Widowedbysuicide

Gin, I hope today brings you some peace and hope.

 You are in my thoughts and prayers

I will be cheering you on Robin.  It is hard work living through grief.  

amazing info.

thanks for sharing this link.

Thank you for your gracious comments.  Hugs to you all.

The only dream I have had with Gord in it was just recently.  In the dream I viewed my husband's naked body in the morgue.  It didn't frighten me or make me behave/feel bad, it just seemed to be what was meant to happen.

In other dreams, I have known he was dead and gone but never saw him.  Those dreams feel the same.  

Maybe I'm not ready to dream a good dream...

On July 1, 2016 at 7:01 PM, Patty65 said:

Ohhh totally... Every once in a while I have this bizarre concept that I'll have to find some friends, since I had little to none because it was just us two musketeers and the shop. And I'm so alone with every aspect of life. Then I think, how could I possibly ever do that in the state I'm in?  "New" almost seems like a dirty word.  I just want the old, and knowing I can't have that, it makes "new" my enemy.

I'm not very good at the quotes thing but I just want to say, I really get this!).

I'm sorry for your situation Gin.  I'm an only with a son living at home.  I'm thankful I have him (even when he makes me crazy).

Thnking of you and sending hugs.

Robin, I know what you are talking about with the guilt. I did it in the first few months until I saw how much my pain and guilt was punishing my son. That made me feel guilty too until I admitted to my behaviour and said I was sorry for my mistakes. Mistakes, we all make them. I fall back some days and feel badly about my behaviour, when I do, I think of my man and tell him that I'm sorry I didn't show him all the love I felt for him. The more I do this the more natural it feels and my guilt is so much less.

I have been seeing a grief councellor  and find she is very easy to talk to about any and all aspects of this journey.  She doesn't tell me what to do or what to think, she gives me information from the heart and encourages me to digest it and make my own conclusions.  There is someone out there that can do the same with you. Sharing some of the burdens in our hearts and minds is a huge relief.

There is much love and respect here on the forum.  People care and share, they are brave.  I come here on good days and bad days to find relief, guidance, understanding or just to talk it out.  People here know what we are going through.

Sorry for the big text, my eyes aren't as young as I think they are .

Marita

My prayers are on the way.

Sending you healing thoughts and prayers on this special day.  Hugs too

Hi Sue, 

Thank you for sharing.  I really can follow what you have said.  Food for thought

Hi Laura,

My chore list is longer than the Mississippi.  It is hard to do everything on my own but that is where my life is right now.

I know the grieving time too.  

Happy 4th tomorrow - maybe you like the fireworks.

24 hours can be an incredible amount of time to fill.  

There are time limits to sleeping, watching tv, being on the computer, reading and doing housework and yard chores.  I went to town today in the hopes of finding a new way to fill time without being alone.  My budget did not allow me much spending and I didn't want to keep going in circles.

I feel very lost and alone.  I can't go back to before I was married at 23.  Life with Gord can not be replicated without him.  I'm not a blend of the two of us anymore either.  Who am I and what interests me?  My horse trailer is gone to pay bills so riding isn't happening.  Everything is so expensive and money is tight.  I'm still a mom but is that all I am?  

There are lots of people here on the forums that probably feel the same.  How do you fill your time?  Have you found your new identity?  I'm looking for ideas and conversation.

Marita

It is beautiful here.  

I would like to be able to stay in my home and keep my horses, I have 2.  With all the work and expense on 5 acres and a house needing repairs I'm uncertain how long I can stay.

My sunsets are so heavenly.  My little mare has perky ears .  

My 1st of July has passed.  The next date is the 5th and of course it's a Tuesday, as is the 19th, my 59th birthday.

I'm still wondering how I am going to survive my husband's suicide... Only time will tell.

1 hour ago, Clematis said:

I don't think you are selfish...

You are grieving a terrible loss and it is natural that you would want to feel his presence or see him in a dream or have some evidence. You may get that, and you might not. I would suggest that when you think about Nate that you be true to your real experiences of him and what he was really like with you, rather than being swept away by someone else's experience. 

Please try to take care of yourself and don't take on anyone else's interpretation that makes you feel worse than you already do. Grief is really hard and it is a long process. You might consider talking to a grief counselor, and keep coming back here. We are all on the same road that you are...

I agree with Laura.  If you can recognise how you are feeling and try not to worry about everything you may get a little peace.  With that peace you might feel his love again.  This is a hope that I have for all of us that are grieving.  My thoughts are with you.

Marita

My heart aches for all of us.

Is it odd that I feel so incredibly bad for everyone else here and not so much for myself?  For me, at this time, I feel like that can keep going.  I hope I feel this way for a little ng, long time.

