TerriL

Gwen, You've brought up the very thing that I've thought about over and over. Divorce is different from your spouse dying. Both of us were still so much in love and we had plans for our future. He never dreamed he'd be gone that soon and neither did I! We were in this marriage forever. Paul had only been gone about three months when the first person mentioned the possibility of my eventually finding another "nice man to take you out". I remember feeling shocked that they would even bring something like that up in conversation. They even went so far as to emphasize to me that I should make sure he "has a home of his own", "a good job or his own money" and under no circumstances should I let them move in to my house unless I remarry. I just sat there, no doubt with my eyes like saucers, staring at them as they said this. I quickly informed them that I had no interest whatsoever in that kind of thing and they responded with, "Not right NOW! But down the road..." How do you argue with that? You can't. So I just shrugged and let it pass, as I have so many other ridiculous remarks. Frankly, in my opinion, the worst thing someone can do is immediately latch on to someone else in total desperation. Maybe I have that whole "marry in haste, repent at leisure" thing in my head. Paul was married once before he married me. It lasted a total of ten years, but he told me about it all and said the first five years were decent, the second five were miserable. Part of it may have been because he married at an early age, when he got out of the Navy after serving in Vietnam. After our first date, Paul and I both knew that what we had was going to be special. 34 years together proved we were right.

Mitch, you can't be hard on yourself. You're only human and sometimes, things get to a point where we finally snap. We think we're tolerating the insensitivity of others like mature adults, but underneath it all, we're in so much agony and there will come a time when there is one thoughtless remark too many. Today, it happened for you. And for her to say "I'm just trying to be nice" instead of apologizing is astounding to me! She's thinking about herself more than whatever pain she may have caused you. The only way I can handle my neighbor next door telling me how he's jealous of Paul because he's "in a better place with The Master" is to remind myself that the guy is not in his right mind. Not kidding. He's had to be Baker Acted a couple of times, once for threatening to blow up his oxygen tanks. Yeah, and they're in a room in close proximity to MY house! But, there are others who have told me that Paul's now in a "better pace". I ignore them. I know the only place Paul considered the best place was right here with me. Gee, Marg, I just finished tossing a bunch of boxes into the trash because they were piling up. If we were closer, you could have had them all---no duct tape needed! I also finally managed to toss a beer box filled with old newspapers, so old that Paul had actually read them and stuck them in the beer box himself for recycling. Once he died, papers and magazines started piling up to the point where it took me a while to get them tossed out. (I had to do it a little at a time after making the mistake of piling too many into the garbage bag and it becoming too heavy for me to even carry down to the garbage can or lift it over and in.) I finally got it whittled down to that beer box yesterday and now, that has made it into the recycle container for tomorrow's pick up. I have to say Marg has a good point about the re-reading of journals. I did read one of my very early entries one morning and it started me crying all over again. It brought back the vivid memory of how I was feeling in that moment as I wrote---the fear, the despair, the hopelessness. I still feel those things on occasion, but not the extreme fear that would make me wake up at night feeling nauseous. It's a difficult call to make, but the entries about my dreams are okay to read. I think. Haha! They should be the least upsetting, anyway.

That's a great idea, Maryann! I've tried to keep a journal since January and so far, my writing has been hit or miss. It has helped me though, so I need to try and sit myself down and just write. Just DO it. Now that you've got me thinking about that journal, I should go back and re-read some of my entries. See where I was then compared to where I'm at now. I've had strange dreams on occasion, too, and I'd write as much as I could remember about them. I'm still trying to figure a few out!

I forgot to mention, Maryann, that I bought that book upon your recommendation. I try to remember to read it every day when I'm having my first cup of coffee. I admit I've forgotten a few times, so I'll read more than one to catch up. Haha! It's very helpful though.

Thank you, Maryann! Wow, how adorable is that little bundle of white fur? Charlie is such a cutie pie! He made me smile!

SW, if we were in Oz, you'd definitely be my Auntie M! (Although, she was actually in Kansas, wasn't she? lol) I happened to notice how ironic the one line in my post was. I said I didn't want a new relationship with a stranger and yet, that's exactly what I have in my new reality. I'm a stranger to myself and I'm forced to figure out how we're going to live together from here on out. On a more life-affirming note, my niece has gone into labor this morning and I'm waiting to hear news of the birth of her baby girl. My niece conceived the baby only two days after Paul's death, so I feel maybe she has a bit of magic in her.

