AB3

Thank you Kayc. It was so hard to admit how overwhelming everything is. I thought forcing myself to get back out there would some how ease the pain but it just made things worse in the end. We must learn to take care of ourselves.

Thank you Finch.

I've been in so much pain lately and bottling it all in but today I broke down and told my mother how I feel. I know the words hurt her and that's the main reason I have been keeping it to myself. Who wants to hear their child say "I don't want to be here anymore"....it's possibly the worst thing you could ever hear as a parent. But holding it all in just did more harm than good. Today I had to take a leave of absence from work and I feel like such a failure. I went back to work one week after my fiance passed away. I forced myself to and I tried to be strong and continue on with life as before (work, college, etc) but it all came crashing down. I feel like such a failure that I can't even accomplish these task anymore but I also can't keep "forcing" everything either and pretending to be ok because I'm no where near ok. I honestly don't know what to do anymore....everything feels so overwhelming and life seems so pointless. I've been able to get through most things and in the 27 years that I've been on this earth I've faced alot of painful situations. Each time I've remained strong and "suffered" through it. But this....this broke me and there is no way I can just suck it up and keep going....im at a standstill.

Thank you kayc. I often feel the need to contain my thoughts and feelings as to not make others feel uncomfortable. I don't think anyone (except for this group) understands how painful each day is. I stopped expressing that pain to those around me (my mom, his family and friends) because I felt like a burden to them. Now my only outlet to express my thoughts and pain is this group otherwise I'm just holding it all in but today I know it's written all over my face....I can't pretend anyone

I appreciate all of your comments and thank you for the links scba. I'm just really feeling down right now...can't seem to shut my mind off and it's Saturday (the day he passed) so it's making me feel more on edge. I honestly don't want to be here....in this world and if it wasn't for my mom (leaving her all alone) I wouldnt be. But again thank you everyone...

I'm not exactly sure what I believe in or what's truly out there...honestly I just don't understand this world we live in at all its just too complex. All I know is that I give up....that's right life you won I've been thrown into the boxing ring too many times and I'm just well....over it. I'm not sure what exactly happens when we die but if it's reincarnation then I will just try this all again in the next lifetime....maybe things will turn out more on the positive side. Not to be rude to anyone who says this pain is only temporary....that it will get easier to stand....that it all takes time and all the other meaningful "encouraging" words, but it doesn't really bring me too much comfort. I want to be just as positive as many of you and while I have always been able to bring some comfort to others, and extend my support Im not really able to help myself. I try....I promise I do....very very hard. I try my hardest to push all of the pain and discomforting thoughts out my head, and at times I can but it always comes rushing back. There's just too many images in my head to much guilt in my heart....and too much sadness in my soul. I can pretend all I want that I'm "ok" in fact I have been good at hiding it from others but I can't hide it from myself for too long....Grief will always find me. Im sorry for the long often endless rant...I just can't pretend to be "ok" anymore. As much as I want to be that positive, happy, encouraging, and selfless human being that I had always been.....I'm just not anymore....I don't know who I am so I'll just try again next time....if there in fact is a next time. Thank you all for your support but I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore with my "doom and gloom" personality. Sorry...

My feelings exactly

Martha, I am sorry for what brings you here and know all too well what you're feeling right now as I lost the love of my life this past December as well. I know how hard it is to keep going with the overwhelming amount of guilt, resentment and pain you are currently enduring. But from what you just shared you have nothing to feel guilty about, you did everything you could, you loved him endlessly even through his sickness and I'm sure that meant the world to him. Im not going to lie, the pain will never truly go away but you will learn to in a sense "live with it". Even though it has been a little over a month for me as well I still have days like you just shared, but I have had some moments of peace and you will too. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are only human, and grief is a journey. Post as much as you feel on here this is a safe place. No judgments just a great deal of support from those who travel this journey beside you. You are not alone.

Thank you Darrel.

Darrel, you took the thoughts right out of my head! I think about what you just mentioned often. When we commit ourselves to loving someone we agree to experience it all the good and bad and with life unfortunately comes death. Death would have eventually happened, though we didn't think it would be so soon but that's the chance we take when we decide to love and open our hearts to someone. And like you, even if I knew what I know now back then I still would have made the choice to fall in love.

Thank you Marty. I must admit I am often hard on myself especially now. I try to hide my feelings from others now (coworkers, my mom, his family etc.) This is the only place that feels safe to express my deepest darkest feelings.

I realized that most of my post on here have pertained to the negative aspects of my grief. Sometimes I feel that may reflect badly upon me, that everyone views me as "doom and gloom". However I don't want to diminish the positive moments that I encounter...though far and in between I am thankful for some moments of peace. Grief is an up and down journey. I'm sure we all have more bad times than good but God I am thankful for the times we don't feel completely like a sinking ship. This life is not one we ever wanted nor predicted but it is the life that was forced upon us. Honestly, every second, every minute of every moment is different.....there's no way of knowing when we will feel peace or unbearable pain.....Grief is nothing less than a long hard complicated journey. Thank you all for always listening and offering support. You are not alone.

Darrel, there is no need to apologize, you are definitely not whining you are sharing the love you have for your beloved. It is so clear that you two intensely loved one another, and that is the rarest but greatest gift of all.

Exactly why I deleted my Facebook. People don't consider how others feel plus it's hard for me to look at all the pictures and videos of him that people constantly would post. It's all just so hard.....

I'm at the point where I just don't really care about anything. Everything just seems so meaningless, work, school, money, even trying to keep in contact with certain people. Does that make me cold hearted?? I know it's early in my grief and everyone keeps saying in time things will get better....so on and so forth but honestly that doesn't make me feel better. Right now Im just over everything and really just don't care. The things I was working towards are no longer options. As I stated before.....I'm just living just to live.....work, home, school.....repeat. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. Honestly I'm just living until it's time for me to be reunited with my love. Does that make me sound crazy? I'm sorry everyone. I just needed to vent....

Darrel, I completely agree with this statement. People who have never experienced this type of grief expect you to be back to a normally functioning human being after a short period of time. Little do they know we will never function "normally" again.

I can definitely relate. I miss those messages. It really hits me hard during my breaks at work and when I'm off throughout the day.....

Everyday I think to myself, " here I am again in this cold, dark world". Sentenced to what I imagine it's like to be in solitary confinement.....all alone. Some days are better then others and we all know how rare those days can be. I keep thinking to myself, "we will be together again someday" our souls are meant to be....that is the only thing that brings me the slightest comfort. But yet....I'm still here in this cold dark world.....without him....."sigh" but I guess that's life.....

Darrel what you just stated are my exact thoughts and feelings. How unfair is it to be stuck here without our soulmates....alone. But you have made it thus far and you might not see it now but that's a huge accomplishment as we all know the "daily struggle". But as you say.... One foot in front of the other

Dave, im sorry you also had to deal with insensitive people. How hard is it to express a bit of empathy??....I guess very for some....

Great quote Marty!

Marie, Exactly, that's why I'm a loner I guess....

Darrel you are absolutely right. Common sense would be nice though.

Exactly!

I really feel like people need "sensitivity training" or at least a filter. Is it so hard to be even a bit understanding of someone's grief. We have all lost someone at some point, so at least one should understand what a "loss" entails or how important it is to be empathetic towards others. I walked in to work this evening, a coworker of mine, who wants me to draw a picture for his company (I'm a graphic designer or use to be one prior to this) asked did I do his picture for him. I responded with "no I'm going through alot right now" as he's well aware. His response: "oooh you're still going through it? No of course not I'm all better, I didn't just lose the love of my life!!! I'm so tired of dealing with this insensitive world.