Widowedbysuicide

Today marks the beginning of the 8th month for me.  I feel not too bad in my life right now, I know that it will fluctuate, but I am aknowledging and thankful for how I feel here and now.  I don't know what 'my personal hell' yet to come on this grief journey is, but judging by how these first seven months have been I know that it isn't going to be a picnic.  I have to keep reminding myself that I can only do so much and in order to survive my basic human needs have to be met.  I'm the only one who can do that for me is myself, but really, I'm doing it for my lost love too.  He loved me completely and always wanted me to be well and as happy as possible.  Now, I need to show him that with all the skills he gave me, all the lessons we learned together, and all the love we shared, I will be okay.  Not today, and not most days even when my life and the grief calms down, but some days there will be a me he will be happy to see.  I've been told that it is good to live in the moment and that is what I'm aiming to do today, and now.

I am just so sad that there are so many good people on here whose hearts are broken and they are suffering so deeply.  You all are in my heart and I am wishing for comfort for you all.

Marita

If it is possible I wish you all could care for and about yourself as you partner would if he/she were here.  It could help your heart and be a way to honour your darling.  

I feel your pain and wish I could ease it.  Be kind to yourself today.

Gin, I have spent so much time feeling What Now.  It makes me want to scream, maybe I should try screaming.   I changed my mind, I will have some ice scream instead.

Life sure does throw some curve balls.  When I don't know what to do with myself I put an audio book on and go to sleep.  I am fortunate that grief doesn't follow me there.  I'm hoping that you will feel more enthusiasm by the time you read this.  Sending you hugs.

1 hour ago, CharKath said:

Here it is Thursday and I don't feel any better. Trying to "outwork" grief isn't working, but keeps me busy. I get up at 6, do my hour of chores and go to the neighbors to help with his rental house. Work till 7 or 8 and then come home to this lonely place and do my long chores of an hour and half. Tonight the tears started again as soon as I pulled in the drive and continued until I had finished chores. My neighbor goes home to his wife, my friend goes home to her husband and I no longer have anyone. Just wish I'd die so I could go find Charley. This is just a mood I suppose, work is just 6 1/2 hours away and I can do this all over again. Grief is exhausting.

Please don't give up Kathy and don't work yourself into an unhealthy life.   If I had a magic wand I would wave it over Charley to bring him back to your loving arms.  Since I can not do that all I can do is pray for you to find some peace and comfort tonight.  

On August 2, 2016 at 11:49 AM, JenniferK said:

My Dad passed away suddenly the day after he turned 65 3 weeks ago.

I think of nothing else all day and night. I don't know how to live without him in this world.  

I have shut out everyone I know other than my Mom and husband. 

My heart feels like it's gone and most of the time I'm so overcome with so much panic and anxiety I can't breathe.

How can I live somewhere my Dad will never be?  I don't know how to live with this pain and fear and anger. How do you go on?

I am so sorry for your loss Jennifer.  I lost my dad 13 years ago and I can truly understand what is going on in your heart and your mind.  I always thought that I would totally fall apart when the time came that he would pass.  He was 45 when I was born and I feel so blessed to have had 46 years with him.  

I still think of my dad almost everyday.  I brought some personal tools and things of his to my new home, to welcome him here.  It makes me feel good to see pictures of him and I believe he continues to be part of my family.  I hope someday you will be able to have that same comfort.  

In January, my husband died of suicide just a month before his 57th birthday.  My son, who is 29 and still lives at home, has been dealing with his grief in ways that are similar and also very different from how I lived through my dad's death, which was worn out parts.  We all are different people and our grief is also unique to each of us.  I'm encouraging him to see a grief councellor as I know the benefits of having someone trained to be able to talk to.  I encourage you to do the same.

Right now it probably seems like nothing will ever be ok again.  I can tell you from my experience that life will never be as good as it was when he was with you but somehow we go on.  He will always be proud of you; the unconditional love of a parent doesn't stop.  

When you can, live your life to the fullest, you may find as I did, that when you do this it is easier to enjoy all your great memories of your Dad.

As with my son, I wish I could bring our loved ones back or at least take the terrible pain away.  I am so sad for the reason that you are on this forum but I'm so glad you have found your way here.  Everyone here is on a grief journey too and it is so supportive here.

Marita

You give me so much hope George!  

To all the great women on here I think our awesome husbands would be telling us they are proud of what we are doing, if they could.  

