TerriL

Well, I don't know how "appropriate" the Cheshire Cat is for the forum, but if it's any consolation, it made me smile when I saw him. I love the Cheshire Cat! I remember Movin' On, too---it makes me think of that song, Convoy. And I'm raising my hand as another Smoky and the Bandit fan. I watch that movie whenever it comes on a REAL movie channel, were they don't cut and edit and censor it. Paul and I used to watch that movie together, too. Eastbound and Down is one of my favorite songs, too. It's been 7 months now and I haven't gone through anything of Paul's yet. I have gone through a lot of my own stuff though. The Vietnam Veterans of America picked up several boxes just the other day. Books, old clothes, shoes. I had a ton of papers from back in October that had listings for homes that Paul and I were going to look at. I went through them all and threw most away. Paul's stuff still sits where he left it the day we saw the eye doctor in Miami and he suffered the final stroke. It isn't like I sit and stare at these things all day long. Sometimes, I hardly notice them as I go about my daily existence. I'm used to them being there and they aren't in the way. Oh, while I'm thinking about it----one of the things that has hurt the most is when I've finally drummed up the courage to take care of something like canceling Paul's SiriusXM radio in his truck or deactivating his cell phone. It takes all my strength to call and do this and they claim they will take care of everything. Then, the next month, here comes a bill for the service I canceled a month ago! Now, I have to muster up my strength to not only cancel it again, but tell them I'm refusing to pay their bill and they'd better credit me. Why do they put you through that? Why can't people just do their jobs and spare you the agony?

The day I had to go pick up Paul's ashes and death certificates was beyond difficult. I had been dreading it. My goddaughter, who had flown down to stay with me for several days after he died, went with me and she's the one who carried his urn out to the car. I was fighting the tears as I watched her. All I could think of was how many times Paul had carried her in his arms or on his shoulders when she was a little girl and now, here she was, carrying him in her arms, back home for the last time. The funeral home people were trying to tell me about how they gave me so many copies of the death certificate so I could take care of legal matters and all this, but once you see the urn and have those papers in your hands, anything else they're saying sounds like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons on TV: "Wah, wah, wah....wah, wah..." This is why, if it's at all possible, you need to take someone with you in these situations. You need someone who will hear everything that's being said and remember it for you, because it feels like you're walking through a dream state. Or, more appropriately, a nightmare state. Dawn, the only help I can give you is to let you know that your anger is normal, especially under the circumstances. I was angry at the Universe in the first months after Paul passed away. I was in shock, I was having trouble processing it all due to Paul's passing being so sudden and totally unexpected. It was overwhelming. I lashed out at people who I felt were disrespecting Paul or me, as his wife. Some people who may have meant well got caught in my crossfire. I apologized to anyone who did and some have forgiven me, some I haven't heard from again. That's life. It also tells me who was genuinely thinking about Paul and me and who wasn't. Obviously, some people were more concerned with their own egos. Each grief experience is different. Some people will have lots of help and others, like myself, will find themselves pretty much going it all alone. For the most part, anyway. I've had the occasional help here and there from a few family members and good friends. I wish I could tell you there was a magic pill you could take to make the anger and grief go away, but there isn't. I felt worse by the third month after my husband died than I did at the very beginning. That's when I got scared, began searching for online forums and landed here. The help I received was in the form of being surrounded by others going through the same thing. They understood me and I didn't have to apologize or explain myself, as I was always having to do with family and friends who were totally clueless and just thought I needed to "move forward" and "get things done". That kind of attitude will leave you feeling more alone than ever. Here, you can express yourself openly, knowing people will listen and empathize with you. If you want specific help for a specific legal problem, the only advice I can give is to maybe start your own thread with the topic of "Legal Help Needed" or "Seeking Legal Advice". That may attract people on here who have experience or knowledge of that sort of thing. If you feel you need actual therapy for anxiety, then you may want to look for a free support or counseling group at your church or hospital. Some clergy counsel their parishioners and you said you recently discovered a church not far from you. Maybe they could offer you some one on one help if you feel you need more than just an online forum. You should also read some of the articles and resources provided on this site to help you understand your feelings better. I honestly feel for you because, of course, I KNOW that pain and anger where you want to just scream and rip things apart. But, as Gwen had said, you need to be more specific as to exactly what sort of help you're expecting.