Gwen, I feel the same way. When you've had the love of your life, who else could possibly measure up? I don't want a new life with a stranger, I only want my OLD life with Paul back again. That probably wouldn't be fair either to inflict comparisons and judgments on some innocent well-meaning man. I know if i WAS in the market for dating or whatever, I wouldn't like having to live up to the memory of someone else's former girlfriend or wife. I'd tell them "sorry, I can only be ME". So, this is why it's best that I simply not "go there" in the first place. I'm also not the same person that I was before Paul passed away. It's one of the biggest reasons I've stayed off Facebook. I got tired of seeing comments from---again---"well-meaning" friends that it was "good to see that you're all better now" or that "at least you haven't lost your sense of humor". Quite frankly, those comments made me very angry and that's when I stopped visiting FB altogether. They're expecting the same Terri who was quick with a comeback or humorous remark, very high energy, always upbeat, etc. and while some vestiges of her remain, much of her was ripped away with Paul's sudden death. I didn't see the stages of grief in him, other than he panicked the morning we went down to Miami for them to run more tests. He burst into tears and yelled out that he didn't want to be blind. By that evening, he would have had a second stroke and then the seizure that rendered him unconscious. He was declared brain dead a couple of days later and taken off the life support. I'm glad he didn't suffer any more than he did, but it's also hard to process everything when everything is happening so fast and beyond your control. For several months, I was overwhelmed by the circumstances and also by the intense rage that felt like it was consuming me. I still get angry from time to time, but I do thank the Universe that it isn't that same intense anger, where i could have easily punched holes in concrete with my fists. Believe it or not, finding this forum helped me work through and release that anger. I needed people just like myself, going through the same things. So, all of us are meeting each other as "changed people". I can tell you that no matter what else has changed, you're still good, likable people and I hope I can be the same in my new persona, as well.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said, Marg (SW)! I have those numb days, where I walk around in a daze, pretty much feeling nothing. Do you think that's our minds or bodies protecting us from pain overload? It also fascinates me how Paul and I stayed young while everyone else was aging (this is why Paul's death was even more shocking to me---it was something that happened to other people we knew, not US). I'll turn your nephew's age this October and I used to act like a goofy kid when my birthday would be getting closer. Now, like we said before, we can skip October. Just for the record, a 17 year old IS still a child. I never thought so when I was that age, but now? I realize what a baby I still was, even at 23, when I first began dating Paul! Wow, two acres that need to be mowed. I thought I had it bad with this small yard of mine. I had s tree service come here last Saturday and cut back branches on a few of my trees just in case we should have a bad storm this year. I don't need the brand new roof we put on the house a year ago to get destroyed by some errant branches. I also had the banana tree plants Paul planted for me years ago torn down completely. They even dug up and removed all the stumps to keep it from regenerating. It was just getting way too out of control for me to handle on my own. It was taking over the space by my bedroom window and creating a haven for tons of black ants. So, now I feel rather like my backyard is looking at present. Ripped up, forlorn and shabby. Paul used to make our yard a show place. Yeah, maybe numbness isn't so bad sometimes. Be careful and be safe, SW. Don't over extend your super powers. XO

Gwen, I recently read in an article (I think it was actually one that Marg shared with us all about there being no set stages of grief) that Kubler-Ross later said that she regretted writing those five stages of grief. She had since come to realize how much more complex grief truly was and that it was not a linear experience. That article made me feel much better.

I don't mean to barge in on your conversation, but I've been dealing with this same issue. At first, I felt I must be alone in this and didn't know how to bring it up. Every morning when I would wake up and go out to get my coffee, Paul would rub my arms and shoulders for me because those joints were always sore. HIs kisses, his hugs---everything----were unlike any I'd ever experienced and there has never been any other man who I would want to be with other than Paul. We were so compatible in a "meant to be" kind of way. Our intimacy evolved into something so much richer and deeper over our 34 years together. And now----nothing. People might hug me hello or goodbye (and nothing lifts me to Cloud Nine like my 5 year old great nephew's hugs, when he says "I love you, Auntie Terri") but the ONLY man that could give me "those" hugs---the ones where I could just stop, sink into his arms, breathe in his delicious scent and hear his heart beating, until it felt like we were melted into each other---is no longer here. I will never have "those" hugs ever again, I will never again look into his blue-green eyes or feel his lips on my own, no matter how long I live on Earth. The thought of any sort of intimacy with another man, just for the sake of physical closeness, totally repulses me now. I'd rather channel my energies into creative pursuits, as I don't see any other options available to me. I sit alone at home and long for and ache for Paul, but it's a longing that is only going to remain unfulfilled. My reality is that, from now on, I will always carry a torch for the only man I've ever truly loved or wanted to be married to.

