Widowedbysuicide

Late night tv sure doesn't lift my spirits.  Maybe I need to turn it off and try to concentrate on a book.

Hi, 

I'm sitting here thinking about the Saturday nights at home just being together and now I'm alone with little to look forward to.  It's only been 25 Saturdays for me.

The clinic wants my emergency contact person and I'm stumped.  I don't want to thrust it on my son, he has enough trouble.  

Stuff is just really hard.  I don't think you are weak, a weaker person probably would have given up before 80 weeks.  This is a good lace to come and let it out.  We get it and we don't judge.  The be gentle thing is good in principle, we just need to figure out how to do it.  

I hope you night gets better.

Sleepless in Canada,

Marita

Beautiful work.

You have the same kind of luck as I do.  I would love to trade some of the bad luck for a little good luck.

Take care.

Hi,

I'm muddling along.  The last few days have been ok.

I'm in BC on Vancouver Island.   We have had some hot dry weather so with the rain I think that has helped me.  I'm not very good with heat.

I have my Dad's ashes and my husband's in my bedroom.  Dad has been gone 13 years.  I was hoping to take his ashes to Scotland where he was born but I don't think that will be possible now.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my husband's.  I'm thinking about mixing some of their ashes together to put in the locket that has some of myDad's whiskers and a hair from my horse's mane.  

Im sorry you are going through all this grief.  I will keep you in my thoughts.

Marita

Just thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling better.

I think I will print these wise words and post them on my door so that each time I open the door I will be letting healing in.

Thanks for sharing this Mitch.

Thanks Kay and Marty.

Kay I am sorry for your great loss and suffering.  I will think of you tomorrow and hope you are not alone.

I am seeing a councellor and will be attending a 'mindfulness' course with Mental Health here in Canada.  Perhaps they can help direct me to some assistance with getting a mask for a better price.  My antidepressants are being covered by the medical plan and there is a reduction in some other prescription costs.

The closest suicide support group is 100 miles away.  (That is the price we pay to live on acreages.)   Since my accident a couple of weeks ago I am not venturing too far away.  There is also the concerns about driving home again after while my brain and heart are only focused on grief. 

I come here and feel better but it isn't like having that human contact that we need.  It is early days yet but I'm fearful that if I do not get my brain working better I will make too many costly mistakes or miss an opportunity that would have been to my benefit.  Perhaps the mindfulness training will help me more than I think.  I'm also on a waiting list for some other mental health classes.

Many thanks to you both for responding.  

Marita

I'm glad you can get some relief posting here.  It is a great way to sort through your thoughts.  

I wish I could offer you and your girlfriend some help.  It is horribly sad that she is thinking she is responsible for all the death.  

All of the previous deaths are compounding her grief and she has more expected deaths to endure in the near future.  It must be hard to even get out of bed.  I think you are doing everything you can to help support and comfort her and her son.  I admire your integrity.

Marita

This is just me trying to work things out.  Seeing it in writing often helps me see what really is happening.  I will reread it tomorrow and see what I'm trying to accomplish.

Life is so very alien without my husband:

There are so many decisions and no partner to discuss it with.  There is so much that I don't know and I'm overwhelmed trying to sort it all out.  I have a fear of becoming a bag lady.

There is no one to soothe my fears when I hear sounds outside at night.  I do not feel entirely safe in my house anymore.  When my son moves out I will be alone and I didn't not think I can cope with my fears.

My brain isn't functioning as well as I need it to.  There is no one to remind me to take my meds or eat properly.  I get frustrated easily.  My patience is being tested too much.  

There is no one to talk to about my concerns about my son.  No one is here to tell me that we will be ok.

My son is grieving the loss of his Dad and he wants to ignore Fathers' Day.  We have coped through my husband's birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, my son's birthday, 36th Wedding Anniversary, and now Fathers' Day.  

My son and I are only children.  My mother is a narcissist who believes/claims that I am a very bad person and that I deserve all the bad things that come my way - I have moved from my home town to get away from her cruelty.  My father died 13 years ago.  My mother's relatives dismissed me many years ago.  My father's family is in Scotland.  My inlaws blame me for my husband's suicide. 