Ana, I'm so sorry you didn't get the marriage of your dreams with the man of your dreams. But, as you said, you WERE connected to each other. The only thing you didn't have was a piece of paper saying that. It doesn't change what you DID have. Paul and I dated for a year and then moved in together and lived that way for nine years before we finally married in 1992. I felt like we were married long before we actually did it for real. It's how you feel about each other that makes it a marriage. I'm really wrestling with the whole wedding situation. How do you convey to two happy, excited 27 year olds with their whole futures still ahead of them that the event I've dreamed of attending since she was a little girl would, on one hand, be one of the happiest moments I've witnessed and yet, on the other hand, trigger so much pain and grief. What I don't want is for my grief to RUIN her big day! How embarrassing would it be for me if I suddenly burst into tears or had to leave the room? I have a feeling she may want me to sit with her family, because she considers Paul and me her second set of parents. How do I ask if I may please sit in the back row so if I'm feeling upset, I can quietly slip out to get fresh air? Oh, wait. The ceremony itself is going to be outside and the reception is indoors. So, I'd have to slip INSIDE to get stale air. Haha! All I can hope for is that I'll feel better as the event draws closer so that maybe my perspective will have shifted a bit.

It has to be so rough when you lose so much more than just your loved one all at once. I can't even imagine what that is like. I feel very lucky to have our home still, even if I'm constantly hit with "reminders" and memories. Memories of Paul are all I have now, so I try to focus on the good ones.

Marg, I love your description of your teen years! It sounds like you had so much fun! My friends and I used to take the bus to the beach all the time. The beach is where we'd mostly hang out or the mall. (Actually, the beach is where they are also holding the reunion!) Most of us lived in a small suburban development that was on the outskirts of the larger city, so we had many people come and go. But, I've stayed in touch with a core group of friends from those days. Part of me wants to go just to revisit with many of the kids I attended classes with from elementary school on up, but not many are widowed yet. There are a few who are divorced, but in my present crowd, I think I'm one of the few widows. There may be one other woman who unfortunately was widowed at a young age, but that's about it. We have had friends who have passed already and that was upsetting enough. I'm still considering maybe going, The event isn't cheap to attend for one night, but I can always crash it! Haha! Please don't knock the RV! Paul and I talked once about buying one and traveling around rtes country in it. Of course, it came down to the issue: what are we going to do with the four cats who don't get along? So, we nixed the idea. There have been many moments since Paul's passing that I would have loved to just sell everything, buy myself an Airstream and hit the road. Run away. But, again---I still have the same four cats. Hugs right back to you!

Ana, you brought up a situation that has been gnawing away at me but I've been reluctant to talk about it. I'm afraid of being thought of as "selfish". I think I mentioned how Paul and I helped to raise our goddaughter---she's turned out to be the most amazing, happy young woman. Well, she and her fiancé are getting married in April of next year. They want very much for me to attend, but I am so frightened to go. It isn't that I don't love them both to the moon and back, because I do. It isn't that I'm not happy for them with all my heart, because I am. It's the simple fact that Paul should be there, too. He should dance with her at her reception. I can't just skip the ceremony and attend the reception because they're marrying at a location farther away from where I live and they want to hire a limo to pick me up and drive me home (along with her biological parents who also live nearby). Once there, I'll be "stuck", with no escape from all the "love" and "forever afters" and their families wanting me to feel "cheerful". It's still rather far away, but it's been eating at me. I don't know where I'll be "emotionally" by next April, I don't know how I'll feel then. At this moment however, I can't bear the thought of having to sit and watch someone get married, remembering that moment when Paul and I looked into each other's eyes and said "I do". 'Til death parted us.

I can't really "Like" this without feeling weird. It's such a shame that you bust your behind for so many years and get treated like that in this world. I said the same thing to Paul when he was contemplating retirement a little earlier than he had originally planned. The bureaucratic nonsense that was going on at the time was getting too aggravating for him to bear, but he kept saying how we'd have more money if he could stick it out. I said to him exactly what you brought up, "At what COST? Your health and mental well-being isn't worth giving up for a little extra money." So, he retired in 2007 and had at least a little over 8 years retirement. In hindsight, I'm glad I helped persuade him to leave earlier. I have to disagree with you about one thing though. Billy was NOT the only "smart one"! You don't give yourself enough credit for being incredibly smart and wise, too!

