They do express anger and frustration. One of them shares her memories. Other members lost their older children, their sisters and a mother. We all listen to each other, share our experiences and give loving support to each other. The Grief Healing Discussion Group members share in much deeper ways. Maybe it is easier to share the deep stuff online? I'm grateful to be in both groups. As I've shared before, my worst times are in the mornings and when I'm alone. This mornings sadness was curtailed because I had a support group to go to. After the support group I came home and got back into bed. I was in very bad health for about six years until the year before my husband died. He took care of me, did all the driving, cooked and kept the house clean. I did the bills and paperwork. I couldn't walk well during this time, so we didn't go out much. We lived in our own little world. During the year my husband had left before he died, I had two knee replacement surgeries and reached a healthy weight which got rid of various medical conditions. I was able to walk again. I started driving, cooking, house keeping, and going out more. He got to see that I was going to be able to care for myself. About 6 months after he died, I started being unable to do stuff around the house. Whatever I cooked I couldn't eat. I stopped taking my little dog on walks (he has a dog door open to a nice dog run area so he does get outside). I began staying in my bedroom only when I was home. This has gone on for about six months now. I feel immobilized! I think this might be because I miss him so much. Now I don't seem to be emotionally able to take care of all the things he used to do. Doing these things just reminds me that he is gone for good. A few weeks ago I finally got a professional cleaning service to deep clean my home. I had my dirty clothes cleaned and pressed at the cleaners. I had my small yard area cleaned. Next week I'm having the house cleaners back and a neighbor has agreed to wash my windows and do some other work for a reasonable price. I have a trusted friend I pay to help me with my personal stuff. Thankfully I have the money to get this help for myself. Hopefully I can do more myself as time goes on. Right now I'm in bed watching TV. I cry off and on. I miss my husband so so much. I often want to die thinking that would end this awful pain and that I would be with him again. I know my job is to build a new life. I've made a lot of new friends and I go out every day. If I stay home all day, I'm depressed all day. I want to be able to enjoy and take care of my house. Where I live I have mineral pools and wide open spaces to walk in. In the last 6 months I just don't seem to be able to do much by myself. As I shared, I do get out with people every day and that helps me. It's when I'm home alone that I have such a hard time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died a year ago. I understand how you feel. I miss my husband deeply. I cry often. I feel anguish and despair because he is not here anymore. I do my best to get out and to be with people every day. I'm so grateful for this group. I hope you will keep reading and writing. It really helps!

You give me hope!

I feel such pain and anguish when I'm alone. When I'm interacting with people my intense feelings subside. I pay attention to others rather than to myself. Alone at home the emotions return. I stay in my bedroom and cry. I ask God to help me. I ask my dead husband to help me. I become immobilized. I may have shared this before. I never imagined being without my husband. He's been dead a year. I'm grateful he lived a year from the date of his diagnosed with lung cancer. We had a good final year with each other. I knew life would be hard without him. Thankfully I'm financially OK, but I'm filled with such sadness. I know it's impossible, but I pray to have him come back to me. I feel he is with me in some unknown way. He's helping me to build friendships and a new way of life. With his help I'm doing the best I can. Last week I sorted and threw out a lot of paperwork. This week I bought boxes to pack some photos and knicknacks away - I will pay my friend I trust to help me do this. I'm working towards redecorating my home. I feel redoing my home might help me fit better into this new life. I could be wrong. We had wanted to get a new floor and new paint. I want to replace our easy chairs. I rarely sit in the living room because my husband and I spent so much time in those chairs. I have more I want to do. This will be a slow process...maybe. I know these changes won't take my memories or my grief away. I want to feel better when I'm alone. This will come in time. Sometimes I don't believe it will happen. I miss my husband so much. I'm so aware of that when I'm alone. I do better in the evening and at night. It's 5pm now so I'm beginning to relax. It's helped me so much to share with all of you.

Please be gentle with yourself. Going through grief takes a lot of tears and a lot of courage. I've been crying every day for a year. I have to accept it's part of grief. I hope you get some help with your panic attacks. I'm in therapy with a therapist who is well versed in grief. It helps me a lot. Bless you!

It's been a year since my husband died. I never imagined being without him. I cry every day. The first 6 months I was able to function better. Then I became less functional. I don't cook anymore; I eat prepared foods or eat out. I can't deep clean my house; I pay to have it cleaned. I do drive; I try to go out every day. I try to interact with people as much as possible. Alone I'm no good. Alone I feel unable to live without my Andre. At night I feel more hopeful, but in the morning his absence hits me hard. I wonder why he had to die. There are no real answers to this question. I've built a life in the community I live in; that's what my husband wanted me to do. Maybe some day I'll move, but not now. I don't even know where I would go!