Dealing with the "personal effects" has always been the roughest part for me in the aftermath. It's so hard for me to let go because it's the only physical part of them I have left. I still have all of Paul's vitamins, supplements and blood pressure medication sitting right where he left it in the kitchen. I haven't touched any of his stuff. The last towel he dried himself off with over eight months ago, still hangs over the shower door. I remove it when I shower and then place it back on the frame when I'm done. Paul and I both had health issues the last few years, but we were working hard to regain our health and doing very well (or at least we thought so). I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but one week before he had the strokes, Paul and I were actually congratulating ourselves for how far we had come in just one year. We were discussing the possibility of being well enough to begin riding our bikes in parks and the beach again, like we had n the past, before our joint issues reared their ugly heads. Paul and I planned to go to the bike store to buy a new one for me, since my "post illness" body now needs a more upright position and coaster brakes. And then, that was it. Before we even went to the bike store, he was gone. Every cool, sunny day we had this past winter made me think of how we would have been riding our bikes, laughing, having fun and stopping for something to eat at our favorite cafe after the ride. We went through hell the few years before, in pain all over, not knowing what was happening to our bodies, we were doing what the doctor advised us to do and what is our reward? Paul was unfairly struck down without warning and it feels as if my life was taken from me at the same time. It's weird, but some days, I think of myself as the "Spirit of Christmases Past" or something like that. I'm walking around and appear to be a functioning, living being, but if you look really hard, you realize you can see right through me. The me that "was" is no longer in there. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get her back and that scares me.

I have a shed that's rusting out, too, Kay. So far, it's still standing and most of the stuff inside stays dry---most---but there are definitely places where it's leaking. I have no idea what I'll do with that either, since it's Paul's lawn equipment shed. It houses the mower I can't start or maintain, leaf blower, edger, weed whacker, hedge trimmers, etc.---all that stuff. If I tore the shed down, I'd have to either find room for it all or even worse, sell it off. I haven't been able to bring myself to sell anything of his or give it away yet. My yard is the place I go to just "be still" for a while and breathe. We have these two mockingbirds that sing away the whole day on our wooden fence and I love to listen to them. Funny, I don't even know if they realize that they lift my mood when they sing like that. The only thing I can give them in return is to make sure the hedges that grow "cherries" and flowers for nectar stay healthy and keep blooming, for that's where the mockingbirds get extra food. Joyce, I remember the days, too, of floating around the above ground pool, laughing, talking, just enjoying a beautiful summer day. I sit on the deck now and look at the grungy, draining pool and I can almost hear the two of us again, the way we were last year. I think of how clueless we both were as to what was lurking right around the corner. We had no way of knowing it would be the last time we'd share those times together.

Mitch and everyone, I'm at the same place in my life. So many beautiful days and they've been pretty much wasted on me, because the things I'd normally do on days like that I would do with Paul. Since he's gone, I'm like Mitch said, "on the inside, looking out on the life going on all around me". I've always loved our yard, especially our back yard with the pool and deck, bird feeders, bird bath and palm trees. I would go outside and feel so connected to the Universe. Now, the pool is almost empty of its water (the water was nasty though, which was harder to look at since Paul had always kept it so crystal clear), I'm considering having my banana tree plants, with their beautiful large fronds) cut down due to just getting out of hand and my not having the strength to keep them trimmed back, the garden Paul and I were going to plant is still bare, with weeds growing all over. My brother in law started to mention tearing the deck out and replacing it with sod, but I jumped in at that point and said, "NO." Paul built that deck with his own two hands and it's bad enough I may end up having to tear down the pool he also constructed. Just because it requires maintenance doesn't mean I want to tear it all down and live in a bare house with gravel poured into my yard where grass and trees used to be. I deserve to have my beautiful yard and I think I've suffered enough loss for now. I'm tired of only seeing a future where I'm being pressured into losing more of the things I love and that give me comfort. I admit the banana trees are overgrown and only going to cause issues like bugs and stuff, but it doesn't mean it won't hurt to have them cut down. Paul didn't even really want those plants, but I did, and so he planted them. He'd tell me, "You don't even LIKE bananas!" No, but I DO love the sound of the breeze rustling through the fronds. It's so soothing. It's so hot again this afternoon. Today would be a day Paul and I would be going in the pool. I'd even bought a really cute bathing suit when it went on clearance sale in August of 2015 to wear when summer came this year. I tried it on for Paul when it arrived and he really liked it. Now, I'm no longer sure when or if I'll ever wear it.