Oh, that's okay....a few years back, 2013, when Paul's dad was in the hospital with a serious illness (his dad passed shortly thereafter), his brother called from the hospital on the dad's cel phone. I picked up the phone and all I said was "Hello?" and my BIL called me by my husband's first wife's name. This is a woman Paul had not been with in over three decades and I had taken these people around and entertained them, cooked for them, cleaned up after them when they would visit us from up North. I was stunned for a moment and then just said, "WHO?" and he got all flustered and muttered "sorry, sorry". I would have said "Wrong number" and hung up on him, except I knew Paul's dad was in serious condition and instead, I just shoved the phone receiver at Paul and told him what his brother had said. He didn't say anything to this brother, which was probably part of the problem. Paul never wanted to start conflicts or anything and I was the one who would stand up to them. That's probably why they didn't care for me so much. They could take advantage of my sweet husband, but not me. I sound like a hard-tail, don't I? HAHA!! Seriously, I just feel that no matter who it is, relationships should be reciprocal. Not one of his family members, not even his own mother, called him on his 40th birthday---they never called him on any of his birthdays or Christmases, etc. But, they always knew the phone number when they were coming down and needed a free place to stay with free food, alcohol, chaffeur service, etc. I got tired of being treated like the front desk person/maid service. If they didn't get their way, you could expect them to begin making trouble or making snarky, nasty little remarks, disguised as humor. You know the kind---"We're going to have to get Paul a new girlfriend! Yuk, yuk!" Yes, that was actually said to me, too, before Paul and I were married and they were trying to pressure us into moving to where they lived. I simply stated that Paul's work was where WE lived and I didn't really have any desire to move. So, I don't think I need to add that I'm not particularly close to any of them and I feel I did my part by notifying them of Paul's passing. And that's all there is to that. As far as socializing, I haven't been up to it. I turned down holiday dinner invitations from my sister shortly after Paul had passed last year. She kept trying to "reason" with me that I needed to get out of the house, but she just didn't understand. I did recently make an exception and attended my niece's baby shower (and had a nice time, although there were a few moments I needed to go off alone to "collect" myself). When she was pregnant with her little boy, (who is now 5 and truly does give me some of that spark back when I play and run around with him), she didn't live down here and I didn't get to attend her first baby shower. So, I wanted to be there for her this time around in order to celebrate the pending arrival of her second child (it's a girl this time!). I will admit that I'm very excited about the new baby. It's like that Lion King thing with the Circle of Life and all that. My niece conceived two days after Paul passed, which I found surreal. When the baby arrives, I know I'll experience the bittersweet mixture of happiness and pain. On the other hand, I suppose my niece will, too. Although I've never done it myself, I'm sure giving birth is always a mix of happiness and pain. Haha! I've had friends who are encouraging me to attend my 40th high school reunion this July, but I'm not sure yet whether I can manage that. When the reunion plans were initially brought up last summer, Paul was still alive and I thought that when they had some plans in place, maybe Paul and I would attend together, since I still live in my hometown where it's being held. Obviously, now it's just me. I do have a special tribe of friends---three girls with whom I'm especially close, but who all live out of state---and they want to still see me even if I don't go to the actual event itself, so that will be something to look forward to. They are the ones who have been there for me through it all. I just wished they lived closer to me or I to them. Mitch, that poem was PERFECT! If I was getting on Facebook right now, which I haven't done in months---haha!---I'd post that right on my wall. I'll bet we have all gone through what she writes about.

I have no doubt, as well, that Mark is proud of you and is watching over you more than you even realize. I feel that Paul has done the same for me. I think our husbands would have been good friends; they sound so similar. What gets me most is that Paul used to help the man at the end of our block all the time. This man owns hundreds of tools, yet knows nothing about how to actually use them. Since Paul's death, this man has not even offered to so much as wash and wax Paul's truck or my car, something he's always doing for people he's trying to impress at his church. All the things Paul did for him for free and not one offer of help. Those are the things that cut deep into me. It's hard to see and hear about others' normal lives continuing on. It only reminds us all over again what we no longer have. I'm glad Mark's brother at least helps with the lawn. I haven't even heard from my husband's brother and sister in law since I initially called after Paul passed. When I told his brother it was "Terri" his response was "Terri who?" I've only been with his brother 34 years. Try to do the right thing and that's what you get. Oh well, I did right by Paul and that's all that mattered.