Blessings to you!

Gwenivere, your words describe what happens to me. My sobbing takes place in the morning and goes on and off through out the day until I go out and am with people. I cry in my car to and from my destinations. My life feels so desolate without my husband. He was always there. We are retired so we spent all our time together. I continue to love him to eternity. It's as if half of me is lost. I don't know if I'll ever find my self again.

I know the feeling of just wanting to leave. I go as far as wanting to leave this earth. But I don't. I've built a life where we have lived for the past ten years. Everything reminds me of Andre, especially inside our little house. I've been thinking about redecorating. I don't know if that would help me. Facing the fact Andre is not here is so painful. I know what you mean about facing that your husband isn't there either. We had an RV too. I didn't know how to drive it so I sold it. I live in the California desert near Palm Springs. It gets very very hot here during the summer. We used to take our motorhome to the beach area of San Diego for two to three months to beat the heat. This summer was my first summer in the desert without my husband. I pray our pain diminishes. People share here that it does. Every morning is like torture for me. I go out most every day and that helps me. My little dog is a great comfort. This group helps a lot. Some how we will all get through this.

Every morning since my husband died, my grief is so painful. I listen to the tv and try to sleep to dull my thoughts about Andre. I feel so empty and distressed. The day ahead is just another pain filled 24 hours that I live through some how. I feel like I can't go on like this. I cry most of the time. I feel so alone when I'm by myself. All I want is to have Andre back with me. I know this is physically impossible. He is dead. I ask Andre and God to help me. When I go out to be with friends I'm able to tuck the acute pain away. In the evening and at night I feel better; more hopeful. But morning always comes with its awful grief. Reading all your shares, I can so identify with your struggles to go through this grief. I'm so grateful I found this group. You are all so honest about your feelings. When I read your shares, I know there is hope for me. A friend is coming over to work with me for a few hours today. We will go through the last of the paper work in my house and through some stuff stored in my closets. I know I'll come up on things that will remove of my husband. I couldn't do this on my own at this time, but I want to clear out and organize my home. I trust her to go through this with me. I'm able to pay her for this help. And boy, do I need help! Of course we still have our friendship time together too. I read in another share that Butch is doing OK now. My prayers continue to go out to him and his family. And my prayers and love go out to all of you.

Andre was always there. We were together all the time. We had a last year together after he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I went through two knee replacement surgeries during that time. He helped me recover from both surgeries. Andre was able to do most everything until the last two weeks of his life. He only declined the last few days of his life. We were very fortunate. I miss Andre so much. I cry most of the time. My personal life almost has no meaning. I push myself to go out and be with people. Otherwise I think I would go mad all by myself. When I'm alone the pain of losing him overwhelms me. It's his presence that I miss so much. I want to believe his spirit is with me. I want to focus on our memories. My despair gets in the way. Thank you all for being there. I know you understand.

I I had a friend with me during the day yesterday. We sorted through a lot of paperwork and took my car for maintenence. Then we went to my mineral pools. I even opened my blinds in the living room. This morning my grief is back as usual. I'm crying and missing Andre so much. I'm going to my support group this morning which always makes me feel better. But I know I'll come home and cry again.

I've been told and I've read that the pain of grief lessens with time. My husband and I spent most of our time alone together, especially the last ten years. We enjoyed each others company. He told me to get out and make friends. I started doing this about two months before he died. He could see I was not going to isolate myself. During this past year without him, I've made sure I get out of the house almost every day. I go to support group meetings. I go to lunch with friends several times a week. I email my online grief groups. I grocery shop, go to movies and try to be around other people. Its when I'm alone that the painful grief overtakes me. I can't sit in the living room because that's where my husband and I spent so much time. I rarely open the blinds to see my beautiful view. I almost never sit on my small deck. I can barely sit in my office area to keep up with paperwork. I stay in my bedroom watching tv, reading, crying, eating meals...waiting for time to pass until I can fall asleep. My dog gives me great comfort as he stays by my side all the time. Mornings are very painful. I'm able to break out of the pain in order to go out. Sometimes my friend comes over and we go to the mineral pools in the resort where I live. About two weeks ago I had professional cleaners in to deep clean my house. I'm going to have them return regularly. I'm going to get my carpet and windows cleaned, as well as my small yard cleaned up. I plan to have my yard and driveway cleaned weekly. I'm paying a friend to help me go through papers and declutter. Eventually I'd like to redecorate inside and out. These things make me hopeful about living in my home without my husband. Slowly but surely I'm getting there.

My prayers to Butch and his family.

