AB3

"Raises hand"

About to hit the 2 month mark pretty soon (Feb 10th) and those "what if" questions still run through my mind at some point each and every day. The only difference between now and in the beginning is that I realize that the "what ifs" won't bring him back....it won't reset reality no matter how much I wish it could. I could never get use to the loneliness, the quietness, the darkness that has replaced the brightness he brought into my world. How can anybody get use to it? Use to a world without their soulmate.....it's just plain empty and heartbreaking. But yet I still think about those "what ifs"....like what if I would have made him go to the hospital the last day I saw him, or what if they would have caught the rejection of his heart earlier, or what if I would have spent more time with him instead of focusing on work would I have seen how sick he really was.....and here again I say...."None of that matters now, it won't change reality". But ooooh how I wish it would.....

Very much so

Lynne, I'm so sorry for what brings you here. Your grief is still very fresh so therfore the tears, the pain is felt so intensely. I lost my fiance December 10, 2016 and I'm still feeling all that intense pain that comes with losing you're best friend/soulmate. There are no words that could ever make this reality feel ok but know that you are not alone. We are here to travel this journey with you.

Thank you Darrel, yes I'm holding out for that lifeboat hoping I won't drown in the process.

This is so true. Darrel, you are not alone. I struggle with thoughts of suicide each and every day....right now they are just thoughts but I can't deny making actual plans to do so. This pain as we all know is too much to bare at times. All we can do is take it one day at a time....actually taking it min by min or sec by sec seems to be the best we can do. This life can feel so lonely and pointless without our loves and especially so when compounded by other issues. I pray that we all make it through this....some how....some way....

Thanks everyone, unfortunately there's not much around here in terms of counseling options. I only have one more place that I can try so hopefully everything works out. I'm not giving up yet though I definitely feel like it.

Gwenivere, I haven't been prescribed any medication as of yet I just feel like I'm being pushed into taking them by several people. As for counseling I only have one place in the area that I live that I can try so hopefully something will work out with them. As you stated, it's just extremely more challenging finding support while dealing with all of this grief but hey I'm still trying....

So today I went to therapy for the first time. I remained hopeful that this would be the therapeutic experience I need to cope with my grief and depression. I know that it's not a "miracle cure" and won't make me instantly feel better in one day but I was hoping for more than what I got. The therapist kept talking about antidepressants and ended the session with suggesting I look into other options in which I could get medication and a counselor all at once. I feel like I wasted my time and money. So now I'm sitting here in the same position I was when I left, hopeless and disappointed with life. If this is all there is what's the point?? Do I just give in and take medication and go to another couselor. I'm just so tired.....

Darrel, though I haven't known you long you have been such great support in this journey in which we all travel on. Im praying for you and know there are no words that will make everything instantly ok but I still pray for peace and strength in whatever you face. As you always say....One foot in front of the other And as I always say....You are not alone

I feel this on every level.

I'm apologize Gwenivere for the insensitivity. I understand exactly what you mean "joy" wasnt the right word to say but rather I hope you can feel a bit of peace. I pray for peace for us all even if it's just a few moments of it.

Gwenivere, let me first start by saying Happy Anniversary, your love story is one to be desired because yall were together for several decades, it's something I always hoped for in my own relationship but was never able to reach. I hope this day will bring you more joy than sadness. Joy for the many beautiful years you were able to share with each other and joy for the love that will always remain.

I'm so sorry that you are alone again, I can definitely relate I grew up all alone too but when I met my love I finally was able to fill that void. Nevertheless, your love story is beautiful the way you grew up together and fell in love. I wish we didn't have to end up the way our lives began.....

Darrel you have nothing to apologize for as I agree with everything that you wrote. It's just an unfortunate circumstance that I as well as many others find themselves in but it is what it is.

Yea, it's pretty sad because I know he wouldn't have wanted things to be like this.....

Darrel, I can definitely understand what you are saying and agree. However, I would think that his family, whom he was really close to would understand my grief in some ways. I've been thinking maybe it's just hard for them to be around me or talk to me because him and I were attached at the hip. Whatever the case may be it's hard to adjust to being completely alone again after so many years.

My life has changed so much in such a small amount of time, but I'm sure all of our lives have been disrupted in one way or another. Prior to my fiances death I had a family (his family) and a handful of friends. Before he came along I only had my mom in terms of family but when I meant him he introduced me to a unfamiliar world. He shared his four siblings with me and they in a sense become mine. I had gotten really close to his dad's side of the family especially after we moved near them a couple of years ago. I didn't really care if I had alot of friends because he was my best friend. Now everything has changed. Everyone has went on with their lives and I don't hear from anyone anymore except for his mom every now and then. I was trying to stay in contact with them but I was the only one reaching out. I don't even recognize myself or my life anymore. If I didn't have my mother in my life I would probably have no one. I guess this is just my new reality. Has anyone else experienced this?

Still not sure how I feel about taking antidepressants but have a long history of depression and anxiety but I never got help for it. Now my depression and anxiety is compounded by the loss of my fiance, which the therapist knows from the evaluation. I'm guessing that's why she wants me to be put on medication along with therapy. But I'm not sure if it will help or not but for now I'm just going to see how therapy goes first.

Thank you Marie

I completely understand your concerns Marty and will take your advice. I believe you know best when it comes to this and have extensive experience. Thank you for all your help I definitely need it.

Marty and Kayc I'm not really sure if the therapist I'll be seeing specialize in grief, probably won't fully know until my appointment on Tuesday. The therapist I spoke with yesterday was just the one who did an evaluation on me and my current emotional state. I can understand why this is concerning this is all new to me so I'm not sure how to go about things. I'm hoping everything goes well because this is my last resort.

Thank you Darrel!

Will do Gwenivere!

Darrel, you said a month full! This truly does SUCK! and remember you are never whining so no apologies needed. This journey is horrible and so unwanted...but you have still been able to put one foot in front of the other and that takes alot of courage.