Dawn, you really are dealing with such a huge amount on your plate right now. My heart goes out to you. With any luck, somewhere at some point I'll see an opportunity for myself. Everything I had planned for the future was just like everything for the past 34 years---it always had Paul being right by my side. I haven't been able to see myself anywhere or doing anything without him. I appreciate that you cared enough to share your experiences in order to help me. That's what this forum is all about really.

Maryann, my situation was similar. Paul had the car and truck in his name and the deed to our home was only in his name,as well. We had spoken many times about needing to go and get my name also placed on there, but of course, we procrastinated too long. Do you have the homestead in your name? When there are no children, also the same for Paul and me, and there is no will, the spouse inherits everything, at least in my state. You'd need to check the probate statutes in your state of residence. But, you do need to file for Homestead so you will save on the property taxes. You and I have commiserated before about how our guys were so handy and now, so much lies around in need of repair. It's a constant reminder of our loss. I will say that my brother in law apologized to me for how he had been treating me since Paul died and he did come over to fix the light in my utility room. I had been doing laundry for weeks in half darkness because i couldn't get the fluorescent bulbs in the fixture correctly. I now have light! So, I was appreciative of that. But, you're right. My surroundings are the same as always, but without my husband, the heart and soul of the place has vanished. I still have a hard time saying "my money" or "my house". I still want everything to be "ours". I want there to BE an "ours", as a couple. I'm grateful for having a home, I truly am, but as you said, it isn't the same.

Marg, you're so right. I know I also feel as if Paul was misdiagnosed and time was wasted in getting him to a hospital, where his life might have been saved. That retina specialist automatically jumped to the conclusion of "temporal arteritis" instead of considering the other possibility that my husband had had a small stroke, which had robbed him of the vision in his good eye (which was the correct diagnosis). We wasted an entire extra day because the doctor sent my husband to another eye doctor in Miami, of all places. I considered hiring a lawyer to sue for medical negligence, but then realized that I'd only be putting myself through more hell, it wouldn't bring Paul back and the fact of the matter is, I had wanted to take Paul to the ER two days before, when he woke up with the loss of vision and I couldn't convince him to go. I have no way of knowing now whether or not it would have prevented the second, major stroke that finally caused his death and no way of knowing whether his eye sight could have been restored to him. It's like the fork in the road. You have to make the choice in the moment and you never get to know what the other road would have been like. And you think relatives can be bad? Years ago, I had a neighbor who would ingratiate herself to elderly people who were lonely and didn't see much of their own families. One elderly woman on our street never had kids and she would take this woman places with her kids in tow and had the kids calling the elderly woman "Grandma". OMG...I'm shaking my head just remembering all this. Well, the woman eventually passed away. It was about five months later and I get a call one evening from the neighbor. She's griping to me because when the will was read, there was nothing left to HER. She thought the family members were holding out on her. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing and just told her that she should be happy with the things the woman bought for her and her children while she was still alive and enjoy her "memories", (even if they WERE a means to an end). Oh and I also added that you should only do things for people because you want to and not because you expect something in return. That way, you will never be disappointed.

The only reason I might not comment if someone is talking a legal issue (especially one of a very serious nature) is only due to my not having had any personal experience with it myself. I would never offer advice of any sort if I have no clue what I'm talking about. That could actually hurt rather than help someone and that isn't my intention. After the months of experience I've had on this forum now, I honestly do not believe that anyone would deliberately "add fuel" to anyone's "fire". We're all in the same boat here, even if our particular circumstances are not all the same. None of us wants to be here. We all wish we were back with our husbands and wives, alive and well, living our everyday, normal existences. I don't need fancy trips, I don't need expensive jewelry----what would make me happiest in the world right now is a simple trip to the grocery store with Paul. Talk about winning the lottery. That would make me feel like a billionaire. Dawn, I will hold on to the dream of someday finding another place to live. Thank you for the encouragement. It's only been 7 months since my husband passed away and I need to make sure my finances would be able to support me in a new location. That's my main hesitation making any decisions too quickly. As everyone has said, right now, I don't even know who I am anymore or what kind of future I can see for myself. I don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. One of my favorite shows is Outlander. It's my escape from my every day existence. Paul was still alive when the first season aired. They re-aired the first season not long after his death and for the first time, I heard the theme song in a whole new light. That song feels personal now. "Sing me a song of a lass that is gone, say could that lass be I..." And it is. The woman I was before he died is no longer the woman I am now. The hard part is the friends or family who expect me to still be the same. It's like putting on a performance and it's uncomfortable.