I'm sorry you had to deal with fires out there once again. I pray for everyone to stay safe, but from what I was seeing on TV about California, so many people are losing their homes. I've never understood why there seem to be so many fires out that way all the time. Is it arson or are there other causes? I know that fires will start in the Everglades because of lightning strikes. I'm afraid I'd probably be one of those in a parka at 60 degrees! HAHA! Winter for South Florida is when it drops below 70 degrees and the humidity disappears. I'd tell Paul that there are really only TWO seasons in South Florida: "Good skin and frizzy hair and Great Hair and dry skin".

Gwen, I know what you're talking about. I'll automatically think how it would be a nice day to "insert whatever activity Paul and I have always done" and again, reality slams the lid shut on what used to be my regular routine for years. Going by myself or even with a friend would not be the same at all and the flood of memories would probably be too hard to bear. How are we supposed to make a "new normal" when we loved the "old normal" so much and didn't want to let it go? Marg, I've actually heard other people say that about Prozac---that it wouldn't allow them to cry; it left their brain feeling "numb". All of our emotions are there for a reason and just as a fever happens because the body is fighting an invader off, our emotions kick in to help the body and brain right itself. I do believe medication is necessary if someone is having extreme feelings one way or the other or if their mental illness is biological---such as bipolar or schizophrenia. But, I'm not with the crowd who feels automatic medicating for something like anxiety or depression is mandatory. Maybe we should adopt the term for this forum that many people on medication use now---we aren't addicted to this, we are dependent on it. It's a sanctuary where everyone understands us, does not judge us or tell us how or what we SHOULD be doing. We're dependent on the forum to help us as we try like hell to move forward. Some days are easier (and better) than others but this forum and the wonderful people are always here, waiting for us, no matter what. It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name. And it's apparently hot all over this country, from the sound of it! I've never been out West and have always wanted to go. Gwen, your comment made me think of a song by The Partridge Family---I was a big fan back in the day---haha! "Point Me In The Direction Of Albuquerque". Maybe someone had moved to Arizona, they were broiling in the sun and wanted to get back to NM! The heat here in South Florida, especially around July/August is that oppressive, stick to your skin kind of heat. There's a lot of humidity and it feels as if you're melting. Marg may discover that kind of heat in Louisiana, too. If you live in a city near the coast, it isn't as bad. I don't live that far from the beach, so we'll get breezes that don't reach the middle part of the state. West coast gets the Gulf breezes, East coast gets the Atlantic breezes, and the center just gets hot. lol

You know, June isn't even over yet and it is extremely HOT out!!! The thermometer on my back patio reads 96 degrees. I can feel it in the house even with the AC on. Anyone else experiencing crazy heat? (I can't imagine what the midwest must feel like, since we at least have an ocean breeze.)

