Widowedbysuicide

My heart hears your heart crying and I feel for you.

On June 24, 2016 at 6:43 PM, R.Everit55 said:

I'm so lost right now.  I posted what sounds like nonsense in my passing of mom thread.  But I feel like I just lost My Mary too.  Again.  The world is going on while we all grieve.  How why.  

I honestly don't believe I've read anything on here that I would consider as nonsense.  We are all just sharing our thoughts and feelings and those are not nonsense.  Thoughts and feelings are constantly changing as our grief is changing.  We believe something one day and the next day it can change yet each of those beliefs or thoughts are valid.  They are not to be judged by anyone as they are our own, for ourselves.

Do not feel like you should be apologizing for having a loving heart.  I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Butch.  

Mitch I'm so glad you revisited this post.  

For you to have put one foot forward everyday for the last 15 months and 19 days gives me hope that I can do so too.  After having your heart ripped from your chest and then to offer other encouragement to others is also amazing.  You really do inspire me to try to be a better person.  It also shows me that if I can be strong and keep visiting this group of friends on here I too can make it.

Tammy must be so proud of you.   Thanks for so much Mitch 

There are so many wonderful people on here.  Everyone has contributed to helping me find my way during my series of terrifying moments.  My heartfelt thanks to you all.  I wish we could have come to know each other under much happier circumstances.

Marita

I am not liking the post because of your sorrow Gin.  It is just that I can really relate to it.  <3 that was supposed to be a heart for you.

All I can offer you is my sincere condolence.  

I came here in somewhat the same way as you in the financial sense and also my Gord was my rock.  My feeling is we have come to a good place that is safe and is totally accepting of our grief.  I'm sorry you're here.

Marita

My laughing is my tears.

I have never been a person to cry.  Weep, water leaking from eyes yes, sobbing or making noise of any kind NO.

Please look kindly after yourself.  There has to be a reason why we have been left behind.  I wonder if we are held back here until we complete what ever it is we are here for?  

You are a very strong lady; you have given everything of yourself for other people for as long as you have been alive: and maybe this is your time to keep everything for yourself instead of giving it away for free.  Is that a song?  It should be!

hugs to you friend, Marita

Thinking about you and your family.  

If any God is listening, could you please help Butch at this terrible time.  He's had enough grief.

Gin I hope we all can find more peace and less sorrow soon.  

I feel so much like you described here.  I am fortunate though because my health is still good.  I'm sure that it has to be much more difficult on this journey with health issues to contend with.  

I would send you a little red heart if I knew how.  

Hugs for now, Marita 

Hi all.  edited to add: sorry for you he bad formatting:(

The weather in my particular hell is good today.  So far, that is about it for good.  I know it is up to me to change that and I'm working on it.

Like you Mitch, I think what difference does it make if it is great or crappy when you don't have any 'life' in you.  Now I know what living hell is and I sure don't recommend it for anyone.  Yesterday I planted the tree from the funeral home.  I don't like that tree, it represents his death not his life.  The mother part of me did it for our son.  He is very fragile still, not wanting to find anyone to talk to about it other than me.

I see other widowed people that have gone forward in their new lives and I wonder how they do it.  Since we all are so different there is no answer to questions about how long until... or how long before.  And then the concept of time.  I sort of understand the 'stands still' thing.  For me it came in that moment (that seemed to take forever) when I was told, "I'm sorry, it wasn't the outcome we were hoping for.  Your husband has died of suicide".  I felt like I wanted to go to bed and wake up from the horrible dream because I thought what they were saying couldn't be true.

Marita

Black Creek, BC V9J 1G8

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Hi Gwenivere,

I hope you can find something to help you feel more comfortable.  Physical pain and mental pain is torturous.  I'm cheering for better health for you.

I feel so fortunate that my mental health medications are not complicating my general health and that my physical health is good.

Marita

I really feel for you Butch.  You have suffered so many traumas in a short time.

I wonder if their are two different grieving feelings happening?   I think it is grief added to grief, that it is blended.  There isn't any disrespect to those you are grieving.  You won't be grieving less for Mary because of the grief you are feeling for your Mom.  

I hope I'm not talking out of turn.  Please take time to breathe and care for your needs.

I'm so sorry to learn of your loss.

Marita

Thank you so much nice (once) again Marty.

i am operating in the fog again.  Some days are so much worse than others.  Thanks for the information, I've done some reading this morning and hope is with me today.

Marita

Thank you Anne.  I just read the article you recommended Mindfulness.  I have bookmarked it  to continue reading the other topics.