To all the great men on here I'm sure your darling wives were and are very proud to be your brides.  

Terri, your brother in law is an absolute jerk.  I'm so impressed that you aren't letting him continue such abusive behaviour.  He must have a highly inflated image of himself and should be ashamed of his actions and words.  You might want to advise him that you could have him formally charged for abusing you verbally and emotionally.  Yes to a no trespassing sign!

It's so great to hear/read all the really smart comments on here.  I have never read anything I would call ignorant. 

My Hell today :-  I feel so discouraged by the world as it appears to me.

Where did compassion go?  

Are manners hidden somewhere?  

Common sense is an oxymoron now.  

Strangers are more compassionate than family... why?  

When Gord was alive a lot of things didn't bother me half as much as they do now.  I guess it's because he isn't here to digest things with me, he was great at that.  Time alone gives only 1 person's perspective and mine often holds me back.

Too much to do.  Fix fences and gates, roof repairs, car repairs, selling cars, housework, yard work.  No plans for 'me time'.  So what happens?  I do nothing productive, nothing that gives me satisfaction, and I feel like 'what difference does it make'.  Feeling that way is not productive either.  Circle, everything is part of a circle.

well i says to myself, ifin' I doesn't git to it now I might git round to it next time.....

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

That we will do, Kay  ♥

I'm so saddened by your loss KayC.  Sending prayers to all.

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

He can go where you cannot so have faith. If you allow your love to flow, it makes you easier to find. That's another one of my pet theories that I truly believe in.

I am loving this!  I want to be found.

On a different loss - I have not felt my father or had any sign of him after 13 years.  I guess it could be me blocking them... Geez, if all my lost loved ones show up at once it's going to get crazy loud!!  I love the bagpipes!

18 hours ago, Gin said:

Stephen, I feel the same.  Some days are just horrible.  I think I am doing OK and then it hits hard again.  Tomorrow Al will be gone 10 months.  Seems like forever and it also seems like yesterday!   Don't know how I made it this long.

Gin

Gin, I'm thinking of you today and truly hoping that the pain is more tolerable today than it was yesterday, and that with each new day you find relief from your deep pain.  

17 hours ago, Gin said:

Stephen,

I live in the big city.  When I was a kid, many years ago, we always sat outside on the front steps.  No A/C.  Today I looked out and there was no one.  There must be at least 40 houses and there was no one in front or back.  It emphasizes the aloneness that I feel, even in the midst of people.  Most of the people I knew are long gone.  There are maybe 8 families I know, but A/C keeps everyone (including me) isolated.  I guess I should have been more social these last years.  It was hard when I was working.  Excuses!!

I so get the social thing.  When you are with your special person you have no need for others.  We did socialize a bit before we made our 15 mile move.  I guess relationships were not as strong as I had thought.  Being an outcast is so hard.  I would rather have people say the wrong thing than to spend so much time in segregation.  

I am amazed and awed by all the wonderful people on here.  Honest folks who bravely reveal their experiences.  As we are all at varying times in this journey there is always someone who I can relate to and that is so important.  Who else is going to tell me it's okay to act as I do or to say what I say and feel what I feel?  

To those rough days past I say, 'goodbye, I survived you this time and when I have to I will survive you again.'  To the rough days to come I say, 'and this too shall pass, nothing lasts forever.'

I love you husband dear.  Not a great photo but that is ok.  He was helping me last year in June with a blanket repair.  

Sadly, I can relate to what has been written here.  Seven months in and I'm just trying to cope as the time passes.  

11 minutes ago, kayc said:

We don't all get signs.  I didn't even dream of George for a year or two after he died, I couldn't understand that, when we were so close and he was everything to me, but it happens.

It has only been 7 months for me but I don't think I've seen any signs.  And he has been in a couple of dreams but he wasn't alive in the dreams.  

I agree with your comments Kay.  

There is so much heartbreak out there.  

I wish that I could take some of your pain away Gwen and Gin.  I feel fortunate that my age and health are good right now because I think it helps me to see that my grief is easy compared to others grief.  Having my son with me certainly helps too.  

I will say a special prayer for your grandson Gin.  May God bless you both.

May whatever each of you believes in bring you peace.  For those who haven't found that 'whatever' I hope you will find it soon.

