AB3

Thank you all for your support. It's just been a really bad day. It's times like these where I don't know how to even keep going....don't seem to even have the strength today yet I have things to do. Darrel, I am 27 by the way and my fiance was 29. I really feel like I've been cheated out of the life we were supposed to have together but I'm sure we all feel that way...

I know it's very early in my grief so of course im all over the place. One minute I'm slightly ok the next I'm hit with what feels like a ton of bricks. I just received some of my fiances things that were kept in his medicine bag from my "mother in law" and it hit me again....he's gone....like really gone. The things that use to be his or ours he can no longer hold on to. I know it may sound so stupid that I feel like such an emotional wreck over these things but things like this just hits me hard. Sorry for the meltdowns....

Exactly. Losing that person you depended on so much to get you through those rough times makes dealing with it on your own that much harder.

Exactly Kayc

No offense taken at all. I can see how it seems that I'm making progress. In a way I am as I'm starting to accept that he's really gone and that I will never be the same no matter how much I try. Kind of been "faking it" through everything if you know what I mean....

Grief changes you in ways that no one who has ever truly experienced it can understand. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I see but I know who I saw....him (my fiance). I don't know who I am without him. Everyone expects me to be who I use to be.....even talk to me like I'm the old me....like I didn't just lose the biggest part of me. The only ones who could relate are those who've also lost their soulmates.....

Marg, those anxiety attacks are the worst. I had them before he passed but have been getting the more frequently and more intensely now

Seems we all have a point in the day where the pain is just unavoidable.....

Does anyone else feel intense grief at certain periods of the day. As soon as I wake up I'm hit with the intense pain, shock and sadness of my fiances death. This last all day until night fall when I start to calm down a bit. I'm dependent on a combination of tea with valerian and sleep aid medicine in order to sleep. This calms me even more, however I wake up at some point in the night immediately thinking of him being gone. Nevertheless, the daytime is the worse. Does anyone else struggle with this??

Marty, that's all I could hope for. Is that I made him happy despite the pain he was in.

Yes Mitch, that's what hurts the most, losing our world and thinking of how much they still had to give. I think about that often. All the dream he had that he wasn't able to accomplish....it's just so sad....

Yup Darrel one day at a time....

Gin you are spot on. Everyone assumes we are fine or will be "fine" but they have no idea how truly alone we feel.....

My love had the biggest heart, he was so kind, giving and loving even to those who may not have deserved such positive regards. But his heart was "broken", he had an enlarged heart and had to have a heart transplant back in 2009 at the age of 22. He was given a second chance at life and through that we were able to meet and fall in love. He was sick several times during our relationship, often in and out of the hospital for rejection. He had to take so much medications every day in order to "live". But you know what? He never complained, not once but I saw how tired he was towards the end. The summer of 2016 was the worse, he got sick and never seemed to bounce back from it. He had a rare type of rejection that was hard to treat because there were no straight forward treatment plans. His body was pumped with all sorts of meditations to try to treat it. For awhile we thought it would work but then he would get sick again. I hated that he had to go through all that pain, and honestly I never really knew how much pain he really was in. He always kept a smile on and maintained his good sense of humor and positive outlook on life. I really wish I knew his mindset at the end but he didn't open up to me. His sister later told me that he had been more sick then he let on, and that he didn't want me to know. Thar hurts me so bad because I would have made him go to the hospital. But I think he was just tired of fighting so hard to live and being in constant pain. I can't blame him for that but selfishly I want him here. It seems as though the people with the biggest hearts suffer the most....

Thank you Marty I will give it a read.

Thank you. I will try please do the same

For the past few days I've been having dreams about getting ready to go to my fiance funeral even though it was weeks ago. I hate them so much. Sleep was my only escape from reality...when I did get to sleep anyways. Now my dreams have caught up with reality. I also wake up several times with intense anxiety thinking about my love being gone and worried about losing my mother. I just need a moment of peace.

Very true Kayc.

I agree with you all. I would have been by my loves side if he needed me to be, I always went to his appointments, stayed in the hospital when he was admitted and gave him lots of love and care. But I realized now how much pain he really was in though he never complained ever. Though I selfishly want him here I wouldn't want him to be sad and in pain.

Thank you Olemisfit you are right "one foot in front of the other" I've always struggled to do that. I usually rush right through things and push myself. But this time I can't do that.

Yes Marie it does. Don't think I could ever get use to it.

I went back to work a week after my fiance was laid to rest. I pretty much forced myself to as everyone said it helps to keep busy. So I did as they suggested "keep busy" but at work I often feel overwhelmed, it's been hard to just stay focused. My mind is constantly on my love, not a moment of peace. I was hoping what they said would help but all it does is just pass the time. I also started classes again on Monday and how ironic that I am taking a course in which centers around emotion (Psychology of Emotion) I signed up for it before he passed away. It's all just overwhelming, I really wish "keeping busy" worked for me.

I've always had problems asking for help, always dealt with my feelings alone. This is different though don't think I can deal with it on my own still don't know where to turn but this group has been a great support. Thank you all.

Thank you everyone that is a great suggestion. I actually thought about writing a letter so I definitely may do that.

Never realized how alone I was until losing my fiance. I especially notice on work nights and durring the day, the times we would talk the most. Other than him I really didn't talk to anyone else (besides my mom), and honestly didn't need to he was my best friend. We talked everyday and when we didn't it didn't feel right. It has been 3 weeks and two days and the loneliness just grows more and more. On my 2:30 am break and all I want to do is text or call him.....the agony.