My panic attacks and depression are getting worse.  

I go to bed at night and wonder what my husband's is doing.  My sleep is interrupted because I have sleep apnea, I can not afford a new mask for my CPAP machine so I'm not using it.  

I wake up in the morning wishing I could go back to sleep; when I'm asleep I am at peace.

This has been going on for the last six months.  2016 is not a good year.

I will relax more now that I have ranted, mumbled, and got my thoughts out here.  I will read my book then listen to my audiobook and fall asleep.  When I wake up I will want to return to sleep, instead I will get up and start a new day with fresh possibilities.  My life is not what I would like it to be but I know it could be much worse, some days it is.

The sun is shining here in our temperate rain forest after a few days of refreshing rain.  Things look better with the dusting off and a cool drink - the plants, not me.  As my surrounding are looking better I am feeling better.

The world can be such a cruel place and many people are oblivious to everything that is not about them.  Misunderstandings happen, life often just sucks.  I am so glad we can come here and receive the comfort, encouragement, and understanding that we need. 

I don't like using the word 'sucks', seems immature to me.  I'm having a brain fart and need suggestions, please.

May each of us find some meaning and purpose today.  To feel good about something and maybe have a few minutes without the loneliness...  My wish

Marita

You can't be like everyone else because you have a huge heart and because you had a great relationship with your mom.

None of us really know what is going on in the minds and hearts of other people without being told by those people.  Many people see me and have no clue that six months ago my husband killed himself.  Those that do know and think they know me well, they don't have a clue either.  Some of us hide our grief very well in public, it is a different story when we are alone though.

You don't need to compare your feelings and behaviours with how others act.  You are what and who you are and the best thing you can do is to be yourself.  Most of the people I know and have associated with haven't bothered to call me or post on my FB comments.  Maybe they don't know how to deal with how they think we might be.  While on this grief journey we all need people who understand what we are going through.  You will find that here.  If you need more try contacting someone for counselling.

I am sorry that you are feeling so badly and you have lost your mom.  I'm glad you are doing your best to care for yourself with eating and being aware of your lack of sleep.  When you know these things you can find help to do something to improve it.  Look after yourself.  

Marita

I'm so glad to hear you are confident with your choice Mitch.  Tammy will be smiling knowing you are taking care of yourself.  

Our paths on this grief journey is rockier at some times and easier going at others.  Some of it is climbing, some is decline and some is flat - why can't we have easier going flat ground more often.  These rough times are so draining in every way.

It's good to know that eventually the bad times don't last as long and are less frequent as time passes.  Take great care of yourselves everyone.

Marita

It is just a thought Mitch, but what if you put the new comforter at the foot of the bed.  Perhaps you will slowly accept the new look and it won't feel like you are removing Tammy's essence.

I hope you feel less stress today. 

Marita

Good for you Marg!  It is so good to know that we can move forward at a pace that is right for us.  

You inspire me!  

You make me think!  

You help me see!  

AND you make me laugh, and THAT is very GOOD!

Thank you, and keep on moving forward.  I think there is a place ahead that we each will find that makes us more whole again.

Marita

I agree, it is a beautiful message for your beloved wife.

I definitely don't have all the answers: I have far too many questions.  I just know that each time I lose hope I crash into such deep dispair.  This used to happen to me before Gord's death, but he was always there for me.  He knew just what to do to help me find hope and crawl back into our life.  Then I would walk, and eventually run into all of what was truly a great life.

I fear Gord is too far away to help me now.  That is why I have to hang on for my life and my son's life to each fragment of hope.

Each time I read of those on here who have been moving forward for years gives me hope.  I come to the forums as though they are my prescriptions.  I can get hope, truth, guidance, support and comfort to name a few.  My great thanks to those who are walking ahead for sharing their stories can not be described with a simple thank you but for now that is all I can say.

Marita

I certainly wish you all the best.

Soulmates are worth waiting for.  Real love is worth waiting for and it is worth the hard work keeping it all together.  I hope to follow your story to the part where you are a happy blended family.

Bless you for all your goodness.