I saw the woman across the street from me this morning while I was out picking up loose branches in the yard (we're due to get some really heavy storms blowing through later, with high wind gusts). Her husband just passed away at home a little over a week ago. I walked over to her and just held my arms out to hug her (she speaks very little English and I speak very little Spanish). As we were hugging, I told her how sorry I was and she was crying. She told me in broken English that he went very quickly and just closed his eyes and "slept". I made sure to ask if she was eating and (hopefully) explained that I completely understood what she was going through. She was so kind and generously kept thanking me for "helping" her. I don't know that I really did that, but it's funny how language barriers can be overcome when we share the same feelings. I swing back and forth on whether or not I want to stay here or move. For now, with a house that's paid off, I'm sure I'm better off staying put. But, with everything that's been happening with this city that my husband worked for for over 26 years and what they are attempting to do to the retirees and their widows financially, I'm not sure I feel all that safe here any longer. I feel as if I should make a goal to move at some point down this road. The new place would have to meet all my criteria though and I'm not sure if such a place really exists! Haha! Oh well, one step at a time.

I'm sorry I haven't been on here. There's been stuff going on this past week---trying to figure out some place I can safely roll over my retirement funds so I'm not caught off guard and also had a headache the other day (tension, no doubt). Happy birthday to your mom, Marg! I love that picture of her. My mom was also a great seamstress. She could cook and bake like nobody's business, too. I was amazed at how much your father sounds like my late dad! My father had a gift where he could pick up any type of musical instrument and begin playing it. He also was an excellent "whistler". I'm musically inclined---I used to dance and I learned some piano---but I never had that ability to just pick up something and play it by ear. My whistling also leaves a lot to be desired. I cannot do it! It comes out like the wind howling outside during a hurricane. HAHA! It saddens me to see their generation leaving us. I've never smoked anything a day in my life and I can't believe the price for a carton of cigarettes! Are you kidding me? How can people afford to keep smoking? Geez!! My father used to always need his cigarettes, even when he didn't have many finances left. I honestly believe he would have forfeited food to make sure he had those cigs. My husband and I used to give him money from time to time for food and we'd also cook things for him and bring it over for his dinner, with enough so he'd have leftovers for the next day.

You're all so right---we all have our doubts and theories about what should/could have been done differently to save our loved ones or prolong their lives. I had so much anger in the immediate aftermath of Paul's death. I was angry at the retina specialist (also an MD, of course) who, in my opinion, handled Paul's loss of vision in far too casual a manner. Paul was still in otherwise good condition at that point and I feel the doctor should have sent him directly to the ER of a hospital, instead of wasting another full day to send him to yet another eye specialist in Miami. It had already been determined through a series of tests that the problem was NOT with Paul's eye. But, the person with whom I was angriest of all was ME. Two days before he was able to see the specialist---the day he woke up with the vision gone in his only good eye---every instinct in me was screaming that he needed to go to an ER. That maybe, just possibly, it was NOT the eye, but the blood vessels within his head. I didn't want to scare him, but the thought of it being a small stroke did cross my mind. Paul kept saying it would be a waste of time and they'd just send him home, telling him to call his eye doctor. Yes, he had eye treatments done on that eye just a month before, so that threw us off. Paul felt I was overreacting, but if his doctor had told him to go straight to the ER, I have no doubt he would have obeyed his orders. I try not to replay all that in my head, because there is no use now. It won't undo anything or bring him back. Some days I'm more successful at keeping it in check than others. My initial desire to sue that doctor who wasted another day, resulting in Paul having that final major stroke, waned with the thought that it would only result in more stress on me. I'd have to find a lawyer, blah, blah, etc. I mean, if it had been gross medical negligence or malpractice, I may have decided to pursue it. I have no doubt, however, that I would be questioned, as well, by the defense attorney. They'd want to know why, if I felt something should have been done, I didn't speak up and insist my husband go to the ER. You know, they aren't going to lie down and make it easy for you, unless they KNOW they majorly screwed up. Under those circumstances, they may settle to get it over with. With my special 20/20 hindsight, in my imagination, I can go back and do everything just right and Paul's life is saved. If only... Karen, I was not aware that you had lost both your husband and your daughter. My heart goes out to you.