Yes, SW, my brother in law came by several days ago and began draining my swimming pool (it's less than a foot deep now and we discovered there are actually tadpoles swimming around in there! HAHA! I've got new pets!), then I discovered some warning lights on the dashboard of the only car I drive---my PT Cruiser---were on and that got taken to the garage. There was something wrong in the power steering and $176.00 later, that's been fixed. Then, when i was outside the next morning, I noticed that part of my mahogany tree is hanging right over my roof and touching part of it, so my brother in law is going to have his tree guy come out and take a look, give mean estimate for that. Then, the pension board meeting, where they were supposed to hold some kind of final vote about our money having to be taken out, was approaching and I was trying to write a speech, thinking I may have to attend it. However, my car ended up in the shop, I woke up feeling unwell and I decided that I didn't feel like having to beg for something that's rightfully mine anyway! My husband worked for these benefits legitimately, under a signed contract---he didn't steal anything from anyone. Now I'm supposed to stand before these jerks and tell them all my personal hardships? That is so not me. It's the same reason I dropped the disability claim for the Social Security benefits. I'm too proud for my own good maybe, but I have to live with myself every day and I want to look in the mirror and like who I see. My integrity is important to me and nothing would be worse for me than feeling as if I'd sold my soul for a few extra bucks. Maybe that's just evidence of how lucky I truly am in life to be able to remain proud and not pander to anyone for extra money. I have no doubt that others are not so fortunate and have really no choice but to do whatever they must to get financial help and benefits. So, I am very, very grateful. Either way, they ended up not voting right away on anything, pending some outcome of a decision that needs to be made by the city. So, for now, my money is still right where it should be---another thing for which I'm feeling blessed. Then, a good friend of mine called me with horrible news. Her granddaughter was delivered stillborn and that hit me very hard. She had shared the ultrasounds with me and the news when they discovered it was a girl. I would hear all the latest news before anyone else because she knows when I promise to keep something secret, I am even more secure than Fort Knox. Her daughter in law was having problems and then, the amniotic fluid began leaking. They tried to save the baby, but she had already stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. The poor mother had to deliver the baby, knowing she was already gone. It's just so heartbreaking. This is why I worship Nature as the Divine and vice versa. I feel that the Divine just is---it's a powerful, inherently intelligent force in the Universe and anyone can harness it, for good or bad. It's the only thing that makes any real sense to me, personally, in this crazy world. I agree with you, Marg. We are ALL ageless and had so many more plans in the world that should have been lived. Now, they won't. Or if they are still lived, it will never be in the same way. That has been the hardest part for me. Coming to the realization that nothing will EVER be the way it was before. That kind of life is now over. I'm completely lost.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through Marg. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff this week myself and had my own meltdown the other day. Honestly, there are days where it all seems too much and I'm yelling at Paul to come back because we're still supposed to be together, doing all this "life stuff" as a couple. When I've "disappeared" for a short time from this forum, it's when I've had to juts stop everything and just "be" for a while. I'm still trying to figure myself out without having my life/love partner with me any longer. It isn't easy. Well----I just had to go answer the phone. It was our storage unit place where we have some furniture and other things stored. Apparently, I forgot to pay this month and she wanted to call me before any late charges were applied. Usually, I get an email telling me the payment is due and I pay it then. This month, I did not get an e-mail and that's why it's late. Eventually, I will be having to pack up the stuff in that unit and try to find some room for most of it in my small home. Paul and I had planned on moving and using that furniture in a new home with a little more room in it. Now, I'll have to sell off the nice Queen-sized bedroom set in storage. There's no way that bed and the dresser and table would fit in a bedroom in this 1956-built home. The linen closet in my hallway appears to have been built for Barbie-doll sized towels and linens. So, I will get off of here for now so I can go pay that bill online.

Dawn Marie, I know firsthand that there are corrupt officers as well as the tow truck services. Years and years ago, Paul and I went out to eat at our favorite barbecue place. There was a valet service and a county sheriff that stood guard at the front of the restaurant. Next to the place was a parking lot of a strip mall, but all the stores were closed at night. Paul parked the car himself in one of the parking lot spaces and we both walked up to the sheriff's deputy, pointed to where our car was and asked him if we were okay parking there. He told us "Oh sure! That's fine! No problem!" So, we happily went inside and had a great dinner. We came out, looked over at the empty spot where our car had been and we look up at the street and there went our car, down the road, attached to the back of a tow truck. That same deputy was still standing there and my husband began yelling at him and calling him a crook. He reminded the guy that he had told us it was FINE to park where we were and asked him how much he was getting in kick backs from that tow truck company. The officer threatened to arrest my husband if he didn't stop yelling at him and all these people around us saw and heard what was going on. One couple, who had gone in at the same time as we had and HEARD the officer tell us our car was okay where it was, offered us a ride to the tow truck compound. When we arrived there, all the men in that place were total slime balls. I said to the head slime ball, "May I just ask one question?" and he barks at me, "NO!!! Shut up!!!" The dinner had cost us about forty dollars that night and then, it cost us another two or three hundred to get the car back. It's pretty well known that all over South Florida there are tow truck scams going on all the time and I have no doubt that some of them involve officers of the law.