It's morning again. I'm having coffee in bed again. The grief runs through me again. I'm so lonely for Andre again. Every morning is so painful. I can't seem to push through it to change the awful pattern I'm in. Tomorrow morning I have to take my car in for maintenence. Andre used to do this. I've done it a couple of times since his death. I'm going to try to catch up on my paperwork this afternoon. I'm going to my support group and out to lunch with a friend at noon today. Getting out helps relieve the grief.

We are all suffering with our grief. I don't have much of an appetite for food. Today I made myself go eat at a local restaurant. Tonight at my grief group they have dinner and a desert. After grief group I go grocery shopping. I usually get prepared foods. My husband did all the cooking, so cooking and eating it afterwards is very difficult for me. My therapist wants me to eat more than one or two healthy meals a day. I'm trying to do that. In the mornings I feel like I'm clawing my way out of a pit of despair. I may have shared this before. I finally get up and bring my coffee back to bed. I have my tv on for noise and my little dog at my side. I've started reading my meditations again. Then I become immobilized and stay in bed crying. I schedule myself to go out every day. Waiting to go out and returning home, I become immobilized again. I think it's my depression and grief that causes this. My therapist wants me to talk to my psychiatrist about this in case I need another or more medication for depression. I want to do more like walk, go to water aerobics, tackle my paper work. I try to push myself to do things. I can't seem to more than what I'm doing. I'm disappointed in myself. That adds to my depression and grief. I cry everyday, through out the day. I'm so lonely for Andre. I think of things I wish I'd done while he was alive. I'm trying to think of what I did do, the good memories. I'm just rambling on. I know you all understand. Your sharing here is so helpful to me. Thank you so much.

It's helpful to know the pain lessens. Others have told me this. It's hard to believe because my pain is so persistent. Every morning I wake up with pain that runs all through me. It immobilizes me. I get my coffee and return to bed. I listen to tv for the noise, and I read my daily meditations. Then I look for emails, especially from my grief groups. During and after this time I cry. I call out to Andre and God. My dog lays by my side. I talk myself into living yet another day without by beloved Andre. Sometimes I wonder if I'm crying because I'm alone. Sometimes crying is all I seem to do. Usually all I can do in a day is to go out to my support group meetings, to appointments or shopping. My husband and I used to sit in the living room drinking out morning coffee and looking out at the view. I don't do that anymore. It's just too hard. I did it when he first died, but not now. How I wish he was here! I want to believe it gets less painful with time. I feel I can't make it through today, but I know I will...one moment at a time.

Sending many prayers.

I totally relate. He was the biggest part of my life. Andre did all the deep cleaning. I can keep the house neat, but I can't bring myself to do the deep cleaning. So I had professionals come last week and they did a great job. I'm going to have them come every three weeks. I don't have much food in the house. I don't eat a lot of his favorites so my shopping list is much shorter. I don't have much of an appetite anymore, but I know I must eat. Cooking reminds me too much of him. When I cook, I can't eat it! So I get prepared foods to eat in, or I eat out. Almost everything in my life reminds me he is gone. Instead of building a new life, this new life is tearing me apart. Things have to change; it's the only hope I have. I pray I can learn to live the way he wanted me to.

The pain is indescribable! It's agony. That's what's so helpful about this group. There are times when I feel I just can't make it through, but I read a share and come to know others are experiencing the same levels of grief. I hate that we are all feeling this way, but at least I'm not alone. Most of the time I feel as if I'm just surviving the hours until I go to sleep again. Then I wake up to overwhelming pain. I push myself to connect with others and that does help. If only I could accept that he will always be with me as I build the new life he wanted me to have. He told me to have a good life - that's what he wanted for me. I don't know how to do it without him! My therapist and support group friends tell me I'm doing a good job of grieving, and that the pain and side effects are part of it. When I remember to focus on the present, one step at a time, I'm almost at peace for a moment I'm so grateful we have each other Kristine

Thank you so much for understanding and sharing. It's almost impossible to describe the pain, isn't it? I'm sorry we both had such terrible losses. People I trust tell me the grief never goes away, but the constant pain does decrease. I've been helped to feel the grief, rather than numbing it out. It's just so horribly painful. Much Love Kristine

Every new day seems worse than the last. When I go out to my support group meetings, my intense grief subsides. When I'm alone, the grief takes hold again. It's been a year now. I want this awful pain to end. I get stuck in the pain. I want my husband. He's gone. We spent all of our free time together for 23 years. All I think about is how much I miss him. When I'm in this kind of pain I think I can describe it. I need to get it out. As I write I realize I can't really describe how tortured I feel. My chest tightens up, my stomach turns, my muscles tense, my face contorts. I cry, I call out for him, I call out for God. I look at his pictures. I can almost see him again. But he's gone. I feel so alone. I need to get past this. It hurts too much. Kristine