When you mentioned bingo, Marg, it made me think of something else a cousin of mine had suggested. She lost her sister (another of my cousins) in January of 2015. She and her husband belong to a church and the members there are very much like extended family. She attended a grief support group there at the church and she suggested that maybe I could find a group in a church around here. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate anything of that sort in the churches near to me. One church mentioned a special counselor, but I believe she was for the members if the congregation only. I never did call, to be honest, I read it online, so maybe I'm wrong. I just got that impression. But, it's something else to consider if you don't have the financial resources to pay for help. With me, this group right here has helped. As I stated to everyone before---but Dawn wasn't here yet---I have a hard time making appointments to "talk", so therapy can be difficult for me. I can only talk freely when I'm in the right frame of mind and you can't pencil that into a schedule. Marg, if you change your mind and decide to try the bingo, I hope you win enough money to pay for all the paint you had to buy.

I can only imagine how hard it is dealing with your grief when you are also dealing with another person's issues at the same time. This time should be about you and about your healing. Cookie, I do know a few people who were on Lexapro. You'd have to ask your doctor about it though because I have never taken it myself so I can't tell you how it affects your mind and body. Those things can affect everyone differently anyway. Marg, my Paul passed on October 15, two days before your Billy. My father passed on October 29, 2002, which also happens to be the day before my birthday. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, but I'm with you now. Maybe we should tear that month out of all future calendars. Does that mean I'd stay the same age? If you decide to head for that seedy Texas hotel, let me know. Maybe we can get a Thelma and Louise thing going on, minus the driving off the cliff part, of course! Dawn Marie, it sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. I have no expertise nor experience in any of the areas you mentioned, but finding a good, free grief support group, maybe through a funeral home, would help you. There are free legal services, too, who help those without money. By the way, you don't have to use the funeral homes' services in order to join the support groups. You could also see if the hospice services in your area offer grief support. I do wish you good luck in what you are going through.

Dawn Marie, I was pretty much in the same boat as you (my husband Paul passed away suddenly last October) and can honestly say that finding this forum was a godsend for me. There are times on here where I have a lot to say and times where I'm not up to "talking" and just read the posts. No matter how I'm feeling, everything people write resonates with me. What you wrote, Dawn, resonated with me. I, too, have gone through the aftermath of Paul's passing ALONE, with very little help. I've had some help, but it's sporadic at best. I've had an anxiety disorder for most of my life and was diagnosed with Crohn's a few years ago, so that has complicated my situation. Grief isn't the only thing assaulting me physically and mentally---I have a three-in-one thing going on here. I also made many mistakes in the decisions I was making, especially early on, but I realized, thanks to the great people on this forum, that I was not alone in that either. This group HAS helped me! I don't quite remember now how I came upon it, other than I knew I needed REAL support, where I wouldn't be criticized, judged or flamed, and something about this group drew me to it. That was one of the GOOD decisions I made. I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma that you've had to endure. I'm sorry that you have to be a part of this group, the same way I'm sorry for ALL of us who are here. But, since you are here, allow it to help you in whatever way that may be for you. You couldn't be in a safer place with more wonderful people. I was embraced into the fold of the worst "club" imaginable, but I have found peace, understanding and even humor---believe it or not---here. You'll know when/if you're ready to finally open up. Only you can make that decision. No one else. But, we're always here to "listen" whenever you ARE ready. Listen to Maryann (Froggie) and take care of yourself. Make YOU the number one priority right now. That's a great place to start.