Marita

Mitch I love the last post you made.  I don't know how to put it into my post....

I just know it gives me hope.

I am an odd duck I think.  I made decisions right away and I hope I wont regret it.

Within the first two weeks I sorted through Gord's clothes and his personal things here in the house.  I have saved some shirts for a memory quilt or two, and his robe is on the back of my door, but what my son didn't want I donated to charity.  I still have most of his 'things', his watches, rings, rock collection and that kind of thing but they are in my bedroom in his dresser so I can look at them as I wish.  My son knows where the things are and he looks at them and holds them when he wants to.  

We have been going through his tools, he was a Millwrght, for about 4 months now.  There are many specialized tools along with the lawn tools and carpentry type stuff.  Mixed in Gord's tools are those of my Dad and his Dad so my son Reid, has several things that have great sentimental value.  There is more to sort through and we will do it as we can.

I've rearranged the furniture in the bedroom and put a new bedcover on.  I hated to change the sheets.  Gord's ashes and my Dad's are in the bedroom.  The two of three most important people in my life.  Now, as I look around me I see many small changes in every room.  I did this because I felt that Gord wanted me to live as much as I can instead of spending so much time living in the past.  

I have never really lived alone before and so I have made our home my home.  It is frightening, but so far these choices seem right to me.  I am remembering more of the good and less of the last day.  I still have sorrows but I am just going forward as I can.  

It is comforting to come here and feel that it is ok to be an odd duck.  Quack, quack!

Marita

JJ660 I'm so glad to hear you have an appointment.  I'm hoping you find someone who can help you with your needs.

Take care of yourself.  I will be thinking of you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  

Much of your story with regrets, friends, loneliness, and grief are like my story.  

I wish none of us had this cruel grief journey to make.

Marita

Hi Rdowns,

Posting here is a great start to helping your son.  There are people who can help you find the resources that are beneficial to your situation.  The support without judgement is absolutely awesome.

I am just six months into my journey of grief and my 29 year old son lives with me.  He is grieving differently to me and as a mom I really hate to see him hurting.  Although he is a man not a boy, he suffers from depression and anxiety and I believe he has Autism Spectrum Disorder, I worry about doing right by him. 

As has been mentioned here, the best things we can do is look after ourselves health wise and teach our sons to do that too.  My son does not wish to see a therapist - I wish he would.

I'm sending you my sincere condolences and will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.

Marita

Dear Kay,

I'm so sorry that you were hurt by words that were spoken before they were thought out - or typed before they were heard.  We humans have so many faults, the greatest is hurting each other.

I too am sending you a big hug today.  It is a special day for me as well.  It is my wedding anniversary.  I also agree June sucks as my dear old Dad's birthday was the 2nd of June and then Fathers' Day.  The year I was married... well, following an exciting visit to the hospital with my soon to be brother-in-law and usher (18 stitches later) on Friday the 13th, we were married on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and on Sunday we opened our gifts as we all celebrated Fathers' Day.  My husband is the father of our 29 year old son, both the grandfathers are gone.  It is hard to celebrate with so many missing hearts.

Take care of yourself for yourself Kay.  Wishing you a less sorrowful June and forever.

Marita

Hi Rdowns,

I hate Tuesdays too.  It has been 25 Tuesdays since my husband died of suicide.  Today would have been our 36th anniversary.  Like you  wish that I could change things back to when life was good.  I carry a lot of guilt too but I'm learning that some of it isn't mine.  I'm 13 years older than you are but I can understand the feeling of living too long with all this pain; too long without their love.

Some days I take life moment to moment, other days I'm better and can manage the one day at a time.  This grief is a cruel thing.  Just as I was starting to feel better a big wave of sorrow crushed me and dragged me back to how I felt in the beginning.  Fortunately, that being pushed back doesn't last as long now.  It still hurts like it did then but, then it eases and we can move forward again.  I felt depressed by much of what I read about grief and how long it lasts.  That is why I see a therapist and come here.  I still have the total crap days where I wish ...  

Be gentle with yourself, that is great advice.  On Tuesday's I will think of you.

Marita

You are in my thoughts Mitch, you and your Tammy.