Polly, I know about the lawn thing. I fired the lawn service I had been using since I didn't think they were doing that exceptional a job for the money. My grass was actually dying because they continued to cut when it didn't need it (and we weren't getting rain) and the commercial mower they used was creating circular patches of dirt. When it would pivot to turn, it would rip the grass right up out of the ground and it started to look like the golf course in Caddyshack! (Unfortunately, Bill Murray didn't show up. lol) It was getting fairly long (and my hedges need trimming now, too) and my neighbor down the street finally offered to come down and mow it. It's short now, but it needs weed-whacking. I'm not about to attempt that. I'm sure I'd end up appearing to have been lashed with a cat o'nine tails. Gwen, when I read your post, at first I thought, "Wow! Those are some talented chickens!" HAHA!!!

Karen, that's how I feel about animals. They are members of the family. I'd probably have a dog right now, too, except my cats are not dog lovers themselves. lol Paul and I had three cats for a while that we called our "Three Musketeers". When the oldest two passed away with six months of each other (with my husband's brother and my father passing away in between), we swore we would not have any more and just let the remaining cat, Stimpy Louise, live out her life and that would be it. We thought maybe we'd get a dog for a change. But, as luck would have it, several months after Sniglet passed away in 2003, our cat Pumpkin showed up in our backyard hedges with kittens in tow and it's how we ended up presently owning four. Our youngest, the only boy, Frankie, showed up in our hedges back in 2013. I really need to chop down those hedges! Haha! Next time you watch movies where the protagonist is awkward, a social misfit, can't get a date, that kind of thing, you watch what kind of pet they will own. Nine times out of ten, it will be a cat. The stereotype of the "crazy cat lady". I have a friend who has 18 dogs. Does that make her a "crazy dog lady"? Now that I think about it, it made Paul think she was!

Marg, Did you have animals all the time while growing up? Some people may not be wired to want to care for animals just as some people choose to not have children, pretty much for the same reason you mentioned. They don't want the responsibility and don't feel their lives are "less than" by being childless. I think everyone should do what they feel is best for them. We aren't all created the same way for the same things in life. I always had animals of one kind or another when i was growing up. I've had dogs, cats, hamsters, horses and we even had tropical dish and canaries for a while. My cat brigade kept me going after Paul passed away. I do worry about them more since Paul's passing and pray that nothing will happen to any of them in the near future. I just don't want to suffer another loss so soon. I'm beat up already. My main problem about the cat/dog thing in movies is that so many people seem to love dogs, but cats have a really crappy (and totally undeserved) reputation. I love dogs and all animals, but for 34 years now, I've had cats. My husband was hesitant in the beginning when I got the first one, but he also grew to love and appreciate them and when the dog next door would be yapping away uncontrollably while he was trying to watch a football game or race on TV, Paul would look over at one of our cats, curled up and sleeping peacefully. He'd say to me, "I actually prefer cats now." If someone thinks cats really are the way movies and TV depict them, they've never lived with them on a regular basis. And this is coming from a person who's cats have run the gamut from sweet and loving to wacko and nervous. Every one of them has trusted me though, because they can.