Well, Kay, you could always ask Arlie to move over and join him for dinner! ? I have also been trying to do some of the yard work. I think being outside in the fresh air is probably better for us. I love that you make your dog food and hummingbird nectar! I wish we had hummingbirds down here but I have never seen any. Just one of those moths that look like a hummingbird----honestly, it had me fooled! Haha! I just think you all are such great people and I wish it wasn't the worst thing in our lives bringing us together like this.

Yep, I was rambling. "How" I can move forward with that. Oh, man.

I've always had a near photographic memory, but since losing Paul, there are times when something I was thinking about minutes before disappears right out of my head. I forget what I was going to do, say, the word I was going to use, etc. Marg, for goodness' sake, you are not only going through the enormous stress of losing your love of 54 years, you are also dealing with your mom's dementia, fixing your longtime home up to sell, moving----wow, all of those things in and of themselves are unbelievably stressful. But together? All at once? If you didn't have any lapses in your memory, THAT would be unusual! It seems that every time I come on here, I see another post that sounds like something I have experienced and was worried about. I'm constantly being reminded that these are situations we are all experiencing together. I also began having a strange feeling that maybe I was losing my mind and Paul was still really here, but I was having some sort of delusion that he had suddenly passed away. It didn't feel real. I couldn't believe that he was really gone and that I'd never see or hear him again. Sometimes, when I'm really in a mood, I'll replay, over and over, a little snippet from our voice mail. It was Paul's message he left once when he was on the road to New Jersey. He had called to talk to me and I was outside and hadn't picked up. All he says is "Just me. Talk to you later." Just him. As if it wasn't really important. But, he was the MOST important part of my life. I was so frightened of losing that message if something happened to our power or the voice mail, so I recorded it onto my iPad and iPhone, just to be able to hear his voice when I need to. I also related to the story of seeing "couples still living the dream" and feeling even more alone and displaced in the world. It takes me back to when Paul and I did everything together and would be holding hands or hugging. We never gave it a second thought. Then I think to myself that sure, I'd love to be able to do the things we always did. I miss going tot hose places. But, what am I going to do? Drive down to the beach and stare at the ocean myself? Drive to other places by myself, when I used to have Paul to talk to and be with, and just look around and then come home? Yeah, I totally get that feeling of not knowing what the future is going to hold. I was speaking to a friend on the phone the other day and we were talking about my being somewhat uncomfortable at my niece's baby shower, watching the couples that were there and missing Paul. I said that it hurts knowing that those days are over for me and that the thought of even having to make small talk with another man disgusts me. She suddenly interjected, "For NOW!!! For NOW it disgusts you!" I had to politely inform her that I've never cared for dating, even when I was a young woman, so the thought of having to do it as an older woman, especially one who has now had 34 happy years with the love of her life, is three times as revolting to me. My friend has been married and divorced three times and had a string of boyfriends in between to take her to fancy restaurants, on expensive cruises and such. I've never been that type. I'm more a "cowboy songs around the campfire" kinda gal! Haha! Cheap date! Paul loved me for who I was and I don't think I could ever find that again. So, instead, I'm trying to figure out who I am now and who I can move forward with that. I'm sorry, I guess I'm rambling on again!

Marg, your door and petunias are simply beautiful! Red doors on houses are so cheerful and inviting. At least, they are to me. And a darn fine picture-taking job you did there, too! Screw drivers, sanders, picture taking, what will be your next big adventure? I can't wait to find out! Thank you for the information about the at-home jobs. I will look into that. Right now, KNOCK ON WOOD, I do still have medical insurance through the city, so I'm not worried about that part. Yet. There are many people affected by this turn of events with the city, so I'm not the only one involved. I know that they are not just accepting all of this without a fight, so it could be a long and winding road. I'm reminded of Bette Davis in All About Eve: "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night!" I don't think any of us would really take anything to heart and become angry. Oh my goodness, as if we have the extra energy for THAT! Haha! I went to my niece's baby shower last Sunday. It's the first time I've gone anywhere in a social context since Paul died. There were difficult moments, but I managed to get through it. It isn't easy to look around at all these young couples, still with their plans and futures ahead of them and not think of how Paul and I were once like that. Playing with my five year old great nephew really helped though. He knows his "Uncle Paul" isn't here anymore, but I'm sure he doesn't really get it, and he's so open and loving that it's hard to feel down when he's around, especially when you make him laugh out loud. That belly laugh that young children let loose with unbridled joy and no pretense---if they could only bottle that up and mete it out to people in small doses, how much better we'd ALL feel. I hope all of you are having a great week! I wish I could see you all in person to give you big hugs!