There are so many recommended readings in the Tools for Healing that I felt overwhelmed.  I think I need to start at a very basic beginning.  Baby steps so to speak.

Marita

I was registered for six two hour classes on mindfulness.  It was being put on free of charge by Mental Health, in BC, Canada.  I was really looking forward to trying to get better at grieving.  You can imagine my disappointment when they called to say the classes didn't have enough people registered to put it on.  It seems like each time I find a piece of hopefulness something happens to prevent me from experiencing what I was looking forward to.

I have posted here looking for suggestions.  My story in short is I am six months in grief after my husband's unexpected suicide.  It feels like more is going wrong than right and I am feeling like I'm on a sinking ship.  My adult son, also grieving, lives with me and he is very resistant to seeing a grief councellor or anyone else.  I was seeing someone but finances are such that I have to stop seeing her for awhile.

Marita

I came here in search of calm, soothing words; I found what I wanted, what I needed and I found wisdom.

Thank you everyone.

Thank you for your reply Maryann.  

Like you, Gord and I were very content to be home and didn't socialize much.  Together we didn't think we needed others.  So much of what you say is my/our story too. 

I work at home so at least I don't have to drive through the fog to get there.  Forgetful should be my name.

Hugs back to you.  I miss his hugs, I miss almost everything.

Your story is heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.  I think you both were lucky.

I always said I was the lucky one.  

My husband was so good to me and for me.  We would shake our heads when I told him about other women who would constantly complain about their husbands.  I would say that 'mine was the best, I'm so lucky to have him'.  It is hard living without him and especially seeing those same women complaining about their husbands.

I still feel like I was/am the lucky one to have had him in my life from childhood through 36 years of marriage.  

Ana, I didn't take any personal offence at your post.  I agree with you that people who haven't had the experience of being widowed just don't get it.  They really don't know how their words can hurt.

Mitch, for me it isn't something I'm thinking of doing anytime soon.  I still have Gord deep in my heart.  I want to savour the memories without interference from anyone else.  I'm a one man woman and I'm certainly not done loving my Gord.

Marg, I'm still in that place of no family and no friends.  My time is very much spent alone.  Being isolated is not easy.  

Steve, I haven't been welcomed back into the 'other world' yet.  Must be that I'm contagious or something.   Need to make new friends... I need to go out instead of being home all the time.  It's too hard right now.

Thinking of your courage Gin.  And Kay, you are so wonderfully supportive.

Not a ramble Butch.  A lovely telling of your love.

Six months n and still in a fog of sadness.

Marita

It has been 26 Tuesdays since my husband died.  Maybe it is too soon to look 'up the road a bit' but society sure forces it upon us with their "find someone new" comments.  I don't want to be part of a couple right now but I certainly don't want to be single the rest of my life.  As an only child I have spent a lot of alone time.  I need to believe that at some point in time I will have someone I can share time with.  To me, with my mental health issues, hope is as important as air.  Take away my air and I will suffocate.

12 minutes ago, scba said:

This is what drives me crazy, "find another man" as if we were in a chicken market. As if building a relationship , trust a new someone were easy, as if our pain and loneliness is a matter of attitude.

 I cannot predict my future (anymore) and anything can happen, including falling in love. But as Gwen said, I would be surprise if I put my heart under risk to be broken again and be in a relationship. It is not in my character. I'm talking for myself. Presented today with the choice, I  choose to be alone. I had a fantastic relationship. Been there done that. I had the best for me. Do you find it twice in life? I'm not sure....

I miss my husband like crazy and would do anything I could to have him back... 

Marita

I can understand the feelings of guilt.  I feel them too, but they are lessening as I learn more about my husband's emotional state and about grief.  I know that the grief will torture you and will eventually cause your son great concern. 

If you can take a step toward seeing a grief therapist you might find yourself feeling less guilt.

Take care.

Thinking of you and wishing life was kinder.

Zootopia?  Sounds like a great recommendation.  I think I need to get it for my son and I for Fathers' Day.

This is the first one with all the Dads gone.

I want to think they are together somewhere enjoying themselves.  No more pain, no more suffering, no more waiting; just peace and love.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow Marg.  I will try to send some sparks of hope your way.

You deserve to be hopeful and to have some comfort and joy and happiness.  If only we could take your sorrows away.

Marita

May tomorrow bring you some peace.

You are a great comfort to so many on here, for me too, I wish I could do more to comfort you.

Marita