I've never seen Zootopia, but one movie I will watch over and over and still laugh every time is "There's Something About Mary". Another is "Sixteen Candles". I've already told you all that Paul was 10 years older than me and I'd always drag him to movies like Sixteen Candles and Valley Girl (another one I LOVE) and he was surprised that he would actually enjoy them. Those movies became the ones we'd quote to each other all the time. He'd tell me that living with me was like having a perennial teenager in the house. HAHA!!! I can't deny that there's me truth to that. I've always been of the mind that one may have to grow older, but not necessarily UP. Marg, I spent my teen years listening to Cheech and Chong's albums! I've never smoked weed in my life and yet, I thought they were a riot. Funny is funny. Another favorite of mine was George Carlin. I miss him! We could really use his straightforward, common sense point of view in this world right now. I finally saw that movie "Hello, My Name Is Doris" yesterday afternoon and although Doris isn't exactly like me, I completely identified with the scenes between Doris and her family members. The way they treat Doris and act as if they're so high and mighty----it really hit home. The scene where they barge right in and are going too "help" her and she finally screams at them---that reminded me so much of what happened right after Paul died. I'm not a hoarder, but I do collect books, since I'm an avid reader. It was a good movie and Sally Field, as usual, is such an amazing actress and a beautiful woman. (One beef: why is it that anytime the movies or TV shows want to portray someone with emotional problems or introverted tendencies, they automatically give them a cat/s as a pet/s? There are many people who own dogs who have emotional problems and many cat lovers who don't! It's things like that that perpetuate the unfair and untrue stereotypes towards cats.) I'm thinking of all the Dads, Granddads, Godfathers today. A special shout out to my own late father and Paul (who was always like a dad to our goddaughter).

I understand what you mean, Marg. Paul and I once had a house on five acres and it dawned on me that anyone could break in and the neighbors, who also had five acres apiece, would never hear or see a thing. The crime rate was much lower there, but still. And Paul would have to travel a two hour drive to work at the fire department. leaving me alone and knowing no one, for over 24 hours at a time. We moved back to our old home after a year! Fortunately, it had not sold yet. I have my alarm system here, a gun, and my common sense and I feel pretty safe here, too. It's more of a city/suburb atmosphere, but it's the devil I know. lol Speaking of devils, I'd place Manson right in that category. I don't think his kind of crazy is possible to change. HIs brain is permanently diseased.

I forgot to mention---after all my panicking about not being able to move the TV and shelves out, it ended up that he didn't even need to do that! He hooked it all up without ever needing to get behind the unit. Maybe that's why i couldn't make that thing budge. Paul was on the other side of it pushing back, trying to tell me to leave it alone! HAHA! I did have to call tech support a bit later when I tried watching the satellite because my closed captioning was no longer there. Turns out I now have to turn it on and off through the satellite menu itself, not my TV remote. Every time you have to upgrade everything, there is some sort of complication. It works the way it used to but, at the same time, it doesn't. They change it just enough to totally confuse you all over again! On the bright side, I try to look at any difficulty as a chance to form new brain cells! Ssshhhh, don't deny me my fantasy, please! It's all that's keeping me going at this point. Marg, you are so brave. I don't know any other way to put it. To just pack up, put your old house on the market and venture to an apartment in another state on your own is such a courageous thing to do, especially in light of your other circumstances. I know for sure that I'd be having meltdowns. Heck, I have them anyway and I'm in the same house I've been in for over 31 years! I had a bad moment this morning. Two days ago, I had read an article in a magazine about this little spot on the West coast of Florida that was pretty cool and thought I'd look up more information online. It sounded like such a quaint and friendly community (the only downside being that they don't allow any pets other than service dogs---I'm an animal lover so I don't think I could live there). All of a sudden, here came the flood of emotions---all I wanted was to share it with Paul. I wanted to tell him about it and show him the pictures. I knew what he'd say, I could hear him so clearly in my head. "Well, pick a day and we can take a ride and go look at it." That's when you break down again. That realization that there won't be any more rides together. You won't be looking at new places to live as a couple any more. Without even a warning, these hopes and dreams were just stolen away from both of you. I'm feeling somewhat better now, but I still sit here bewildered half the time, wondering what hit us both and left me the lone survivor. Oh! And am I the only one who thinks like this? I was watching the NBC show Aquarius the other night, which centers on psycho Charles Manson and how he formed his "family" or whatever you want to call that heinous group of miscreants. I turned off the show before it was over because it suddenly dawned on me: that murderous scumbag, Manson, is still alive and breathing oxygen (on the taxpayers' dollars) at the age of 81 and my Paul was struck down at only 67. All Paul ever did was help people and make their lives better (mine included). There is no sense or logic in this world! I started watching the show because I was a young child during the 60s and remember the fashions and music but I doubt I'll watch again. Marg, please get a deadbolt lock or one of those alarms you hang on the door, so that if it should be opened, the alarm will go off and make a lot of noise. I'm sure you're fine, but I always believe in that old adage about an "ounce of prevention".