AB3

I'm very on the fence about therapy of any kind. I'm glad I found this group though because I'm able to express myself freely even though I feel crazy. There are no judgments here. As for the rest of the world it seems as though they don't get it.. but how could they unless they've experienced this type of loss.

Thank you both your support is sooo helpful. I don't really have anyone except for my mother. No family and very few friends. Nobody really understands but this group of course. I'm trying to hold on.....

I'm so so tired of it all. I hate having to force everything....work...school...LIFE. I just can't focus on anything I just feel so numb. I can't deny how close I feel to ending it all. I've suffered through depression most of my life but this is the lowest I ever been and I'm struggling to hold on. I'm not really living for me at thhis point but for my mother...we are all we each truly have. I've been trying to hold on for her...eat...live...breathe for her but it's soooo hard. I just like many of you feel like all my dreams...my future has died right along with my partner. I'm trying to hold on but there's only so much pain you can take in a lifetime.

Thank you everyone so much.

I have so much guilt...and right now it seems to be what causes the most pain. I replay everything over and over in my mind and feel guilty of how I acted or responded to things in the last two months my love was alive. I've always been there for him never left his side whenever he was in the hospital. His heart began rejecting back in August and he spend two weeks in the hospital and so did I. He felt sick again back in September and spend a week in the hospital but yet again I never left his side. He had to go through weeks of treatment away from home and I still stayed by his side. When we returned in November he injured his foot and was housebound all the way up until 3 days before he died. We didn't see each other for a month. I started back working and trying to get myself together so that we could get on our feet again. I feel so guilty for that and so selfish for not spending time with him. We were able to spend one last time together 3 days before he died but it just wasn't enough and it's all my fault.

Thank you everyone It helps to have such great support on here because I feel so lonely elsewhere.

Thank you rdownes. I don't want to hide my emotions I just feel like nobody understands what I'm going through. People just expect me to suck it up in a sense and move on. Honestly I don't want to hide how I feel but I just feel so uncomfortable being in so much pain around them. The agony.

Scba, I totally can relate to what you're saying. All the dreams I had, all the goals I wanted to accomplished involved him and now I'm lost. I can no longer focus on those things in which were once so important to me because it doesn't make sense without him nor does it feel good anymore. Also, there's nothing wrong with being angry.....as I've done the same as you and what a let down this is.....

Wow that's amazing and to hard to ignore. I want to believe so bad that our loves live on somewhere, mainly because I couldn't imagine never seeing them again or that they are completely just gone.

Very true Brad. That is something I must also keep in mind that they weren't connected in the way we were to our partners. So of course they believe we will be fine and that time will heal us. The relationships are just too different.

Thank you Brad and Scba. It has really come to my attention how much no one understands our pain. Everyone seems to be doing fine and living life normally. All I keeping hearing is "time heals all" or in time you'll be fine, but how could we ever be.

I find myself in constant pain...overcome with such a depression that I can no longer hide it. I use to be so good at hiding how bad I feel but now it's impossible. I often talk to my fiance family members as I feel the need to check in on them to ensure that they are ok but I often find it hard to hide my own sadness and despair....am I just a burden? They all seem to be taking his death well....moving on with their lives while I'm just....stuck. Sometimes I feel like I should just avoid talking to them because I feel like a burden. I just don't know what to do anymore.....

Thank you Brad

Thank you mittam99

My mom has really been pushing therapy on me lately which isn't necessarily a bad thing because of the deep depression and anxiety I find myself in. However, does therapy actually help? Will it help me deal with all this pain, confusion and disbelief? What are some of your experiences??

Olemisfit, I can definitely relate to what you are feeling, Im sure we all can In some way. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself no matter how out of character you may think you are being. This is a rough time where you can't help but to focus on those last moments....counting down the exact seconds, minutes, or hours your love had left. Those times are forever with us....replaying in our minds and in a sense driving us mad. So express yourself as much as you want and know that you aren't alone.

Do we all come here with a time to die?? I always wondered this especially now. Is death preventable or avoidable? Or can we not interfere. I know we have all though of different outcomes in which we could have "saved" our partners from death but I wonder could we really? Could one moment make the difference of whether they had lived or died or is already set in stone.

I'm sure we have all been at this point....the point where you just don't want to go on. Too consumed by the pain that it's hard to focus on living. Its been almost 3 weeks since I lost my fiance and I just wish I could be wherever he is at this exact moment. Pain has seemed to follow me my whole life. I feel so alone it's killing me. The only two people I could truly count on was him and my mom. I still have my mom which is a blessing but for the last 6 years him and I were inseparable. We somehow merged as one. I truly don't know how to be without him. I feel like I have no purpose.

Before I lost the love of my life I always pondered this question..."is there life after death?" I want to believe that there is especially now. I'm just hoping that he still lives on somewhere and that he isn't truly just gone. A few hours after he died I received a text message from him. Crazy right? The message read "I miss u" I want to believe that it was a sign from him....I mean could it have been? Or am I just holding on to false hope?

Does anybody else feel like they're in one long nightmare that never seems to end? Everyday I feel like I'm in a daze...like this cannot possibly be reality. I go to sleep and wake up constantly reliving the pain, realizing that my best friend and soulmate is gone....really gone. Days seem to drift together and honestly I feel out of touch with reality and the world in general. Nothing feels real to me anymore just a dream I can't seem to wake up from.

Thank you so much and I'm sorry that you have to endure this pain as well.

My fiance passed away 2 weeks ago and I'm having such a hard time continuing on without him. We have been together for 6 years and most of the time he has struggled with heart problems after a heart transplant back in 2009. For awhile everything seemed blissful. We lived our lives together without a worry for almost 3 years. However, August of this year he began getting sick and we found out he had been suffering a rare form of rejection of the heart in which there was no formal treatment. After two test treatments and several hospital stays he seemed to be getting better. We haven't been able to spend much time together because of issues that split us into two separate households and in recent months he suffered a foot injury which left him house bound. I feel so guilty because I wasn't able to be with him or see how sick he was getting. I had been focused on getting my life together and working towards bettering myself in hopes of getting us where we wanted to be at in life. The guilt I feel is so strong because If I only knew how sick he was....how much pain he was really in maybe I could have saved him. I feel like I have no purpose without him. He was everything to me, I invested so much of myself in him and our relationship that I don't know who I am without him. Where do I go from here. How can I live without him?