Hi Meredith,

On July 26, 2016 at 3:24 PM, Meredith said:

 

It weighs on me because in the past few years I've really worked hard at being the daughter they have always deserved.  I've gotten so close to them. My mom is who I would have called for advice on all of this when I could no longer process internally (like today) . I love my dad.  Total daddy's girl. But my dad is an internal person. Seeing me hurt or not doing well would destroy him. At least in the inside. On  the outside he would say he is fine (just like he always has). I just don't know how I will move on when he goes. 

As an only child myself I can understand many of your feelings.  

I was not close to my mother but I adored my father.  An angel I was not.  My father passed on November 5th, 2003 at 91+.  My mother left him and they divorced in 2000.  She lives in a residential care facility and was 91 this past November.  I do not see or speak to her for my mental health - she has narcissistic behaviours.  I do feel guilt for many things in my past but I also remind myself that I was behaving age appropriately.  I was a child and she was the adult.  

I certainly feel sad for the torment that you are suffering.  The fact that you attempted to be 'the daughter' shows that you are a very caring and compassionate person.

I too adored my Dad.  He was 45 when I was born and I feel so very lucky to have had 46 years with him.  I thought my life would fall apart when he passed.  It didn't fall apart but it definitely left a huge hole in my life and in my heart.  

Take care of yourself.  I hope you have had the chance to talk with a grief councellor and are feeling a little stronger and more confident.

Marita

So sorry Kay.  My thoughts are with you and your community.

Thank you MartyT.  

Can you move my post to 

please Marty

I'm very sorry for your loss Deniz.  I lost my husband of 36 years back in January so I can understand much of your pain.

I too have avoided certain places and things to protect myself from a major grief break down.  As far as our bed I have kept it and sleep in it each night.  I use the same sheets and pillows but I have changed the bed coverlet to something feminine.  We had a neutral cover before.  I want to paint the room to make it different as I feel the need to make it my own.  This is in a home that I own and so far it is working for me.  I am comforted by keeping the bed and using it as a place of remembering the good things in my life past and present.

I pray you can find genuine peacefulness in your life.

Marita

A new topic might wish to be born - my thought today - A place to post random thoughts, activities and/or our photos that have a humours theme.   Or perhaps it could be The Farside of Hell... 

Any thoughts on this?  

This really happened to me.  13 registered Black Angus in with my horses!  Is that worse luck than one black cat?

At just beyond 7 months I really can not imagine the amount of sorrow each person here has suffered.  Actually, no disrespect intended here, I don't want to think about the future beyond a week at a time.  Even that can overwhelm me.

I miss my husband so very much for all kinds of crazy and normal reasons.  

I was just thinking that the last movie we saw together at the theatre was 'Crocodile Dundee'.  I was pregnant with our now 29 year old son.  

No more holding hands, no warm safe arms around me, no reassuring words, no more of anything with him.  

But the topic here is Changes I'm Making.  Everything is changing without my consent or control.  The one thing I am committed to doing is participating weekly in a grief walk and talk group that is supported by hospice.  It is a one hour walk/stroll where persons who have lost their spouse, partner, or significant other are encouraged to talk with each other and with the hospice volunteers.  After the walk is an hour coffee time to continue talking.  It starts August 11th at 10:00am.  I'm kind of excited.  I have registered for other grief help programs, each time they have been cancelled for lack of participants.  I know that if that happens again that I am going to feel lost and probably depressed.  I need to have a plan if that happens...  There is a park nearby and I can take one of my dogs and get some exercise and fresh air.  It isn't ideal but it is available.

I'm sending prayers for everyone here to find peace and a glimpse of true joy.

Marita

I like your thinking Mitch

I sure don't know what I would do if I couldn't come here.

I bet we cover the full spectrum of 18+ and all shapes, sizes, colours, and sexes.  Yet we can all relate to the pain each other is suffering.

Sometimes I come here needing to cry and I find someone newly heartbroken and I cry with them.  I feel for all that visit here.  Other times I come here just to see how everyone is doing and I find thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and suggestions that help me see things from other eyes.  I am helped by so many.  Today I came to just sit quietly and think.

Then along comes TerriL

You crack me up lady!  

I so needed this giggle, Thank you.

I need everyone who is here and I only wish we could be in a forum with our spouses.

Marita

It is such a relief coming on here and having my thoughts be normal.  

I'm starting to feel resentment building up towards those people out there that act like my loss is only a short term inconvenience. 

Thank goodness for here!

Thank you Marty.