Butch I do not think you are doing your princess any shame.  She knows how much you love her.  That kind of love blinds us to any possible imperfections.  Do you remember Love Story?   They said, 'love means never having to say you are sorry'.  The heart speaks in actions so the words are spoken by the heart, not by speaking.  Sending you big, bear hugs  

I can, in some ways, relate to your dilemma.  For an 8 year span off and on my father lived with my husband, son and I.  You could say it was the best of times and the worst of times.  During his his time my parents separated, divorced, remarried and separated.  Having dad living with us was great most of the time; but, when my mother was acting out, as was often the case, it as the worst of times.  Everyone was affected by my mother's behaviour in a negative way.  So, with my son just beginning school, and through times of being homeschooled, my father mourning the loss of his marriage (after 50 years) and his home, and then my husband and I trying to navigate the rough waters of all the upheaval it would get very difficult.  Emotions ran hot most of the time and sometimes someone would be 'out of sorts'.  No harm was meant by things said and by some actions but as we all were emotional it could feel very hurtful.  

My poor dad was so frustrated and confused, he was in his early 80's and couldn't figure out what was going to happen next.  My son was in grade two when things got crazy and was very hurt by the way my mother left my father, she basically left all of us.   I was having my own mental health issues and trying to be a good wife, mother, and daughter.  Anyway, when my mother would upset my dad and he became angry he would act out towards me.  I know part of the problem was that he felt like he had no control over anything.  He could not verbalise that he was feeling useless, overwhelmed, and fearful.

Eventually we had to request a placement for him in a care facility.  He was wanting to go to one, in our city, but there was no room and thus he lived 1 1/2 hours away for a year before we could get him closer to home.  He never really recovered from his broken heart.  He passed away with my husband and I by his side five months after his 91st birthday.  I miss him very much.  

My mother is still alive at 91 and we are very much estranged.  My son is 29 and lives with me.  He also suffers from depression and anxiety.  In January this year my husband ended his life.  We had no idea that he was mentally unwell.  I try to go through each day with with gratitude for the good times, some days I'm not too successful, but I try.

Sorry for the big blab Butch.  I probably should delete all but the first sentence but writing this has been therapeutic for me.

Take care of yourself Butch.  Enjoy what you can and try not to worry about everything.  I wish I could give you and your dad the reassurance you both could use.

I'm so sorry your father hurt you with his remark.  I believe you are grieving and so is he and you each need gentleness.  Perhaps in a few days he will come to you and share his heartfelt feelings, and you will come to a better understanding of each other.

Hurt is hurt and I'm sorry how deep it cuts, especially now.

Marita

Be good to yourself.  Do what you can that works for you, feels good, or seems right.  Hugs

I would like to be on the list too.

For me I'm finding that thinking too much in the past or more than a few days in the future is overwhelming.  I'm really trying to live in the moments and in the day when it comes to the tuff stuff.

Marita

Dear Butch,

If you can just keep breathing you will be ok.  It sounds too simple but it can truly help you.

I know you are scared and have all kinds of fears.  Considering what you are going through, it is normal to feel this way (normal not comfortable).  You are facing a time that is not easy but if you can recognize that the events will pass and just live moment to moment it will be so much better for you.  Anxiety is a villain; everything we worry about happening will happen whether we worry or not.  Our worry doesn't help or stop our situations from happening but anxiety can make our situations so much worse.  I hope you can just take a few moments several times a day to breathe, calm your body and mind (if possible), remember that you are loved and that our lives are constantly changing.  Our feelings also are constantly changing and you can know that the fear, anxiety and all of your feelings will come and go.  

Butch, I wish I could be there to help you.  Please know I am focusing my best energies on healing for you and your loved ones.

Marita 

I can imagine the chaos in your mind.  Too much too soon.  I get those feelings quite often since the beginning of my widowdoom.

At some point you are going to need to put yourself and your needs first.  It's like the advice where you are told to look after yourself or you won't be able to look after anyone else.  Maybe, you don't always have to be the strength of the family.  Maybe, you have someone in the family that would like to step up now and then.  As much as you want to look after everyone, it is important for you to be supported at this time too.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mitch,

laughter is the best medicine when tears don't work

I feel that so many of us are like a tightly wound thread.  Our grief, our finances, our memories, our past and our future, and so many other things are each single strands of silk that are twisted together to make a strong thread.   We can withstand a lot of pulling and twisting but once we are past the maximum twist we will break if we can find no relief.  That is why I oftentimes find myself laughing at inappropriate times.  I get so wound up with all there is to do that I can't seem to help from bursting out laughing.  I feel embarrassed when it happens and I struggle to regain my composure.  I'm sure it is very confusing for some people, those that know I'm recently widowed, but I've never felt comfortable crying.  What I have found is that the release of my tensions and grief are equal whether they are a result of laughter or tears.

laugh till you cry

we all need to feel that release to feel relief 

Marita 

Wish I could remember a good joke to add here

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today and hoping that you will find some peaceful moments in this more than difficult time.

hugs