Hi Maryann, I've thought the same thing---what happened to that independent young woman I used to be? I'm 57, but I lost both my parents back in my early 40s and now I've lost my team mate, my partner, my love. It's been seven months for me now, but I'm feeling beaten down and exhausted. At the same time I'm dealing with the loss of my husband, things keep going wrong here at home and the city my husband worked for (under contract, no less) as a firefighter for 26 years is trying to take benefits away from the retirees and their surviving spouses. I'm worried about my financial future, as I have health conditions and don't work. Because I'm not old enough yet---60---to receive my husband's Social Security benefits, those have been taken away, as well. If anyone happens to know of any customer service type jobs you can do from home that are legitimate, by all means, please share! It is a weird feeling when you see something familiar and it gives you that "startle" effect. I was in the kitchen one night a few weeks ago, the phone rang and I looked at the ID. My husband's name came up with the number of our land line. When I saw Paul's name on the ID, I felt an automatic adrenaline rush, just as I would when he'd visit relatives up North and call me from the road to check in and let me know he had stopped for the night. This time, however, I didn't pick up the phone. I'm sure it was probably a scam, but instead, I chose to see it as him sending me a sign. Just a few minutes before that phone rang, I had been looking at his picture and asking if he even realized how much I loved him and missed him. It wasn't the first time I'd had this type of experience since Paul's passing. I know that we have no idea how people---famous or otherwise---are grieving in their private time and I would not want to tell anyone else how they should grieve, simply because I don't like it being done to me. I was only saying that, as with anything else in life, it's a bit easier when you have the financial resources at your disposal to take care of things without worrying that you're placing your own future in jeopardy. It may not lessen the grief, but it's less likely to complicate the situation, too. I also know that Kathie Lee has always been a woman of strong faith. I'm sure that helps her, as well. I've always been a questioner, so I've never completely had that spiritual peace of mind. I want concrete answers that make sense. And I want them NOW! Haha!

I was surprised when Kathie Lee Gifford returned to the Today Show only one week after her husband's passing. Frank Gifford, although 84, passed suddenly and unexpectedly, too. My heart went out to her and I admired her strength and faith so much, completely unaware that just a month later, I would find myself in exactly the same situation. Although it doesn't lessen the grief of losing someone you love, I did have to say that after I lost Paul, I looked back on Kathie Lee's return and became a bit angry. She has a gazillion friends around the world and people to help her----cook for her, clean for her, run errands for her...plus, she and Frank had a whole lot of money. I've had very little help at all, I'm constantly worried about having enough money, about repairing or replacing stuff that breaks around the home (and now, it appears I may have a termite issue---well the HOUSE does---it just never ends), I'm lonely and trying to keep my own health in good condition----so, as much as I truly do feel for people like Celine and Kathie Lee (it doesn't matter whether or not you're famous, it still hurts when you lose your lifetime love), they have people around them taking care of the mundane stuff so they can grieve or pamper themselves. My neighbors came over this morning, telling me that they noticed I still haven't sold my husband's truck. I told them that I had been cautioned about making major decisions in the first year of Paul's death and that I needed to make sure I was ready. What I didn't tell them is that having Paul's truck in the driveway makes me feel safer. Once I sell it, it will be just my little car sitting alone in the carport and if I do need to make a short trip somewhere, there will be NO cars there. As long as that huge Silverado sits in front of my home, people think there is more than one person living there and they also would not know whether someone is at home if i was out. Does that make sense or am I losing it? Marg, I laughed at your Southern pronunciations! They're great! I've been a huge Stevie Ray Vaughan fan (may he R.I.P. also) since the '80s and I always loved hearing him speak in interviews. The way he said "thang" instead of "thing". Love that Texas drawl! I was born in Florida from New England born and bred parents and yet, when I'm talking to someone, a lot of the time they'll ask me if I'm from Tennessee or Georgia! Go figure! "No, but I was raised eating grits with my scrambled eggs!" Haha! That's true! I still love grits!